Does my mother have BPD?

[dalmatian]

Hi everyone!

I've recently been in a a bit of a bad place, which has lead me to thinking a lot about my mother and our (sometimes difficult) relationship. I've been re-evaluating many moments of my childhood, telling me many things were actually not my fault and considering the idea that she might even be mentally ill. Unfortunately it'll be a few more months until I can actually see a therapist about it, but I have read a lot about BPD now and many things seem to fit so well, so I thought I'd share some of my experiences here and see what you guys think. I know this forum can't replace therapy or reliably diagnose anyone, but maybe you can help me to get an idea about this whole thing, because at this point I'm just trying to understand.

First of all I want to make clear, I don't hate my mother, she's a very wonderful person most of the time, but I have finally accepted that some of her behaviour wasn't/isn't normal and has really, really hurt me. I'm hoping I can finally learn more about why our relationship is the way it is and eventually start to heal.

I think what has been most difficult on me and my mom's relationship are the many times when she would get angry over something I had done wrong. Those could be very small things or things that didn't even seem wrong to me, but her mood could change instantly and she would yell and say some very hurtful things to me. She'd never apologise and I could never talk about how I felt because that would just trigger another argument. Usually, during her outbursts, I would feel very guilty cause clearly I had made her this upset and not defend myself at all. Partly because defending myself would only make it worse and partly because there was this part of me that firmly believed everything my mother said and I had no reason to defend myself. Usually, I would just stand there trying my best not to cry because that, too, would just make her more angry. The next day, she would wake me up in the morning as usual, smiling, like that fight had never even happened.

Her anger outbursts were probably the clearest sign that something was wrong (although I didn't even recognise that as wrong), but there were many sublte ways in which she would influence me or make me feel bad/guilty. Very often, she wouldn't directly say what she expected of me or what she didn't want me to do. She was always very concerned that someone would think of her as a bad mother (because of course, she was not) so she'd worringly ask if I told my friends or anyone about our fights and let show how very content she was when I said I hadn't. Sometimes she complains that I don't share some of her hobbies or interests, always just in a small sentence, but when I try to tell her that this or some other things she says make me feel uncomfortable, she reacs very agressively, demanding how I could talk to her like this and I should just ignore those sentences.

It's like she always cared more about being a good mother than about my wellbeing. When I'm ill or something is wrong she's always more concerned that somehow it could be her fault than about how I feel. When I come home with a doctor's diagnosis, sentences like "oh, I'm relieved it's not because I did/didn't do XX" are much more common than "Oh, I'm relieved it's just a minor, easily treatable thing".

Despite all this, she turns to me a lot for comfort and validation. In some rare moments she lets me see how vulnerable she is and needs me to comfort her and tell her how things are not at all her fault. Sometime when she had a fight with someone else, and sometimes when it's about me. One time when I was about 15, she burst into my room, crying and hugging me and admitting to me how incredibly scared she was that I might hate her for certain things she did (again, not how it could have affected me, it was all about her). She also likes to cuddle a lot, even still now (I'm 22). Either on the sofa while watching TV, or when she goes to bed she asks me to join her for a bit to cuddle. There was a time when I tried to stop or at least reduce that, but she would complain until I gave in. The only boundaries I've managed to establish are no putting her hand under my clothes anymore (she doesn't mean in a sexual way, she just can't see how it could make me as a grown woman feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't even see me as a grown woman with my own needs at all) and no holding hands in public, unless we're on holiday and people don't know us. It took me a very long time to figure out that those things might not be normal.

Recently, she's become very insecure about whether or not she was/is a good mother to me. But she doesn't actually want to know, she just needs me to reassure her that yes of course everything was fine. A few years ago, my aunt had her first child and, in my eyes, is a very good mother. But my mom keeps criticising everything she does (not in front of her, but telling me) and saying how she did it all better.

I don't see my mom as a bad person despite all that, she has actually done a lot for me and I love her very much. Still, it is sometimes very stressfull for me to be around her and I don't feel like I can really be myself around her and talk to her about everything, and I feel like certain things need to change so I can get a bit more of a healthy distance/independance from her.

