Adult Children of Parents w/ BPD but Mainly Experienced It Later in Life?

[RJ2018]

First of all, I want to say how nice it is to see a pretty strong online presence specifically for adult children of parents with BPD. Offline, I've attended NAMI support groups and classes mainly because of my mother who is undiagnosed but I strongly feel suffers from BPD (possibly along with a few other mental-health conditions), and I've found it to be pretty uncommon to meet fellow adult children in this situation (many who attend these classes and meetings are usually parents of children with BPD or their spouses suffer from it) OR even those whose loved ones suffer from BPD versus other conditions (it's seemed like many or even most attendees' loved ones suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, and/or Depression).

That said, one additional category I've noticed is even harder to come across -- certainly in books but even online, in articles, on message boards, etc. -- is adult children who have been abused by their parent who has BPD but mainly since adulthood or maybe late-adolescence. I notice that nearly every adult child who has a parent with BPD has experienced its negative and extreme effects for most of their lives -- well into their childhood.

For my brother and I, we actually had a great childhood and my mom had seemed pretty normal growing up -- at least to us. She always seemed loving, fun, helpful, attentive, kind, giving, selfless and self-sacrificing, and just firm and disciplinary enough for healthy parenting. The tricky part here is, looking back at her certain interactions and relationships with her peers and various situations in her life (regarding work, where we lived, etc.) at the time, we now believe may have been evidence of the BPD all along. It's just that we didn't really experience its negative side and effects back then. My theory of this is that since, as our single parent (she and our dad had been divorced since I was a toddler, and she'd had full custody of my brother and I since), she was able to have a great amount of control over us, and we were pretty accommodating, low-drama kids. Her word and touch was always golden, and so we for a long time just trusted, went with, and mostly didn't question all of it. Also, she would do a lot of stuff for us -- I believe in retrospect, to our detriment in certain ways. There was a lot we weren't taught to do and had to later learn the hard way as adults, due to her insistence in doing so much for us and for so long... .even in many cases still pressing to once we'd become adults! This has seemed to have a very significant impact on my brother and I as adults, as we've both tended to be very indecisive even with small decisions and have often greatly questioned our decisions and choices, and we think that's because we'd long been programmed (whether intentionally or not) to remember that no decision, choice, or idea is golden if she doesn't have anything to do with it. Nothing will work or work out unless and until she's involved and is able to put her golden touch on it. We've had to consciously get out of that mindset, and it's still, after many years, still a work in progress.

Speaking of which and along those lines, the one closest type of situation from my childhood that I can think of that, even before I began seeing my mom as possibly having BPD, used to bother me as a kid and thinking back on it as an adult was that... .like, I've always been a very creative person, even and especially as a kid. And there were numerous times growing up when I would, for example, have a big project or report I had to do for school, and I would ask my mom for help, and she would just completely take over. I'd want to come up with my own ideas and try to do certain parts of it my way but just with her support and guidance, but whenever I'd begun voicing that, she'd express the attitude of "You either let me/us do it this/my way or you're on your own." So I'd either have to have her sometimes do the project completely or using all of her idea in order to have any of her help or not have any of her help and just fight through the whole thing alone. Sucky options for a kid, and especially a creative one. Whenever I've brought this up to her as an adult, she claims she often had to do that due to being a single parent who worked a lot and didn't have a lot of time for me to do these things more so how I wanted to do them -- she just knew they needed to get done and so doing it that way was what she felt was necessary. :-/

So occurrences like that and other situations with adults and aspects of life that she couldn't control I think were where her BPD symptoms may have shone. But it wasn't until my brother and I were in our late-teens and then eventually in college and since (we're now in our 30s), where we of course sought and found a lot more independence, our own minds, etc. and we of course aren't relying on her nearly as much, that it's been a whoole lot of hell with her. And of course she's also thrown in our faces many, many, maaaaaany times over the years how much she did and sacrificed for us when we were younger and in certain other ways since, implying that we're forever endlessly indebted to her and that she pretty much has a golden ticket to say, do, and get whatever she pleases for the rest of our lives because of it. And this has of course made us question all of the "nice," "giving," and "sacrificing" things she did do for us for all of those years prior -- like if they were really done for the right reasons and if they weren't actually selfish afterall... .like in a certain way, to make her feel better about herself and also feeding tremendously on having two people who really needed her.

