Why does time feel like it's standing still?

[lostandconfused6]

It's only been 48 hours since my pwBPD has said "this is my last text to you we are over" and i haven't heard from him. i feel like im living in my own personal h*ll i just want to hug him and tell him it's going to be ok. I don't want an apology or an explanation i just want him

Everything i said though (before the ghost) was manipulation and i was trying to tear him apart and only get what i want and i'm narcissistic and only stay with him out obsession and desperation

Im sorry i keep posting about this i just don't know what else to do i have never been more lost

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

It's only been 48 hours since my pwBPD has said "this is my last text to you we are over" and i haven't heard from him. i feel like im living in my own personal h*ll i just want to hug him and tell him it's going to be ok. I don't want an apology or an explanation i just want him

Everything i said though (before the ghost) was manipulation and i was trying to tear him apart and only get what i want and i'm narcissistic and only stay with him out obsession and desperation

Im sorry i keep posting about this i just don't know what else to do i have never been more lost

Hi lostandconfused,

Sorry it's taken so long to reply! Hopefully others will join us soon!

Just wanted to say I understand how painful these days and hours are after someone tells us, very believably, things are over. It's scary. They are trying to make us hurt it has been my experience. Keep holding on to your center... .this is a time of not knowing... .but you have us and you have you!

How long does he typically dysregulate for? A few days?

Are there any small nice things you can do for yourself during this time? I know I could barely eat when this would happen. Are you eating okay?

Don't apologize at all!  Keep posting as much as you need to and post on other's threads. It all helps, especially at these dark times.

sending you big hugs, pearl.   

[lostandconfused6]

thank you so much for your replies Pearl.

To be completely honest he has done this to me 2 other times 1 was about a year and a half ago (which was about 8 months into our relationship and before BPD was ever brought up) when he went on a trip with his family to mexico and after 4 days with them (they have a terrible dynamic) he just lost it and completely cut me off it was about 5 days later i went to his work... .i couldn't deal with it anymore and we started talking again and eased back into things. then again in may of last year i caught him talking to the other girl... .he completely lost it when i confronted him went about 4 days of no contact i sent him some coins he had been wanting with a letter a day after he received them he texted me

as far as other dysregulations usually a few hours maybe half a day at the most

unfortunately all i have to do is work this week then i run home to take care of my son and get him to all his sports... .that's another thing my son keeps asking about him and idk what to say and i know if i mention it at all (even in an unanswered text) to my PWBPD i will be seen as using him to manipulate

i haven't eaten or slept since Friday when this started... .i texted 2 times today told him i loved him and i'm here for him if and when he is ready to talk or if he needs anything and once was a little quote... .i am trying so hard not to do to much

we were making so much effort and progress these last few weeks that's why i am so confused

i want to write him and apologize if i made it look like i would ever be ok without him (i think the pic i sent him fri night of me and my friend is what triggered him) but idk if that's a good idea or not

[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused,

As someone has who has been there many times, I'm gonna ask you to please eat something, even if it is small, okay? You need to eat and sleep so you can maintain some decent brain function!

I say this, again, because I've been there. Every time he'd leave I'd lose 5-7 lb's very quickly and then gain it back with a little extra. It really messed with me and is no way to live. I would wait too long to eat and then it would really hurt my insides. I never had issues with food in my life until all this happened last year. I am still physically recovering from this kind of thing. Please, if not for you, eat for your son, so you can do your best for him.  Please.  

If you like we can talk about what to eat or how to get your appetite back, but you're not alone in this! 

I know it hurts, it feels like you may have said or done something wrong and you might lose him. I was there and it is chilling to even remember it... .But I want you to know this... .do not second guess yourself. You simply won't know until he is willing to say and he may or may not know himself what set him off. It is a mystery of the universe for now, so just gently set it down for now, and keep setting it down each time it pops back up. These are just thoughts.

When my thoughts get to be too much I remind myself of this "Thoughts are clouds, and mind is sky." When you hear these worries in your head see them as clouds in the sky... .and just watch them drift past, over and over, but do not grasp onto the clouds.

When your son asks you can just say he is with his family for the week? Would that work?

Keep in mind, nothing you say can bring him back before he's ready and chasing him, or contacting him too much may make matters worse. His emotions are riding high and until they come back to base we won't know he wants.

I hear ya, I always wrote or called in those times to, but I tried to at least do it minimally. If you have do it, keep it minimal. Talk it out with us here! You think you gave him the impression you could have fun without him and he felt abandoned somehow?

take care, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

i just sat down with my son before he went to bed and ate some yogurt and fruit with him he was sick today and i had given him some pedialyte and i drank some too... .

