She called me today just to see how things are and to catch up.

[Struggler123]

Is just tell her If I was in your shoes “ look (insert name here), you are a grown woman and only you know what’s best for you.Im the last person you should be asking given I’m your ex bf.Do what your heart wants to do , just make sure whatever path you chose ,you need to live with the outcome good or bad.Thats what I would say .

Thanks shawn, after my conversation with her today, it reminded me of what you said, and the truth is I need to let go. I don’t want to live with the guilt of being involved and ruining whatever this arrangement is. She is a grown woman, and she should make her own decisions. I told her to discuss it with herself and do what she wants to do, I think its all impusles and im sure by tomorrow morning she will be back to her fiance (or suppose to be fiance). I don’t want to be the one thats held accountable, because seeing how our relationship turned out, I don’t want to lose myself again. I’m really glad you were able to give me the support I needed and im going to stop picking up her calls little by little as I know that its not about me. Its about doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is.

[Shawnlam]

Thanks shawn, after my conversation with her today, it reminded me of what you said, and the truth is I need to let go. I don’t want to live with the guilt of being involved and ruining whatever this arrangement is. She is a grown woman, and she should make her own decisions. I told her to discuss it with herself and do what she wants to do, I think its all impusles and im sure by tomorrow morning she will be back to her fiance (or suppose to be fiance). I don’t want to be the one thats held accountable, because seeing how our relationship turned out, I don’t want to lose myself again. I’m really glad you were able to give me the support I needed and im going to stop picking up her calls little by little as I know that its not about me. Its about doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is.

It’s tuff trust me to let go I myself have been lucky in my bad times .I found out yesterday that my exGF number is no longer active .Shes had that cell phone for years so go knows what’s happened in the last month for her to cancel or change nunbers(god knows it wasn’t me I haven’t texted or called her ).Also found out that she looks like death itself from the people I used to work with ,always hung over and white as a sheet.Now I know this sounds stupid but I felt terrible hearing how she feels (even though I shouldn’t because it sure isn’t my fault).Yesterday I send her an email from work asking her if everything was on and if she is doing well.No answer of course but I’m sure you get my point about the whole letting go thing.I don’t think their best interests are any of our business but sadly when you love someone’s all you want is for them to be better and happy.In selfish ways we want that with us included of course but I’m starting to realize that people with BPD (untreated) won’t and can’t be happy .Ive also come to terms that it’s not our fault either that they are like this so once one reaches out ,upon no response,just move on I guess is the best thing for everyone.In your case her happiness isn’t your responsibility and I think it’s very unfair if not out right manipulation to put that on you.You are in a no win situation and remember SHE put this on you! Her marriage ends at a later date “ your fault because you didn’t take her”.You take her back and get married and inevitably it won’t work out because she’s broken “again your fault “ because she could have married the other guy .Anyone who actually “true loves” someone , would never ever put their loved one in that position. Obviously the people on this site just want the best outcome and most are watching your story shaking our heads knowing what she’s doing and the inevitable outcome and it’s not right.

[Harley Quinn]

I often wonder this when I read posts from people about BPD exes who are in new r/s's and out of curiosity I'm going to ask. 

If you can for a moment, put the whole current situation aside and imagine that you never met this woman.  Go back in time to a time when she wasn't in your life.  You know yourself, know your values, moral code etc.  Things you have distaste for, what you approve of, your general attitude towards appropriate behaviour on either party's part.  Got that picture of yourself in your mind? 

Ask yourself this.  At that point in your life, would you ever entertain even loosely engaging in conversations about your r/s/future with a recent ex who was engaged to another person?  Would you ever be comfortable to be placed on the sidelines of another man's r/s with a woman you'd once been involved with?  If the answer is no, what would you do about being led towards that by this woman?

I'm interested as you're not the only person on the site who is in a situation like this and I'm wondering if you feel like you're doing anything differently to your 'norm' in your estimation.  I know I stepped way way outside of my own 'norms' on too many occasions and it fascinates me how we find ourselves in these positions.

Love and light x

[Struggler123]

I often wonder this when I read posts from people about BPD exes who are in new r/s's and out of curiosity I'm going to ask. 

If you can for a moment, put the whole current situation aside and imagine that you never met this woman.  Go back in time to a time when she wasn't in your life.  You know yourself, know your values, moral code etc.  Things you have distaste for, what you approve of, your general attitude towards appropriate behaviour on either party's part.  Got that picture of yourself in your mind? 

Ask yourself this.  At that point in your life, would you ever entertain even loosely engaging in conversations about your r/s/future with a recent ex who was engaged to another person?  Would you ever be comfortable to be placed on the sidelines of another man's r/s with a woman you'd once been involved with?  If the answer is no, what would you do about being led towards that by this woman?

I'm interested as you're not the only person on the site who is in a situation like this and I'm wondering if you feel like you're doing anything differently to your 'norm' in your estimation.  I know I stepped way way outside of my own 'norms' on too many occasions and it fascinates me how we find ourselves in these positions.

