I believe my late mother had BPD

[JNChell]

Hi all. I’m sorry that this isn’t a current and ongoing issue with my mother. She passed away in 2010, 4 months before my NPD father. He was doomed when she died.

My mom had a horrific temper behind closed doors. When she lit up, she couldn’t control herself. The house would rattle. She would scream and beat until she exhausted herself.

She wasn’t always like that. There were times when she was loving, but they weren’t often. I have no memories of her telling me that she loved me or that she was proud of me. I basically have memories of abuse and being a perpetual disappointment. I was adopted, so that adds to the confusion.

Childhood and adolescence was impossible to navigate because there was no consistency to her. There was no way to prepare or prevent. It was coming, and I never knew when.

The biggest indicator was when she and my dad would have a blow up. I knew it was coming then. It was my fault then. It had to be because they couldn’t own their crap. They never could. Not even when confronted.

I’m in the process of healing from my parent’s abuse. I’m realizing that I am drawn to abusive types as partners because it is subconsciously familiar to me. I’m learning that I stay because it’s what I know about close relationships.

I’m just curious to hear other testimonies. Maybe we can start a conversation here.

[iris519]

I can identify with so many of your statements! That unpredictable behavior has given me depression and anxiety from growing up having to walk on eggshells. I know that my mother loved me. She did tell me and I have good memories with her. But the next day she would come home and threaten to throw all of my clothes away, tell me how ungrateful and lazy I was, and scream at me for an hour because I forgot to get her clothes out of the dryer. Everything was always my fault. She was a hoarder: that was my fault. The house was disgusting: that was my fault. A relationship didn't work out with a guy she liked: that was my fault too. I just recently started seeing a therapist and realized how much depression and anxiety I really have. I'm on medicine as well. I struggle everyday because I'm so paranoid of being like her. Now I'm dealing with tons of guilt because I know that she did/does love me, but she is incapable of a healthy relationship. I feel like I am supposed to feel a certain way and I just don't. I don't want to be around her, I don't want to talk to her, and I don't want to even hear from her. I feel like a therapist is needed (personally), but I also still feel like I have a long, long way to go. I am beginning to realize that many of my emotional issues now stem from the way I grew up.

[Turkish]

Being adopted myself,  I agree that it can be confusing.  Did you ever think like,  "you wanted me enough to adopt/rescue me,  so why did you treat me horribly?"

[JNChell]

Not wanting to be around her is a healthy sign. Your body is talking to you. It’s warning you. The physiological stuff is real. Embrace it.

Would it be fair to say that you’re a bit emotionally charged at the moment? Most of us were when we arrived at this place. This is a support group iris519. This place is full of knowledge and peers. Some of us are where you are right now. There’s also a good handful of senior members that have healed, but chose to stick around because they simply enjoy helping others. You’ve found a good place.

Am I a horrible human being?

Absolutely not. You’re here looking for guidance. Step outside of that for a moment and look at it. Would you think that a person looking for guidance is a horrible human being? You’re in a safe place.

[JNChell]

Turkish, every f*****g day! I’m pissed off about it.

[Turkish]

Turkish, every f*****g day! I’m pissed off about it.

Do you know anything about your bio family? Whether or not,  do you think about how differently your life may have been if they had kept you?

[iris519]

Being adopted myself,  I agree that it can be confusing.  Did you ever think like,  "you wanted me enough to adopt/rescue me,  so why did you treat me horribly?"

This thought would haunt me!

[JNChell]

Turkish, yes.

Do you know anything about your bio family? Whether or not,  do you think about how differently your life may have been if they had kept you?

I’ve had contact with both. This is for another thread, but my ex found them before I was ready. You know, you gave me advice on cutting bio mom out. Bio dad has lung cancer. Last I heard he’s still smoking and pretty much skin and bones. That was the info I got from my half sister. Been a couple months since that news. I’ve not met either one.

Bio mom and bio dad were teenagers. To keep this short, bio mom has diagnosed BPD in her family. Bio dad was bumming money for cigarettes, beer and lottery from his early twenties kids. I’m not sure which scenario would’ve been better. At this point, I’m just breaking the damn cycle. It’s over.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey JNChell, 

I’m sorry that this isn’t a current and ongoing issue with my mother. She passed away in 2010, 4 months before my NPD father.   

No need to ever apologize for this. My uBPDm passed away in 2012 before I even began working on my stuff. The unpacking of our childhood abuse is current and present. That's what matters.

I think it's bad enough that bio parents have this disorder, let alone trying to wrap my head around how you and the Wolf were chosen and then treated wrong. I'm so sorry for that, for both of you.

Glad to have you here sharing.

