Sad and overwhelmed in a six month relationship

[boogs152]

Hello
I’ve been in a six month relationship with a BPD man. I love him and care for him deeply. His moods are increasing and he never seems happy. I’m feeling more and more down. I don’t know what to say or how to act. He often looks at me with disdain. I’m feel sad and overwhelmed. I’m not sure it’s even wise to stay with him. He is getting therapy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Welcome!  I'm sorry that you find yourself dealing with BPD, and I am so sorry that you feel sad and overwhelmed, but am glad you've found us!  You are not alone. 

Deciding whether to stay or go is a very personal decision, and an important one.  My recommendation is to spend time on this board learning about BPD, learning how you can use the tools to avoid making things worse, building your strength and confidence, and give some time for all of that to work before you decide.  Remember that every "non" BPD person and every pwBPD is different, and every couple is different.  BPD comes in a range of severities.  Don't be discouraged if you see other relationships that appear worse or better than yours.

May I ask your ages?  How does what you're experiencing compare to any previous relationships?  Can you describe a particular situation where you'd like some advice on how to better respond?

WW

[boogs152]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it. I’m feeling more and more overwhelmed by his constant moodiness. I don’t know why he is so unhappy. I’m almost too scared to ask. My confidence isn’t there because when I’ve tried to initiate basic communication on previous occasions and  it has  resulted  in him ignoring me for days. Sometimes he can’t even be in the same room with me. It’s like he doesn’t care if I live or die.
I’m 40 years old and he is 46. I’m practicing validation and empathy with him but it seems like water off a ducks back. It’s like he doesn’t even feel it.
He can be upset about dreams, facial expressions and assume I’m in a bad mood when that couldn’t be further from the truth. He just shuts down. Won’t look at me for days.
There only so much I can take and my patience is wearing thin now after six months of chaotic moods.
I understand that he has very good reasons for the way he feels and behaves due to his horrible childhood  but I feel like a mess.

[boogs152]

We live together. It’s easy for his therapist to see him for an hour every two weeks but I’m living and breathing it 24/7. I’m so sad.

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry for your sadness.

It's certainly understandable how you could feel overwhelmed living with him.  It's not uncommon for BPD relationships to start off very intensely and accelerate quickly.  Can you tell us the story of how you met, and came to live with him quickly?

What does your support system look like?  Do you have friends or family near where you live?

WW

[boogs152]

He was homeless when we met. I let him stay with me initially because I wanted him to feel safe and comfortable. It quickly became a live in situation. Sometimes I regret that. My support system is limited. I’m too ashamed to discuss my relationship with friends or family as they would just tell me to leave him. We’re both seeing therapists. I live away from friends and family. I’m thinking of returning closer to them to take a break from my relationship. Perhaps it would be easier if we lived apart. He struggles to function within society money issues a past of drug addiction and homelessness. He can be overbearing during anxious times which has definitely increased. He struggles with sleep etc.

[Radcliff]

I can certainly see how it would have seemed good to offer him a place to stay.  It would be totally natural to think that removing the stress of homelessness would improve things.  Then to realize that there were issues you didn't understand, and to not have the flexibility to have space, that must have been very difficult.

How far away is the place you'd move to in order to be closer to family and friends?  Would you have to look for a new job?  If so, how difficult would that be?

I was impressed to hear a newcomer talking about empathy and validation.  It sounds like you've done your homework!  What learning sources have you been using?

WW

[boogs152]

I’d have to move about a two hour drive away. That’s not too far in my opinion. I’m not sure. The thought of living apart has been on my mind in recent weeks. I know that his last relationship went for ten years and they lived apart so he may be open to my suggestion.
I did think initially that if he was off the streets that removing such a stress would make things easier for him but at times I’m not sure. There are moments or a few hours when he’s relaxed and beautiful to be with and then we go through weeks of emotional hardship.
I’ve tried so hard to be patient and understanding. I’m not sure if he sees it that way. Even a simple request of asking him not to fart in front of me starts a spiral of disconnect. He says I’m being very nasty... .He is overbearing with what I eat and when I should answer my phone or not. He can be quite bossy and gets me to run after him. I realise that it’s up to me to set boundaries but he can be so dominant at times.

