Yesterday I sent her an email; my anxiety popped back up

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I found out yesterday that my exGF number is no longer active .Shes had that cell phone for years so go knows what’s happened in the last month for her to cancel or change nunbers(god knows it wasn’t me I haven’t texted or called her ).Also found out that she looks like death itself from the people I used to work with ,always hung over and white as a sheet.Now I know this sounds stupid but I felt terrible hearing how she feels (even though I shouldn’t because it sure isn’t my fault).Yesterday I send her an email from work asking her if everything was on and if she is doing well.

Edit: Never mind she answered my email and gave me her new number so we spoke by email a bit  etc

[Shawnlam]

I found out yesterday that my exGF number is no longer active .Shes had that cell phone for years so go knows what’s happened in the last month for her to cancel or change nunbers(god knows it wasn’t me I haven’t texted or called her ).Also found out that she looks like death itself from the people I used to work with ,always hung over and white as a sheet.Now I know this sounds stupid but I felt terrible hearing how she feels (even though I shouldn’t because it sure isn’t my fault).Yesterday I send her an email from work asking her if everything was on and if she is doing well.

Edit: Never mind she answered my email and gave me her new number so we spoke by email a bit  etc

[Shawnlam]

Imagine a couple of exchanged emails and my anxiety popped right back.But it was a nice friendly message and i was happy she gave me her new number which means she didn’t write me off or anything made me happy today and now I’m in a good mood .Funny how even when love goes one way it still feels good to do it.It used to annoy me but not so much ,I just need to work on making sure my MIND doesn’t get attached to her anymore in a relationship way.Easier said than done but I’ll work on that with my therapist and myself.

[Shawnlam]

I was able to reach out and check on my ex without suggesting a meet up , I genuinely wanted to make sure she was doing ok and that’s it.Progress progress!

[Skip]

What did you guys talk about?

[Shawnlam]

What did you guys talk about?

How she was coping with her big move coming, how her kids were doing, how her work is going.She asked me how I was doing, had a mini discussion about her having heard somethings about me and she didn’t want to reach out to get hurt by what she heard ( people I know at her work may have spoken too loud on stuff we discussed like a date or two I went on).I think she may have taken this too personally so I cleared up the rumor train.She told me she changed numbers she had to get rid of some people in her past which frankly I commend her on that move probably best to flush the riff raff ( I didn’t dwell on that or say that I just thought it). She said she missed me ,same back but all in all went super well ,she gave me her new number, she told me she thought I wouldn’t of reached out so she didn’t think I would have wanted her new number so she apologized for that. Went well , I offered her my truck to help her move she was happy so she knows she has that option besides that all is good !

[Skip]

So is it your sense that because you went NC after your last lunch together and started dating that she didn't contact you?

You said earlier that she was sleeping with two other guys. Still think that?

Changing a phone number in this day and age is a big deal - do you think it was about you?

[Shawnlam]

So is it your sense that because you went NC after your last lunch together and started dating that she didn't contact you?

You said earlier that she was sleeping with two other guys. Still think that?

Changing a phone number in this day and age is a big deal - do you think it was about you?

I wouldn’t say that was 100% the reason she didn’t reach out but I have to believe what she said so I’ll go with it.She did sleep with her two ex’s garantied but I now today don’t really care , at the time it hurt for sure .I definitely don’t think she changed her number for me ,she wouldn’t of given me her new one if that was the case.Why she did expecially given today you can block almost everything who knows , not my issue to be honest,hopefully whatever was the cause it’s resolved .

[MyBPD_friend]

Changing a phone number in this day and age is a big deal - do you think it was about you?

I didn't post for a while. Yes Skip,  changing a phone number is a big deal. I  did that two months ago to my ex friend. I never heared from her and feel guilty to some degree.
My move was neccessary for my own well beeing. I wished I knew how she's doing, I still think of her.

[vale46]

I found out yesterday that my exGF number is no longer active .Shes had that cell phone for years so go knows what’s happened in the last month for her to cancel or change nunbers(god knows it wasn’t me I haven’t texted or called her ).Also found out that she looks like death... .

Yep, this also happened to me with my now ex. She had same number for years, then when everything went tits up, i discovered she was actually using her own personal number on sex sites for selling herself. Now its redirected to another number. Probably 'cause her phone rings constantly now the legs are open permanently and its getting too much. Her ex flatemate told me same as you, looked like death from the constant drinking and probably her body has taken a hammering from all the random guys she is banging. She doest eat well and has a skinny frame so chances are she will not last long. She's in a dangerous game of gangsters, drugs, sex and drink. As painful as it is to say it but i don't think her life will last few long. Thats the reality. She just changed into a completely different person, it was shocking to say the least.

If her excuse was 'She told me she changed numbers she had to get rid of some people in her past which frankly I commend her on that move probably best to flush the riff raff' as you say, then thats an alarm bell for me. Could have easily just blocked numbers. Takes all but 5 mins to do so. To change numbers is done for a very very good reason.