Sorry for the very long post and using you all as my replacement therapist. All those things have been on my mind a lot recently and I needed to let it out somewhere, even if it is to strangers on the internet.
So please, tell me what you think, could it be BPD? I've read so many BPD-mother stories that are a lot worse than mine, and very often I do get along with my mother, so I'm not sure. Also every story is unique so it's hard for me to tell if it's the same with my story. But something is definitely wrong and it's kinda been wearing me out... .So any kind of help is very welcome

[Turkish]

Hi dalmatian,



I'm glad that you are reaching out for support. 

To start, we have a feature article which might help: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

BPD or not,  you've described behaviors which make you uncomfortable, especially those me intimate,  even if you don't judge them sexual. Even if not,  everyone has a right to assert healthy personal body boundaries.  I love my daughter to pieces,  she's 6, but if she says "put me down!" I do because I respect her right to feel how she feels.  A pwBPD (person with BPD) often has trouble with interpersonal boundaries both physical and emotional.  It's often the case that we will sacrifice or boundaries on order to keep the peace or make that person in our lives feel more comfortable.

If they're more comfortable,  then we are more comfortable. It's how we cope, but there is an underlying dysfunction here: we aren't responsible for their feelings.  This can be logically realized,  but emotionally it may be harder to do so.  Given the other things you wrote about,  it sounds like your mother looks to you for personal validation that she had trouble doing with herself,  yes?

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Hi Dalmatian
 
You do list many symptoms that would map to BPD. But note your Therapist would not be able to diagnose by proxy either, but they and we can give an oppinion. Because BPD assume there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, the problem is always you, so they hardly ever go for a diagnosis. Even if they were diagnosed, they tend to reject it or tell people its bipolar or something more palatable. That said, whats more relevant is the fact the behaviour your mother displays is not healthy for you and there are many other examples of that type of behaviour on this forum. Also, much of the advice on here is to address the behaviour, rather than the BPD label. And your mother does display BPD like behaviour.

For example, boundaries. If you are uncomfortable with your mother putting her hand up your cloths (as most people would) you were quiet right to assert firmer boundaries on this. Most mothers would not do that, or at least stop after being asked only once. Someone with BPD often sees their children as an extension of themselves. Partly due to their lack of empathy, as they are focused only on what they themselves want. Hence why they can have very poor physical boundaries.
Your point about wanting to be assured of being a great mother. They are on the borderline of fantasy thinking (that they are the worlds best everything) and having an inkling of the truth (e.g. people will not approve of their derisory nagging) hence why the need for reassurance, to shore up their fantasy thinking. They will get angry if you say anything that does not match that fantasy thinking, such as it being their fault.

Someone with BPD and of your mothers age, is highly unlikely to change, but their behaviour can be quiet damaging to our mental health. So regadless of diagnosis, what things are you looking to work on with your Therapist ?

[dalmatian]

Hi Turkish and HappyChappy! Thanks a lot to both of you 

I'm still new to all this, so thanks a lot for your help and understanding! The things you said resonate with me and I'm glad I might finally find some answers. You're right, it's okay if I don't find that one specific label for her, but I can still learn to deal with her difficult behaviours.

(... .)It's often the case that we will sacrifice or boundaries on order to keep the peace or make that person in our lives feel more comfortable.

If they're more comfortable,  then we are more comfortable. It's how we cope, but there is an underlying dysfunction here: we aren't responsible for their feelings.  This can be logically realized,  but emotionally it may be harder to do so.  Given the other things you wrote about,  it sounds like your mother looks to you for personal validation that she had trouble doing with herself,  yes?

I definitely feel like I do this a lot. I just stay silent or do what she wants to avoid a bad situation, even if I'm uncomfortable. The few times that I actually tried to tell her how I feel, she was not understanding at all and just kept pointing out how she felt about it. It has gotten to the point where I have difficulties standing up for myself in many situations, even if my mother isn't around or has nothing to do with it.

