Creative work together? She's already inferring blame on me

[braveSun]

Oh, I love my spouse. She is an artist and has such a great mind, it’s one of the things that attracted me to her all along. She’s the one who helped me see about my own talent. I owe her much for it. Last week she asked me to help her with a promotional printed piece for a show she is going to participate in at the end of the month. I am most eager to help her all the ways I can. However, does it have to be that painful?

Some context. In the past we did work on some creative projects together. And in those times we went through having these moments where both our hopes went very high, than she would attack me for my ideas or the way I work, and we would end up having a fall out. Each time it went pretty much that way. And if she had not done that yet, I was not stupid enough this time to not expect it. But I would like to manage this better now, as I have hope that with the skills I am developing here I can influence a better outcome this time.

This one time it’s a very small project. And sure enough, I sent her something to start the process, and she calls me up this morning, talking to me like a movies’ general spitting snotty judgements to his subalterns...   Oh hell, I’m not going to go down that road again.

First of all, I was feeling a bit sick and told her so. It didn’t slow her down a breath. Than at some point I had to go use the restroom, which helped. But than I had a definite need to reach out to her. Last weekend she had a serious medical emergency, and we had some pretty intense time together. Since than she’s been better, but yesterday she told me that she had felt the need to take a certain one time (related) medication before going to bed. This morning I had a panic attack when I woke up. I felt a strong need to check in with her first thing, to tell her how much I love her, chat a bit about the state of her health, try to verify or dismiss my apprehensions. I waited about an hour and called her back. No answer. Than she called. And there she was, a tad less directive, but still very vocal about how annoyed she was that we were wasting time. Hey!… Did I just tell her earlier that I was not feeling well this morning?

So here it is. Originally she told me she wanted to have our project printed in a small size because there was not going to be a lot of table space where she would have her work presented at the show. I had a different format than hers in mind, small in size too. I expected she was going to say mine was wrong and hers was the only possible way. I knew visually not so, and price wise, mine and hers were pretty much the same. Bare with me, we’ve worked on creative projects together before. I have a master’s degree in this. This piece can help her nicely if it is done well.  Only she tends to start her ideas quite outlandish and it can be difficult to get to something that works. So we discussed a bit, than she came up with a modified size, a fraction of a difference from my format, except mine is more pleasant proportionally. She accepted to look at an example. I sent it. Now she’s saying she liked the layout, but the text is too small. Yes, I know. But the rest of the story goes on about how much time we’ve been wasting, bla bla bla.

In the meantime she got an email from a guy who needed a 300 words life story outline from her. She had sent stuff to him and it was not fitting his needs. So he had asked in the email for her to either send him the 300 words paragraph, or to call him and give him the outline verbally, so he could type it himself. Nice accommodation. But she had forwarded me the email and today was calling to get me to re-send it to her, because she had thrown it away.

Than while talking a bit about what she was having on her list today, I hear that she has to finish a sculpture that she said she was including in the show. Knew the deadline to turn her pieces in was now (more or less a day from now). The promotional printed piece (our project) was never discussed with the show organizers. All in all, I know there is still about a week of time, and I am pacing this nicely so far, so we can meet the printing deadlines and she can have it on time for the show.  But her mind is not with me on this. She’s getting on to find someone to blame instead. And it's me, yes.

So in the spirit of SET, I try to remind her that I’m not up to par just now, I’ll get back to her when I feel better (setting my boundary), I know that the fonts are too small in the small size page, I know she wants the piece to be easy to read (validated her concerns), what size would be large enough she thinks (invited more of her input), she doesn’t have to tell me right away (validating her need to take a distance from topic), we’ll talk about it a bit later (I'm still on this).

On my side of things, I’m buying a bit of time, and trying to juggle how I’m going to introduce her the different decisions steps, so she gets to be involved in the design too (and not flatly reject the end result, nor sabotage the whole thing). But today she went on about how a designer is supposed to present this way and that way to a client, and about how it would not go well if I told my boss that I had a headache.

Here is a situation that in the past has done me in. Today I don’t want to JADE. But I need to involve her in the creative process, so I am not ignoring her wishes and concerns either. My thoughts are to follow her line of critique and to present her with a visual example of the next step after listening to her, so that she can judge for herself visually.  To make her decide of the next step, but not to give her too many choices at once. Like to gradually let her see the more and more balanced way. I have limited time for it all, but can do 3-4 rounds.

Any creatives out on these boards? I know creatives have to work with difficult clients at times.

