Progress on my own health front?

[isilme]

So, a few things.

Had my physical.  Except for cholesterol being highish, all was good.  My weight was not mentioned, but I told MD I am on weight watchers now, and she seemed to think that was a good idea.

Doc has me on some new allergy meds, my eyes are feeling a little less gooey (was able to wear my contacts for a couple of full days, back to back!), but I am really sleepy.  Given my history of not sleeping, I can't tell if it's the pills or just normal tiredness.  She saw my ears are still full of fluid, hopes these two drugs in conjunction will dry things up. 

Told her about my daily headaches, she thinks it's just the stress at home (she's H's MD, too, knows his kidneys stones and diabetes issues, and low T) bringing back my migraines, along with uncontrolled allergies, not necessarily anything new in my head, but has set me up with an MRI to be sure and then we can move forward.  Told me about my mom's drug abuse and that opioids scare me and I want treatment, if possible, that will allow me to drive a car or get to work and still function. 

I also finally told H about my real weight.  This was hard.  When's he's angry, he will use me being fat as a personal attack, and I have been embarrassed to admit I am now 215 (my heaviest was 230, been fighting to get back under 200 since 2013). In 2 months, WW has lost me 10lbs, not a huge amount, but it's progress in the right direction.  But at least I don't have to hide it anymore, and if he says something when mad, I guess it won't be anything new.  Most of the time, lately, he has been conscious that I need food options that will support my daily limits. 

He seems worried about me needing a "brain scan", but is trying to be positive and supportive.  I think it drives home there may be something real, he can't just call me lazy if I am tired, hurt, need to lie down, or can't get to things like the dishes.  Sadly, I think this triggers some shame in him, for leaning so much on me.  In his more lucid times, he is very aware of it.  Then, when he feels the shame is toxic, he lashes out at me to deny I do too much/he does too little. 

I am hoping his fears of abandonment aren't triggered by worries I might have something terminal in my head.  He seems to like to live in a  fog of possibilities, where nothing is definite.  I want to have answers, and actual data, not just feelings, and impressions.  I need to know if it's just migraines, or if my head needs something stuck in there to twiddle around with whatever hurts.  I need to know if he can pass his kidney stones or if he needs them broken apart.  I like both quantitative data AND qualitative.  He likes just qualitative, but that shifts with his emotions, daily, hourly. 

I know this will sound silly, but our pet fish died.  We have 5 animals, one of whom was the fish.  Since I have no family, I get very attached to our animals.  H found him, he was kind as he told me, and tried not to get distressed when I was crying.  I tried not to cry "too much", because I knew it would tax his reserves.

Also learned Father's Day, finally confirmed, that H's dad's heart issues are considered terminal, so they aren't even trying to get him to im[rove.  Just keep him ticking along for as long as possible... .which in a way just feels like it's a form of cruelty.  They took him off his pain pills, he can't move more than a few feet without getting winded and gasping   And they live over an hour away, just close enough to visit but not close enough to check on daily.  For now, H seems to be processing this okay.  But he's been very depressed and I am worried he's got another outburst building up inside  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

hi isilme,

i am sorry you have so many health issues going on with yourself, and your family, and to top it all off the fish too! 

my father had a terminal illness when i was a kid and illness sat like a really heavy weight over our entire household. i know how hard this must be.

i think it always helps to keep pushing your brain to find the positive spin on things when possible. when our thoughts can get pretty dark, we can try to do work with them, change them.

it’s a good thing that you are going to find out answers about what is going on in your brain.

and it’s great that your weight is heading in the  direction you want!

about him calling you ugly. not true! i heard this too recently: “you are fat and ugly.” cha! (i’m just fine.) well, at least i’m not mean!  

warmly, pearl.

[braveSun]

isilme, I'm glad you got to see your doctor. A lot of the time we think something is wrong or needs attention, and taking that steps feels better. Taking action feels better. Even if all the answers are still to come. We can only help it with doing what we can. About you losing 10 lbs in 2 months, congratulations!...  

Really, it's fantastic! I had a period in my life when I took my health very very seriously and changed my nutrition habits, as well as went to work out 5-6 days/week. I succeeded in losing 35 lbs in 4 months. I was told it's a lot. It was a big change.

Losing 5 lbs/month takes a serious change of habits.

It's amazing that you have been able to achieve that amidst all that is happening around you.

About your headaches, I'm not a doctor, but I know that at times, I didn't have enough iron, or not enough proteins in my diet. I was concentrating too much on weight loss itself, not enough on nutrition per se.  I did experience headaches. Stress and hormonal changes can bring headaches too. Do you have any special activities (or non-activities) you do for relaxation in your daily routine? How is your painting?

    

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update!  You've got a lot on your plate, but it sounds like you are steadily pursuing answers and making improvements.  Keep us posted; I can use the inspiration to make healthy changes for myself!

WW

[isilme]

About your headaches, I'm not a doctor, but I know that at times, I didn't have enough iron, or not enough proteins in my diet. I was concentrating too much on weight loss itself, not enough on nutrition per se.  I did experience headaches. Stress and hormonal changes can bring headaches too. Do you have any special activities (or non-activities) you do for relaxation in your daily routine? How is your painting?