We don't live together so thankfully he doesn't expect to see him everyday, i told him he is really sick and he said oh ok i hope he feels better... .my son is so sweet and innocent and it kills me... .i went to my closet and cried.

I like the cloud analogy i'm going to try to keep that in mind

on friday I feel like i did because of his words... .we were having normal convo he was saying i love you and all that  then i sent a pic of me and my friend and he said "that's not fun to me im hoping you realize you had more fun before and without me" "just have fun i don't want to ruin your night you aren't crying that's good" i said nothung looks better without you i love you and your attitude is scaring me we were getting to a good place you were putting in effort and so was i and its like it alll went away he said "it is gone i'll let you have as much time as you need to figure it out" "it does no good to discuss this with you i think what you have is a little more sinister than selective stupidity i'll remain silent leave me alone you'll see me tomorrow and i'll act how i want you don't own me good night"

then it continued into all that other stuff on saturday that was in my previous post and i feel like me not getting to my phone right away saturday when he arrived at the hotel almost "confirmed" that i was ok without him and i was to busy for him

[pearlsw]

hi lostandconfused,

this is tough stuff. you remind me, i noticed too that i had to deal with extinction bursts when i followed the advice of some here and set boundaries. it was always hard to know what to do, or at least i felt this way, because he is undiagnosed and to me... .well i feel like depression or PTSD may call for different responses than BPD traits. I dunno, and I won't pretend to say which approach would work for your situation. I feel like a combination of what my natural instincts are, plus what I read here, is what was best for me. After all, I also have to live with my choices and the consequences of my actions.

My hunch is that his abandonment fears got triggered and I think you sense that too. So, he initiated the "push", the pushing away of you, to make sure he hurt you/got away in response to him feeling hurt. You did not do anything per se, and you simply cannot avoid these situations every time. It can be a perfect storm of things, something is bothering him, he can't regulate his emotions well, and maybe you say or do something that for him is upsetting, and being unable to handle it, his negative behaviors come out. But you are not to blame. An adult without these issues could handle differences and communicate in a healthy way. He has serious health issues.

I don't know. I watch these boards and I feel like I see the guys coming back more than the women do, but that may be an unfounded hunch. But I tell ya, no matter how many times I thought it was over, was threatened with divorce, dragged to a divorce lawyer, here we are - not divorced and him "crazy" in love.

Of course, the scary part is it could be the end this time. I know I'm cruising along here after a pretty good week and if we make it to two good weeks I'll be even more confident things are "normal", but then they won't be, again.

Please, stay strong for your little one and for you. We'll just keep taking this a day at a time as we get through this crisis!

take good care, pearl. 

[lostandconfused6]

Mine is diagnosed, but he will not get help... .every other day it's a dif reason why but he surely is quick to research and "knows" certain things happen because he's borderline. Part of me wishes he would do some research and realize what he did now is partly or completely because of BPD and snap out of it

Is there any way or anything  i can do to get him to see that i know what happened and try to make him see it too? Also that i'm not going anywhere?

im trying my best to stay strong, i am off of work tomorrow i am going to try to use it to rest and regroup and get some personal things done. Hopefully it will be a little reset for me

So many of my friends are inviting me to do things but i don't want to and also if he is "watching" i refuse to give him even more of a false idea that i am ok without him

[lostandconfused6]

he contacted me today he sent me 16 screenshots of someones response to a question on Quora, "is it a good idea to date someone that has BPD?" not sure if i can post a link to it here  but i will if i'm allowed... .let me know... .it was about marilyn monroes 2 husbands

then followed it with i was with arthur miller he said "against my better judgement i felt like you were my Arthur Miller... .if that makes sense... .you shouldn't have to convince someone they have problems... .i knew i did and to hear it from you and the other things it was really hard to handle and i guess not to play into what was expected me... .

honestly idk what he means i told him im sorry and this is a leraning process for both of us i started seeing a new therapist 3 weeks to find out what i'm doing that could be wrong and why i do it please don't give up on me like this... .he said " my name... .i'm busy" i said "will you talk to me later" he said "i'll try"

i still don't understand why this is coming out of the blue i can honestly 100% say i am not  perfect i try my best i am learning just like he is... .things change daily with him and i try to adpat and i don't feel like i should be left for those reasons am i wrong for thinking that? and its like it isnt even in the realm of what he said to me friday and saturday

Things have been good with us for the last couple of months that's why i dont get this  how shoulsd i proceed from here?

[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused,

I think Arther Miller was loving towards MM right? He understood her and protected her like no one else. I'd take that as a compliment.