Open to feedback and suggestions from all.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[braveSun]

Well, I think she did provide answers to my question. The process I was hoping to use is not going to work.  Even though both our intentions were good and we felt like we could do this, she showed me she can get triggered quite easily. I can't control that. My SET might not have been quite right, but at the time of her first call that day, she was already too far. Complicated time outs might not be practical as we’re approaching deadlines, and I’m not up to work under fire. 

Later that day I had called her and by that time I was really feeling sick, and made the mistake to show my vulnerability (being sick and wanting to sweet talk with her).  Nope, she was not going to get off of the one thing she wanted from me that day. She responded with hostilities, she was disgusted in me, bla bla bla, she was doing so much for me and I couldn’t do just the one thing how she wanted it, bla bla bla, completely dysregulated. I had to remove the phone from my ears when she started to make some threats. There was just no point in my having my own physical needs, feelings, reality, nothing else there.

It was shocking. These things always will shock me, no matter how much I know she’s capable of saying horribly hurtful things. I can’t wrap my brain around that. It’s beyond my grasp.

Well, I could say it’s because she is not always like that. When we have started on this she was amenable to check on different ideas as part of the process to reach the best solution.  What I have to learn is that even though she can, we may need a large amount of time in front of us for spacing the work talks, since keeping a protocol (or keeping a decent level of respect) for these talks won’t work with her.  Than again, it’s my enthusiastic problem solving thinking here.

Saturday she obviously was triggered when she called in the morning. I don’t know what did it. From what I heard her say,  I register that she got very angry by the mere fact that I should do exactly what she wants and didn’t do it. Was not able to do it right than and there, therefore in her mind I was deficient. Doesn’t matter if what she wants is not quite possible, or would not come out the way she envisions it. No flexibility there. No gray zone there. Nada.

Now we’ve been no contact since the incident. After I removed the phone from my ears, she eventually hung up, and never reached out again. That day I was sick, enough that I burned two dishes I was trying to cook for myself. I rarely burn food while I cook, and never burned it twice in a row!... I went to bed at 6 pm and slept 12 hours straight.   

Now I feel better physically, but to be honest, I don’t have it in me to call her back nor to do anything for her right now.

I feel anger. I cannot call her back to offer her to sort out what has happened there. I was truly sick. It’s a boundary for me. I cannot let her do this. Let the chips fall wherever they go.

I expect that she will talk to some of her friends and complain about this. I cannot know what she will share with them. She’s been triangulating with friends and family before and some of them have directed a bit of an annoyed or angry vibe at me in the past. One of them who stays at her house part time has her own issues with addictions and is an enabler.  That friend can be very judgemental and act a bit like a bully. I am very careful to not let any of this influence my own judgements on myself. Definitely takes some work on myself at times.

I also have a bit of a background fear she’ll do things that impacts negatively my future or financial situation while she is angry.  She’s done that in the past too.

[pearlsw]

Hi braveSun,

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with your spouse! I know how painful it can be to want to do projects of any kind with a partner and simply not being able to as the communication is just too strained and difficult.

So, will you still be able to do your share of the art project? Is there any room for enjoyment for you with this still?

Sorry you have not been feeling well and are not getting the attention, support and love you need!   

take care, pearl.

[isilme]

ugh.  I am so sorry.  unBPDH and I met in college orientation for both get our BFAs... .I feel your pain. 

I had a hard time being in the same classes as him (mistake, we too the exact same schedule ONE semester).  His style and my style are different.  Which for him is a form of invalidation, as I know now, and so he'd often rip into me and my work for not looking how HE wanted it, or when I would not or could not make some adjust HE felt a painting needed.  Never mind he often could not paint what he was telling me to do himself, I was just being mean for not doing it.

Fast forward to graphics work.

I've loved drawing on computers since about 1987, when I discovered MS paint.  I would spend hours to recreate super pixilated versions of my favorite movies, as I was tied to home by a BPD mom and BPD dad.  I had to entertain myself quietly and not be seen or heard, and computer drawings was great fun for me. 

We got a... ."free" copy of photoshop in college.  H and I are self-taught on it, but he's a menu-guy, and I am a keyboard shortcut person.  So he gets mad when I can't tell him where in the menu an option is, I just say, ick the tool and "control+alt".  My way is "wrong".

I worked at a small newspaper for years, learned on the job how to use Pagemaker, Indesign and Illustrator and Dreamweaver.  They just kind of speak to me.  I taught H how to use all of them, and he's good, but still rigid and our build styles are not the same.  I go for looks and speed, ho goes for rigid conformity of the text and other elements.  He will manually obsess over an eighth of an inch in placement.  I use the guides and auto align and go.  Anyway, it can be dicey when he gets bogged down and needs my help to meet a deadline for a freelance client, as I can conform to HIS style, but he can't make heads or tails of mine. 