We know that her mental struggles are due to a combination of certain genetics (apparently certain family members throughout our trees were either diagnosed with or suspected of various mental conditions), her upbringing (from much of what I've heard from her and others over the years, her father seemed to have been a bit on the at least emotionally and mentally -- and in some cases, when it came to my mom's brothers, physically -- abusive side), and various life struggles and traumas (deaths of her parents and other close loved ones; being a single parent and unmarried again for so long; certain physical accidents or ailments that have occurred and accumulated, and causing certain necessary surgeries, over the years; various financial struggles; etc.). I also feel like it's gotten a lot worse as she's gotten older.

That said, is there any other "adult child" out there who didn't really receive the negativity of your parent's BPD growing up -- whether or not you can now point back to it having still been there -- but more so since you've gotten older? If so, what have been your experiences and observations? Please share! Thanks.

[RJ2018]

... .also feeding tremendously on having two people who really needed and unconditionally adored her.

Wanted to make one little addition (in bold) to one of my statements, and the "Edit" option of my original post has already closed

[Panda39]

That said, one additional category I've noticed is even harder to come across -- certainly in books but even online, in articles, on message boards, etc. -- is adult children who have been abused by their parent who has BPD but mainly since adulthood or maybe late-adolescence. I notice that nearly every adult child who has a parent with BPD has experienced its negative and extreme effects for most of their lives -- well into their childhood... .

Hi RJ218,

This is actually more common than you might think.  I also want to point out that there are differing levels of function with people with BPD so your mom might be more higher functioning than other folks with BPD... .it's a range... .it could go from someone with addiction problems that can't hold a job or have custody of their kids to some very subtle emotional abuse.

At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, as a child you are totally dependent on your parent (with a BPD Parent it can be taken further, into enmeshment) so your dependence makes your BPD parent feel more secure, but as you grow up, become a teen and begin asserting your own independence (which is totally healthy and natural) it can trigger the fear of abandonment and those BPD behaviors that were under wraps or low level before now start appearing more often.  You might see more controlling behaviors or the use of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  When you finally leave the nest and go to college your parent might need to talk to you on the phone everyday or you must go home on weekends, because their fear is so great. 

So as you grow up and separate the Fear of Abandonment becomes stronger in your BPD parent and then the dysfunctional behaviors can escalate as well.

More on Enmeshment/Emotional Incest... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274516.0

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Panda39

[RJ2018]

Thank you so much, Panda39 ! I think exactly what you described is it for my mom. She made my brother and I most of her life and world for so long and heavily thrived on that so much that she may have been higher-functioning with BPD mainly during those years. And once we grew up and became a lot more independent, both in our minds and our overall lives, that was when her functionality in the disorder seemed to decline and worsen.

I really appreciate your stating the reality I described being a lot more common than I've so far seen and experienced within the BPD and overall mental health community.

I've even sometimes felt guilty or even fraudulent when thinking about my experiences with a parent with BPD versus those of what's seemed like most other adult children in this boat. At times questioning, for instance, whether what she's had is even BPD at all or at least maybe thinking I should be grateful that it's only mainly been something I've overtly gone through with her in my older life.

But I know it's still valid and real and things about her that have been noticed and a concern by not only me and my brother but also other family members and even her friends (and I'm sure colleagues). And it's much more consistently caused problems in nearly every facet of her life. So I know I'm not crazy!

But it's also good to know that I may not be as alone in that more specific experience... .as I'd been thinking. So yes, thank you.

[outoftown]

Hello,

This is my first post so my apologies if I've clicked somewhere wrong and messed with the system!