I find it hard believe that when we met he was on the streets and now that he’s in my home he dominating me and our relationship so harshly. It feels abusive in some ways. I’ve gained weight because of stress and can barely find the motivation to wear anything other than sweat pants.
I’ve lost myself. I can’t help but blame myself.

[boogs152]

I’ve done general research online about BPD and now am listening to the audio book stop walking on eggshells

[pearlsw]

Hi boogs152,

Sorry to hear about all you are struggling with regarding this new partner!

Based on my own life experience, I can tell you that at 6 mo's in this is the time to act.

I started dating someone once, and he moved in with me very quickly. I didn’t even quite notice it at first until one day I saw his backpack and then realized…He lives here? What?

I did want to date him, and we got along, and there seemed to be a chance at a future, but I was quickly dealing with a lot of baggage he’d brought on board and watching my life go downhill a bit.

So, from one woman to another, please watch your boundaries and put yourself first.

Can you handle this guy under your roof? Is the living together experiment working? If not, what next? Whatever problems he had that led him to end up on the streets are gonna be a part of him even if he is back in housing, that is a lot to come back from. You helped with a big piece, but the rest is on him.

A lot of relationships start with good intentions and end up with us chubbier and in sweat pants, unfortunately.  But I am sorry you are feeling bad! Any ideas on how to counteract at least this part?  

warmly, pearl.

[Radcliff]

I’ve done general research online about BPD and now am listening to the audio book stop walking on eggshells

That is a great book to start with.  The same author also wrote "The BPD Family Workbook," which teaches many of the tools that we teach here. 

You mentioned that some of the things he does feel abusive.  Can you share with us one or two of the worst things that are going on in your home that you'd like to change?

WW

[boogs152]

Thanks Pearl. Can you offer some specific suggestions? I’m struggling here as everything is so new. I’m reading stop walking in egg shells.

[boogs152]

For example... .How do I find the words to express

 “I’m struggling to cope with your moods.”
“You’re overbearing behaviour is affecting my confidence.”

“Perhaps you need more intense treatment”

Can you help me find the words Pearl?

Big thanks

[boogs152]

Examples such as acting superior
Comments on what I eat
When I should and shouldn’t answer my phone
He wants me to change my hair


I may say something like “I find my relationship with my father challenging”
He simply responds with “I wish I had a father”. He lacks empathy

I’m not allowed to make too much eye contact with him when we have sex either.
He insists on sleeping in separate beds.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this.  It can be very discouraging.  The list you've given is very helpful, because it shows a range of issues.  The situations also fall into a range of "ownership" categories -- what you should own, he should own, and what you should work out together.  As you contemplate each issue, ask yourself, "Who should own this?"  Another thing to keep in mind is that you cannot control his behavior, and he should not seek to control yours.  Everyone is owns their own behavior.

Examples such as acting superior

You can't change this.  It's his behavior, he owns it.  If he had empathy and skill that a "non" might have there could be room for growth.  You've got two things you can do:
1.  Praise him if you catch him acting not superior (even acting neutral), and see if that helps over a period of time.  He may or may not react well to praise.
2.  Build your own strength and self confidence.  Find positive messages, either self-generated or from your support network to build you up so you don't start to believe that you are inferior.

He wants me to change my hair

Who owns your hair?  It's very personal, isn't it?  One of the things we find when we are bending over backwards trying to make a BPD relationship work is that we are at high risk of losing our sense of self.  Our pwBPD actually have a hard time understanding where they stop and we begin.  This is a developmental issue that children usually resolve when they are toddlers, but in folks with BPD, it has not been resolved.  This makes it hard for them to understand boundaries, which is why we have to get especially good at it.

Tell us about your hair.  If this is a situation where you like your hair now, and his suggestion wouldn't feel like you, then hanging onto your current style may be important to preserving your sense of self.  He may lean on you and say you don't respect him or worse, but you get to decide.  Part of the art here may be in gently deflecting his suggestion (which is easier to do if you're confident).  You could say something like, "That's an interesting idea.  Let me think about it."