Have you been trying to convince him he has BPD? Are you saying this to him at times during disagreements?

In a way this sounds better than last Friday/Saturday if I am reading correctly. Sounds like he is grappling with the illness, with how he sees himself. It is and isn't about you, perhaps.

Take this time now to reread stuff on the site. There is stuff about not talking to a person about their BPD, Radical Acceptance, Being a Caregiver, all of that could give you some perspective and prepare for the next conversations as they come.

Being An Emotional Caregiver

Supporting Your BPD Partner

Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

Radical Acceptance

Sounds like he does want to talk to you, he’s just trying to pull himself together.

with compassion, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

Apparently he was really good to her but he had written in his diary that he was disappointed  in her sometimes and she would embarrass him in front of his friends and that hurt her when she found out... .

i have never tried to convince him of it... .it has actually been a little over a year since he came to me with the thought that he might have it... .begged me not to give up on him and since then i am VERY careful not to mention it or blame things on it but he does, quite often actually. My biggest problem? ,i guess you would call it, is me asking him to many questions and me pushing a little to much when i express things i want or need... .i keep re reading what he sent and i think he meant that i criticize him to much... .i feel his detention of criticism is scewed a bit... .i will say something like oh ok i didn't know that why didn't you mention that before? and all heck will break loose and he will tell me he's sick of my criticism... .i feel like im being punished for his lack of ability to comprehend things... .but i stay because i love him and now it doesn't even matter... .i didn't know BPD would be in our relationship and i've tried to learn and do as much as i can since finding out about it... .it's not like i had time to prepare

I'm not sure if it's better or worse than fri/sat honestly... .it's like a completely different scenario now? he has told me multiple times i'm the only one that cares enough to learn about BPD and to try to help him and be there for him

i'm far from perfect and this is a learning process for both of us i don't want to be thrown away because i don't do every single thing right... .he is untreated and i feel that is a huge problem... .he sits here googling and reading quora all day but won't take a couple hours a week to go to a therapist

i wouldn't dare say this to him because i don't even know how to begin to phrase in a good way but i feel like i deserve credit for all the time and effort i put in to this and all the crap i've been put through... .instead i feel like i am being tossed to the side like some piece of crap that caused all these problems in his life... .no one in his life has even come close to doing half as much as i have for him or been there for him

should i text him again today and jsut let him know i'm here? or should i leave it be and just hope he decides to take time to talk to me soon... .i think he has a test today at school so i'm def avoiding texting him until after

[Radcliff]

Hello lostandconfused6, it's been a while.    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, and am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling.  Don't be too hard on yourself, or second guess things like whether you should have returned a text faster.  You are compassionate and caring beyond measure.  You are navigating this situation as well as anyone possibly could.

That's wonderful that your friends are inviting you out.  Go.  Enjoy their support.  You need time with them, and need to stay connected to them.  It's a false trade to think that isolating yourself will improve your relationship with him.  If anything, you'll be teaching him that it's OK, for you to have no connections to anyone besides him.  That is not OK.  If he wants to spend time with you, all he has to do is ask!

This is a very, very tough situation for you to be in.  Every bit of you wants to reach out to him, to tell him how much you care for him, how much you love him.  The problem with this is that if he pushes you away for a small reason, and you respond with a big show of love and need for him, then you are inadvertently rewarding his pushing behavior.  The most successful tactic is a just slightly warmer than neutral stance towards him.  Tell him you love him and look forward to seeing him, that if he contacts you you'll be giddy and will give him a big kiss and hug, but it seems like he wants some space now, and you respect that.  Then give it a few days.  Midweek, you could say something like "I don't have any plans this weekend, it'd be great to see you, let me know if you want to do something," then don't send anything else until after the weekend. Have we talked about this before?  If so, I'm probably boring you with repetition!  It's totally counterintuitive, but it works.  And if you can manage it, it will be difficult, but it's less crazymaking than torturing yourself constantly with how to get him to reconnect.

WW

[lostandconfused6]

Thank you so much for your reply WentWorth your insight is always refreshing!

I just feel so lost right now i am trying my hardest not to text or call to much i left him alone yesterday (i knew he had a test)

He texted our mutual friend last night (who he met through me) and was talking about how well he did on his test... .this is out of the ordinary for him the whole 2.5 years we have been together he has only texted this friend (it's a male) maybe 3 or 4 times and it was regarding the gym or guns not just chit chat... .do you think he could possibly be reaching out for some advice or guidance? but won't flat out ask for it?

My friend said he isn't bringing anything up about us right away since it is fresh but he said he is going to tip toe into it so he doesn't scare him off, and i respect and understand that... .our friends mom has BPD unfortunately she is untreated so he has seen how serious this can get.