Yes, working together is a pain.  And being the one who is always lazy or wrong, is difficult.  And I dread certain projects as a poorly chosen word, or a misunderstanding of instructions, or even a difference in taste can all lead to an argument.

For H, I have learned to try to keep out as much as possible.  I can do things much faster, and I had a way to convince clients to use my designs (I'd do exactly what they wanted... .and make it kinda ugly.  I'd do my way.  And a middle of the road, and let them choose.  It's their money).  It's a joke with friends who send me crazy photo comp requests, for me to promise 5 minutes or less (not for good work, just good enough for a laugh) for silly things, like trading Pennywise the clown with Gallagher the watermelon-smashing comedian.  Such a thing for him takes hours to be "prefect".  But I know it makes HIM feel better to have HIS idea out there, and I just let him do his own thing as much as possible.

And it can hurt as another creative person to have someone close to you eviscerate something you made.  I like landscapes.  I like the ACT of painting but often hate finding a subject.  He used to mock landscapes as "not real art."

Anyway, yes, you see where you can communicate better, but also remember, this whole thing is invalidating.  Anything less than her own ideas is a judgment of her ideas.  When H asks me for an opinion of his latest painting, I try to stick to clinical assessments - good use of composition, I like how you used blue over here but it's not flat, etc. 

H does not like deadlines.  He hates schedules.  I really fel for you, can't really offer much more than a shoulder at the moment.  Hope you're able to feel better - that just makes it all worse, feeling poorly.

[Radcliff]

braveSun, I'm not artistic, but I definitely get working with a pwBPD on a joint project as an external deadline approaches, and their difficulty in dealing with the situation chewing up valuable time, all the while the deadline is getting closer and I know I'll be blamed later.

Have you established a deadline to send to the printer and clearly articulated it to her?

It sounds like you've only got a certain amount of time and it's hard to both get time to work when you're feeling well, and to get her to engage constructively.  Can you use isilme's suggestion to present her with a limited number of alternatives?

Sorry to hear that you're feeling under the weather.  Are you feeling any better?

WW

[braveSun]

Thank you Pearl for your kindness and the hugs!...
These ways she has can knock me all off my kilters!

I really appreciate the nudge. If it's from you, I'll try!...    

Will get back into it tomorrow morning. 

[braveSun]

Oh, thank you Isilme, for sharing your story and putting me back in the big picture !… I love the way you describe your graphic design beginnings and your woes with your H!... made me laugh so hard!...  

We started with MS paint too, in 1998. It was a love at first sight for both of us. She is the one who made me buy my first computer. A gigantic thing which came in a cow box and kept me up all night from going to bed... Number one mistake. Than, one time we were both getting completely absorbed into making a Xmas tree, she really got into it, and she forgot to save a myriad of changes when the window shut down.   

Naturally since then I’ve been the one who have lost all her artwork!...


When I read about you two, man, I can see it going…    Well, I think it’s only her , who is too temperamental. She thinks ‘in real life, bosses and clients bla bla bla’... Naturally,  I don’t believe bosses and clients are like that. Some maybe, like herself and someone she has known. Certainly not everybody.  When I’m in my good spirits I tell her that I won’t work for them if they’re like that.

I had a way to convince clients to use my designs (I'd do exactly what they wanted... .and make it kinda ugly.  I'd do my way.  And a middle of the road, and let them choose.  It's their money). 

Yes. I wanted to give her a few utterances, a bit similar to this. Maybe the classic method like you do will work better for her. Only 3.

And it can hurt as another creative person to have someone close to you eviscerate something you made.  I like landscapes.  I like the ACT of painting but often hate finding a subject.  He used to mock landscapes as "not real art."

I wish I could paint. I admire people who can paint. For me it’s magic that someone can materialize something just with putting this and that color here and there.  And the patience!… Well, there’s so much more to it. That’s why it’s an art... I only play with colors. It has a great calming effect on me. Like a meditation.  Landscape seem to be the perfect subject. Sure does hurt. He must not like Van Gogh very much than.

Anyway, yes, you see where you can communicate better, but also remember, this whole thing is invalidating.  Anything less than her own ideas is a judgment of her ideas. 

Very true.

It’s tough to have to work with a partner who is an artist. Dread is the word. There is always some kind of competition somehow.  It’s hard to not take things personally. They can tear us down. Yes. Posting on these boards has it’s own meaning too.

The funniest part Isilme is that I am the slow one like your H who will fuss at eights of inches and perfect copy alignment. I mean, the title and the body of the text have to have a certain shape in proportion to the page, and balance the eye movement a certain way or else... And she is the one who wants it done in an hour, thank you m’am bim bam.  

