Low Contact Communication Strategy...comments?

[Dionysius]

I'm 5 years divorced from a Borderline ex. We have shared custody of a 13yr old boy.
In the last year I've moved on with a new partner with whom I now live. Unfortunately, this development has unleashed an unprecedented campaign of terror, harassment, and abuse from my ex. I've spoken at length to my lawyer, but it appears that very little can be done to curb her behaviour.
 
The only real solution would be to go No Contact, but that's not sustainable in a shared custody arrangement, so I've been trying "Low Contact".
Communications have now been reduced to email only as well as through lawyers (although this is not financially sustainable).
Still, I often find these communications upsetting and demoralising.

As such, as part of my own self-care efforts, I've developed the following principles for Low Contact communication with a Borderline ex, particularly in situations of shared custody.

Receiving Communications:

1) Disregard the tone of the communication (including any charming or hostile language)

2) Determine what information is being communicated (NOT what message is being sent).

3) Assess the value of that information (i.e. is it true, accurate, useful?)

4) Decide if the information warrants an action or response.

Replying to Communications:

1) Do not respond to the tone of the message (including insults, criticism, F.O.G.)

2) Respond only to the accurate information warranting a response

3) Be brief, direct, and consistent

I would very much welcome anyone's comments on this strategy.

[Panda39]

Hi Dionysius,

You have a good plan!

I would add... .

Only respond to items about your son.

Don't respond to anything that isn't about your son.

Use BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) when you respond.  In other words keep it short and sweet... .don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) because that will feed the drama.

Your responses should be written like a judge might look them over... .you never know if your emails will be used for documentation so always take the high road. (Keep any anger out of your emails)

Use her emails to document her behaviors if needed... .save the emails.

The other added benefit of email is that there are no confrontational conversations with your ex for your son to over hear.

Keep up the good work 

Panda39

[Dionysius]

Yes, good point about replying only to issues related to our son.
I do keep a record of everything and always have in the back of my mind that they might someday be needed in court.

Thanks!

[Anamika]

This is hard to do as I have found because they know exactly which buttons to push to gain a reaction from you.  I try to only answer logistical questions and nothing more.  For example I got a very emotional text from her last week that was 3 screen phone pages.  I completely ignored it and did not respond.  I've told her I will not respond to emotional messages.  I've set a boundary and she needs to see and respect that boundary.  If I don't keep that boundary she will just blow my phone up and argue all day and night. That is not fair to my children or my new wife to take time and be emotionally drained by her. 

As far as your record keeping it saved my rear a dozen or more times in court.  If you can get her to only text or email I would suggest that.  It's good for record keeping and proving things in court.  I use Decipher Tools for my text messages and Gmail.

[livednlearned]

Good plan 

Has the terror campaign been directed only at you?

BPD pathology would suggest that the parental alienation tactics are increasing, too.

I also found that when I went gray rock, my ex used our son to weaponize because that was an obvious weak spot.

When my ex discovered I was dating, and that our then S12 had been introduced to my new SO, the roof came off the house.

For a period of time, I had all of ex's emails forwarded to a friend, who translated them for me.

Parallel parenting is often how many of us cope with this stuff even years after the divorce.

[kells76]

Hi anamika, good food for thought:

I've told her I will not respond to emotional messages.  I've set a boundary and she needs to see and respect that boundary.  If I don't keep that boundary she will just blow my phone up and argue all day and night.

For anyone who is reading this thread, you can ponder whether or not you need to verbalize or otherwise communicate your boundary. Sometimes, it can work to just DO the boundary, without telling the other person in advance. Each situation is different, so Anamika, it sounds like verbalizing the boundary was what worked for you and your family.

Mostly a little note that we are "allowed" to just go ahead and do our boundaries -- some pwBPD might strongly object, if we told them 

[ForeverDad]

Things changed.  You now have someone in your life.  Ex got seriously triggered.

Ex likely has an "extinction burst" trying to shock you into retreating back into the past normal, well, her preferred normal.

The ex is going to do what she is going to do.  As much as you'd like to you can't control her, the only people we can control is ourselves, that is, what we choose to have as our boundaries and how we address violations of said boundaries.

[Dionysius]

Yes indeed livednlearned.
Initially the campaign was directed at me but once I started setting boundaries she has "weaponized" my son, who is now seeing a therapist (which she of course triangulates) and my relationship with him is at an all time low.

