Detaching

[juju2]

Hi family,
since october last year, i have been mostly on the bettering a r/s board.
Now, i have taken myself out of the equation, i finally saw the toxic dynamic of our relationship just yesterday:
he emailed me, in the hospital w severe dehydration.  Renal failure.
( thought, there he goes again, not taking good care.)  that was an issue i saw w him.

Anyways, later in the day, i thought it would be nice
to bring a cheery plant, give it to the nurses station, w a nice note, and leave.  As i am leaving, he is on the elevator, we hug, he asks would you like to go outside, there is a nice sitting area.
While there, he chided me for "surprising him"
all i said was, was just leaving you a plant.  I met you on the elevator, when i was leaving... .

Long story short, i can do nothing right, i have been stomped on again, again and again.  The old me, would actually apologize!  this time i took another tack, and stood up for myself... .
His dtr 38, who lives in our town, didnt know he was in the hosp (w severe dehydration, fluid on his lungs, trouble breathing, and renal failure. )

its sad to see his disorder, the illness insists on destroying anything good and sweet.  I feel sad.

j

[Harley Quinn]

Hi juju,

So standing up for yourself was a step (well done for not apologising for doing something compassionate!), as is choosing to post on the Detaching board.  What does this mean for you in real terms?  How does being out of the equation look to you?  You say you have taken yourself out of the equation.  How were things left between you?

If you are planning to put this chapter of your life behind you and move forwards we will absolutely support you in that journey.  Although it's always with sadness that we greet newcomers because arriving here most often means pain and heartbreak, it is also with hope and encouragement towards an emotionally healthier, more self compassionate future.   

Love and light x

[juju2]

Hi Harley,
He was pretty cold towards me, and maybe some of that was from being ill.  He was convinced that he is doing better than he is, and said as soon as he gets out, he will have to go to work outside, and he will get even sicker.  It seems to me that i am letting him hit rock bottom, and i am afraid he will end up very sick.  His breathing was bad, he has asthma, and smokes a pack a day, he was supposed to quit years ago... .it just looks to me like if he isnt careful, he could end up on oxygen.  When we lived together, he didnt have to work this much, and the times he did work, he would tell me, he cant do the physically demanding work anymore, and i supported us, i said ok.  Then dont do it... .now that he lives by himself, having to pay all the bills, he is running himself down... .

Going in to renal failure, thats pretty bad.  Sorry i am focusing on him, and i am worried about him.

when he walked me out yesterday, he started to apologize for hurting me, that he is sorry this is so hard for me... .i just said its ok.  Last year, like three times, i begged him to come home.  The last time he had no food in his fridge. 

so when he walked me out, i really felt that he was completely finished w me.  The way he acted, that i surprised him, that after twenty minutes visit, it was time for me to go... he said he had to get back to his room, they dropped off his dinner... .i dont know him at all anymore.  He doesnt want to spend any time around me.

at this point, i have no choice except to detach, let go and let God.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Sorry i am focusing on him, and i am worried about him.

In my opinion there is no reason to be sorry because you care about somebody. It is understandable that you are worried about him, he was a big part of your life after all.

I am sorry you have to go through this, and I completely understand that you want to let go now. Nobody can blame you because of that. Stay strong, and do what is best for you! 

[juju2]

Hi Maybe,

I hung in there for so long.  Its like, was the only one pulling.  And, seeing him so ill, in denial, saying he has to finish the job he was on, its like, he doesnt know that keeping himself healthy, alive, is the priority... .i see he is very ill mentally and physically.  It makes me sad.  And he was pushing me away, when i went to the hosp to see him.  He was going into why he couldnt keep our r/s, that he wasnt getting what he needed... .he never says anything about what he did to cause us to fail. 

Right now, am concerned that he is on a self destructive path, not unlike his history of drug abuse for 25 yrs.  He doesnt see that when he was with me, we had our problems, yes, and he was able to be in physical, mental, spiritual wellness.i supported our r/s, i knew he couldnt do the physically demanding work.  I was ok w that.  He could do what he wanted.  He had to trash that.
Now he barely can go to any meetings.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi juju,

How are you doing?  It's been a couple of days since your last post on this.  Any change in your situation/feelings/thoughts?

Remind me how long it has now been since you stopped being a couple.

Love and light x

[juju2]

Hi H,
Thanks for reading.  Its been since october, we last spent the nite together.