On the other hand, I can relate to the technical challenge. I taught her the software too and she’s more rigid in her approach (menu driven vs short cuts, yeah!), and once in a while, she still doesn’t remember how to unlock her layers!... I’ll always remember the day she called me to tell me she had lost her mouse.

H does not like deadlines.  He hates schedules.  I really fel for you, can't really offer much more than a shoulder at the moment.  Hope you're able to feel better - that just makes it all worse, feeling poorly.

Deadlines add more stress, yeah.  Thank you for sharing Isilme, it's a great help.
I loved reading your story. It does make me feel much better.

[braveSun]

braveSun, I'm not artistic, but I definitely get working with a pwBPD on a joint project as an external deadline approaches, and their difficulty in dealing with the situation chewing up valuable time, all the while the deadline is getting closer and I know I'll be blamed later.

Have you established a deadline to send to the printer and clearly articulated it to her?

It sounds like you've only got a certain amount of time and it's hard to both get time to work when you're feeling well, and to get her to engage constructively.  Can you use isilme's suggestion to present her with a limited number of alternatives?

Sorry to hear that you're feeling under the weather.  Are you feeling any better?

WW

Thank you WW for stopping by!

Yes, I will be blamed either or. That's in part what makes it hard to embrace. She knows of the printers' deadline, at least the one I have looked up for the prices. We have until Thursday. I'll give it a try tomorrow for the version she said she wants, and a middle of the road version. That'll make 3 of them. Still not all lost on my side. I feel much better today physically at least. I redid my two dishes and they were just right...  

We'll see.

[Radcliff]

I am glad you are feeling better!

What were the two dishes?  I'm cooking for one these days quite a bit... .oh, I should modify that, I'm being lame and going out to eat alone quite a bit, or getting takeout, and would like to sometimes be more like you, cooking.  It's hard for me to get motivated to cook for one, though!

WW

[braveSun]

What were the two dishes?  I'm cooking for one these days quite a bit... .oh, I should modify that, I'm being lame and going out to eat alone quite a bit, or getting takeout, and would like to sometimes be more like you, cooking.  It's hard for me to get motivated to cook for one, though!

I know what you are talking about. Especially if you have to cook for your family. It can be such a duty. Once off duty it's nice to go out and don't have to think about it. I started cooking for myself when I started to go out to the gym very seriously. Was watching my nutrition intake everyday and needed a lot more proteins and iron for a while. I learned a lot.

Now cooking for myself is a given. I try to do batches and freeze portions, though. Or store them in glass containers in the fridge. I'm not into spending a lot of time at the stove everyday. 

I've made big soups, casseroles, dishes easy to separate into portions and store. I've come to love rice and beans. They're great comfort foods. Simple, yet if you learn to do it right, it can be very tasty, and very economical. Yesterday I made a batch of rice, and a batch of southern butter beans. I love the beans more than candy. You can find good recipes online. The trick is to get your pantry going with plenty of fresh herbs and spices you love yourself. Any recipe of your childhood you have learned to do, or you have wished you could do? Some of them are probably online.

I always keep stock of good olive oil, good vinegar, a dozen of fresh versions of my favorite spices, rice, and a few batches' of various beans, garlic. In the freezer, some flavoring meats, like ham hock, or andouille or italian sausage. In the fridge some carrots and onions. And some decent chicken stock. Not too rich in sodium nor fat if I can, so my in season fresh herbs are the feature in the dish.

Beans are very easy to cook. You soak them overnight, rinse, than you just put everything you need in the pot and bring to boil, then let it simmer for 1-2 hours while you're doing something else. Might need to watch that the amount of liquid keeps above the beans once in a while. Some people cook them in a crock pot. Here where I live they're an everyday staple. Butter beans with handmade corn bread and a slice of creole tomatoes on the side?...
 

 

[isilme]

H's family recipe - rinsed Pinto beans, cooked overnight in a crockpot, 8 or more hours, with onion, garlic, black pepper, cilantro, and maybe tomatoes.  With cornbread or tortillas - (Texas). 

Lol - he actually LIKES Van Gogh - in painting he likes expressionism... .but attacks it the same way he does design as if the left brain should dominate it.  So he ends up not liking it because he doesn't' realize that other painters A) are willing to repeat and do the same subject lots of times until it feels right. B) While composition and color choice IS/CAN BE calculated, sometimes you need to just let go.

I'm a lot more Monet, partly because I like to paint with my glasses off.   

I had one last thing I thought I'd said but hadn't.  Just like with clients, I distance my emotions as much as I can from H's design desires.  Clients can be willing to pay money for what I think looks really BAD.  H's tastes and design ideas are always going to be different from mine.  Since he can't accept it, as the more "able-emotioned" person, I accept it for both of us.  My heart can't really be on my sleeve. 