Regarding your question, growing up I always saw my mother as a very strong person without any flaws. It was always me who was wrong and flawed. It was all part of my recent "childhood re-evaluation" when I finally realised that this was an image she constructed so that I would see exactly that and love her for that. I think sometimes she even feels threatened by me, now that I'm older and better at some things than she is and she will put me down for it instead of encouraging me. She doesn't intend to hurt me, she just can't see that she does it because she is too focused on not being seen as lacking in anything.
She is always very happy when I agree with her opinions and ideas (also about myself) and can't really accept when I have a different view on something. So yes, I do feel like she looks to me for validation, much more than to my dad or any other person (I'm an only child btw, so there is always only me she leans on).

Someone with BPD and of your mothers age, is highly unlikely to change, but their behaviour can be quiet damaging to our mental health. So regadless of diagnosis, what things are you looking to work on with your Therapist ?

There are a few things that I'd like to change... .First of all, it's our relationship in general. I do love her, but that makes it so hard to cope whenever she gets angry. I don't even live at home anymore but I always have mixed feelings whenever I go home for the weekend, because I'm in that constant mindset of "what does she want? what does she expect of me without saying it? What of those things that I want to say or do could possibly trigger a bad reaction in her?". And when she does get mad I feel like a five year old again, and all resolutions to not be so affected by her outbursts have completely vanished.
Also, I notice some unhealthy behaviour in myself. I do crave a lot of validation constantly, mostly from her, but also from other people in life (people I look up to mostly, which is many people because I have very low self-esteem). I'm terrified of doing things wrong or not meeting other people's expectations and, as I mentionned before, I can't defend myself in any arguments.
I think it would help me a lot to finally understand just what went wrong in my childhood and understand why my mother acts the way she does, so that I can move on.

[HappyChappy]

Also, I notice some unhealthy behaviour in myself. I do crave a lot of validation constantly, mostly from her, but also from other people in life (people I look up to mostly, which is many people because I have very low self-esteem).

Hey Dalmatian,

Nice bit of introspection. I would say most people with a BPD upbringing have the same issues, I know I do/did. But most importantly, this is false self esteem, placed there artificially by BPD manipulation. So unhelpful and creating lots of unhealthy symptoms. What sorts of things are you doing to build that back up, other than hanging out with others in this forum (because lets face it we are awesome ) ?  

[dalmatian]

What sorts of things are you doing to build that back up, other than hanging out with others in this forum (because lets face it we are awesome ) ?  

Yes, you are 
I don't really have any strategies, I think being aware of it is the biggest part of it for me so far. The thing is, most people who meet me wouldn't even think that I have a low self-esteem, I can be quite outgoing and joke around a lot. There's usually just two situations where it shows. One, when I'm alone and people don't have time or cancel plans there's this part of me saying "it's because they all hate you, they secretly think you suck, no one actually wants to spend time with you". Very often I fear rejection so much, that I don't take the initiate to invite people over or ask them to hang out at all. So I'm working on telling myself that it's all not true, and I'm also working on getting over myself and invite people to do stuff with me. But that takes a lot of mental preparation and is almost always done via text while I'm at home in a "safe space". I'm far from just spontaneously asking people to go do something or to meet later that day.
The other time is when I get in an argument with just anyone and it gets only slightly personal. It's like my mind goes blank and all my self-esteem is gone just like that. Most of the time I just don't say anything anymore, sometimes (to my great shame) I panic so much that I get very defensive or even agressive in order to not show how hard it actually hits me. So my only strategy there is to avoid conflict at all costs, which is not a very good one, admittedly. So if you have any tips, please tell me! I really don't know how to get over this :/

[Panda39]

I was in a marriage where I lost who I was and I had issues with self esteem and social anxiety. Fear was a real issue for me when I left my marriage.  What I did was just gradually started going out to do things with people.  Lunch with one friend, happy hour with some co-workers, chick flick night with girlfriends, dinner with several friends and their spouses, and finally to a party where I knew only one person. I did this for a year.  For a year I just kept pushing my comfort zone, pushing through the fear and getting more and more confident with each social encounter.

I'm an introverted person so social situations are still difficult... .they suck energy, but in spite of that I always end up going and having fun.  