[pearlsw]

Apparently he was really good to her but he had written in his diary that he was disappointed  in her sometimes and she would embarrass him in front of his friends and that hurt her when she found out... .

Hi lostandconfused6,

I tend to listen to Wentworth on this stuff, when/how to contact or not. He guided me a lot last year and was always pretty thoughtful about stuff. While I didn't always agree 100%, I had to go with my own gut sometimes, I did always appreciate his insights on how to walk through these phases and keep yourself intact.

So, it sounds like he felt criticized? I suppose that goes with the territory with emotionally sensitive folks. My SO heard me make a compliment about someone the other day and he turned into me criticizing something about him. I wasn't. I wasn't thinking about him at all, I was just complimenting someone else. I explained this to him carefully and he took it well. I have to admit he seemed jealous and I was not 100% in the mood for that, but got lucky that he understood and moved on, didn't make a bigger issue out of it.

While his reaction seems extreme, do you think there is anything to his feeling criticized on this?

So sorry for all the pain you are experiencing now!

warmly, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

I re read the screen shots he sent to me about 1500 times and i am going to insert a part of it on here to see if you can help me make sense of it if you don't mind? The question was "Is it a big no to get involved with someone that has BPD?"

I would say, it depends on whether you are Joe DiMaggio or Arthur Miller. I mention both of these very different men because they were both husbands of Marilyn Monroe.

Arthur Miller though a great play right full of intellectual insight and heart and though he did love Monroe deeply and was with her for almost 5 years, emerged from the experience put off and put out and traumatized. He wrote a play about it called, “after the fall,” which was not the most compassionate portrait of Monroe. Miller was able much much later in his life to say that at rock-bottom Marilyn Monroe came from a place of being a severely abused child and that there is a certain way that abused children act And that is how Marilyn Monroe behaved. And Miller stated this with intellectual insight and a teeny bit of compassion.

Arthur Miller used Marilyn’s fame to stop him from being blacklisted as a communist and wrote very impatient judge mental and critical things about her in his diary at the beginning of their marriage which she found and which caused her to de value him so he had the experience of living in a place of being devalued and he also first-hand live in proximity to her suicide attempts and drug addiction and lashing out in a way that Joe DiMaggio never did. So yes it kind of depends on the kind of person you are and how you internalize experience and it also kind of depends on what kind of journey the borderline person is having while you sre walking alongside them .


to answer your question, after a lot of self reflection, the thing that i can see that he takes as criticism that can come across like that is when i say things like "you told me last week you wouldn't do that anymore" or "you said before that you didn't mean ____ did something change?"

but then he admits he knows he has problems so why are you going to take it out on me when you know 1 of your problems isn't keeping your word? Do i just let him run all over me? I am trying to figure out how to handle and approach this that's why i'm in therapy but i feel like it may be to late and im scared

[pearlsw]

to answer your question, after a lot of self reflection, the thing that i can see that he takes as criticism that can come across like that is when i say things like "you told me last week you wouldn't do that anymore" or "you said before that you didn't mean ____ did something change?"

but then he admits he knows he has problems so why are you going to take it out on me when you know 1 of your problems isn't keeping your word? Do i just let him run all over me? I am trying to figure out how to handle and approach this that's why i'm in therapy but i feel like it may be to late and im scared

Hi lostandconfused,

I think instead of "you" statements you want to switch yourself over to "I" statements. You statements can sound like blaming or criticism and are really to be avoided. With a non you might be able to make such mistakes and work it out with some cooperation and a desire to improve, or not. With an emotionally sensitive person it can get much worse in my experience. I think they tend to have a lot of self-loathing, or my SO does at least, and I accidentally step on it sometimes.

How about saying something like "I need you to do this." or "I feel bad when I need something done, but it doesn't get done." Even just using the passive can take some of the sting out of things. Using "I" makes it about you.

When my SO forgets the garbage I'll just say "[Term of endearment], the garbage is getting full. It would be a good time to take it out if you can." Instead of saying, "You didn't take out the garbage, I've already asked 2 times!"

