What to do? Can deal with bills and BPD, but not lying...

[Dew Pepper]

Hello, this is my first post.

My spouse was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year. He started DBT but quit after two sessions. He just started his fourth job in 18 months, and the long  hours don’t lend to counseling sessions.

 He’s a compulsive liar, especially when it comes to money. He cost us about $5000 in tax bills last year from lying and bad decisions,, and other bills that fall into his lap will get ignored until they fall into collections, While he tells me he’s “taking care of them and paying them off.” This year, now that the lying about money has come out, he gets mad at me when the subject comes up, and it has to because bills arrive and they must be paid.

. This last bill he gave me two false stories about before I stepped in and paid it, when I called him on his lies, he said I was being so rude and he was so sick of being questioned, he was leaving the house for the weekend. I don’t know if he’s coming back. I don’t know if he should.  Now that he’s been diagnosed BPD, he seems to get angry at me more often, and  says really hurtful things to me.  He seems to prefer a fantasy world to reality, But reality is where I live.

I feel like we can deal with bills and his BPD, but his continuing to lie about money hurts me, makes me feel insecure. I get that he feels ashamed of not making as much is me, but lying doesn’t fix anything. He Needs to bring his credit up, because he’ll need to buy a car soon.

My anxiety issues are getting worse, my blood pressure has gone up to the point where I need medical help.  I love him and I don’t want to divorce. I just want him to stop hiding bills and problems from me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Dew Pepper,

Oh my! Your husband walked out and you are not sure if he is coming back?

I had a boyfriend who I caught stealing from me to buy drugs and when I confronted him he walked out and was gone for days. It was agonizing. After days of that I was worried he might be dead.

Do you think he's okay? Will he be back? Does he expect you to chase him? Is he trying to make you worry?

Oh goodness! I hope I have not just added to your anxiety! 

I had high blood pressure during that relationship I just mentioned too! It was a very stressful and difficult  time. It was after that I started doing triathlons and meditating very regularly actually just to be able to cope with being with him and get my health in order!

I took beta blockers for a few mo's and it was quite a relief. I hope you find some relief for the blood pressure issues, I know how bad that can make you feel!

Is there any way you can get more control over the finances? Sell it to him as something positive, a way to reduce his stress and troubles and avoid troubles over it?

warmly, pearl.

[Dew Pepper]

 Hi, thank you for responding so quickly. I am not afraid for his safety, he staying with family. Last week  we talked about moving more bills and responsibilities to the joint account, so he doesn’t have to worry about any bills, I will monitor all of them.  No big deal to me.  I thought Framed it positively last week, this week we got along great until Friday.

I don’t know if he wants me to chase him, but I did text him today and told him I love him. I don’t even know if his phone actually still works. It was broken and going downhill.

I got put on better new meds today, so I’m hoping that will be better.

 I really think that if we each adopt some new practices, things will work out. I’m just afraid of him just deciding that I am an awful person now and forever.

[pearlsw]

Hi, thank you for responding so quickly. I am not afraid for his safety, he staying with family. Last week  we talked about moving more bills and responsibilities to the joint account, so he doesn’t have to worry about any bills, I will monitor all of them.  No big deal to me.  I thought Framed it positively last week, this week we got along great until Friday.

I don’t know if he wants me to chase him, but I did text him today and told him I love him. I don’t even know if his phone actually still works. It was broken and going downhill.

I got put on better new meds today, so I’m hoping that will be better.

 I really think that if we each adopt some new practices, things will work out. I’m just afraid of him just deciding that I am an awful person now and forever.

Hi Dew Pepper,

Oh, glad to hear he is safe, and that you have new meds too! Hope you feel better!

Can you tell us more about what happened on Friday? Why was that such a turning point?

take care, pearl.