We were together for ten years, living together.
Sometimes i feel he is going thru a phase, bec he has someone new, and she doesnt know all this stuff about him:  BPD, and all that goes w it, that he runs himself down physically and every other way.
He cant handle money, he is on disability income, and spends 25%of that on a huge storage unit rental.  I think he has hoarding as well.  I have been helping him financially since about 5 yrs ago, getting him what he needs, false teeth, prescription sun glasses, medical care, vehicle.  He was my partner and i love him.  Present tense.  This last week when he got so run down, he couldnt pay his truck pmt, he was in the hosp.  So i am paying that.  After july, am not paying anything else.  Am giving myself that goal.  I feel like if he could want to reconcile i may be willing. 

He has just constantly trashed anything good in his life.  Maybe that is part of BPD?

Thanks for your support, j

[Harley Quinn]

Its been since october, we last spent the nite together.

Was that after the breakup or before?  

When you say that you've been helping him financially, I take it you mean whilst he has a gf?  What it sounds like you're saying is that you're hurt by his behaviour and want rationally to end this cycle but you are still struggling emotionally to let go.  Many of us, myself included, know exactly how tough that is.  I was also still there for my ex for a time after we split up, despite the fact he'd physically abused me.  

Sometimes though, helping is actually doing the opposite of what we hope it will achieve.  It holds the person back from experiencing the consequences of their actions, from learning, growing and taking responsibility for themselves.  You're not alone in wanting to help and support your ex.  A large proportion of us are codependent / caretaker types.  It makes breaking that attachment all the more difficult, as we're focusing on them, rather than ourselves.  Changing that focus to ourselves is a difficult, yet necessary step.  Are you ready to take it?

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this. We also need to question our own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type of “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

What do you think?  This is one of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  You can read the full article HERE.  :)o any of the other beliefs ring true to you at present?

Love and light x

[juju2]

Hi H.

He has been financially challenged since we met.  He is disabled bec of BPD, gets disability, not enough to live on really. 

Today he emailed me our dog, has to go to the vet tomorrow.  We split vet bills.  I dont know how to say, "you are on your own.  I dont care what happens to you." 

Am in the inquiry of what is my voice, how i want to be in this world, regardless of how someone else is being.  Does that resonate.?

I am responsible that i was enabling, we had income inequality, and i willingly gave him good things he needed:  prescription sun glasses, dentures, medical care.  Things that someone who loved me would give me.  He didnt have to work in the heat.  He could pick and choose which jobs he would take.  I did not think at that time, that i was enabling.  thought i was treating him like i want to be treated.  I had the better paying job.  I have consistant work hx.  He does not, he has hx of drug abuse, twenty five yrs, on and off.  And he is a person who mentors men who want a new way.  I have seen w my own eyes, the lives that he has assisted in changing.  Through all of this, one thing i know:  my Higher Power knows.  That is all i need.  One day at a time.

Thank you all for ypur support on this journey!  j

[Harley Quinn]

We split vet bills.  I dont know how to say, "you are on your own.  I dont care what happens to you." 

If this is your dog as much as it is his, and you wish to contribute to vets bills then that is fair.  It's about the dog's wellbeing.  Your ex will find support somewhere else for his needs and wants however if he doesn't have you providing for him. 

Is he actually on his own juju?  Where is the gf in all of this?  How do you feel about having met his needs financially whilst another woman has the intimate r/s with him?

Am in the inquiry of what is my voice, how i want to be in this world, regardless of how someone else is being.  Does that resonate.?

Can you tell us more about this?  Perhaps in the context of the current situation with your ex?  I'm interested to know what you're arriving at with this at present.  It's certainly a healthy way to consider how you behave.

And he is a person who mentors men who want a new way.  I have seen w my own eyes, the lives that he has assisted in changing.

He knows and teaches others about what it takes to create lasting change.  Yet as long as his current way of getting his needs met works for him, nothing will change regards his behaviour with that.  Is he in treatment for his BPD?

Were you able to identify any of the 10 beliefs that resonated with you juju?  I found that there were a large number of them for myself that were driving my thoughts, feelings and actions.  Knowing what was keeping me stuck helped me to know where to focus.  What do you think that you need to work on right now for yourself?   

Love and light x

[juju2]

I need to work on fully detaching.  Detaching, detaching, detaching.

[Harley Quinn]

OK juju.  That sounds like a firm intention!  Good on you for making a choice that sounds like it will be good for you.  I know it's hard.  It can feel scary to let go and deeply painful.  Sometimes we hold on with all our might because we're afraid of that pain and that is understandable.  At the same time, accepting that short term pain can save a whole lot more pain long term is a point we often reach and that's when we begin the process of fully grieving and healing.  We will take your hand and walk with you.  You are not alone.  Read others' stories on the board and get involved in other discussions.  It helps to see that we're all at different stages in the process and to gain varied perspectives. 

What does detaching look like to you?  What's the current situation and what do you want to do to move towards your goal?

Love and light x