Differences between BPD and NPD

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I sent a list of certain things my ex said about herself to one psychotherapist. It was not the same person I am working with. I have been questioning my reality a lot lately. I have been thinking that it is me who is crazy. For this reason I have been talking about this past relationship with many different professionals. For some reason I find it very validating to ask second or even third opinion from different therapist. I sent him the list because we do not see ourselves or others in objective light, ever. We always see the world and other people through our own, colored perspective. No matter how hard you try, it is impossible to be 100% objective because our brains just does not work that way. I made that list because I was 100% sure that she actually said those things, and I was also sure that there is no room for my own interpretation. Well, he told me that this woman is like a book-case example of narcissism. I first though she must have BPD, and for some people BPD is like a female version of narcissism. Still, there are many men who has this disorder as well. The therapist was kind funny. He told me that sure, you can have a relationship with somebody who has NPD and that they attach and love in their own very twisted way. My reaction was like "What the heck?". I told him that people like this "love" like a leech "loves" it´s host. He agreed, and said that there are many neurotic people who more than gladly give up their needs for somebody else, and asked if I am such person. I said of course not.

I think one difference between these two is that people with BPD pretty much always hate themselves deep down. According to present research, this is not always the case with the NPD, altough sometimes it is. This gets even more complicated when you compare how BPD is seen here in my country and how it is seen in US. In US there is this cluster-B category of PDs and they share many common traits. There is some comorbidity as well (if you have one PD, you can easily have other). In my country such thing as "cluster-B" does not exist. The doctors use ICD-10 instead of DSM-IV to diagnose people, so this might explain the difference. The direct stranslation of BPD from my language to english is "unstable personality disorder" which to me sounds much more politically correct term. Here it is also believed that many people who has BPD usually recover without treament with normal aging and maturing. Its also believed that with therapy they can be completely healed. The problem is that for people who has BPD it is very difficult to commit in years of therapy. This is never the case with NPD. They do not recover by aging, and therapy can actually make the symptoms of NPD much worse and teach them new ways to manipulate people. I also have two sisters who have BPD, and I can say they indeed are able to see their flaws, and they are in treatment. But, when you get in big argument with them, the traits usually become more transparent. I rarely get in fights with them these days, because in all these years I have learned how to handle disagreements with them so they do not escalate, and they have matured enough and learned better conflict resolving skills. In my opinion they are also capable of feeling emphaty, which is not the case with people who has NPD. At least they have been very supportive for me now when I have had to go through this hellish experience myself. Any thoughts?

[spacecadet]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but rest assured, you are most normal and human to have lingering feelings of trauma. I can relate to your search for truth in that understanding the disorder has helped me.

Regarding the crux of your post, the consensus in the psych community (from what I gather) is that there is a strong element of narcissism in all people with cluster-B issues. When one is in a great deal of pain, it's difficult if not impossible to have mental and emotional space for the needs of another. That's true for all of us, but most, let's say neurotypicals (not sure how I feel about that word spend more time feeling relaxed and so the stress patches that cause us to be self-centered are more intermittent, whereas those in unceasing pain and confusion are that way much more often.

I like your leech and host metaphor! A friend of mine is writing a vampire story, and he told me about it in some detail. I've never been interested in this type of story or film before, but I found myself fascinated by it, and it's my ex who helped me understand this metaphor of certain types of people who suck our blood.

It's important to have people in our life who see us as we really are, and who will mirror back to us not only that we are not crazy, we are strong and resilient and growing more so as we heal from this kind of relationship... .whether we're choosing to stay in it or it's in the past.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I feel actually pretty good now. The torturing self doubts are gone at last. But this has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

When one is in a great deal of pain, it's difficult if not impossible to have mental and emotional space for the needs of another.

This is completely true, and it is said that people with severe depression are very self centered as well. Their mental energy is tied to their own suffering, and there is not energy for the needs of anyone else, just like you said.