I may say something like “I find my relationship with my father challenging”
He simply responds with “I wish I had a father”. He lacks empathy

This must be hard.  I bet you'd really like him to say, "I'm sorry, I know it's hard on you," or, "Would you like to tell me more about that?"  A patient woman can help an average man learn listening skills, but you likely have what you have here.  If you get your skills up, and life with him improves, this might be something to come back to, but you're best off understanding that this is where he'll be on this sort of thing for the foreseeable future.

I’m not allowed to make too much eye contact with him when we have sex either.

You could play this one of two ways.  You could say to yourself that you own your eyes and he owns his.  It takes two to make eye contact.  You could say to him, "Honey, you are so handsome, I like to look at you, but if you don't want to look eye-to-eye, that is OK."  Another way you could approach this is to consider that some people are modest and are uncomfortable with their partner seeing certain parts of their body, even during sex.  Making eye contact during sex is a way to form a deep connection for some, but for others, the idea of such a deep connection is uncomfortable or scary.  You may choose to accept that this is important for him to be comfortable.

He insists on sleeping in separate beds.

Have you talked with him to see why this might be?  This is a personal preference, though I certainly understand how it might not fit your model for a relationship, or be what you want or need.  Pursuing him directly on this is not going to work.  Try to understand his needs, and think creatively about yours.  For example, could cuddle time in one bed, then sleeping separately work?  If he happens to sleep in the same bed, you can tell him how wonderful it was.  Remember, you can't control someone else, and with a pwBPD, the more they feel you are trying to control them, the less likely they will be to do what you're asking.

When I should and shouldn’t answer my phone
Comments on what I eat

Tell us more to help us give better feedback.  Can you describe the phone situations?  Regarding what you eat, are you comfortable with your eating, or is it an area of vulnerability for you?

Do you see how your list of situations involved different levels of ownership for each situation?  In a relationship with a pwBPD, particularly for those of us who enter the relationship without great boundaries, not having a clear picture of who owns what makes things confusing and difficult!  Starting to develop a clearer picture helps you to be flexible where appropriate, and protect your boundaries with confidence and less defensiveness when appropriate.  Much less energy goes into conflict.

WW

[boogs152]

Gosh Thankyou for such a detailed reply. I appreciate the great effort you’ve gone to help. I feel a little relieved now. I’ll reflect on those points. Interesting... .and I can relate to some of the points you made about his possible behaviours

[Radcliff]

No worries!  We want to make sure you get your money's worth!  

Seriously, though, there's not a limit to how much help you can get here.  I've been astonished at how much folks were willing to give to help me.  Keep asking questions.

Take some time to digest everything (and get some sleep!) but when you have a chance let us know about the phone situation and the eating criticism, or, even better, give us the detail and take a whack at telling us your spin on how to handle them now!

WW

[boogs152]

Thankyou greatly. I’ll be back with an update. I never considered my current circumstances from such a perspective.

Hugs x

[pearlsw]

For example... .How do I find the words to express

 “I’m struggling to cope with your moods.”
“You’re overbearing behaviour is affecting my confidence.”

“Perhaps you need more intense treatment”

Can you help me find the words Pearl?

Big thanks

I can try! Perhaps others will help us too!

I think "I" statements are best.

[perhaps better:] “I’m struggling to cope. I don't know what to do.”  

[perhaps better:] “My confidence is not what it used to be before this relationship. I feel bad about myself. I want to feel better."

[perhaps better:] “What do you think about getting more intense treatment?”

I think team work also helps. "How can we do things better? How can we make it work?"

Do all you can to take blaming, accusations and criticism out of your speech. Avoid using "you" when you can.

I'm no expert! Just my take. More questions?

Have you seen this tool? SET

take care, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Thankyou greatly. I’ll be back with an update. I never considered my current circumstances from such a perspective.

Hugs x

Great!  We'll be happy to hear from you when you're ready!

WW

[boogs152]

Hello

Just an update. Things have been more or less the same with my partner. His moods are still the same and overbearing nature is ongoing. I can only imagine that he is in a cycle. This has been going on strong for around 8 weeks.
I’m feeling overwhelmed today. His opinions,decisions and emotions are swinging from one extreme to another and my head is spinning. It’s out of control. His anxiety has been building periodically.
I feel  overwhelmed. I’m spinning. I’m trying so hard  to be patient and have empathy.
Feeling low.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you're feeling down, but am glad you've reached out for support.  It's going to be very difficult to keep your bearings and keep your mood up if he is the only one you are seeing.  Can you get out for the evening, perhaps go to a local library or music spot to relax?  Or take yourself to see a movie he probably wouldn't like?  Can you make arrangements to go away this weekend back to visit friends and family?

