PTSD / traits of BPD?

[confusedbloke]

Hi everyone. 

Long time no speak.  Sorry I havent been on for a while, but I just needed to stop thinking about BPD.

Well its now been 10 months since we split and Ive had a really good time since.  After about 3 months I decided to start going on tinder and POF.  At one point I had 4 different dates in 1 week!
It helped immensely for me to get over my exBPDgf and I met some lovely women.

Then I happened to meet a woman, 13 years my junior.  And she has blown me away.  She is kind, generous, caring and very pretty.  We knew each other from the local pub, just to say hello to really.  We had a chance encounter in town and it blossomed from there.

We are now very much in love with each other.  It is amazing.

But (well of course there is a "but", im starting to feel a little insecure now.
The crazy situation is that her ex boyfriend was still living with her when we met.  He had found another girl and it was more of a financial arrangement why they lived together still.
He is seeing a girl that shows incredible signs of BPD.  But the more Ive got to know the situation, she is off the chart BPD.  Ive never known anything like it.

I feel for the guy and Ive advised him about BPD and (well we know what its like, we wont be told when we are in this clouded bubble). But each time he goes back to her.

So when me and my gf first met he would have a meltdown and go running back to my gf (she is lovely and will help anyone).  But I have felt second best.  He always got priority.
We sorted all this out about 4 weeks ago, but it happened again 2 days ago.  He rang in tears and ended up staying on her couch. 

Then he stayed again last night, and I was looking forward to a night on our own.

I had a bit of a go at her and said I cant go through all this again, and said other stuff.  We eventually sorted it out. 

She is so good to talk to and Im finally starting to really open up to her, and she has mentioned the way I am is perhaps as a result of how I was treated with my exBPDgf.  Its got me thinking, and you know something, I think she is right.  I literally have the best woman Ive ever known.

I feel like im acting like my exBPDgf did.  Im not sure what to do in order to stop being paranoid and insecure.  I have abs no reason to be with my gf.

I dont want to lose her, and I think it would take a lot, for her to want to want to leave.  I think I may have some form of PTSD or have have acquired traits of BPD. 

Has anyone else experienced this?  And if so, what can be done?


Many thanks CB

[In a bad way]

From my own experience you need your girlfriends ex totally out of the picture.
You need to set boundaries which I failed to do, mines  far too long a story but I'll give you some basics.
This a***h*** was always on the scene everyday, they had been split up for a decade and she hated him but was scared of him and I never found out why.
I couldn't post on facebook anything romantic or about us because he might get upset.
Even our holiday plans got cancelled or changed so as not to upset him. Like you I had a go at her a few times over this and we "sorted" it out, only to be back to square one a couple of days later.
Unlike you I never met him because he refused but I was always second fiddle to him, it was OK to upset me as long as he didn't get upset. She accused me of being jealous when in fact I was just totally piss**off with him and her for putting him first.
Looking back I should have had a word with him my way and he would have been gone, the only reason I didn't was because we would have split up over it.
I won't go into anymore only to say what a friend told me and that is she should be putting you first which is what I kept telling her.
There is no room for him in your relationship and he needs to go and that is down to your new girlfriend to sort out and fast. If she can't or won't see that than you will have bigger problems down the line believe me.

[confusedbloke]

Hey bad way, thanks for the response.  Sounds like youve had fun!

He will always be on he scene as they have a 20 month old together.  And this is where Im conflicted.  He's a really nice guy.  He's having a god awful time with a woman who is a complete narcisist.
She has been to the police several times, accused him of rape and god knows what else.  She is a horrible human being.  And not only that, he has gotten her pregnant (well she told him clearly that it could be someone elses).  So now he is at the end of his tether.

My gf, being the lovely woman she is, knows him so well and is fearful that he may do something to himself.  Shes known him 8 years, so I can totally understand her worries.  She said that she wouldnt forgive herself if he reached out to her and she didnt respond and he did something.
Shes a caring person.  Thats why I fell in love with her.  And I am, and thats why she fell for me.