Wools

[JNChell]

My parents were awful people that kept up appearances. I’m sorry, but I need to vent. I had a fantasy of one day dragging my dad out of the house, and beating the hell out of him. This was something I was going to do. I was going to purposely pick a fight with that man. He was feeble by the time I thought I wanted to do this. He was never my father, she was never my mother. They were abusive f***s and I’m glad that my child never met them.

It’s our FOO. It can’t be ignored, and we can’t blame our SO’s completely for everything. We must look at ourselves in all of this. Honestly, I feel a bit gross in knowing the amount of blame that I have placed on my ex. It wasn’t just her. She’s been through enough. She ended up with me. A guy with C-PTSD. It doesn’t take a genius.

I’m sorry for ranting. I needed to. Bless this forum.

[JNChell]

What kind of sick SOB sticks a pistol in his son’s gut? What kind of a mother sits there and ignores it? What kind of a dad puts a gun in his mouth in front of his son? What kind of a dad tries to hand his son a pistol while pleading that I would be doing everyone a favor?

[Woolspinner2000]

They were sick and abusive. 

Let it out, JNChell, keep sharing.

We're listening.

[JNChell]

I hate them. I hate what they did to me. I hate that I’m abnormal because of their sick and twisted abuse. Mostly, I hate that I am unable to make proper decisions in who I allow in. I’m an adult now, and I’m responsible for that. I’ve done a poor job. They taught me nothing of any worth. I truly despise them. I was nothing but a status symbol for them to others. I was a damn whipping post behind closed doors. I’m glad that they’re dead.

[JNChell]

I was made to stand in the corner for hours while they watched TV and laughed. If I turned to look, I was threatened at the very least. I couldn’t negotiate my terrain. It changed beneath my feet as I was walking. I couldn’t plan or predict. It was in perpetual limbo whether I was good or bad. I never knew from day to day.

I’m obviously having a meltdown right now. I’m glad that this support group is here.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.  Like Wools said, just let it come out.  We are here right beside you.

[Fie]

Hello JNChell 


Your anger is so understandable. I have been angry too (BPDmum - NPDdad, but less than yours from what I'm reading). Like you, I have made unhealthy parnter choices because of the way I was raised. It sucks big time, I know 

I’m glad that they’re dead.

Yes they are, and they cannot hurt you anymore. From now on, things will slowly get better. You are starting to see things for what they were. That is the start.


A lot of people here have been where you are, or are there at this very moment. Please keep sharing, we will help you through this, and you will also help others with your story.

You are not alone.

[iris519]

My parents were awful people that kept up appearances. I’m sorry, but I need to vent. I had a fantasy of one day dragging my dad out of the house, and beating the hell out of him. This was something I was going to do. I was going to purposely pick a fight with that man. He was feeble by the time I thought I wanted to do this. He was never my father, she was never my mother. They were abusive f***s and I’m glad that my child never met them.

It’s our FOO. It can’t be ignored, and we can’t blame our SO’s completely for everything. We must look at ourselves in all of this. Honestly, I feel a bit gross in knowing the amount of blame that I have placed on my ex. It wasn’t just her. She’s been through enough. She ended up with me. A guy with C-PTSD. It doesn’t take a genius.

I’m sorry for ranting. I needed to. Bless this forum.

We're all here because we've realized that something was really wrong with a very significant relationship in our lives. It leaves a scar and impacts every other relationship we have. I've been in therapy for a few months now and I feel like I go in with one thought or problem and leave with 20 more. Hang in there! You are not alone. 

[JNChell]

Hi, iris519. Geeze, I was pretty charged up when I started this thread. I’m a bit embarrassed by this. I must say that the PSI board and therapy have been a tremendous help.

We're all here because we've realized that something was really wrong with a very significant relationship in our lives. It leaves a scar and impacts every other relationship we have. I've been in therapy for a few months now and I feel like I go in with one thought or problem and leave with 20 more. Hang in there! You are not alone.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I agree with you. It has impacted many relationships that I’ve had. My goal is to end that. To heal from this, to learn how to love myself and then, possibly, put my best self out there when and if I feel ready again. I’m speaking about a romantic relationship. My friendships have sorted themselves out, and I’m realizing that the wheat has been separated from the chaff. I dissolved a couple of these friendships, a couple of others decided to dissolve the friendship themselves. I’m happy with who is in my life now. They are good people that have supported me, and I support them. Thanks for chiming back in on this thread.

This is a personal matter for you, so please don’t feel obligated to respond, but what is going on in therapy? I’m concerned about you ending your sessions with a feeling that things are worse. Are you comfortable with giving examples? I’ve seen a couple sub-par T’s with my ex. They made things worse and picked a side. It added to the madness. Don’t be afraid to seek help elsewhere. Is your current T a trauma specialist?