Hate having to lie to him

[WantToBeFree]

My uBPD H and I have had the "I want a divorce" discussion many many many times, and it always ends with him crying and begging for another chance, and me giving it to him.  Not because I want to, but he is very manipulative and is very good at playing the "poor me" hurt puppy dog.  Of all these times, I have NEVER been the one to approach him, he always confronts me.

Apparently, I wear my heart on my sleeve and he can tell the very minute I am wanting to leave again, and he confronts me.  Then he complains that he has to drag it out of me all the time, and that I am not trying because instead of coming to him with the things I am upset about, I hold them in and just want to leave instead of going to him to try to work things out (these are his words, if you've read any of my other posts, I have PLENTY of reasons to want to leave and no longer try to work things out).  He's never given me a chance to come to him, because he pounces on it the second he can feel the change in me again.

Anyway, he's doing it again right now.  I'm pretty much planning how I am going to tell him I want a divorce, and mean it this time and for things to be DONE, and I hope to do this in the next month or so.  He came to me yesterday and asks if we're doing well, and if we're in a good place.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel HORRIBLE for having to lie and say yes.  But if I say no, it'll bring on a two to three hour fight about it, and I'll be forced to either patch things up, or end things right then and there.  When we separated back in the fall, it was because we got into a big fight and he painted me into a corner and I said ok I'm done.  I know divorce will suck and it will hurt no matter what, but I am hoping that if I can do it on MY terms, when I am ready, and not when he forces me to say it, then maybe it could suck just a little less.

I know he has done things to me that are 10 X more awful than just lying about the status of our relationship so I shouldn't feel bad, but I am just not a person who can feel good or justified about being deceitful, even if there is good reason for it.  :)oes anyone else's spouse do this?  How do you handle it?  Just lie through your teeth until your're ready to take action?  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WantToBe,  I wouldn't get too stressed-out over it.  Due to their volatile temperaments, those w/BPD don't foster open communications so the Non, like you, often ends up in a No-Win situation: either tell an untruth or get dragged into a conflagration. 

Let me relate a quick story: I was so anxious living with my BPDxW that I couldn't sleep, because I was so frequently in a "fight or flight" mode.  Anyway, my doctor prescribed a sleeping aid.  When my W discovered that I was taking something to help me sleep, she flushed my Rx down the toilet.  I went back to see my Dr., who wrote me a new Rx and said, you have to lie to your W about your medication.  After that, I stored my Rx at my office and kept my W out of the loop concerning my prescription.

I guess what I'm saying: do what you have to do, even if it involves an untruth from time to time.  My doctor said it was OK to do it!

LuckyJim

[WantToBeFree]

Hey WantToBe,  I wouldn't get too stressed-out over it.  Due to their volatile temperaments, those w/BPD don't foster open communications so the Non, like you, often ends up in a No-Win situation: either tell an untruth or get dragged into a conflagration. 

Let me relate a quick story: I was so anxious living with my BPDxW that I couldn't sleep, because I was so frequently in a "fight or flight" mode.  Anyway, my doctor prescribed a sleeping aid.  When my W discovered that I was taking something to help me sleep, she flushed my Rx down the toilet.  I went back to see my Dr., who wrote me a new Rx and said, you have to lie to your W about your medication.  After that, I stored my Rx at my office and kept my W out of the loop concerning my prescription.

I guess what I'm saying: do what you have to do, even if it involves an untruth from time to time.  My doctor said it was OK to do it!

LuckyJim

Well if it's doctor approved... .  All kidding aside, thank you for sharing your story.  It helps to hear it.  I may not always remember that I am doing the right thing, so it helps to hear it from others who have been there.  Thank you!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear WantToBeFree -
I have followed your story a bit and responded on the other thread.  From my heart, if you would let go of the word ":)ivorce", perhaps you could clear your path of some painful debris and begin taking some steps.  That word seems really BIG and scary to you both.  I get it.  There is more to this than discussing "divorce", or having to keep some truths from him to keep yourself and your child safe.

Think about it?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[zachira]

I have never liked lying to people because basically I am an honest person, and do not like it when people lie to me. However, I have made some terrible mistakes in the past being truthful with unsafe people. Your husband is not a safe person to be honest with, and it is important to protect yourself. You might want to read "Splitting" which talks about divorcing borderlines and narcissists. What your husband may do to you when he finds out you really are going to divorce him this time could be life threatening or do some really long term damage, so it is important to protect yourself in any way you can.
Men often fare poorly after a divorce because they don't prepare themselves for it, despite years of glaring red flags. Women who most often initiate divorces, often do quite well once the divorce is finalized because they have spent years preparing for the divorce.
There are many people on this site who are/have been in situations similar to yours. Please let us know how you are doing and how we can help.

[mama-wolf]

I know I shouldn't, but I feel HORRIBLE for having to lie and say yes.  But if I say no, it'll bring on a two to three hour fight about it, and I'll be forced to either patch things up, or end things right then and there. 

I know divorce will suck and it will hurt no matter what, but I am hoping that if I can do it on MY terms, when I am ready, and not when he forces me to say it, then maybe it could suck just a little less.

I know he has done things to me that are 10 X more awful than just lying about the status of our relationship so I shouldn't feel bad, but I am just not a person who can feel good or justified about being deceitful, even if there is good reason for it.  Does anyone else's spouse do this?  How do you handle it?  Just lie through your teeth until your're ready to take action? 

I don't know if it's possible to relate more to what you have said about not feeling good for having to be deceitful.  I had to do it for months after I finally started to accept that I was going to end up divorcing my uBPDw.  I felt that I had to delay taking the steps until closer to summer for several reasons that I won't get into here.  Plus, thanks to my T and the members of this site, I knew I needed to figure out the right timing and make preparations if I really was going to try to extricate myself from the r/s. 

So, I continued in couples therapy because I still really wanted to improve how we were interacting with each other (especially as co-parents), but I also knew that if I backed out I would have to explain why.  And maintaining some kind of facade at home without being completely open about what I was thinking was a major strain on me.  It caused me significant anxiety, which my T helped me try to deal with as best I could--and that included deciding on a deadline for the process to actually start and making very specific plans to make it happen.

I second zachira's recommendation that you read Splitting.  It has some extremely good recommendations and highlights a lot of things that you should think about and prepare for if you are really ready to take the path to divorce.  Between the Family Law board on this site and the recommendations in that book, I was able to create a more concrete plan to move forward.

On a day-to-day basis with my uBPDw, I tried to keep my responses either as generic as possible, or answered as honestly as I could about very specific things.  For example, we went on a trip for her birthday while I was already on the divorce path.  Since she knew were were still trying to work through significant issues in couples therapy, I was able to set some expectations ahead of time--thanks to a recommendation from my T--about how I was not up for physical intimacy on this trip. This helped to keep the issue from being a surprise/source of argument during the trip itself.  After the trip was over, as she was convinced in her own mind that it was great and that it meant all was getting much better between us, she would make comments to me about it.  And--again, thanks to my T--I was able to reply honestly that I was glad she he had a good trip for her birthday, that I did have fun, etc. but I kept my responses away from the state of our relationship.

And if all else fails, as LJ mentioned, in a situation like this it really is OK to lie to preserve your safety (physical and emotional).  That goes beyond immediate safety... .it applies to your long-term well-being.

mw

[Lucky Jim]

And if all else fails, as LJ mentioned, in a situation like this it really is OK to lie to preserve your safety (physical and emotional).  That goes beyond immediate safety... .it applies to your long-term well-being.

Right, mama-wolf, that is what I'm saying.  And it's doctor-approved!  LJ