NC with BPD family members while still participating in family events

[zachira]

I have been thinking a lot lately about how many on this site have commented on how when they go NC with BPD family members, they often find themselves having to make difficult decisions about attending family events, and NC can sometimes mean not seeing the family at all because the BPD will be there. It is like we get punished for going NC by being excluded from the family or having limited contact with family members we would actually like to have relationships with. I would like some tips on how to manage to still see family members with the BPD present or in the background.

[Learning2Thrive]

I would like some tips on how to manage to still see family members with the BPD present or in the background.

I think your success in this will be dependent on several factors. Some you can control (yourself and your boundaries). Some you can not (everyone and everything else).

I suggest developing a strong and healthy support system who can be there for you. Make sure you know and respect your own boundaries. Practice excellent self-care.

[Learning2Thrive]

Some additional thoughts:

Practice medium chill. Be boring when in BPD company. Avoid any thoughts of “rescuing”. Always have an exit strategy.

[Harri]

Learning2Thrive has some very good practical suggestions.  

for me, I found a lot of it was in my mindset.  At the time I was LC I knew nothing of validation, SET, etc but I did know about projection and splitting so I knew what was going on with my mother and her nasty comments, behavior and gossip about me with family and friends.  I had also come to see my mother as the small hurt scared person she was rather than the powerful person she had seemed to be all my life.  I think for me a lot was defiance and spite... .I was not going to give her any more power over me and certainly not to the point where I was a wreck just being around her.  I had given her enough of me in ways that threatened me and my psychological survival and I was done with that.  So yeah, defiance and sheer spite.  

I shared in another thread that I was able to go to my brothers wedding and sit with my family at the same table and go to all the other celebrations.  I was also able to participate in holidays and other gatherings.  Things that made it easier for me was that my family was/is small and I was pretty immune to being publicly humiliated.  I don't mean that I took it, but it was more knowing what she would do and being prepared to take action whether it was with a few words, leaving the scene, or giving an eye roll and cracking a joke.  It came from knowing that she would not like whatever I did so the only solution was to do what was right for me.  You know that saying about you can't win... .well, I did not play the game so I never felt bad about losing and I never cared about winning.  What is a win in these situations anyway?  I guess this was my clumsy attempt at staying out of the drama triangle.  

I would also ask myself what was the worst that could happen?  Nothing worse than what I had already survived.  She was going to do whatever she was going to do.  No escaping that.  My mother was not going to attack me with a knife nor bring out her gun again in company so I had no physical fear.  I refused to be alone with her as she would pretend even a small incidental touch caused her pain and cause her to bruise.  I never went anywhere without my own car, money and credit cards should I need to escape.  always kept my keys on me.  

Other family?  the only ones I cared about were my brother and SIL and to a small extent my father who would try to convince me to be nice and keep the peace.  I just told them flat out that if they kept it up I would end the conversation/visit.  My dad I got a bit much harsher with.  I did keep in mind though that they were still enmeshed with her and that my choices definitely affected their peace and what they had to deal with from my mother.  I reminded myself that I was them not that far back and that they had the right to have whatever sort of relationship with her that they wanted to have.  It was not my place to try to expect them to change nor was I going to push them or even resent them for doing what they could.  After all I was doing the very same not that far in the past.

So again, for me it was more mindset and understanding what was going on.  It also meant knowing that these were my choices and like anything else, there are consequences that might hurt.  It was hard and I was sad and grieved a lot and felt guilt but I expected to feel those things.  

Boundaries played a big part in this too.  I really should not call it boundaries because it is not how we use that term here on the boards but I have yet to come up with a word to describe it.  :)ifferentiation, as Skip once pointed out to me, is close.  It involved knowing where I began and ended in relation to my family and allowing my family and their friends the room to be who they were/are without me trying to fix or control things.  They could have their emotions and I did not need to take them on.  To do so was not my place nor my business... .

So to be so long winded.    

TLDR; it's all about mindset and acceptance.

[zachira]

Learning2Thrive and Harri,
Thank you for your helpful tips. I will use all of them, as I will be going to see the family at the end of the summer. I was invited to the family reunion which is next week, and my wonderful cousin who knows how badly the family treated me by excluding me from Christmas did every thing to get me to go, including finding me a place to stay with her sibling. My anxiety about going to the family reunion and my avoidance of making a plane reservation for the end of the summer, made me realize I need to start thinking about how I am going to handle reconnecting with my two BPD siblings and BPD mom. I got the idea for this thread from Harri, when she described how she handled going to her brother's wedding. Thank you Harri for giving me hope that I can have a relationship with my family, that I don't have to cut them all out of my life to avoid the unpleasantness of being around the BPD family members.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I definitely think we can get you ready for an end of summer family encounter!  Will you be staying with your mother/siblings? (please say no... .  if you are, it is doable but much easier if you are not!)  Will the supportive cousin you mentioned re: the reunion be involved in the visit?  Can you think of one specific thing you want to work on first?

