We broke up. Why is he coming back to our old haunts and looking for me?

[Jii]

My ex broke up with me about a month ago.  He said it was over and that I was beating a dead horse. I knew I had been split black since Jan but we had been in contact since then, mostly me texting him 1-2 times a week about mundane things.  He was distant and cold but he seemed ok with the contact.  Then one day, after about 5 months of this, he just went into a rage for no reason. He is considered a quiet BPD so typically he would just go silent on me or be short in text, so I knew to lay off.

I don't think the rage had to really do with me but I think showing my concern upset him more and it resulted in him basically telling me to leave him alone. He asked, 'Can you leave me alone, please?'  For 100 years.'  It was hurtful because I felt like I was really the only one he would talk to. He would go days just sleeping and drinking and really has no friends, and even on major holidays, he's alone.  I guess if I was already split black, it's amazing he was able to tolerate me this long.  

I figured he needed space so after he broke up 'forever', I just didn't contact him.  I had no way anyhow as he had blocked me on fb. Currently the only way to contact him is via an on-line game we both play, if he is even on. He had not deleted me there like a previous time.  I noticed the 2nd week he was on the game every single night, during the hours I would be on.  I was confused because I thought he really hated me, but he seemed to be looking for me, and the minute I would come on he would tell a mutual friend he wanted to play a certain mission that we had done alone several times.  There was a great deal of team-work involved in this mission as it was survival, and we always did really well together.  It was as if he was trying to make me upset or jealous by doing 'our thing' with someone else. Hard to explain, but that's how I felt it was.

I tried sending a neutral message twice, usually about the game, the next few weeks. I often would let 5-6 days pass before coming back on so I was not being too available.  He never answered those messages but instead totally ignored me.  I tried one more time last week. This time just saying a simple 'hi'
He sent a '?'  And I said, 'Just saying hello... .(and something neutral about the game) His response was 'Ew.' probably about me saying hi.  I said nothing in return. So apparently, I still disgust him.  

I imagine everyone will say 'move on'  or 'he's obviously not interested', but I know deep down he is still in love with me.  He's a very shy, anti-social type so the fact he had any interaction says a lot. I know I can never go back to the idealization stage from last year but it doesn't matter to me.  I still can see the person he is under all these coping mechanisms and I won't abandon him although he keeps pushing me away and pulling me in (subtly).  I also have his soundcloud account info and most of his music on there is about losing love and feeling unworthy of it.  Recently he has added some of the songs he sent me early in our relationship, as if he is listening to them again in a nostalgic manner.  He has mentioned he has never felt so intensely for any girl previously.  That with me, even my voice makes him have goosebumps.

I guess my question is, why is he coming back to our old haunts and why does he have weeks where he is obviously looking for me?  Is there any hope at all?

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[pearlsw]

Hi Jii,



I can't say for sure, but it does sound like he is thinking of you. It is so hard to recognize that our partners have such a hard time with stable relationships. None of us can say if he will want to or actually reach out to you again.

Literally the only thing you have any control over is yourself. What do you want go forward?

In the meantime, if you choose to wait a bit longer and keep your heart open to him, it could serve you well to study up on the communication tools here. Have you read about them? Are you open to that idea?

I am so sorry for the pain of not knowing what is going on with his feelings and if things might get better!

with compassion, pearl.