I suggest pushing your comfort zone... .invite a friend out to lunch (just one person), invite a few girlfriends out to see a chick flick... .just keep pushing through the fear and you will start to see who your friends are, who's reliable, and start building some confidence.  Always keep in the back of your mind that these people have lives... .jobs... .kids... .relationships... .hobbies... .and need downtime so they won't always be available.  If you get turned down for a lunch date, let them know your disappointed and ask if they have a time that works better for them.  They aren't rejecting you they are rejecting the date, the time, the activity (Like I suck at miniature golf... .can't get me to go! Nope!) whatever it is, it isn't personal.  Try and be aware of your feelings but also keep that logical part of your brain engaged... .be mindful.

More on Mindfulness... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

Take Care  
Panda39

[Harri]

Panda, those are some great suggestions on how to deal with the anxiety of social interactions!  Thank you for sharing that.  I like how you broke it up into small manageable steps.  Pushing the comfort zone is so hard for me.  I get overwhelmed looking at the big picture and forget that all I need to do is take one step.

 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Dalmatian, 

I want to join all my fellow members here and welcome you too! I'm really glad you reached out for help and support. You'll definitely find that here.

After reading your posts, I thought I would share this book with you that has been so helpful to me: Surviving a Borderline Parent. We have many other books that are also excellent, but this one in particular has helped me to sort out some of the things that I didn't realize were a part of having grown up with an uBPDm. There are also a lot of self help questions that you can do yourself or work through with a T.

What did you do to be kind to yourself today?


Wools

[HappyChappy]

The thing is, most people who meet me wouldn't even think that I have a low self-esteem, I can be quite outgoing and joke around a lot.

Same here, in fact even I didnt realise I had low self esteem until my T pointed it out (after I paid her). But I misunderstood confidence with self esteem. The latter is about  how we value ourselves in part.

Most of the time I just don't say anything anymore, sometimes (to my great shame) I panic so much that I get very defensive or even agressive in order to not show how hard it actually hits me. So my only strategy there is to avoid conflict at all costs, which is not a very good one, admittedly. So if you have any tips, please tell me! I really don't know how to get over this :/

A BPD is always up for conflict, always criticising us. So its natural you would become hypersensitive (as many of us on her were/are). Avoidant of conflict. But in reality most people aren't BPD, so don't do that. Could working on that base belief help ? Do you think building self esteem, so you can discount false criticism (such as the rubbish BPD dish out) help ? Deflect it like a super hero ? Does any of that sound helpful ? 

[RJ2018]

Hey! Thank you for sharing all that you did regarding your experiences with your mom that you suspect may have BPD, and everyone before me has provided some very good guidance and suggestions. I am also an adult child of a mother who is undiagnosed but I am almost certain suffers from the condition as well. That said, a lot of what you said resonated with me and I could see similarities with own mother, but one excerpt of your sharing that I wanted to point out because it sounded very similar to something I'd just read online a few days ago about borderline mothers, and I thought you might like to see it... .

It's like she always cared more about being a good mother than about my wellbeing. When I'm ill or something is wrong she's always more concerned that somehow it could be her fault than about how I feel. When I come home with a doctor's diagnosis, sentences like "oh, I'm relieved it's not because I did/didn't do XX" are much more common than "Oh, I'm relieved it's just a minor, easily treatable thing".

It's from the article "The Borderline Mother," at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother:

"Children of alcoholics or child abusers often loathe their parent but they do not feel guilty or shameful about it. Children of narcissists often feel loathing towards their parent but there is no guilt attached because the narcissistic parent is indifferent to the attachment with the child as they are too self-preoccupied. The borderline parent compels the child to be more nurturing towards them by portraying themselves as good parents who are dealing with an ungrateful child. These feelings of guilt and shame are unique to the loathing of the children of borderlines.

Consider the following exchange.

Child: 'Mom I don’t feel well. I have a sore throat.'

Mother: 'Take some tea with honey.'

Child: 'I don’t like tea with honey it upsets my stomach.'

Mother: 'You ungrateful little ass.'

Upon first glance it appears that the child is asking the mother for help or nurturance, the mother attempts to provide it. So far so good. The problem is that if the offering is rejected, even for good reason, the sick child is now cast as a bad child for not taking advice that is unhelpful. Thus the child must either take the tea with honey and add an upset stomach to his/her malady, or be accused of being a bad child for not accepting the mother’s help, even though the help is misguided.

What went wrong here?