Oh yeah, I think it was Joe DiMaggio who loved her quite a lot. Well, just take the insights off of this stuff, but I'd redirect my SO from such a comparison, in a fun way if I could. He's made the comparison, noted, message received, but time to work on you two instead, looking for every opportunity to be a team when possible. I framed as it being him and I against the illness, and not "I'm healthy, and blame free, and you have an illness and ruin everything." (Not saying you do that!)

take care, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

i have tried the "i" statements and he says things like "you you you that's all you care about you don't give a crap about what i want" then i just sit there lost and silent because i'm scared to say or do anything else... .i feel like im in a lose lose situation a lot that's why the statement he made at the end of the screenshots he sent me really confused and hurt me

i may have phrased that incorrectly i know i'm not blameless... .im not sure how to say it... .i guess just confused as to how he recognizes he has a problem, doesn't get help for it knows it's getting worse, but then basically tells me that he's mad at me because he knows he has the problem and comes to me with it? idk... .im sorry i'm just all over the place

[pearlsw]

i have tried the "i" statements and he says things like "you you you that's all you care about... .

i may have phrased that incorrectly i know i'm not blameless... .i with it? idk... .im sorry i'm just all over the place

Hi lostandconfused,

Sorry you are feeling so hurt!

Sorry to keep sending tools your way when you may just need some hugs!    

But was just looking at this one and I think it could help: 3 Minute Lesson On Ending Conflict

I would say that you have a lot of expectations around his behavior and it your expectations that are causing you pain. One day my SO might recognize he has an illness, one day he might not, consistency is not something he can do. Let go of the messages your brain is giving you, this expectation of logic, and just sit with the compassion you have towards him for the tough spot he is in, and you for yours. How might you feel if you had an illness you couldn't comprehend very well?

What will you do if he cannot accept your way of looking at his health issues? (That may never happen.)

compassionately, pearl.

p.s. I'm not without blame either. I could be in the other room doing a "repair" on a problem that popped up. I tried twice already and that is all I can for today. I'll try again tomorrow when I'm in a better frame of mind.

[lostandconfused6]

don't be sorry for sending tools they are very helpful and much appreciated.

I guess my expectations come from things i have seen him do and things he promises he will do then when i get let down i get upset... .i would feel terrible if i had an illness i couldn't comprehend, it throws me off because he comes across like he has it at least some what figured out he will even come to me when calm and say things like " i know i treat you bad and i'm sorry i am working on it" then the next chance he has to show a sign of improvement it doesn't happen... .

When all this took place though we were genuinely in a better place i think that's what is leaving me so confused... .

i don't need him to see it my way exactly, i just want him to get help that he says he needs... .

He texted our mutual friend last night (who he met through me) and was talking about how well he did on his test... .this is out of the ordinary for him the whole 2.5 years we have been together he has only texted this friend (it's a male) maybe 3 or 4 times and it was regarding the gym or guns not just chit chat... .do you think he could possibly be reaching out for some advice or guidance? but won't flat out ask for it?

[lostandconfused6]

well he contacted me and told me that what i did last weekend (being with our friends) showed him that i put him 2nd and i am happier with my old life and i hurt him

he said nothing i did in the past matters and i am no good for him and i don't care... .he won't listen to anythung i have to say... .

i don't know what do... .is there anything i can do?

[pearlsw]

well he contacted me and told me that what i did last weekend (being with our friends) showed him that i put him 2nd and i am happier with my old life and i hurt him

he said nothing i did in the past matters and i am no good for him and i don't care... .he won't listen to anythung i have to say... .

i don't know what do... .is there anything i can do?

It is just the dynamic of my relationship, but I am a bit of the emotional leader. I know last year when we'd hit these breaking point moments I'd give grand speeches rallying him back to the relationship - offering love, support, giving him a strong sense I was there for him until I somehow said enough words to him, he'd break, give in, and return to me.

It was exhausting and I don't have it in my anymore. I had my reasons at the time, but if you make this a long term practice, and I am speaking only as a peer here, others may disagree, but you'd be feeding a blackhole.

I'd say to have longer conversations when he is receptive to the message, and when not keep it shorter. How many times do you wan to "prove" your love to him? You've said it right? He's not number two, he's number one, right?

I think he is listening, he is just in a lot of pain, thinks you are the cause, and is pushing you away to avoid the pain.

In my case, I taught him he can come to me when he feels bad and I will comfort him and calmly talk to him, and that if I am mad at him it is not the end of the world - we can be "friends again". I also learned that he needs me to pursue him a bit at times, or at the least go check on him and try to offer him comfort until he comes around. I had to do this twice yesterday, but it didn't work. We'll see what happens when he wakes up - if the weekend is ruined or not, if I get a divorce threat, who knows.

take care, pearl.

[pearlsw]

it throws me off because he comes across like he has it at least some what figured out he will even come to me when calm and say things like " i know i treat you bad and i'm sorry i am working on it" then the next chance he has to show a sign of improvement it doesn't happen... .

When all this took place though we were genuinely in a better place i think that's what is leaving me so confused... .
 do you think he could possibly be reaching out for some advice or guidance? but won't flat out ask for it?

