I pray every day for a morning where she isn't on my case about something.
Max,
It's been a bit since I've thought about the "nuts and bolts" (tactical stuff) of how your r/s works.
For me... .boundaries have been my number 1 tool for "calming" my relationship. I use that word "calming" since I get it... nothing is really fixed, yet I "frustrate" her ability to act out anymore.
Anyway... by and large I'm not available for a$$chewings anymore and there are a growing list of "issues" that I will only discuss in a therapists office.
She's not going to go to a T... so... .they don't get discussed and I do what I want. Most of those are her wanting me to do something... give her access to something I took away... .
I also had to come to grips that she is a grouchy person (being polite)... .so there is a certain amount of grumping that I have to put up with, if it's not directed at me.
She kinda understands this now... .if she "personalizes" it... .I leave. If she is grumping about lazy men... I ignore it.
Sometimes I "validate" how hard it must be for those women... and when I'm really ready to stir the pot I sort of "wonder outloud" how lucky we are not to deal with such issues in our r/s... .
Anyway... .my gut tells me you are "putting up" with too much. Hoping you can find a way to be less available to her for a$$ chewings.
Perhaps schedule " grump sessions"... .listen 10 minutes and the go for walk.
FF