Can anyone who is BPD, or has dated a fellow BPD help me out on this one?

[FullyVested]

Hello!
This is my first post here.  I am a newly confirmed BPD and my current boyfriend is a long time BPD.  We are identical, no this isn’t mirroring.  We share so many of the same interests, thought processes, values, twists, turns and same  disorder, sadly.
We’ve been dating for 2-3 months.  We didn’t waste any time and moved right in with each other, we are older (40’s) and both have children his are grown and one of mine is not.  Responsible?  Probably not, but we didn’t care bc we LOVED one another so strongly and it was perfect for at least the first week!  The first week was enough for me to stick around over the course of several arguments and betrayals.  Why?  BPD love X 2!  I’m not sure anything is more amazing and I have never experienced this before in my life!  Well, my other half was secretly texting a female behind my back and lied about it to me.  He SWORE he was not holding conversations with her and actually attempted to make me feel crazy for EVEN ASKING him a simple question:  “hey, has either one of those chicks bothered to text you?”  Holy Moly!  :)id he flip out and sent me a picture of him giving me the finger.  I was able to take matters into my own hands and accessed his call log, creepy/maybe but I felt justified in cracking the code.  I sent him the logs and he went on to call me psycho... .etc.  
Well, I also found him having a Recently Active on-line dating account that he SWEARS he didn’t go on but it just showed him online bc he checked an email.  Hummm... .so, I have had to look past all of this and we worked through it but he recently told me... .I can’t deal with your 4 year old kid.  He said he tried to look past it coming into this relationship but he just can’t do it.  What the heck?
I was HYSTERICAL for 3 days crying, sobbing, he moved his stuff out.  Texts me he still loves me, he made a mistake, wait no he didn’t it’s true, I love you and think about you every day.  Finally, I was like F-u and I put him on NC.  I just don’t want to find out in 2 years he was being honest and then dump me.  However, I remain hopeful bc he planted these seeds that I do love you, I miss you horribly.  
What do I do?  Have no idea.  He recently told me he loves me so much but is tortured and therefore tortured others he doesn’t want to hurt me.  
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME OUT!  I’m in counseling, just started and will be in it weekly to assist in my craziness.  
I guess I am just rambling bc I already know if someone says dump him I won’t and if someone says it’s hopeful... .it will just feed my fire for this man.  Can anyone who is BPD dating or has dated a fellow BPD help me out on this one?

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[heartandwhole]

Hi FullyVested 

Welcome to the community!  I'm glad you reached out, as you've found a great place to learn about loving someone with BPD. I'm sorry to hear that things got so rocky so quickly in your relationship. That is stressful, and I can understand feeling conflicted about what to do.

I think you are taking a good first step by attending therapy and looking out for yourself. As you know, a relationship with someone with BPD can evoke a lot of emotional energy—both highs and lows, so getting to a place of feeling centered can help a lot.

What kind of therapy are you doing at the moment? I know that DBT has quite a good reputation for helping people.

Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on when things are difficult?

Keep writing. It helps to share. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Insom]

Hi, FullyVested.    Welcome. 

I hear that you could use some help!

Congrats on getting into counseling which is an important first step.     I support heartandwhole's comment about DBT.

Have you had a chance to poke around this site?  There are some good resources on the right side of this page that I've found helpful that you may also find helpful >>

Here's an excerpt from a piece about Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally shared.

Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.