Love and light x

Good afternoon Hailey,

I read your post, and that’s something I wondered for a long time. My values, and things I was not okay with went out the window when it came to my ex. When I thought of the picture of when I was prior, and if an engaged ex contacted me I would be like stop talking to me, and there would be no ifs and buts. I would never want that to happen to me, so I would never do that in someone elses relationship. I was actually thinking about this the other day, I remember thinking to myself, that I became a different person when it came to her because I felt I could never do better than her and now I realize that my self esteem should not have been that low. After a long time, I actually feel good about my decision to not marry her. But, one thing I can say is that I will never let anyone bring me down in a relationship again, and its only when we realize that people make their own decisions, outside influence holds no bearing. I suppose I needed that last straw to tell me like hey bud you need to move on, and not for her but for yourself because you deserve better.

[Harley Quinn]

I will never let anyone bring me down in a relationship again, and its only when we realize that people make their own decisions, outside influence holds no bearing. I suppose I needed that last straw to tell me like hey bud you need to move on, and not for her but for yourself because you deserve better.

That's right, it has to be for you.    You deserve to be emotionally healthy and in turn attract emotionally healthy people into your life so that you can have relationships that are built on the values you both bring into them and encompass mutual understanding, respect, give and take, appreciation, trust, loyalty... .  It seems to me that when we let go of our values and begin to lose ourselves in the r/s, that needs to be our biggest red flag to tell us that we are wandering into dangerous territory for ourselves.  Funny how we don't seem to notice that at the time, or else we do but we don't want to acknowledge it.

Good on you for thinking about this.  What do you plan to do now?

Love and light x 

 

[Struggler123]

That's right, it has to be for you.    You deserve to be emotionally healthy and in turn attract emotionally healthy people into your life so that you can have relationships that are built on the values you both bring into them and encompass mutual understanding, respect, give and take, appreciation, trust, loyalty... . It seems to me that when we let go of our values and begin to lose ourselves in the r/s, that needs to be our biggest red flag to tell us that we are wandering into dangerous territory for ourselves.  Funny how we don't seem to notice that at the time, or else we do but we don't want to acknowledge it.

Good on you for thinking about this.  What do you plan to do now?

Love and light x  

  

It’s because at the time we are so caught up in making the relationship work. We feel like we can somehow make it work in the depths of hell. I know I am the kind of person that has that nature that if I want to do something, I am stubborn about it and I will not stop until I complete it. I suppose with my ex, I thought I could “fix everything.” I thought that all I needed to do was give her everything and it would work out, but no relationship can be one sided. We close our eyes to the things we don’t want to see and thats the issue. Thats why they always say when its good its going great and when its bad its all hell breaks loose.  Honestly, I kind of  feel a bit free, I remember her calling me and telling me shes thinking of breaking it off because shes confused about us and I didn’t have a good feeling inside because I knew that ultimately I would be blamed, but now that I’m assuming everything is cleared up and pictures are being uploaded. I can concentrate on myself and step away from the limelight. I’m an introvert so I find solace in little things, I like to recharge myself by exercising, and I can finally give it my all for my boards without feeling guilty. I think I’ll be stepping away from serious relationships for some time, and just concentrating on making myself more independent. If she calls, it will just go straight to voicemail and if severe measures need to be taken, I will change my number.

[Harley Quinn]

All good things Struggler.   

It's great to hear the resolve in your words.  I fully agree that spending time on ourselves is wise before considering entering into anything new.  We landed at this point in our lives with good reason.  Skipping past the next part would seem a wasted opportunity to me. 

Good news is always welcome so keep us updated on how you're doing.

Love and light x 

[Shawnlam]

It’s because at the time we are so caught up in making the relationship work. We feel like we can somehow make it work in the depths of hell. I know I am the kind of person that has that nature that if I want to do something, I am stubborn about it and I will not stop until I complete it. I suppose with my ex, I thought I could “fix everything.” I thought that all I needed to do was give her everything and it would work out, but no relationship can be one sided. We close our eyes to the things we don’t want to see and thats the issue. Thats why they always say when its good its going great and when its bad its all hell breaks loose.  Honestly, I kind of  feel a bit free, I remember her calling me and telling me shes thinking of breaking it off because shes confused about us and I didn’t have a good feeling inside because I knew that ultimately I would be blamed, but now that I’m assuming everything is cleared up and pictures are being uploaded. I can concentrate on myself and step away from the limelight. I’m an introvert so I find solace in little things, I like to recharge myself by exercising, and I can finally give it my all for my boards without feeling guilty. I think I’ll be stepping away from serious relationships for some time, and just concentrating on making myself more independent. If she calls, it will just go straight to voicemail and if severe measures need to be taken, I will change my number.

You seem very centered now struggles ,good job stay strong!

[Struggler123]

You seem very centered now struggles ,good job stay strong!

Thank you Shawn, I needed a reality check and i’m glad you and the others on the forum were able to help me pick up the pieces.  I’m sure I will find my way, maybe not today but tomorrow’s another day. But, I can finally close this door.