How Do You Respond to Your Loved One With BPD When They're Idealizing?

[RJ2018]

Hello, all! This is my first post.

 So, I have a close family member who suffers from BPD, and when things are good between us, she frequently idealizes me (and others). It drives me nuts! But many times, I'll just say something like thank you, that's sweet, I'm glad I can be that for you, etc., but I'm wondering if there may be a better way to respond, especially so as to not indirectly encourage this behavior and emotional crutch. Words that are of course not harmful, uncaring, offensive, defensive, or dismissive but that will discourage the person from so often relying on this and thinking it's okay or healthy to help them feel better.

I've searched like crazy for an answer and suggestions to this question online but have oddly come up short. So with that said... .

Those who are loved ones who suffer from BPD or if you suffer from it yourself, any suggestions or experiences you wouldn't mind sharing would be appreciated. Thank you!

[once removed]

RJ2018!

people with BPD certainly are very expressive. help them through a dark time, give some good advice, and youre the greatest person in the world. and inevitably, at times, the worst 

somewhere in between is more comfortable, i know 

so, can you tell us more? what kinds of things does she say? that might tell us more about possible responses.

[Kwamina]

Hi RJ2018

I'd like to join once removed in welcoming you to our online community.

You have a family member who suffers from BPD. You mention the idealizing, which indeed can be quite difficult to handle, especially when you've also experienced the other side of this coin. What are the other BPD traits you see in her?

You say that when things are good, she tends to idealize you. Would you say things are often good between the two of you, how would you generally describe your relationship with this particular family-member? How often do you see or talk to this family-member?

The Board Parrot

[RJ2018]

Hello, once removed and Kwamina!

I apologize for the delay, as I hadn't realized until now that anyone had responded to my post,

But thank you for both of your thoughtful responses and warm welcome. I would definitely like to go into and discuss this topic further and look forward to any suggestions you may have in the future, but unfortunately this loved one -- in fact, my mom -- has again put me in the "devalued" category due to a certain series of events from the past several days.

So right now, I'm trying to work through that and browsing on here for support regarding dealing in general with loved ones who suffer from BPD.

 That said, I definitely will revisit this topic in the future. Thank you again! And I'm sure I'll see you on other threads.

[Turkish]

Can you tell us what happened for her to devalue you?

Responses in good times don't nearly dictate responses in bad times when a pwBPD (person with BPD) emotionally dysregulates which may or may not have anything to do with you. 

[RJ2018]

Can you tell us what happened for her to devalue you?

Responses in good times don't nearly dictate responses in bad times when a pwBPD (person with BPD) emotionally dysregulates which may or may not have anything to do with you.  

Yes, Turkish, of course it's always something. But in this case, she moved several months ago to another state in looking for greater peace and happiness than she'd been getting and feeling here (living closer to my brother and I). That ended up not working out, largely due to the same types of various issues she faced with people and situations while she was here, and so now she's moving back. I've agreed to help her move back, but to make a long story short, she was becoming more and more bothered by my "tone" of stress and lack of enthusiasm regarding this happening and her return, plus certain aspects of the move that she preferred to go a certain way and so when it wasn't (plus my "tone" about all of it), she sails to the extreme and just says nevermind, that she doesn't need me and will do it all on her own (of course not meaning it). Then when I didn't respond to that the way she wanted (just saying "OK, if that's what you want to do.", she loses it even more... and for most of the 48 hours since, it's become a greater, escalating barrage of ultimatums, insults, and threats (even of the suicidal type, which she's also stated many times before). She texts a bunch of craziness and calls several times back-to-back, I don't respond, pick up, or call back right away, and it just makes everything worse and feel like the end of the world, and so she keeps throwing more and more darts -- any and everything -- to see what might stick... .what I'll finally respond to or she may get her way with, not realizing that with all of this, she is accomplishing the very opposite. She even ended one of her text messages yesterday with "Happy Dead Father's Day!" (both my father and hers passed away long ago... so it's unclear of who exactly she was talking about or if she meant both... but either way... .:-| )

And specifically regarding the devaluing, even though for the past four months while she was in the other state and we got along the most consistently than we have in many years' past, she constantly went out of her way to say how kind, loving, giving, helpful, supportive, and just all-around great of a daughter I am and have been, I'm now suddenly -- both directly and indirectly -- a cold, unhelpful, ungrateful, money-focused, disrespectful child just leaving her out to dry in her "greatest time" of need, even in spite of all that she's done for me and my brother throughout our lives. So, yep. 'Tis my life. Just when I finished complaining about the extreme "good"... .Lol... Spoke too soon.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi RJ2018, 

I found a link that talks about idealization and mirroring. Perhaps you'll find some understanding from the posts listed here How is Mirroring different from Idelization?

So glad to have you here sharing with us!

Wools