I've been in this spot many times. You are not with a non, but you still have expectations as if you are it seems. I hear ya, I do at times too! I expect him to learn, and be logical and reasonable, I thought that was what I was getting with dating an engineer, but nope. Imagine all the messages he's hearing in his brain. Think of how your own thoughts come at you. His emotional volume is set even higher, and is more extreme, black and white, and as he sorts it all out it says "push her away."

I'd calmly and firmly let him know he is first, you are there for him, and you feel you are good for him because you love him and want to understand him and then it rest. Validate that he feels hurt, and anyone would feel hurt. Don't deny him his feelings. (I used to make this mistake a lot. I was being too logical, thinking "you shouldn't feel this way because I didn't mean X that way, so don't feel that way." That is invalidating.

take care, pearl.

[Radcliff]

lostandconfused6,

Can you give us an example of an area where he is letting you down and not keeping a commitment?  Having a specific example to work through could help.

Have you heard of the book, The High Conflict Couple, by Fruzetti?  He is a BPD expert, but the book doesn't say anything about BPD.  I know of at least one member who read it with her partner, though that may not work out for everyone.  You might find value in reading it; it's all about establishing better communications when at least one of the people has BPD.

I just saw in one of your other threads that he made some very scary, violent threats when he was raging a week or so ago.  This is not something to ignore, though every bit of you may want to ignore it and hope it never happens again.  I'm not saying he'll be violent, but hearing these kinds of threats takes an incredibly heavy toll, and they must stop.  What do you think you might do if that ever happens again?

WW

[lostandconfused6]

WW

Telling me he is going to communicate with me more and not being late. Also, communicating and not assuming things or taking things i say and twisting them around.

I know i have said this, sorry for repeating, but i have started seeing a new therapist that has the right credentials to help someone that has BPD and also someone that has a loved one that has BPD. I don't do everything right but i am learning and doing all that i can to be what i need to be to help him and support him. It's hard for me when an answer is glaringly obvious on how to do something or what to do not to push my advice on him. I ask myself all the time how can someone be so smart but can't handle these simple things? Then i have to remind myself he isn't a non and he can't/doesn't see things the way i do.

I actually downloaded it on to my kindle and haven't had the chance to start it, i will do that tonight. Thank you for reminding me.

If he was to ever threaten me again i would simply walk away for an amount of time then try to talk to him later when he is calm and see what he has tp say about it then go from there

[lostandconfused6]

Pearl thank you for your replies they are greatly appreciated sorry it took so long to get back to you

I emailed him saturday in the early afternoon it was a rather lengthy email telling him how i understand what i did made him feel and i apologized again and told him i love him and i'm here for him and anytime he needs me he can call or text me, we can talk about day to day stuff without even bringing this up i can be the friend and listener that i always have been for him

he emailed back later that evening and said you need "you need to let me figure this out i need to figure out when my emotions are ok and when they aren't... .who deserves them and who doesn't... .then maybe... .when i can trust myself enough to know that i'm not giving feeling to people who will use it against me... .i'll feel comfortable with not making every emotion i express violence and anger... .i know you don't want to hear this but you are one of my triggers... .that's why i need to figure this out" 

What are your thoughts on what he could mean by this? it upsets me because i know in my heart and in my head i have done everything i can to show him i deserve the best that he is capable of being, but because of all these other crap people (mostly his family) that have ulterior motives and guilt him into stuff i get grouped with them... .and it makes me upset... .why are you going to push away the only person (by his own admission) that has shown and proven to him that i genuinely care and love him... .if he did this to anyone else in his life they would just walk away and not care... .

i replied back and said i understand and i am here for you... .(i prob shouldn't have done this but it's done) i said please don't only think about the bad we were in a better place and i know we can get back there and be even better i'm here for you and i love you and i care about you no matter what day or time it is i'll be here i apologize again for last weekend... .i hope to hear from you soon

this prob sounds weird but i haven't checked my email to see if he sent anything back yet i am scared... .i feel like i am in a daze and i don't know if i can handle any bad or upsetting stuff

[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused,

I read your last reply above here and feel like I could have written myself last fall, word for word, all the way to not even being able to read the reply! I know how confusing this is and how much it hurts.

It's sad and painful to hear, but yes, you are a trigger and probably the best support he has in life. I have been exactly in that spot. I know it makes you feel sad, but try in time to get to a place of acceptance with it. That is a feature of such relationships, part of the pain and sadness of it all. You not wanting to be a trigger and meaning well does not take it away. A feature of BPD is the inability to have stable relationships. Us being close can set off their emotional sensitivity. This is truly tragic, in my book, for all involved. We can only do our best with this tough set of circumstances.