WW

[boogs152]

I’m practicing self care but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m living with someone who displays borderline behaviours. Any observations I make of his behaviour... .for example... .I mentioned to him that I observed that he talks a lot in his sleep. More often he appears to be experiencing distressing emotions in his dreams. He seems distressed in his dreams. He has a lot of trouble sleeping so I decided to bring up the topic of what I observed when he sleeps.

He took my observations as criticism.  I’m frustrated and confused

[Radcliff]

Yes, as you said, unfortunately, self-care doesn't change your basic circumstances.

That certainly would be very frustrating and confusing if you were expressing concern for him, and he thought you were criticizing!  But it is not surprising that this happened.  pwBPD have very high shame responses.  Anything that might make them feel not normal, or embarrass them, they may respond very strongly to.  On top of that, pwBPD often have a background of childhood abuse.  If his dreams are linked to that, and he knows it, he may be doubly sensitive.  Please be cautious, though, because discussing the idea of childhood abuse, especially with a man, can be very difficult.  Plus he may not have been abused -- this info is just for background.

A few days ago, you said things felt like they were spinning out of control.  How are they now?  Which behavior of his is the most painful for you?  Can you give us an example with details?

WW

[boogs152]

Thanks for your response. I wish to give your questions some deeper consideration. I will get back to you soon.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for your response. I wish to give your questions some deeper consideration. I will get back to you soon.

Sounds good.  We are here whenever you are ready!

WW

[boogs152]

When he completely shuts down. That’s probably the most painful behaviour to try to cope  with. I understand and respect that he needs a period of time to ground himself. I’m independent, I work and have good friends and family so the seperate time is okay for me but... .it’s the fact that he appears to be in such emotional pain... .that’s the hardest to deal with... .the shut down... .the intense pain he appears to be in.
I don’t know what to do... .his therapist seems to find effective ways of grounding him quickly. She a godsend!
Me, I’m not so effective in my approach. I just give him space and wait for him to spiral out of the cycle.

[boogs152]

His overbearing behaviour is probably the next most difficult pattern to cope with.

[pearlsw]

When he completely shuts down. That’s probably the most painful behaviour to try to cope  with. I understand and respect that he needs a period of time to ground himself. I’m independent, I work and have good friends and family so the seperate time is okay for me but... .it’s the fact that he appears to be in such emotional pain... .that’s the hardest to deal with... .the shut down... .the intense pain he appears to be in.
I don’t know what to do... .his therapist seems to find effective ways of grounding him quickly. She a godsend!
Me, I’m not so effective in my approach. I just give him space and wait for him to spiral out of the cycle.

Hi boogs152,

It is good that your therapist is able to ground him. I think unfortunately, the nature of this illness is, that as the intimate partner we are going to bear the brunt of the most difficult sides of our partners. I don't think there is away around that. We are the closest, their guard is down, we spend the most time with them.

That said, don't get down on yourself when he dysregulates. Thought some things you do may make a difference, I think it is unavoidable at a certain point. These cycles are powerful, and they are bigger than us as humble individuals facing them.

My SO experiences intense emotional pain. It is almost a relief when he shuts down and it is not directed towards me. He slept for the better part of the next 3 days after a big blow up 4 days ago.

In terms of him being overbearing do you have a specific example in mind?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[boogs152]

Yes I understand what you’re going through Pearl. My partner will lock himself away in his room for days.He Can barely stand to even be in the same room as me at times. My SO told me that when he was younger he would give his previous long term girlfriend the silent treatment for around three weeks. So I can tell that he’s made progress over the years. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for his previous gf.

He can be overbearing in many ways. Asking me to take care of his day to day needs like his banking... .phone calls... .dealing with his family... .his legal issues. A sense of entitlement occurs like asking Me to “ get this get that”

Opinions on the way I look too

You did mention previously that I need to consider my ownership of my body for example. That did help and has helped me be more forthright but his overbearing nature can be constant and seems to be worse when he is stressed.