The problem is the help is not being offered for truly altruistic reasons, but rather it is being offered to support the mother’s desired image of being a good mother. When this is rejected, the mother becomes enraged and attacks the sick child. The child suffers not only the original malady but also the sense of being a bad child and hence the shame and/or guilt. This quickly inhibits the child from asking the parent for help with anything, as the help makes them feel worse. What does an exchange sound like with a truly nurturing mother?

Child: 'Mom I don’t feel well. I have a sore throat.'

Mother: 'Take some tea with honey.'

Child: 'I don’t like tea with honey it upsets my stomach.'

Mother: 'How about some soup?'

Child: 'Thanks mom.'

Mother: 'I wish I could be more helpful.'

Child: 'I appreciate that.'"


And another excerpt:

"To the Borderline Mother, You are the Problem:

Consider the following exchange.

Mother: 'I really think that Senator X is doing a great job. I will vote for her for reelection. How about you?'

Child: 'Actually I am not happy with the way Senator X voted in fiscal matters.'

Mother: 'You are a male chauvinist.'

This is a typical exchange for a borderline parent-child pairing. Here the mother is quickly enraged because the child does not agree with her. The political issue, while initiated by the parent is not really the issue. The issue is the need for agreement. Once again, the child is made to feel bad about him or herself. Perhaps the most illustrative is the following exchange.

Child: 'Mom, I cannot make it to dinner tonight, I don’t feel well.'

Mother: 'You don’t feel well? I am still suffering from the Cesarean Section they gave me so that you could be born.'

Borderline Mothers & Adult Children:

Over time, this toxic pattern of exchanges causes the child to be increasingly guarded with his or her mother. They no longer seek the help of the parent because the she is generally not helpful but rather causes more hurt in their efforts to respond. A normal person withdraws further and further from this persistent but disturbing relational style. At the same time the borderline parent, completely lacking insight, continues to act as though they are being loving and giving and expresses hurt and anger that the child does not seek out their counsel and company.

The child interacts out of obligation, but never to the extent that the parent wishes, and hence builds a sense of loathing over the course of the lifetime. This sense of loathing increases over time and hence is more intense as the child gets older. By one’s fifties or sixties, if the parent is still alive, they seek relief from a lifetime of emotional abuse.

In a successful therapy the child (often, now an adult) is able to see that their reaction and anger, is understandable, given the pattern of abuse and neglect that was disguised as caring. "


A lot of other good, insightful info. in that article, but those were the few I specifically wanted to share related to your experience.

[Turkish]

The issue is the need for agreement

Or validation, and this is a key to it all.  An adult can navigate the political questions, though harder for a PSI kid growing up told they don't matter.  A child is doesn't have the tools to deal with being called worthless, in so many words.  

As a parent, I often tell my kids what to do.  I'll never tell them what to do while communicating that they are deficient as people.  In other words, shaming them.  

[dalmatian]

Hello everyone,

first of all thank you all so much for all of your replies - and also I'm so, so sorry for my very late reply. University has been really busy lately (actually I think the stress was part of what brought back all those bad memories and current uncomfortable situations in the first place) and although I've read all your replies I've never found the time to answer all of you in detail. But I've decided to just take the time now because you've all really helped me and reading your replies always makes me feel so much better

I was in a marriage where I lost who I was and I had issues with self esteem and social anxiety. Fear was a real issue for me when I left my marriage.  What I did was just gradually started going out to do things with people.  Lunch with one friend, happy hour with some co-workers, chick flick night with girlfriends, dinner with several friends and their spouses, and finally to a party where I knew only one person. I did this for a year.  For a year I just kept pushing my comfort zone, pushing through the fear and getting more and more confident with each social encounter.

I'm an introverted person so social situations are still difficult... .they suck energy, but in spite of that I always end up going and having fun. 

I suggest pushing your comfort zone... .invite a friend out to lunch (just one person), invite a few girlfriends out to see a chick flick... .just keep pushing through the fear and you will start to see who your friends are, who's reliable, and start building some confidence.  Always keep in the back of your mind that these people have lives... .jobs... .kids... .relationships... .hobbies... .and need downtime so they won't always be available.  If you get turned down for a lunch date, let them know your disappointed and ask if they have a time that works better for them.  They aren't rejecting you they are rejecting the date, the time, the activity (Like I suck at miniature golf... .can't get me to go! Nope!) whatever it is, it isn't personal.  Try and be aware of your feelings but also keep that logical part of your brain engaged... .be mindful.