This is the conundrum. What can I do?  Its been like this since the beginning.

Do I "force" the woman I love into being someone else, an uncaring person?  Or play second fiddle when this happens over and over.  Plus my gf is very friendly with my ex wife.  We all go for a drink together with the kids, so it would be hypocritical of me to say that he wast allowed near her.

The only difference being that I dont let my past relationship (ex wife) ruin this one... .  Or do I with my ex BPDgf?  Am I being paranoid and weird because Im pushed to one side whilst she tends to him?  Is this because I went out with a woman who had BPD, and this makes me unreasonable?  Or am I just normal having rational thoughts think "hang on a minute".

All I know is, that Im unhappy about it, and dont know what to do.

Tough one eh

[In a bad way]

I understand the children involved part, mine was the same but there should be rules as in set dates and times for him to see his child, not just invade your space whenever he feels like it.
My ex's sister couldn't believe my situation and she herself had just got divorced and took his key off him and told him to make arrangements for visiting, if he wanted something of his from the house to ring first. That's the way it should be, my ex's ex still had a key and would go round when he knew I wasn't there and help himself to food and do whatever he wanted.
He ultimately destroyed our relationship even if you take BPD out of the equation, but she let him get away with it and I let her get away with it.
All the promises of she was going to tell him this and that and give him rules never happened, and then of course it was my fault according to her because I was jealous!
No I was annoyed and knew right from wrong.
It's good you get on with him I tried but he refused, but trust me if it carries on the way you describe it will get worse, it will cause arguments between you and your girlfriend, and if she can't or won't see it you will get more and more frustrated.
You are not being paranoid, you are putting up with it because you love her as I did, I knew full well there was no chance of anything between them but he was there and also screwing with us to cause trouble and he knew the affect it would have on her.
You have already said you sorted it out and a few weeks later it happened again, back to square one, I know the feeling.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, only you can decide, but I was where you are.
I told her that she was letting her past destroy us whereas I was keeping my past out of it.
Yes yours is caring whereas mine supposedly hated him, but the third person in the relationship always in the way is no good, the longer it goes on the worse it will get.
This of course is my take from my experience, but the similarities are what made me reply to you.
You are putting up with it because you love her but you have already said she is putting him first, it's not right believe me, been there my friend. Where is her commitment to you?
You know it's not right or you wouldn't have posted, correct?
This has stirred something in me because never a day goes by where I don't fantasise about doing a law abiding citizen ( film) job on this bloke, I hate someone so much and I never met him.
If I was in your shoes ever again going off what happened to me I would talk to her and try to explain and if she doesn't get it I would issue an ultimatum before it got to far and I got more hurt.
The problem with that is I tried and always got promises of she was going to tell him this and that but never did.
I fully understand exactly how you feel and how it is a problem as in the situation and also what to do about it.
Say too much and you might lose her, I thought that but in the end his interference caused the same result (along with BPD).
If as you say the guy is a nice man then you can all spend a day together at the weekend, you can even bring your ex and child which would be the best thing, but this what you are saying is happening is too much and you know it.
What happens when he finally splits up with his girlfriend for good? You will never get rid of him, it will be worse than it is now.
How would your girlfriend feel if it was YOUR ex around all the time sleeping on the couch, she wouldn't like it.
I tried to explain that to mine but all she would say is that I don't have an ex coming round everyday so she doesn't have to imagine what it would feel like, totally childlike response from her.
At the end of the day if she can't see this or thinks it's not a problem then that really is a problem.
Time tables and boundaries need to be set for him and they need to be adhered to, if after a few weeks you are back to square one you don't need me to tell you how you are going to feel, you are already starting to feel it.
It's down to you to make reasonable fair suggestions to her that are good for everyone, especially the child as it grows, but at the end of the day there is only one person who can make it happen and that is her, mine failed and it cost us.