Here is a selection of tactics employed so far:
 
-she keeps telling him that were still a "family" and it's not right for me to move on with someone
-she uninvited me from his 13th birthday party
-she coached him into giving me a speech on her behalf about how I was "treating mom"
-when I didn't play along she screamed at me and physically assaulted me in his presence in front of my home
-he now talks to me like I'm the child and he's the parent
-she refused to acknowledge the holiday schedule spelled out in the separation agreement, attempting to disrupt Christmas
-she threatened to crash my ("her" grandmother's funeral and used our son as her personal envoy
-she got him a cell phone against my wishes and encouraged him to conceal it from me
-she already messages him multiple times a day and guilts him when he doesn't reply right away
-she left him with a third party without my knowledge while she went out of town
-she told me I no longer have the right to emergency contact information
-she had her lawyer contact me demanding a later pickup time, leaving my son waiting for me at school
-now she's arranged for him to get braces without my consent and expects me to foot the bill

Our son is now incredible confused and doesn't know who he should "disobey".
I keep trying to tell him that moving on is a normal and healthy thing, but I have to deprogram him every time he comes back to me.

When I try to tell people what she's doing they look at me like I'm crazy.
Every time I outline all these behaviors to my lawyer and just shrugs and says the law can't really do anything.
I can't help but thinking though that if I (as a man) were doing these things there'd already be a restraining order against me and I'd be losing custody.

I've also realized a fatal flaw in the approach I outlined above. In the case of my ex, there is no such thing as a simple relay of information. It is always part of some plot or trap. Usually some nonsensical or contradictory thing is said that sets up a no win situation for me.

All I want is to be able to deal with these communications in a smart and aware fashion without my anxiety being triggered.


 

[livednlearned]

All I want is to be able to deal with these communications in a smart and aware fashion without my anxiety being triggered.

I suspect your anxiety will also come down when you find specific skills to communicate with your son. These skills are not intuitive and must be learned.

Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids by Bill Eddy
Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak
I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms
Power of Validation (for parents)
Dr. Craig Childress's article on jujitsu parenting

Those books are a good starting point to help you communicate with your son in a way that dials down her ability to reach you through him. They will also help him learn emotional resilience (the foundation of good boundaries).

The skills are also helpful for setting (and keeping) boundaries directly with your ex.

You are on the right track with the list you posted.  

Let us know if you want support with the alienation tactics. I found those to be the root of most of my anxiety once I walled off my ex.

[david]

Email only communication worked for me. It took about three years before I became very boring and did not react in any way. I learned to pick my words carefully. My responses are very similar in words and that takes some time to figure out. I reply only to things that pertain to our boys. We have a very detailed custody order for every holiday, etc. Ex tries to get around it even now. We divorced in 2010.
The biggest problems I have now are Thanksgiving , Christmas, and Easter holiday. I lost a day for two of those this year. I decided it wasn't worth the engagement to bother. This stops ex from escalating. Also, I get so many extra days because ex gives our son to me for various reasons.
One thing that has worked for me. When ex sends an email that is only about our son, is civil, and follows the court order I usually reply with a short email to confirm and end with thank you. I could be wrong but the thank you seems to make her feel good and I get very little grief for weeks after that. It could be a coincidence.

[Nope]

My only other bit of advice is in regards to accusations that she might want to make in an email for the purposes of using for court. When my DH gets nasty accusations that involve the court order he simply states that they are not true and moves on to answering the part of the email that has to do with the kids and requires a response. Occasionally a lawyer will attempt to point to a lack of denial as proof her claim must be true. DH uses, "That isn't true" and/or "You are rewriting history" and leaves it at that. But he uses it sparingly and only in a case where what she is saying would potentially land him in trouble with the court. Everything else just gets ignored.

[Anamika]

Hi anamika, good food for thought:

For anyone who is reading this thread, you can ponder whether or not you need to verbalize or otherwise communicate your boundary. Sometimes, it can work to just DO the boundary, without telling the other person in advance. Each situation is different, so Anamika, it sounds like verbalizing the boundary was what worked for you and your family.

Mostly a little note that we are "allowed" to just go ahead and do our boundaries -- some pwBPD might strongly object, if we told them 

Yes I completely agree with you kells76.  This is just what works for my personal situation.  If I don't tell her then her brain will run wild and it is worse for us. 

[Shrek]

"-when I didn't play along she screamed at me and physically assaulted me in his presence in front of my home "

WHY IS SHE NOT IN JAIL or under a protective order? If you assaulted her you would be cooling your heels in jail. STOP letting her assault you!