As for the deadlines, ugh, that's a whole other issue, and applies to most pwBPD it seems.  Lack of Executive Control I think it's called. 

[Radcliff]

Thanks for all the detail on cooking!  Hmm... .beans.  I'm not really a beans guy, but maybe I should reconsider.  In middle age, I finally accepted brussel sprouts as a food I'd eat (roasted with olive oil, not boiled like in the 70's).  As a kid, I thought serving brussel sprouts was tantamount to child abuse.  It was the last frontier, the last childhood aversion I dropped.  Beans, I'll eat, but reluctantly.  If I want to eat healthily, I think I'm going to need to look at beans again   If I can reconsider brussel sprouts, everything should be on the table (literally and figuratively  )

WW

[braveSun]

Well I did it!... I did send her 2 more layouts, one being the way she had said wanted it, but with a bit of my own touch. She chose that.

Than went onto a second round of versions with color choices. Tomorrow we'll talk and she'll decide the final version.

Exhausted, but I did my best. Hope I will be able to present something decent in the end. Will have to work with a local printer and would like to do this right.

Thanks, Pearl, Isilme, and WW !  You don't know how much your support have helped me!...
I feel so much better to not be the only one who is wrong!...    

Brave
 

[braveSun]

In middle age, I finally accepted brussel sprouts as a food I'd eat (roasted with olive oil, not boiled like in the 70's).  As a kid, I thought serving brussel sprouts was tantamount to child abuse. 

 
 

Oh WW, Brussels sprouts are a biggy. Congratulation that you've found a way!...   So sorry I went on bragging about something that's not your thing. Really, whatever you DID like as a kid is the way to go. It doesn't necessary have to fall into the 'healthy' category.

[Radcliff]

 
 

Oh WW, Brussels sprouts are a biggy. Congratulation that you've found a way!...   So sorry I went on bragging about something that's not your thing. Really, whatever you DID like as a kid is the way to go. It doesn't necessary have to fall into the 'healthy' category.

Oh, no, I do need to get my diet to a healthier place.  Don't be too easy on me!  I'm at that middle point where you get serious and figure out how you're going to get the body to go for another good 30 years!  I appreciate the focus on beans.  I'm eating too much meat, and need to learn some more protein sources.

How is the project going?

WW

[braveSun]

WW, I totally get what you're talking about. That was my middle time too. I am now grateful I studied what I ate and how it affected how I felt. The body tells you what you need to know right away. It's a great time to set some better habits, I agree. And if you're lucky you have many good years ahead to enjoy.

Project, I did it. Turned the files to the printer yesterday. If everything goes well she'll have it on time for the show. Isilme had a point. I depersonalized. The mood was a bit tense. I depersonalized extra. She did blow up once more and I took my ears away from the phone. Than she texted some type of apology-explanation. Funny how I could see that the explanation part did not feel too validating.

Overall she was more careful after that, but the tone of her interactions was showing that she was trying very hard to not attack. Like on the verge of anger all the time. Very difficult to relate to. It's is not something I really want for my relationship. About the work, well, it's for her. Not for my portfolio. I gave that one up. Some good parts, some parts I'd never let happen in a portfolio.

That's the problem with volunteering for portfolio... It has to be something that will serve you for the type of work you want in the future, not too much of the 'cheap on the side' jobs that you can barely pay the bills with. It's a much more involved process, and I need to pick my assignments very carefully.

Today it's done, I feel a bit empty. The normal after a job goes out. Here and now, it's back to the usual frustrations (money woes, no income yet, short leach type of thing). That's for another topic.

All in all the exercise of working at something did feel energizing. Pearl, Isilme, WW, if it was not for you all I could not have done it. You really helped me stay on my  course of action no matter what. I was feeling calmer. I could dodge the bullets better and stay on task. It makes it so much more possible to keep my cool up when I know that you on the boards *know* what I am going through. Not being alone with such experience (as a non) makes so much more sense.

Thank you!        

 
 

[pearlsw]

Hi braveSun,

Oh that is so kind of you to say! Yes, it is so great to know we have our peers, our support group of folks here, for the toughest of times. I shudder to think what the last year would have been like for me without the kind voices here that understood and lifted me through various crises!

warmly, pearl.

p.s. May I make another vote for the awesomeness of beans and brussel sprouts! (not to mention cornbread or tortillas! you are making me miss the states islime!)

[Radcliff]

braveSun, congrats on finishing the project!  We're happy to cheer, you did all the heavy lifting!
     