[confusedbloke]

Thank you bad way.

Although the circumstances are different, there's certainly a similarity.

I took your advice! I calmly and steadily said that I'm 44, i can't be f@@@ing about and said that although his situation is dire, I cannot and will not be pushed aside.

And I won't. I said that he does this every so often and you drop me. And because he's with someone who displays extreme BPD behaviours, he is always on the receiving end and then runs to my gf. When he's all happy with his lady he's quite rude and nasty to my gf. I don't respect him for that.

I said that I will lose interest in her if she carries on with this. I said i really dont want to because i love her.

And that's how I feel now. I ain't afraid to voice my opinion. You're right, it's about boundaries. I didn't know what boundaries were 3 years ago when i joined this site.

My exBPDgf was literally the best thing that happened to me. She tought me to be tough, but because I have morals, I will be a good bloke. Hopefully not a confused bloke anymore!

I said this a while back, that it's oddly a good thing to have gone out with someone with BPD. It's tought me so much about myself. I've always been growing thanks to this site. I was given the honour of ambassador here. But because I was so distraught with my exBPDgf, I needed to go into solitude from anything BPD. Sorry I disappeared guys . Plus I didn't think i could offer much. It was just the way I was feeling about stuff. But was truly honoured. Thank you.

Quite weird today. Thinking about all this I almost considered emailing my exBPDgf as I've been perplexed about my current gf. I didn't! I know she is heroin. That's the only way to describe her. We all know that. It's a drug that is a toxin for us. They ain't bad people, I've always said that, but they will never be good for us. I fantasized about her getting back. Then it's like when you have stopped smoking. You have 1 cig (one text), Then another cig (a couple more texts), "I'll buy 20 tonight... .just the one night"! ("So how's your life, how's the dog etc"... .Then bang, you're addicted again. No one will excite us like a BPD girl, FACT, but try weed instead of heroin. My metaphor of the evening!

My gf is weed. She ain't sober as she has the edge that I want from a BPDgirl, but the love you get from a sane woman. It's perfect. But I have boundaries... .And now I will stick to them!

Cheers





Anyway, we had a good chat and it ended respectfully on both sides.

[In a bad way]

I hope you didn't say or do anything on my account, I was just saying from my point of view.
It is so hard and believe me I know how you feel and where you are at.
I really hope you do it better than I did.
But from my experience you cannot have the ex involved.
I wish you all the best and I hope it works out for you.
I also wish I could talk to my ex after 2 years and ask her how she feels now, but because of the way she is I will never get a straight answer and I am blocked on everything when all I did was love and support her... .It breaks my heart.

[confusedbloke]

You helped me immensely today. I said a couple of the things you'd said. I didn't do it nastily or anything. But I needed to get my head straight. And it is now.

I'm sorry you feel that way. It really sucks. But you know something... .there really is life after exBPDso. Believe me! I've learned so much. She's taught me to be a more confident and better man.

I'm blocked from my ex. I asked her to. Nc is really the only way, and to get on with life. Have the odd "miss you" moment but then enjoy the life you have.

What do you need an answer to?

[JNChell]

Hi, confusedbloke.

The crazy situation is that her ex boyfriend was still living with her when we met.  He had found another girl and it was more of a financial arrangement why they lived together still.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this has the familiar stench of  ’s. Please think about this with caution before moving forward with her. She hasn’t even cleaned up her messes yet, but is with you now. I’m speaking from experience. I’ve done what you’re doing more than once. It won’t turn out well. You’re free to do as you wish, but she isn’t making sure her side is in order, and clear and free of disruptions for the two of you. Proceed with caution. Are you familiar with triangulation?

[confusedbloke]

Hey JN. Thanks for the response.

I am extremely familiar with triangulation. That happened with my exBPDgf. She treated both of us appallingly.

