New Member: I moved to be with her, but now I'm isolated, and she's trapped me

[Individual]

I don't know what to do. I'm in so deep now, I don't know how to get out.

Long story short, great start to relationship (she helped me be happy), then things started to get worse, I ignored them. I was lonely too and ended up moving across an ocean to live with her. Now I am here, with no friends, cut off from my family, I live with her and her mother, I don't have a car, and I'm in a foreign country.

Sometimes the relationship goes well, really well. I just don't know if this is what I want, I don't think she would be a good parent, and the price of the bad times are so high.

She threatens to kill herself if I leave, she hits herself violently when she's upset, leaving big bumps and bruises all over her body. Even on her face. She has cut herself in the past. She threatens to sue me if I leave, saying I attacked her or raped here. She threatens to kick me out and keep my stuff.

But once she snaps out of it she is normal again.

She is very high-functioning. No one knows this really but me. Maybe her family has some clues but they ignore it.

She made me ditch all my friends and family. When I try to skype with my family she will turn off the internet and complain that she wanted to do something in the room at exactly the same time, and how inconsiderate I am for trying to skype with them. She will then throw a tantrum.

If I ever dare to tell a friend or family member about her condition she threatens to kill herself, or break my stuff.

She doesn't want help.

I can't get out of this alone. I don't know what to do. I just want it to stop. I want my peace. I want to be an individual again. But I can't. I'm in so deep... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm glad you have found this site... .yet I'm so sorry for the circumstances that led you here.  Like you, many of us (me included) found this place while in despair... .thinking "there is no way out". 

I want to assure you that things can get better and we can help with that... .how does that sound?

I would also suggest that, at least for a few weeks, we put away the "in or out" thinking.  What I remember is those seemed like really massive thoughts.  Perhaps it would be helpful to just "take a next step"... .take a step to something a bit more calm.  What do you think?

  I don't know how to get out.

  I just want it to stop. I want my peace. I want to be an individual again. But I can't. I'm in so deep... .

While you certain do sound to be deep in this relationship and I understand that is troubling, I want to assure you we will be here with you as you learn about what is going on.  We will encourage you as you take steps that you decide are good for YOU!

For now... .let's focus on educating you a bit about the challenges and potential solutions.  Many of the solutions are counter-intuitive and will likely take some deep thought on your part to "get".

Best to you my new friend!... .looking forward to your next post.

FF

[Red5]

I don't know what to do. I'm in so deep now, I don't know how to get out.

Long story short, great start to relationship (she helped me be happy), then things started to get worse, I ignored them. I was lonely too and ended up moving across an ocean to live with her. Now I am here, with no friends, cut off from my family, I live with her and her mother, I don't have a car, and I'm in a foreign country.

Sometimes the relationship goes well, really well. I just don't know if this is what I want, I don't think she would be a good parent, and the price of the bad times are so high.

She threatens to kill herself if I leave, she hits herself violently when she's upset, leaving big bumps and bruises all over her body. Even on her face. She has cut herself in the past. She threatens to sue me if I leave, saying I attacked her or raped here. She threatens to kick me out and keep my stuff.

But once she snaps out of it she is normal again.

She is very high-functioning. No one knows this really but me. Maybe her family has some clues but they ignore it.

She made me ditch all my friends and family. When I try to skype with my family she will turn off the internet and complain that she wanted to do something in the room at exactly the same time, and how inconsiderate I am for trying to skype with them. She will then throw a tantrum.

If I ever dare to tell a friend or family member about her condition she threatens to kill herself, or break my stuff.

She doesn't want help.

I can't get out of this alone. I don't know what to do. I just want it to stop. I want my peace. I want to be an individual again. But I can't. I'm in so deep... .

Hello and welcome Individual,

you have found a good and safe place to come and vent, and as well learn, knowledge is power, and power brings peace of mind.

She made me ditch all my friends and family. When I try to skype with my family she will turn off the internet and complain that she wanted to do something in the room at exactly the same time, and how inconsiderate I am for trying to skype with them. She will then throw a tantrum.

This is a classic borderline personality disorder (BPD) marker, this type of behavior is quite common in a person with BPD (pw/BPD).

Once you learn to expect this behavior, you can develop coping mechanisms, ie' boundaries to help diffuse this behavior, .Formflier will back me up here, in that boundaries are a very effective tool in curbing, or even sometimes "steering" the pw/BPD when they start to "dysregulate", which basically means "act out" with BPD behaviors.