What's your next mountain to climb?

WW

[braveSun]

Thanks for the cheering, WW, it cracks me up!...    

I don't know of my next work project yet. Right now I have to find a new roommate as July is approaching fast and my current one is leaving mid-month. I will get back to my job search preparations tomorrow too. Not glamorous yet, but part of the things which help with my self-confidence.

[braveSun]

Post-production recap

There is always some sort of mental recap that happens after the work has been submitted and we see the results. The show opening is this Saturday and my spouse have invited me to go with her. I can certainly understand her willing to be there, and to have me on her side for the occasion. I offered to accompany her. Something to celebrate!   

The itch is that the photos in the printed project are ok, but not good up to my standards. I didn’t want to use the photos she gave me, and she didn’t want to make fresh ones (my suggestion) at the beginning. So I had to accept hers and do my best to improve them a little in Photoshop. I knew, though, that there was very little I could do to enhance them the way they were. They were jpg images cropped sometimes a little too tight, or worked up as output images for other (very different) projects of hers. Most of them not original copies.

Now that we are both immersed in the post prod thinking phase, she is also not happy about one photo. And you guessed it, she blames me. I’m supposed to have fixed it. Truth is, that one was cropped too tight to begin with. She saw it all week long last week and didn't offer to replace it with an original. She mentioned that she could have sent the original copy. She only brought up the subject after the deadline was passed.

Here we have it. That’s why you should never work for your spouse to begin with...  

So. I’d thought I’ll show up as her faithful half, not for myself, and won’t talk about it with anybody, just smile and give her the accolade she deserves. 

But. She also has been saying things yesterday (while in a blow up) that have me rethink the idea of my presence there all over. She was talking about how, if I was working for a client, I should have done this, bla bla bla. (Things I don’t agree with to begin with). She also ended the blow up with yelling at me “I’m not giving you any more money!”...

It appears to me now that she could be thinking that she is paying me for this project with the money she gives me in support while I am looking for a job in my field. Not good.

We have worked together in the past and I see how that pattern emerges. She likes to act as if she would be the boss and I would be the subordinate. That kind of roles slipping is not my making at all. I am very careful about this.

She is less skilled than me with the software, and she has wonderful ideas, some of them totally impractical. But that’s a part of the creative process, so I tend to let it be a little. I have to pick my battles.

It’s when she starts to slip into roles like this that I start to feel objectivized. And naturally, in these roles, I am the bad employee, or unable to work with clients, bosses, etc...

Now. Normally when you are with other creatives you discuss these things as amiably as possible, and walk away with one or two things you’ll try or do differently next time, even possibly feeling a little vexed on the side. That’s OK. That’s part of the deal. We all want to learn to make things better the next time. But with her what I got was LAVA!…

Now today,  yeah?... , no?…, I don’t feel good.  Here I am, coming to this board, hoping to get a bit of validation.  Hoping that next time she’ll accept to make fresh pictures. Hoping, hoping, hoping.  And also feeling much apprehension about my going to the show with her (the ride back home in the car).

[isilme]

Here we have it. That’s why you should never work for your spouse to begin with

Ha.  It's always how I try to operate, but just like today, we got a request from a friend of a former client, asking for a pretty complex set of photoshop gymnastics.  Now, I can do it.  I can take a series of good partials from something, composite to make one GOOD image, and then even map it to appear like it's on a round surface (what we think is being asked). 

The problem here will be, I'd want to get out office set up at home and get to work right away.  H will dither about, until its almost due, then freak out he never shared the files with me or gave me his green light to do the work.  I have to sit back and give him the chance to succeed here and let him try to work on it.  But since I am a bit more relaxed and (IMO) adept at photo manipulations, I'd make a less stressful job of it.  He will insist on it.  He will try, start pounding square pegs into round holes, ask me why the program won't do something he wants, I will tell him a better way to do it (but that's invalidating) and get chewed out.  My methods and how I work will come under attack, and then, fighting to keep my own composure, I will be sent to the desk to "fix" it as a slightly emotional wreck. 

Yes, he sees himself always as "the foreman", needed to guide me in how to be professional (nevermind I'd been working full time in design 7+ years before he started).  And yes, much of his words consist of "you should have... ."  Not "I".  Not "we".  If there is blame, it's for me. 

I am sorry she is not being consistently supportive of you while between jobs.  I remember a period when I was laid off for budget cuts.  I felt so worried about "earning my keep".

I hope you can find something soon for yourself - I think that will help remove your availability for things like this, take away some of the ammunition she can try to hold over you, and get you out htere with daily input from other people not her. 

