To stay or move? What would you do?

[Jennylove]

It’s horrible when you realize that your only enemies are your own father and stepmother. And they spread malicious rumors about your mental health to their large group of friends/family. And you live in the same town where they are extremely popular,  and they  actually hang out with people you went to HS with. And they invite everyone in town to their shindigs, except you, your sister and 12yo nephew. And when ppl ask about us, they tell them how unstable and mean we are. And since they are popular, ppl believe them. For the first time in myblife, I stood up to my dad this past March and called him out on his  baloney. He blocked me. And now my SM is telling everyone how I have “anger issues.”

I am away right now, traveling for my job until early November. I work in a job  where many of  their  flying monkeys also work. I’ve seen them look my way and whisper, or, avoid me and disregard my existence in meetings. And there is one guy who tries to intimidate me and once humiliated me. He is my age, my dads best friend, and of very high power at my work.

I’d like to move away and start fresh. But financially, I’m comfortable where I’m at. And I’d hate to leave behind my moms /sister/nephew who are also the victims of their smear campaign. Our Town isn’t big, so finding a new job in my specialty isn’t feasible in my town. But I could move 3 hours away to Chicago and have a plethora of opportunities and I won’t be stressed out about seeing their flying monkeys. I love Chicago. But it’s a lot more expensive and I probably won’t make that much more, but I should still be financially comfortable and at least I won’t have to deal with them and the Flying monkeys.  But the other part of me wants to stay because maybe they want me to move. And maybe I can build a good name for myself. I’ve always wanted to start a nonprofit for teenage victims of rape. Maybe I can get going on that and get some of my power back from them in my hometown.Orrr, I could move to Chicago and work on that, too. What to do?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Jennylove,

Isn't it great that you have options? To realize that you're an adult and can make your own choices is such a huge step in my opinion. Good for you to be considering this. 

Let's pretend your parents were not a part of the picture and you were free to do anything. What would your dream be then? Would you start out in some other city for a time, perhaps mentored by someone? Would you want to remain in the small town (where everyone knows your business-I grew up in a small town too so I understand!   ), or what would it look like to you?

And the question I am often asked in T: what do your inner children have to say? Do they want to run away from those with BPD?

Some things for you to think about!
 
Wools

[Turkish]

I come from a small community,  the whole county has less than 40k people and the two biggest towns are ~2k. It has its charm and advantages, but I get the "everyone's in your business" side of it,  especially if you have visibility in the community.  Though I left in 1989, it seemed a lot of people knew about my mom and her issues. 

What keeps you from moving away,  really? What does your heart tell you?

I imagine this would also be tough with your sis and nephew still there. 

[deirdre]

I can understand the hardships of growing up in a close knit small community. The one I grew up in for the first part of my life had less then 1k in the county. Everyone really did know everyone. My uBPD father was a semi prominent person in the community as well. He was very well liked by the whole community, which at the time one of my older sisters his step daughter was a the scapegoat and in her teens. No one believed her when she would try to say what was going on. At one point she got a black eye and went to the police and told them that my father had hit her. He hadn't and the truth came out  but she was so fed up with the abuse that she just wanted others to believe it even if it meant lying and saying it was physical. Because maybe people would believe her then. My parents even took her private journal and gave it to the pastor to prove how evil she was and to ask for help for their "problem child". When the only problem was that she was being severely emotionally and verbally abused. I can very much so relate to how the "smear campaigns" can work in a small town.
I for one am very happy that I didn't have to spend my teen years there. I would not last very long in your shoes, you are really strong to have stuck with all of the drama and having made the choice to build your life there as long as your have. I will second woolspinner in saying it is great to have choices. I am right now going through leaving my parents and moving across some states to get some reprieve from the drama and some breathing space, if not forever then atleast for temporary to regain my sanity. I hope you can gain some breathing room and a reprieve for yourself whether that means staying or leaving.

[Panda39]

The decision is yours, but I will say that 3 hours is not that far away in terms of seeing the family you wish to see.

Panda39

[madeline7]

You have gotten some good feedback already. What I would like to say is that I am at the end of my career arc, and looking back I may have made different choices about where I lived in proximity to my parents, but they ended up moving to where me and my siblings lived when they got older and needed care. Now I don't have as many choices logistically in terms of moving and I do feel stuck at times. I know the "problem" isn't solved in terms of geography, but I have seen many members on this board say things improved when they were further away. Good luck with your decision, and how great that you do have choices.

[Fie]

Hello Jennylove,

I think that sometimes, moving away is not running away, it's choosing for your own sanity.
It seems that it's not only your father and stephmother who are giving you a hard time, but also a lot of members of your community.

Do you feel as if moving away would be permanent ? Is there an option to move for some time only, and reconsider your options after a while, when your living conditions have become more calm for you ?

xxx