Thank you Harri for giving me hope that I can have a relationship with my family, that I don't have to cut them all out of my life to avoid the unpleasantness of being around the BPD family members.

You are welcome Zachira.  Remember, you need to watch your expectations.  They will be who they are, even the relatives who are not BPD.  Relationships may be limited and you may want to keep some at arms length but that is okay.  You are the one who will be doing the choosing and setting the limits.  

[hellebore1]

Sadly, after a life with a BPD sibling I have a SIL who's really immature and hateful.  She's very jealous of my relationship with DH (I don't like to use this term but the words I'd use to informally describe her are "control freak" which means she manipulated and bossed him for years and now I am teaching him to stand up to her, so of course she hates me.  Anyway, I digress.

She's not quite as out of control as a full BPD, but nearly so, so I just ignore her as much as I can when we're at mutual family events. I say hello, that's about it.  Otherwise I make sure DH is with me at all times, make sure I have a car at the ready and a way to leave, and always make sure other people are around when I have to talk to her, since she's less likely to act up in front of other people whose opinions she cares about.

it's too bad, b/c she and DH share two half siblings I really like, one of whom came to see us this weekend.  I just try to not talk about her with them so as to not put them in the middle.  It's hard.  My sympathies to those of you who have to deal with this a lot.

[Struggles]

Been a while since I posted.  We too had a family reunion last weekend, and luckily my uBPD MIL was not in attendance which made things a bit easier.  We had planned an exit strategy, riding with sister and BiL who we are extremely close too and who understand the situation. That way we would not be stuck there by ourselves in the event that she did show.  We have had several other family events that were awkward, Christmas, children’s events, and not to mention she lives right next door to family we are extremely close too, so not seeing her at all is just not possible.  We do not speak to her, or engage in conversations that she is engaged in.  I walk away if she comes in the same room.  My husband does not walk away, he just acts as if she isn’t there. 

We are on month 9 now of no contact.  I can say I still have a bit of anxiety when I know I will see her.  She has recently told people she has people following me.  So she is very unpredictable.  But, this last event I just tried not to let my anxieties get the best of me like I usually tend to do. 

These last 9 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions, but with time, my heart has settled and what she says doesn’t bother me as bad as it used too.  I’ve had to repeat over and over to myself “you cannot control what she says or does, only how you react to it”. 

I still have random dreams of her showing up unexpectedly at my job, or times where we sit and talk and she calmly listens and accepts what I’m saying about how badly she has hurt all of us (definitely a dream) . 

My husbands father has switched from agreeing she has a problem, to being in complete and utter denial, and trying to guilt trip my husband into speaking to her and making things right. 

Stay strong, I’ll be praying for the best with your family events. 

[heartofglass]

Hugs.   I'm one of those dealing with this. It is simply horrible.

SHE will be at every family event and holiday going forward, so I can't be. I've never felt lonelier, and yes, it feels like further punishment.

I worry about myself. (Depression, sadness, sometimes suicidal.) Sometimes I honestly feel I can't take this anymore. Today was one of those days. I have two young children and this is not a time in my life I should be so isolated and cut off from my family. I care about my appearance and keep fit so on the outside nobody would know that inside I'm dying. (I don't want it to be obvious.)

But my mom was so horribly cruel and abusive last time we interacted, that my heart rate rises even imagining seeing her again. Ultimately I know it's for the best. But being isolated isn't doing me any favors either.

Thankfully my DH has a loving family who desperately want us to move closer, but they live thousands of miles away and that would be a huge undertaking for us. Other than moving closer to them, I have no idea what to do either.

[hellebore1]

I'm worried about you, heartofglass.  :)o you have a therapist or anyone you can talk to about this?  Being the parent of small kids is hard enough without a BPD parent on the scene.

If it makes you feel any better I have the feeling your mom may wreak havoc with relationships with your other family members soon.  That's what happened with my BPD brother - eventually they saw for themselves what a nightmare he can be, and helped me avoid him by not inviting him to certain events or having a separate event with me later.

And by the way, there's nothing wrong with having your struggles be obvious or asking for help.  This situation is not your fault and anyone who might judge you is not qualified to do so unless they grew up, again, in a household with a BPD nuclear family member.  What we go through dealing with BPD is way outside what most people experience in relationships. If people try to tell you "it's not that bad" or whatever, see if you can find a local support group for people who've survived this.  Counseling for PTSD is something many of us find helpful, also.  Hugs to you. 

[Harri]

I worry about myself. (Depression, sadness, sometimes suicidal.) Sometimes I honestly feel I can't take this anymore. Today was one of those days.

How are you doing today heartofglass?  Like hellebore, I am concerned and listening.  Was there anything in particular that happened yesterday to make you feel you couldn't take it anymore?