More on Mindfulness... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

Take Care 
Panda39

Hi Panda39!
Thank you for your advice! I'm sorry to hear about your marriage :/ But those tips are great! I'm normally okay with pushing my comfort zone a little, only when it comes to social interactions and engagements it's unusually difficult for me, and I end up giving really mixed signals about whether I do or don't like people and want to hang out with them (usually yes, but this fear of rejection... .).
That link is great, I haven't heard about Mindfulness before but it sounds like a really good thing to try and keep in mind for those situations. I'll definitely try to work with that and keep pushing myself to go out with people!

Hi Dalmatian, 

I want to join all my fellow members here and welcome you too! I'm really glad you reached out for help and support. You'll definitely find that here.

After reading your posts, I thought I would share this book with you that has been so helpful to me: Surviving a Borderline Parent. We have many other books that are also excellent, but this one in particular has helped me to sort out some of the things that I didn't realize were a part of having grown up with an uBPDm. There are also a lot of self help questions that you can do yourself or work through with a T.

What did you do to be kind to yourself today?


Wools

Hi Wools!
Thank you for your kind welcome
I read the description of the book and the excerpt that was provided and, wow, I can actually find myself relating to so many things! For some of them I wasn't even aware that it might be related to a borderline parent. I really want to read it now, I'll definitely order it (and find a hiding place for it the next time my mom's gonna come visit, cause she just loves going through my stuff... .)! Thank you so much for the suggestion!
"What did you do to be kind to yourself today?" - Good question, no easy answer   I guess taking a break from my uni work every once in a while? And not caring how many snacks I eat while working (which I don't do every day, just when I feel like I need it to cope with the stress), so not sure if it counts as "kind" but that's when I felt best today 

Same here, in fact even I didnt realise I had low self esteem until my T pointed it out (after I paid her). But I misunderstood confidence with self esteem. The latter is about  how we value ourselves in part.

Good point. Don't know why this example just pops into my mind, but people sometimes say how much they admire how easy it is for me to do presentations and speak in front of larger groups. Little do they know I probably value everyone in the room above myself.

A BPD is always up for conflict, always criticising us. So its natural you would become hypersensitive (as many of us on her were/are). Avoidant of conflict. But in reality most people aren't BPD, so don't do that. Could working on that base belief help ? Do you think building self esteem, so you can discount false criticism (such as the rubbish BPD dish out) help ? Deflect it like a super hero ? Does any of that sound helpful ? 

Anything is helpful, if only because it gets me thinking about myself and my intercation with other people  You're right, most people aren't BPD and it's hard to forget, cause even my mother would seem so normal most of the time and then things would change so quickly. The main problem here is probably still that people can hurt me even if they don't mean to because I'm rubbish at proper communication and won't let show how hurt I actually am. Self-esteem is definitely the key word here;  if I could have a little confidence in my point of view that would not immediately disappear even if people only as much as disagree with it, that would surely help with conflict situations. And maybe at one point, just deflect it all like the superhero I might become one day  For now, I need to keep telling myself over and over again why I am right and what I did was right even if someone else disagreed, long after that situation came up. It's still a long way to go I suppose... .

Hey! Thank you for sharing all that you did regarding your experiences with your mom that you suspect may have BPD, and everyone before me has provided some very good guidance and suggestions. I am also an adult child of a mother who is undiagnosed but I am almost certain suffers from the condition as well. That said, a lot of what you said resonated with me and I could see similarities with own mother, but one excerpt of your sharing that I wanted to point out because it sounded very similar to something I'd just read online a few days ago about borderline mothers, and I thought you might like to see it... .