[braveSun]

Ha.  It's always how I try to operate, but just like today, we got a request from a friend of a former client, asking for a pretty complex set of photoshop gymnastics.  Now, I can do it.  I can take a series of good partials from something, composite to make one GOOD image, and then even map it to appear like it's on a round surface (what we think is being asked). 

I will tell him a better way to do it (but that's invalidating) and get chewed out.  My methods and how I work will come under attack, and then, fighting to keep my own composure, I will be sent to the desk to "fix" it as a slightly emotional wreck. 

Right on!...  

Yes, he sees himself always as "the foreman", needed to guide me in how to be professional (nevermind I'd been working full time in design 7+ years before he started).  And yes, much of his words consist of "you should have... ."  Not "I".  Not "we".  If there is blame, it's for me. 

   

I hope you can find something soon for yourself - I think that will help remove your availability for things like this, take away some of the ammunition she can try to hold over you, and get you out there with daily input from other people not her. 

That's what I'm thinking. The longer it takes, the more grinding at me. She makes it look like it's the way it is in that industry. I beg to digress. There are people like that, sure, but there are many many more people who are actually respectful of other people's thinking, processes, experiences, skill sets, etc... I think you're touching a nerve there. It's important to be surrounded with people who are normal in their ways. If she was not presenting so loudly, so sure of herself about the way things are, I see that I would actually love  to work more with her. But it's, ... for a lack of a better word, unsettling for me to hear her.

Kudos for you to have gotten past that and adapted to that!...    

[braveSun]

Well, today is the show and guess what?...   She's not going.     

I went to meet her yesterday, at her invitation, to go to the exhibit where her work will be shown (near her house) this evening. Yesterday afternoon she started dysregulating, trying to question me, and than attack me about how my life needs change, bla bla bla. We took a time off, than we had again a sweet time in the evening. This morning she was upset, decided to not go to the opening reception and insisted on driving me back home in the city. Her choices. She says she didn't sleep good, it's all because of me, I give her too much stress, bla bla bla.

Yeah.

I feel so sad. I thought I don't really know how I can continue being around her when she is going in that mind state. I did tell her that if she felt these negative feelings about me or my life, that it was not helping that she would dig into them and put negative judgements on me or on what I am doing or not doing. That I understood that it is a difficult situation, than I understood that she might be disappointed, and that adding these negative judgements only added more pain for her and for me to the whole situation.

It felt like I was alone there, sitting next to and talking to a person from another planet, who asks the questions and answers them all in the same breath. Who didn't even have a clue about who I am and what my reality is, yet she had these grand judgements about how I was inadequate with my own life and how I was the cause of her distress. She is really trying all she can to make all of this mess of dysregulation being because of me. Because of something I do wrong. She is totally convinced of that. I don't accept my faults. All of that speech rolls on and all I can do is to sit there and listen to that, or walk away.

Unbelievably hurtful and exhausting.

On the drive back I had these strong emotions welling up inside of me, like a whiplash of sorts, sort of like despair coming up. Along the negative judgements about me there were frustrated rants about my need to go back to my country if I can't get a job now, bla bla bla, because there I could get social services better than here. I heard these words coming up in my mind again, as soon as we were driving in the car and she did say something nice to me, as soon as I sensed that she was somewhat feeling better, now that I was going back to the city. Such a harsh experience to have from one's spouse, after all these years...

I could tell myself though, that these emotions are normal to have after being told such things, and that this is not about me, this is only about her own inability to find better ways to manage her own emotions.

That if she had not slept enough or good enough last night, that doesn't make me that much of a worst person. She could have done some of the things she knows to do in those moments. She could have taken care of herself better.

And she could also have expressed her frustration in a more mature way. Like shared her feelings for what they are, and not try to define me, not use nasty labels to make her feel better while putting me down, not make me responsible for everything difficult that happens to me. Certainly could have shared her sadness, but not reject me for it. Certainly could have appreciated the fact that she was tired and how this affects her judgements on things. Could have accepted that maybe it was better to aim for a more simple day, take a nap, and see how things are, comes the end of the afternoon.

She only wanted to reject the idea that she was too tired to talk about these things, and insist that I am not living in reality  because when I tell her that I don't want to talk about this stuff when she is tired, she counts that as an excuse  of my part to not want to talk about the real problem.

In truth, I don't even want to talk about my life with her. She has a point, it's not really about her or me being tired. But I could not bring myself to tell her it's because of her abusive ways that I am so slow in coming to terms with what I have to do. It's taking its toll on me, not only on the relationship. It's painful and exhausting.

Maybe there is no need to talk about these things actually.