Sounds like he needs time and he wants to handle his emotions himself. That is okay. My SO could get himself back to baseline, he didn't need me pushing, he could manage it. I just let him know he was safe to come back any time and did not need to crawl.

I know it is excruciating to wait and not be sure if you still have a relationship. The dust will settle on this though. It will.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Radcliff]

He emailed back later that evening and said you need "you need to let me figure this out i need to figure out when my emotions are ok and when they aren't.... .who deserves them and who doesn't... .then maybe... .when i can trust myself enough to know that i'm not giving feeling to people who will use it against me... .i'll feel comfortable with not making every emotion i express violence and anger... .i know you don't want to hear this but you are one of my triggers... .that's why i need to figure this out" 

What are your thoughts on what he could mean by this? it upsets me because i know in my heart and in my head i have done everything i can to show him i deserve the best that he is capable of being, but because of all these other crap people (mostly his family) that have ulterior motives and guilt him into stuff i get grouped with them... .and it makes me upset... .

Wow, it must be so frustrating when he's talking like this, because it comes out in ways that are hurtful to you, but I think I see a glimmer of something good.  In the text I highlighted, it seems like he's asking for space to resolve his emotions when he feels out of control.  :)o you think there's a possibility that you're pulling on him when he might best be left alone to sort out his emotions?  Might you want to even validate this behavior?  Let me know what you think, because I may or may not have enough context to understand.

You mentioned that he disappoints you when he is late.  This certainly sounds like it could be upsetting.  Are you referring to when he is late for things that don't involve you, or late to do things with you?  (Somehow I suspect you'll say "both"   )  If the activity has nothing to do with you, leave it alone completely.  He owns it.  :)on't even be associated with it or make a single comment.  Let him experience the consequences.

If he's being late for things with you, that's a tougher one.  It can feel really bad.  And it communicates disrespect.  But he may not have the maturity to get better at it.  You can certainly validate the heck out of him when he's on time, or even if he moves in the right direction.  I once saw a news show about partners of people who were chronically late.  Many of them just learned to accept it.  How you feel about it matters a lot, though.  You shouldn't accept something unless you can be at peace with it, otherwise it will eat at you.  What is a lateness situation that bothers you the most?

On the communication thing, that certainly sounds like it would be disappointing.  It's natural to want a close connection, to want your SO to make you feel like you're a steady part of their life.  Tell us more about that.  How would you like him to communicate more, and how have you tried to get what you want?

WW

[lostandconfused6]

WW and Pearl,

I am so sorry for the delayed response between work, my son, and all that has been going on with my BPDbf ihave been in sort of a daze

We had a good end to the week we text thursday and he said he wants to be with me and nothing is changing with us except losing the title "gf/bf"  he came and saw me at my job friday and told me he knows i'm it for him and he wants to be a better him for me and i have proven myself to him and he knows he wants to eventually marry me he is just in a really bad place right now and knows he needs to get help... .i texted him friday night and said i just had a couple questions about what exactly this means and he said we would talk on Saturday that i would be seeing him... .fast forward to Saturday we went out had a good time at a national arcade chain that recently opened in our city went and drove around the city talked about what had happened with the weekend trip that started all this he said he takes blame he got an idea in his head and he ran with it and realized it wasn't true and he over reacted and he knows he needs to work on him impulsiveness and raging and over thinking then we get to where my car is and he explains to me why we have ot take the title and i told him i don't agree with it and i wish he would talk to someone before he makes that decision but in the mean time i will respect it he said the title puts extra pressure and obligation on him that he doesn't need right now and he needs to get help to get back to the person he is and not the person the mistakes he made with us turned him into. i told him a title is important to me and if nothing is changing with us then why do i have to lose the title and i said i feel like this is all on his terms and there is no room for compromise... .all of a sudden he said get out of my car i want to leave get out of my car and kept saying it over and over... .

we were having such a good talk and had so much understanding i wasn't on my toes and instead of validating what he was saying i just kept asking why and i know i should have shut up sooner... .well i texted him 30 min after he left me and i got no response this was around 3am and still today nothing... .i apologized immediately for what i did and validated his feelings and told him how much fun i had and how i appreciated the effort he was making and it gave me new hope for us and i understand where he is coming from and i'm sorry i didn't process things fast enough and i let my emotions get the better of me in those 5 minutes and i didn't think clearly and told him he has every right to be mad i apologized again and told him that night was one of the most fun nights we had in a very long time

idk what to do now... .this time feels worse than the last because there was no yelling, no name calling, no warning just silence... .and i'm more scared than before... .he hasn't blocked my texts or phone number... .so i don't know... .he has a test tuesday so i was going to wait to reach out to him after that and just let him know again i'm sorry and i still appreciate Saturday night and the time he took to see me on Friday and the flowers he brought me... .  and that i am here for him and i will be no matter what... .

what do ya'll think? is there anything else i can do? i think we jsut talked about to much emotional stuff for to long and that it got the best of both of us... .does that sound logical? will he realize that eventually?