I meant it's a crazy situation that her ex is with someone who displays extreme BPD behaviours. And that I have spoken to my gf about BPD. I'd never heard of BPD until I went out with my ex. And now I can spot it a mile off.

I had red flags constantly with ex, but I don't get a single one with my current. She's very open, doesn't hide anything. She's just normal.  It was more to do with the way I was thinking about the situation. Am I being paranoid as a result of ptsd with being with exBPDgf etc.

I know how current gf feels about her ex. She pitys him. Mothers him. And is worried about him as he doesn't handle life too well. There's certainly no funny business there. We talk extensively. She's feeling bad in case he does something to himself and couldn't live with the guilt. But I said last night, that she cannot think like that or it will ruin us. She cannot be responsible for him. I made myself very clear my expectations. And if my basic requirements are not met then I will lose interest and it will end as a result. I said I won't be able to help it as I know what I am like.

Hand on heart she is a really good caring woman, who loves me immensely. This isn't "the dance" or dysfunctional in the slightest. I just wasnt sure if I was wrong for having those thoughts and wondered if it was caused by exBPDgf.

CB

[In a bad way]

How did she take it when you had a talk with her, did she understand?
Mine understood at first but did nothing or the very little she did she went back on and everything resulted with me losing out in the most craziest of ways.
Also mine was BPD so it made it worse.
Sometimes if I brought the subject up she would say I was right and she would sort it out, other times she would fly of the handle and accuse me of all sorts.
Then there were the times when she had a moment of clarity and bring the subject up herself and say how it was all wrong and she was going to do this and that to get rid of him, only to change her mind and go back on her word the next morning or a couple of days later.

[confusedbloke]

Yeah, I know what you are saying.

I don't want her to get rid of him. He's having a tough time and she just wants to help.  I'm not in a BPD relationship anymore. The differences are clear. I won't ever again. But my experiences being in one have had an effect on me. I won't tolerate someone mistreating me now and I wasnt sure if I was being mistreated or if I'm over thinking. The other night she still wanted me to go back to hers, but he was there and not in a good place so i felt uncomfortable.

She is a good woman, it's more about how I deal with situations that arise. There's a fine line because if let her do what she wants that's no good, but if I have a go about everything I'm not comfortable with, then that's equally no good.

Tricky!

[In a bad way]

CB.
How are things with your girlfriend and her ex situation?
Has she set boundaries for him and do you feel any better?

[confusedbloke]

Hi Bad Way,

Ok well no boundaries were set and things are not great with us.  He is supposed to be moving out on Friday.
I have found out what the issue is I believe.  She unwittingly told me over text last night.

It looks like its some form of post natal depression.  She hasnt bonded with her son, shes not interested in me physically, always tired, headaches, avoids personal time together, but states she loves me dearly etc... . 

She said "And once he moves out I'll be on my own being a single parent again".  I spoke to a female friend about all this, and PND was her conclusion, as she suffered from it.

What has this to do with BPD you may ask?  Well because of everything thats been going on, I have acted out in a way that I did with ex.  Everything set my "red flag" sensors into overdrive, although they aint the red flags that we all know and love!

I guess not every woman is going to be so cruel and I need to come to terms with that so Ive booked in to see a therapist next Thursday.  I need to come to terms with the hurt I felt being with a exBPDgf.  I'll never move forward in life without this help.  She destroyed me and Im paranoid and insecure and untrusting because of it.

Im going to speak to current gf hopefully at lunch time today, and listen, talk and understand.  But also Im going to say that she too needs help and very tactfully say that she has a a bit of depression.

As it stands, the reason im so frustrated is because there is no use for me.  The ex is always there helping out at their home and Im not required.  She just wants to have fun with me while her ex looks after their son.  I see it as she just wants a friend while her "real" partner is at home.  I have to set my boundaries and I have, and I will continue to.  But also she has her own issues.  But because of the boundaries Im setting, and her mental state, its pushing us apart.  Theres a fine line and a real art to this.

Why cany life be easy and straight forward?