I'm tired. Hoping to see shared experiences and not feel crazy.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi-

New on the board. Wanted to read about or hear shared experiences to help keep me grounded. Married with 3 young kids. I'm stuck in a place where I so desperately want to extract my spouse from my life but also know this is not possible with our kids. She has taken them from me in the past and left the state and has consistently accused me of being physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. She had me arrested recently for domestic violence, with our perceptions of the altercation being very different. The charges were dropped by the prosecutor based on our statements, but being in a state where all claims are taken extremely seriously (as they should be) I was terrified. She let me know she just "wanted something on paper", I presume to make any future custody related discussions much easier. I'm afraid of divorce because my spouse told me that she was happy with nothing less than 100% physical custody and would be willing to spend whatever time and money was necessary to fight for it.

I'm her specifically because a prior counselor had recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells as a fun read for me, after counselling my spouse and I together for a period of time. I can't relate to everything described in this book, but then some pages just need the names to change and it's like the author was a fly on the wall.

We have a fairly normal life, but it seems high stress all the time. I love my kids and I don't want to lose them, but I also know that it's hurting them to keep them in an environment where the atmosphere is unpredictable, negative and high stress. When I've wanted to discuss divorce in the past there has been two reactions. The first time my spouse suggested that I get an anti-depressant because my unhappiness was being caused internally. Ultimately, she wrote me a letter that said she was keeping the kids at her parents and wasn't going to return until I was healthy. I was in NC and she/kids in CT. After she had me arrested I resurfaced the conversation with some conviction internally that it was a safe path. I felt strong (for a moment) and was able to wrestle with whether or not I was strictly acting out of emotion, but felt confident that it was the best path. I was met with more pleading, affection and dedication to personal change on my spouses part than i had ever seen in our 10 year marriage. I'm not sure I had ever heard the statement "what can i do to make things better?" before. I had always heard ultimatums revolving around that fact that I was causing the problems and only I could change them.

Shoots people, this too long. I want to pursue divorce. I feel no hope about anything changing in the relationship. I've been through seasons where I temper my reactions. I want to be confident and proud of who i am in conflict, set healthy boundaries, detach in loving and healthy ways, but I feel so weak around my spouse. I just want to read some encouraging things about people dealing with similar circumstances in healthy ways.

[ocramolop]

Hi-

New on the board. Wanted to read about or hear shared experiences to help keep me grounded. Married with 3 young kids. I'm stuck in a place where I so desperately want to extract my spouse from my life but also know this is not possible with our kids. She has taken them from me in the past and left the state and has consistently accused me of being physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. She had me arrested recently for domestic violence, with our perceptions of the altercation being very different. The charges were dropped by the prosecutor based on our statements, but being in a state where all claims are taken extremely seriously (as they should be) I was terrified. She let me know she just "wanted something on paper", I presume to make any future custody related discussions much easier. I'm afraid of divorce because my spouse told me that she was happy with nothing less than 100% physical custody and would be willing to spend whatever time and money was necessary to fight for it.

I'm her specifically because a prior counselor had recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells as a fun read for me, after counselling my spouse and I together for a period of time. I can't relate to everything described in this book, but then some pages just need the names to change and it's like the author was a fly on the wall.

We have a fairly normal life, but it seems high stress all the time. I love my kids and I don't want to lose them, but I also know that it's hurting them to keep them in an environment where the atmosphere is unpredictable, negative and high stress. When I've wanted to discuss divorce in the past there has been two reactions. The first time my spouse suggested that I get an anti-depressant because my unhappiness was being caused internally. Ultimately, she wrote me a letter that said she was keeping the kids at her parents and wasn't going to return until I was healthy. I was in NC and she/kids in CT. After she had me arrested I resurfaced the conversation with some conviction internally that it was a safe path. I felt strong (for a moment) and was able to wrestle with whether or not I was strictly acting out of emotion, but felt confident that it was the best path. I was met with more pleading, affection and dedication to personal change on my spouses part than i had ever seen in our 10 year marriage. I'm not sure I had ever heard the statement "what can i do to make things better?" before. I had always heard ultimatums revolving around that fact that I was causing the problems and only I could change them.

Shoots people, this too long. I want to pursue divorce. I feel no hope about anything changing in the relationship. I've been through seasons where I temper my reactions. I want to be confident and proud of who i am in conflict, set healthy boundaries, detach in loving and healthy ways, but I feel so weak around my spouse. I just want to read some encouraging things about people dealing with similar circumstances in healthy ways.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Lol, this is nowhere near too long - I try to be brief and fail spectacularly each post 

 

I hate when people are facing the divorce threat, and especially when he BPD party is female.  Sadly, I have to point out the sad truth that even though things may come out clear at the end of a custody battle, there is a lot of damage that can be done to the man in the process.

I recommend, even though you DO NOT say you want a divorce, talking privately to legal counsel of some sort, just to "get it on paper".  You need to set some groundwork simply to remove those threats from your W from being so strong, and also, as a "I am calling your bluff" ability to enforce a boundary.  Again, talking to an attorney is not starting divorce proceedings.  It's simply trying to find legal boundaries you can enforce around you and your kids.  Others on here, and even in a board I think that is geared towards discussing custody, have been in your shoes, and can chime in or PM you about it.   

Claiming YOU are the cause of all problems is pretty much on the BPD greatest hits album.  Since the disorder has a lot of shame avoidance in it, removing blame from themselves is a BIG underlying cause of any time they get upset.  They simply can't reconcile being wrong with being an okay person, too.  It's black and white - all good, or all bad.  If I make a mistake, ever, I am all bad.  So it must by ocramolop!  Not me, can't be me!

Never be afraid of posting "too much".  It may take some a while to read it all, but we're here to share, to vent a bit (but stop short of ruminating), and to see what others in similar situations have had work, what doesn't work, and work on getting ourselves on0kilter.  Sometimes, getting our own reactions under control can go a long way to improving the relationship, even if the pwBPD makes no conscious effort.  We have to change the rules of engagement.  This, in turn, makes them reevaluate their own reactions.

 

[Enabler]

but I feel so weak around my spouse. I just want to read some encouraging things about people dealing with similar circumstances in healthy ways.

Sorry I don't have much time to respond properly... .what is stronger and more powerful than not reacting at all to your wife's conflict?

Stay a while. Post as much as you like, it will be read. LEARN LEARN LEARN. See how you are fueling her fires. Stay neutral on your decision until you have had a chance to make an educated decision.

You're not alone and although there will always be nuances in your personal situation, you will see many parallels with others. Here to help you on your path.

Enabler

[ocramolop]

Thank you for the responses and advice. I have a lot to read on here, and a lot to learn.

[Radcliff]

Welcome to bpdfamily.  I'm sorry for the extremely tough situation you find yourself in, but am glad you are here.  You've gotten some good advice from isilme and Enabler.  I came here with a similar situation, and my mistake was posting a question or two, then being overwhelmed by my situation and not coming back to the board for six months, when things were worse.  Let us help you work through this.

Two books you should immediately read are "Splitting," and ":)on't Alienate the Kids," both by Bill Eddy, a therapist-turned-lawyer who has a uniquely qualified perspective on BPD and the courts.  He is realistic about threats of false accusations, and talks about how to protect yourself.

You said you are interested in a divorce.  It has the risks that you stated, but also brings with it the benefits of hitting a "new normal" with your kids before they are older.  Any scenario, whether preparing for a divorce, or improving the marriage, starts with you working on these boards to build your strength and your tools to minimize conflict with your wife.

Can you tell us more about the situation that led to your arrest?  Have there been any other alarming or concerning incidents?

WW