I miss her in a 'non's way' so much now... I miss talking with her about the difficulties I have in my life, the stuff that makes me  upset, the things I don't know what to do about, the real life stuff real partners share with each other and try together to find solutions for.

I thought I knew she misses that too. But now I'm not sure she misses that same experience. I think she only misses what she can grasp. Maybe she only misses the times when I didn't depend on her, and my own stressors where not affecting her so  directly. Only now she has to attack me, and than none of any sharing is going to happen in the end. So sad...

I'm sorry, I have to unload.   

I know there are communication tools I can learn to use better. Sometimes, like right now, it's just overwhelming.

[Radcliff]

braveSun, I am so sorry to hear about the rough couple of days, and in particular the fact that she didn't go to the exhibit.  You worked so hard to help her with that. It must have been so disappointing.  I imagine you were looking forward to being there with her, and it would have been such a nice thing if she could have thanked you for your part in making it a good exhibit for her.

Sure there are tools.  But sometimes it is all just so sad and discouraging.  Take your time with those feelings.  It is OK to feel them.  Listen to yourself.

How can you be nice to yourself, take care of yourself, in the next day or two?

WW

[braveSun]

Thank you WW for your kind words. It has been a difficult patch for sure, and still is. I had to let something go. These moments do bring in us the desire to have a 'normal life', and that in turn brings extra sensitivities to the foreground.

Big picture. I didn't expect too much from the exhibit reception, nor too much validation from her for my work. She did say she liked it, but wanted some changes passed the deadline, and so it didn't manifest the way she wanted. Therefore, she is convinced I didn't do my job. She has done similar things with work we did together in the past. By-passing a deadline, or expecting me to do some type of work I had a boundary on. It's not necessarily new, even though both her and I had hopes (a little!) this time.

She also had to tell her closed friends that she didn't go in the end, and tell them why. She told me it's because of me, I bring too much stress to her with my life and that's why she couldn't get good sleep enough to be up to go. I'm not sure what she told them but I can imagine a bit. I'm sure it's hard on her friends to hear things like she tells me, if it's what she tells them.

I have to let it go.


My inner critique was triggered and going strong in the last two days.

I did, do some good things to take care of myself. Like got some foods I like, did laundry and cleaned up my room the way I love it to be, did a few (guided and solo) meditations to help me ground myself back into the body. Took some walks. Physical stuff.   

Journaling and affirmations, I do as a routine as well.

[Radcliff]

Hey there, braveSun, it's been a couple of days.  Still taking good care of yourself?  Any plans for the weekend?

WW

[braveSun]

Hey WW, thanks for the follow up!...  

I did, take good care of myself this week. Got a lot done. My current roommate is preparing to leave this coming month. I have to take care of this transition, and right now is a good time of the year to find a long term solution. So I have been busy with that.

On the creative side, I have been more focused as well. It's interesting how the experience of one thing can affect my energy levels and affect positively other aspects of my life as well. I found a tiny possibility to do more on my own long term ongoing project, which had been stalled in the recent months. Made small decisions and I am now good to go for another round of explorations. It's a work in development still, but it's always encouraging when something opens up. Small steps do add up.  

The roommate switching momentum has been a bit stressful at times, and no doubts that adds to the stress between my spouse and myself. We have been sort of going silent with each other since almost a week now. I had to call her this morning to check on her. She can have health crisis, so I kind of need to know she's OK.  

In the meantime, it's interesting because while I'm working on mindfulness meditation and breathing exercises more, I notice I feel that I do have a bit more of a sense of control when I don't have too many interactions with her. I feel calmer and my self-confidence is more steady. I've tried to let the inner critique do it's thing a bit, than decide to just move on doing something   on my various projects. I have a few of them going simultaneously right now, and I find I have more energy if I juggle more than one in any given day. Naturally there are delays on everything since I have to deal with people and things outside of my control, so yes, having a few (not too many !... ) of them to fall back on is working better for me.

Than there's a strange revelation phenomenon . As if I am sort of rediscovering who I am, kind of. The bits of silence between us here and there have helped me to see that I am not so incompetent as I do feel sometimes. That I tend to let her influence my judgements too much. Possibly because she believes her judgements to be so absolute?...
A blessing in disguise...

But, but, but... .I also have my own (long term) creative project unblocking a bit, and I must say, if I take that out of the equation, the engine would not have that much steam for sure...  


  

[Radcliff]

Glad to hear that you are doing well!  Yes, having some space from being criticized can be a good thing!  I'll find my inner critic revs up to take the place of the outside criticism, then that quiets down, and I do start to feel like maybe I'm actually good at a few things

WW

[braveSun]

and I do start to feel like maybe I'm actually good at a few things

Yes you are, WW. I so agree!... We all are.