I'm currently 35 and, after the last "go around" with my mother, finally started seeing a mental health worker to see what I could possibly to do in regards to coping strategies as I had/have reached a breaking point.  It was at that time suggested to me that Mom may be undiagnosed BPD so I've been reading up on it.

I feel the same way in that I don't recall my Mom being this way (or at least not this extreme) when I was younger. However, my memories in general are pretty limited and vague although I do know that between my brother and I, I was the "good" child - always did what she said, followed directions to a "T", got good grades, etc. which probably saved me from a lot of backlash at that time - she had a lot of control. Thinking back I wonder how oblivious I am to what my brother went through with her, having been the "bad" child that was unable and/or unwilling to meet her demands.

The comment about being "forever endlessly indebted" really hit home.  I have no idea how many times I have heard about everything she had to sacrifice for me (sometimes followed a few days later by her questioning how bad a mother she was). Being the perpetual problem solver I have offered to pay her back financially a number of times because at one point I thought that the money was the problem... .

I think that things have become increasingly worse in the last 10 years as I finished university and started to build my own life, taking away some of her control over me.  She isn't coping well with the fact that I can make my own choices and that I do not have to be accountable to her. I have other relationships and a house of my own to take care of and I believe that this (compounded by my brother's death and her own number of medical concerns), has left her feeling more abandoned. I am now the only child. Sometimes the "good", sometimes the "bad" and according to her last few texts currently the "thoughtless, heartless, and cold."

I'm hoping that I am in the roughest patch now... .any guidance on which board may be a good one for next steps? I don't want to give up all hope but not sure how many more times to extend the olive branch only to inevitably get it whipped back at me.

Thanks for reading/listening and for sharing your stories!

[Turkish]

outoftown,



Feel free to start a new thread to discuss your specific struggles and where you want to move forward. As you can see,  you are among fellow travelers here 

RJ2018,

Yours is an interesting observation.  When we did at risk youth mentoring,  they told us "you don't know what you don't know." Kids often lack the perspective of experience to see many things.  Sure,  your mom didn't beat you,  for example,  but you still sensed a few things not feeling right. 

I was raised by a single mom,  but I don't recall that she communicated being a Martyr doing so.  Being a martyr in my view is telegraphing the need to feel needed.

Though I have accurate memories of childhood,  things became worse when I was 12 birth due to our living circumstances and me hitting puberty. Years later,  I thought back earlier and realized that my mother's tendency to burn through friends (by Splitting them) wasn't normal. 

[cedarview]

Hello,

Funny you should mention school projects. My uBPD mother was an elementary school teacher for many years and she also often went overboard with school projects, not so much doing them for me but making me sit and write and edit, change things around, go back again and again. She would say that it would reflect negatively back on her if my book report wasn't up to snuff. I remember crying and yelling sometimes with those reports. Kind of narcissistic to boot.

There were definitely times as a young kid that I can remember my mother withholding love when I misbehaved, for example. I also was made to believe that I was very sensitive emotionally and that I would have a hard time without my parents to help me. However, once the dynamic of wife and kids came into the picture, my uBPD mother went off the deep end and has never come back.

Interestingly, the majority of people with BPD actually have a lessening of their symptoms and the severity of their symptoms as they age. They generally sort of mellow out. Unfortunately there also are people with BPD who regress and actually get worse as they get older, and I think my mother is in that category.

It's a good thing that you are in therapy. It also is a good thing that you have a brother who is not only still in your life but understands and is on board with the issue you share with your mother. I know if mine had been a single mother she would be still talking to this day about how much she slaved and sacrificed!

Anyway, BPD parents are a tough nut to crack, and dealing with my uBPD mother and uNPD father has been very difficult for my family to deal with. My wife and I talk about my parents every single day and we are both in therapy. It continues to be therapeutic to talk openly and often about our troubles because it seems the uBPD would prefer to keep things "private" (that way they can really put the screws to their target LOL).

I wish you and your brother the very best in your journey. There are a lot of very knowledgeable and supportive people on this board and they have a wealth of experiences to share.