I was married for nearly 12 years before we had a child, married for 15 years when the marriage imploded, divorce final at 18 years. I too was thrown under the bus. Still am, despite me now having full custody and the passage of another decade. I just Accept What IS.
At first I was concerned Post-Partum Depression (PPD) was my ex's problem. However, it's gone on for 16 years. A behavior and perception pattern that long term is probably something else. A personality disorder/dysfunction makes more sense.
Understand that church does not provide legal advice. Now you're away from the home and how is your parenting?
Unless you're a Bad Man, you as father have a right to parent your children too. Without a court case and court order, police and other professionals will let your spouse dictate whatever.
There was one period, three months, between temp orders when she totally blocked my father-child contact. It was the closest I came to risking my safety. I had the presence of mind to ask the police to accompany me so I could see my preschooler. They refused, telling me I had to wait for a court order in hand before they would help. However, when I asked what they would do if I went to see him alone and she called then, they said they'd come rushing. Well, my fear of risking arrest protected me from Gifting her an excuse to frame me as an aggressor. But those were most certainly dark days for me.
Trying to avoid the adversarial approach of court by choosing mediation instead is usually doomed to failure when the ex is so entitled and has blacklisted you. You can't force someone to reason or be reasonable simply by negotiation. She was "in possession" of a baby and that is hard to tackle even in court.
What happened with me is that the court asked my local CPS to determine whether I was a danger to my child. At that first hearing I attended after my ex asked for protection, the CPS rep stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me. Yes, every future allegation was investigated dutifully if it was seen as potentially 'actionable' but in time it became evident her scary bark was more or less toothless. Those early years were hard but I survived.
About your current level visitation. Her blocking contact with the kids ought to be viewed as virtually unconscionable. How so? Unless you are seen by the professionals and court as a risk to your child , whether risk of child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment, then you ought to be able to have a "normal" parenting schedule with substantive parenting time including regular overnights.