What do you hope to gain by regaining contact with her?

[Shawnlam]

Yep, this also happened to me with my now ex. She had same number for years, then when everything went tits up, i discovered she was actually using her own personal number on sex sites for selling herself. Now its redirected to another number. Probably 'cause her phone rings constantly now the legs are open permanently and its getting too much. Her ex flatemate told me same as you, looked like death from the constant drinking and probably her body has taken a hammering from all the random guys she is banging. She doest eat well and has a skinny frame so chances are she will not last long. She's in a dangerous game of gangsters, drugs, sex and drink. As painful as it is to say it but i don't think her life will last few long. Thats the reality. She just changed into a completely different person, it was shocking to say the least.

If her excuse was 'She told me she changed numbers she had to get rid of some people in her past which frankly I commend her on that move probably best to flush the riff raff' as you say, then thats an alarm bell for me. Could have easily just blocked numbers. Takes all but 5 mins to do so. To change numbers is done for a very very good reason.

What do you hope to gain by regaining contact with her?

In my case I don’t think it’s anywhere to that extreme that  she’s back to escorting  etc etc... .I believe she probably had a bad experience after me or a return of an undesirable suitor god knows it’s not my business.I reached out to see how she was doing out of concern and that’s about it really nothing more,nothing less.She texted me last Friday wishing me a happy Friday ,that’s about where we are at ,good enough for me.Not complicated ,not weird,not bad , all in all amicable.

[juju2]

Good to hear Shawn.  You have made a lot of progress.

Has therapy helped you.  What helps the most... .

Am in the inquiry of how to stop thinking of him.  I was doing pretty good until he got hospitalized for dehydration.  Five days ago.He is taking bad care of himself.
He stayed out in hot sun working long days, it was an issue we had, he would mistreat himself, used to cut himself, he actually cut of two fingers being neglectful during drinking days, w table saw... .

Anyway, he went into renal failure, he let himself get real bad, finally went to e.r., and they admitted him.  If he had not gone, who knows if he would have lived thru another day of his outside work.  Sorry i hijacked your thread!

[Shawnlam]

Good to hear Shawn.  You have made a lot of progress.

Has therapy helped you.  What helps the most... .

Am in the inquiry of how to stop thinking of him.  I was doing pretty good until he got hospitalized for dehydration.  Five days ago.He is taking bad care of himself.
He stayed out in hot sun working long days, it was an issue we had, he would mistreat himself, used to cut himself, he actually cut of two fingers being neglectful during drinking days, w table saw... .

Anyway, he went into renal failure, he let himself get real bad, finally went to e.r., and they admitted him.  If he had not gone, who knows if he would have lived thru another day of his outside work.  Sorry i hijacked your thread!

Hello!  It’s no problem about hijacking a thread! Therapy helps in a few ways .One of them is finding out our weaknesses which usual go hand in hand with our everyday issues including and especially issues with BPD relationships.A good therapists finds out why , how,and what to do when there is a problem.In my case I had a few issues and have been working on resolving them.The first move is to admit we have an issue then find out how it happened ,then use the tools at hand to fix it.It will help you dramatically to move forward for yourself .

[Skip]

I had a few issues and have been working on resolving them.The first move is to admit we have an issue... .

Looking back at this point, what do you feel they are?

[Shawnlam]

Looking back at this point, what do you feel they are?

In a nutshell without details :

1: impatience with difficult issues/people that don’t fit my mold of normal
2: hate feeling vulnerable /weak and when that does happen it triggers anger or retraction (varies from the cause /source).
3: seeing other people’s views when they are outside the spectrum of what society considers normal.Meaning in short If said persons emotionally or mental state is outside what society would consider normal , and hence their actions would follow suit,my brain defaults to the logical side and doesn’t get it or even cares to get it.

[CryWolf]

In a nutshell without details :

1: impatience with difficult issues/people that don’t fit my mold of normal
2: hate feeling vulnerable /weak and when that does happen it triggers anger or retraction (varies from the cause /source).
3: seeing other people’s views when they are outside the spectrum of what society considers normal.Meaning in short If said persons emotionally or mental state is outside what society would consider normal , and hence their actions would follow suit,my brain defaults to the logical side and doesn’t get it or even cares to get it.

Hey buddy,

I think these things are normal to go through. I have been going through a lot, as others do as well. We start to notice more about ourselves post breakup. We also become very emotional and full of questions.

1. Its okay to become impatient, you dealt with a lot with your ex. You are starting to care about what only concerns you and putting your needs/desires a priority

2. no one likes to feel vulnerable. coming out of a r/s with someone with BPD we gaurd ourselves. we took so much abuse/lies/manipulation that this becomes normal for us. we dont want to be hurt again.

3. everyone has their own problems, issues. you dont need to get it or want to fix it. just accept it and focus on yourself.

what do you think buddy?

I think you've shown a lot of progression since first joining and you are starting to accept and learn more about yourself and the dynamics of these relationships. You have helped me a lot in my own situation.