It's from the article "The Borderline Mother," at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother:

Hi RJ!
I'm not going to quote your entire post as it was quite long, but I read it all and it was very interesting! The pattern definitely fits. Although my mom would probably not use that kind of language and come on that strong (well, most of the time), but it was exactly this pattern of not seeing me and just how things relate to her, even when it probably should have been about me. If I don't like tea with honey, I'd have to word it very carefully, like it was a great idea but unfortunately, because I'm lacking and weird I don't like it so I can't accept her offer. If she thinks Senator X is good, he is, and everyone who thinks differently is wrong. There have been many incidents where I didn't feel well at all or very uncomfortable and I was told to "just get over it" or to "stop exaggerating" if it didn't fit with her plans. Bringing up things that she did for me to make me feel guilty was something she did a lot actually.
I feel like I should mention that although these situations sound familiar, it wasn't always like that. There are also many times when  I was sick and she would take great care of me and get me anything I needed. In a way, it made the bad times even worse, as I always felt like it was my fault. But like the article says, I think everything was only fine as long as she could feel like a good mother.

The issue is the need for agreement
Or validation, and this is a key to it all.  An adult can navigate the political questions, though harder for a PSI kid growing up told they don't matter.  A child is doesn't have the tools to deal with being called worthless, in so many words. 

As a parent, I often tell my kids what to do.  I'll never tell them what to do while communicating that they are deficient as people.  In other words, shaming them. 

The need for validation is something that greatly formed my childhood, and in a way even my present self. Any action and decision is a good one if my mother agrees with it.
Thank you for your insight! I always love reading about functional families, it helps me understand better what went wrong in my case.

[Harri]

Hi Dalmation, it is good to have you back. 

I think focusing on Mindfulness that Panda linked here is a great idea.  It is such a great tool that can help us get comfortable with our emotions and change our responses to things that trigger anxiety, panic attacks, feelings of worthlessness, etc.  Practicing mindfulness daily, even for just a few minutes, can make a big difference.   I first started using it as a way to meditate and would use it while washing dishes, folding laundry, etc.  Just focusing on the act I was involved in, really getting into each step of whatever thing I was working on.  I am not good with other types of meditation, so this was/is a great fit for me.  Can you think of any ways you can incorporate mindfulness into your daily routines?  Eventually focusing on being okay with whatever you feel in the moment, accepting your feelings with no judgement, rather just observing them?

For now, I need to keep telling myself over and over again why I am right and what I did was right even if someone else disagreed, long after that situation came up. It's still a long way to go I suppose... .

Repetition is good.  Don't focus on the fact that you *have to do it long after the fact*.  No judgement, remember?    Just do it while accepting what is.  Not so easy I know, but you can do it.  Also, there is no time limit.  I don't see much value in focusing on how long you/we have to go.  I find it (the time thing) a very depressing rabbit hole to tumble into. 

it wasn't always like that. There are also many times when  I was sick and she would take great care of me and get me anything I needed. In a way, it made the bad times even worse, as I always felt like it was my fault. But like the article says, I think everything was only fine as long as she could feel like a good mother.

The good sprinkled in with the bad is so difficult to reconcile isn't it?  Intermittent reinforcement only strengthens our responses and hope that the good mother/ the good times will return.  On top of that, we will blame ourselves rather than the caretaker for *their* deficiencies as a means of survival and have since birth.  Everything adds up to a very strong conditioned response.  This is another area where mindfulness can help break these conditioned responses or control the more primitive survival instinct and patterns of thinking that keep us tied to dysfunctional beliefs, thoughts and actions.  (sorry if that went off from the article... .haven't read it yet!)

Have you seen this new thread started by Panda on self-esteem? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

[Gusty]

I agree with whoever said that neither you nor your therapist can diagnose by proxy, nor by guesswork. Doing so will actually narrow your view of your mother and all her actions, in the eyes of those who consider her BPD, suddenly become "symptoms" of a disorder.

Truth is, harming a person, and then, failing to apologize or refusing is a very pervasive trait in society. I think it is more prevalent in certain professions where liability is at stake. Many fear that apology will lead to their being blamed or faulted. The truth is that apologizing means taking responsibility for your actions, and your actions alone. It is the more mature thing to do, and in the working world, the more professional way to act. I am sad that your mother refuses to apologize.

Maybe focus on actions, yours and hers, and less on feelings themselves, as feelings change, they are fluid, they evolve. Actions, once done, stay glued in the past. They become facts. "Thanks for making dinner." The fact that someone made dinner isn't up for debate.