Cutting you off (attempting too) from your "support" is a classic BPD behavior, .you need to understand this for what it is, and erect a boundary there, as not an acceptable thing to be doing to you.

If I ever dare to tell a friend or family member about her condition she threatens to kill herself, or break my stuff.

Yet another classic BPD behavior... .this is manipulation/control in the extreme... .you will have to learn how to "rise above", and then handle you significant other when she presents/displays this type of self destructive behaviors... .not fun, no way to have to live, and very exhausting to have to deal with, I know !

Again, strong boundaries will stave off a lot of these BPD behavoirs to a great degree, but it does not happen overnight, it takes time to implement a boundary, and hold it.

If you could garner some degree of independence from (pw/BPD) her, ie' financial, transportation, income viability etc', .then you won't be so susceptible to her manipulations/control.

Hope this helps some, there are quite a few tools here on this site in order to learn more about this phenomena called BPD... .I would encourage you to start learning more about "boundaries", there are links here on this site that will help you in this area,

Best regards, and again welcome !

Red5

[Catlady3.14]

Welcome to the family.
Were all here because we felt we had no where else to turn. I'm sorry you're going through all this.
I am in my home country but intensely understand being isolated and being in Way over my head!
The folks here are awesome, wise and kind... I'm a newbie, so I'm here to listen mostly.

It helped me most to walk! And read information on BPD.
 I would just get out and walk for as long as possible. Trying to clear my mind and breath.
What do you have access to that could be of help to you? Library? Community center? Parks? Do you work? Have hobbies?
Are there children involved?
Sorry that's a blast of questions, I'll stop there and let you respond. Lol

[Circle]

 Hey Individual,
One of my family members served on a jury in a rape accusation case.
It was a false accusation situation, where the woman was trying to control him.
The jury could see through the situation and its falsehood.
Some shelters will protect men too.
It may help you to start doing some research using the internet about this.
You can always disappear for a few hours and use the library internet also.

The great thing, is that you see through her b.s.!
Good for you keeping your sanity and sense of what feels wrong.
Like everyone says, we are here for you.
Keep posting, stay with us, we are here for you.
-C

[MrRight]

Hello Individual

I agree with others - threats of suicide is a form of manipulation. She has probably made you feel responsible for her life - the same ploy my BPD spouse used to ensure I did not abandon her 17 years ago when I met her abroad. All these years later I am still trying to get out - looking behind me at years of nightmarish life and uncertainty about the future.

Bearing in mind she has no regard for your own true wishes and hopes - is prepared to trash your life to avoid the upset of losing you - take that into account when assessing your situation and what is the best path forward. You dont mention children - make it a priority to avoid pregnancy - as a child could be the ultimate tool of control and could limit your options, or complicate them at least.

Oddly enough you are in a better position than I was as you have avoided so far the error of bringing her back to your country - it's much easier to bail out from where you are - as if you bring her home you will feel bound to protect and look after her more so than if she stays where she is with her own family to support and n her own country.

Others have offered sound advice so I will leave it at that.

[Lucky Jim]

I can't get out of this alone. I don't know what to do. I just want it to stop. I want my peace. I want to be an individual again. But I can't. I'm in so deep... .

Just because you can't see the solution right now doesn't mean that one doesn't exist.  You can get out of this, but will probably need some help.  Are you seeing a T?  Do you have a close friend or family member with whom you can confide?  Many of us, including me, have been down this road before you.

LuckyJim

[Radcliff]

Individual, welcome to bpdfamily.  You've got a community here ready to support you.  The help is here.  Reach for it.  Looking forward to hearing more from you.

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi Individual,

I'm isolated in a foreign country too. I know how hard it is. Things that would be so small back in your country of origin get magnified. Heck, I couldn't even figure out how to get any medicine for my severe stomach pain yesterday and it seemed I might have to wait days to do so when we discovered I had bought and stored some such medicine from overseas. Voila. Seems like I must have had this problem before - hard to get basics here.

While the details of my situation vary, I know what it is like to feel in over your head with no way out. I can't even always get a handle on what I'm dealing with sometimes. "Is this person loving and kind or a monster?" I spend a lot of years asking myself.

Let me ask, are you also isolated by language? Do you have any access to money of your own? Do you have your own phone? Do you have safe access to the internet? What resources do you have on your side?

Glad you are here... .I thinking talking with you & thinking through ideas could also help me!

with deep compassion and understanding, pearl.