[Radcliff]

lostandconfused6, it's good to hear from you.  No worries on the delay, we're here whenever you want support.

Something important just happened.  You were advocating for something that was important to you.  He got uncomfortable, lost his cool, threw you off balance, and now you've forgotten what's important to you and are scrambling to figure out ways to soothe him and make him feel all better.  Wow, think about what that teaches him -- "If I'm emotionally uncomfortable, I can act out, and the thing that is making me uncomfortable (her needs) goes away, and she'll make me feel better."  The fact that he was not yelling may actually mean that your problem has gotten worse -- instead of losing his cool, he may be getting conscious of the fact that he can just push you away and throw you off balance to distract you from your needs.

Do you see that pattern?  It's deeply ingrained, and you've been struggling with it for a while, so I don't want to make it sound like this is something you should be able to nail easily.  This is tough stuff.  Are you willing to give it a try to break the pattern?  To do that, you need to take away the reward, which is you scrambling to make him feel better.  (Random book reference -- check out The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhig, one of those authors who takes social science research and packages it into an easy-to-read book.  The book is about how habits form and are changed, and it has direct bearing on your situation).

Don't beat yourself up for what happened in the car.  You have needs, you were expressing them.  Sure, you might have been more artful and deferred some of the conversation for another day.  You can try to play it differently next time.

For this time, you need to make sure not to fall all over yourself to make it better.  Give him a warm, honest apology taking responsibility for your 50% of the situation.  Something about how it was a wonderful day, and you're sorry for carrying a serious topic too far at the end of a long day when it would have been nicer to just enjoy the glow of the day.  Apologize once.  Then give him some space and let him close the gap.  Consciously remind yourself that he owns half of this.  He "ought" to have been able to field your concern in the car in a mature way, and set a limit on conversation respectfully if he needed to, without acting out.  I'm not saying to expect an apology that won't come, but be mindful of his ownership so you don't lay it all on yourself.

Back to your needs.  He wouldn't listen to your feelings on the gf/bf title.  It's important for you to be heard on that.  Can you tell us with as much detail as possible what the gf/bf title means to you?  Tell us what you would have told him if he was receptive, and anything else you'd like to say.

WW

[lostandconfused6]

I am so sorry for the delayed response! I have been so busy with my son, work, therapy and just tryin to deal with whatever me and PWBPD are right now... .

He texted me the night before his test and told me he appreciates me letting him handle his test because he knows that's what i'm doing, i had texted him the day before and told him if he just needs time until after his test to pleas tell me... .of course he didn't but what ever , i texted back told him you;re welcome and i apologize again... .he called me the next day after his and explained himself and said he didn't have anything nice to say so he didn't want to say anything at all and he didn't want to deal with the "drama" i asked him if there is a next time this happens to please just tell me that he needs a few hours or a day and he said he will... .hopefully it doesn't happen again but we will see

We have been hanging out but he still refuses to sleep over :/ says i will be getting my title back soon, but of course has yet to do anything that he says he wanted to when he doesn't have a title so idk i am trying not to push right now but this is hard on me... .my therapist is really helping me with boundaries and also gave me a very useful and educational paper on "fighting fair" that he told me to share with my PWBPD and i showed it to him and he agreed with all of it... .of course the other night when he could have used the tools on it he didn't he went right to saying mean things because i said something he didn't like but he got over it quickly

he also said yesterday he realizes he needs to get help (which he has yet to even try to do) because he isn't just holding himself back without it he's holding me and us back as a couple without it... .that actually meant a lot to me and he seemed sincere but then again still no action behind it

the reason the title is so important to me is because it's a respect thing to me it is a sign of commitment and being serious about me and us as a couple and our future... .no matter if he says there is no one else or nothing is changing not having that title leaves a lot of instability and open ends... .and i feel at this point the less "what ifs" and instability in his life the better

i am about to make another post regarding something he said today that sort of struck a nerve with me and i'm not sure how to approach it or what to say so i am hoping to get some help with it

and thank you again for your reply i always appreciate it!

[Radcliff]

Good to hear from you, lostandconfused6.  I'm glad you've had some good discussions with him.  I see your other post here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327319.0

and will meet you over there.

WW