These started in January, the daily headaches.  I got very sick with sinuses and had to go through 2 rounds of antibiotics and steroids and still felt sick.  I also joined a migraine support group on facebook this week and an awesome lady gave me the name of what I am feeling:  Allodynia.  Apparently, 80% of people with migraines get this, so it's not that freaky.  My MD said my levels of nutrients were spot on, save cholesterol being too high (been eating a lot of hard-boiled eggs), so I don't think this is nutrition - I think it's neurological.  I feel like I have things misfiring in there at times.  The headaches are not constant pain - it also includes muddled ability to think, speak, write and read - yay, migraine.  So even if I can make it past the nagging pains, which just come and go, the cognitive delays are really annoying.  I talk like William Shatner, having to pause a lot as my word-centers shut down and reboot.

Allodynia means “other pain.” It is a pain that results from a stimulus that is not normally painful. Anyone who has ever had bad sunburn has an idea of how painful even light touch can be. When the skin is sensitized, in this example from the sun, wearing a shirt or taking a shower can be very painful. Up to 80% of persons with migraine experience at least one symptom of allodynia during a headache attack. They may describe pain to touch, such as with resting one’s head on a pillow, or with wearing a hat, earrings, or necklace. These are examples of “static” tactile or mechanical allodynia.

An example of “dynamic” allodynia is pain from lightly brushing one’s hair. Another is pain from shaving one’s face. Yet another, “thermal” allodynia, refers to pain due to exposure to either warm or cold. Allodynia is not referred pain, although it can occur outside the area stimulated. It is also not hyperalgesia, which is a pain stimulus more painful than usual.

It does not help with my insomnia, to wake if I put my head wrong on the pillow and it feels like someone is scraping my scalp with a metal file, from the inside, so I will be happy to see if anything can be done for it, or if getting the allergies under control can help it. 

Not painting at the moment, no time   Since I do pretty much all chores and cooking, cleaning, well everything, I get little time to do it, and also, until we have any sort of studio set up, I'd need to set up, paint, clean up all in just a few hours.  H kinda commandeers all space as his.  My yarn and fabric are in corners taking up very little space in the house - he has almost an entire room of his stuff, and things he's decided are 'joint art supplies"  (basically, he claims I ruin brushes and he doesn't, but then felt he had to intermix all out brushes as he threw out ones he'd ruined ).  Anyway, I mostly crochet unless there is a "paint night" with friends - this weekend I will help a friend make a Harry Potter terrarium for a co-worker, so that will be fun.  I will need to draw a tiny Hogwarts and build a tiny Quidditch field. 

I will be setting up our computer this Friday, after switching to a )hopefully) better internet provider.  I've been fighting with a major internet, phone communications corporation since May 23rd, and after continued bad service, and worse, lies over the phone and in chat help sessions, I am done with them for the internet.  Poor service when H is gaming or trying to watch a movie is one BIG trigger for him to get angry, but he's fought against switching for years when I've asked. 

I got my car up and running and legal to drive.  So now I have my own car if needed, AND we have a running car with AC.  Since it's been 100+ here the last several weeks, that's a big plus.

His mood is coming and going.  He is fighting depression right now.  He is basically convinced he is dying.  That he is as good as fired (no official announcement about his workplace closing has been sent), that his health will never improve, that I am embarrassed of him, that he has "no accomplishments or legacy", and the news about his dad confirming what we thought all along that his time is short  are all pressing on him.  And BPD makes that little thing where you can shove feelings into a corner until you can manage them difficult.

Anyone see Firefly?  Simon Tam gets a brain scan for River, his sister.  He finds that her amygdala has been 'stripped".  She can't help but feel everything all the time.  No breaks, no respite.  I think that is what BPD must feel like. 

I am considering taking off all day Friday so I have time to clean for new internet people, as well as a little time to rest while waiting.  Or at least, maybe get ahead while H is at work.  I get so much more donw when he's at work.  Anyway, here's hoping for a not terrible rest of the week.

[pearlsw]

Hi islime,

Thank you for these insights on migraines! My SO had them for years, we were just talking over recently that they seem to have mysteriously decreased, but they  used to make life very difficult for him/us.

Imagining you talking like William Shatner is kinda funny. Glad you haven't lost your humor despite all the pain!

Does your SO respond at all to validation of any kind? I try to make an effort to praise and notice good things about my SO so he does not seem himself as bad or failed. It helps him be more peaceful I think and it helps me too to see in a good light whenever possible.

take care, pearl.

[braveSun]

things he's decided are 'joint art supplies"  (basically, he claims I ruin brushes and he doesn't, but then felt he had to intermix all out brushes as he threw out ones he'd ruined ). 

I can see how that happens!...  

It does not help with my insomnia, to wake if I put my head wrong on the pillow and it feels like someone is scraping my scalp with a metal file, from the inside, 

No it doesn't. This migraine stuff is something...

so I will be happy to see if anything can be done for it, or if getting the allergies under control can help it.   

It's a tough place to be in. Hope you will come through very soon.     

Anyway, I mostly crochet unless there is a "paint night" with friends - this weekend I will help a friend make a Harry Potter terrarium for a co-worker, so that will be fun.  I will need to draw a tiny Hogwarts and build a tiny Quidditch field. 

It's good that you have something to do that you enjoy. 

And it feels like you are moving mountains, to get the internet new set up, and to get your car fixed and running again. You're talking about cleaning, taking a day off work to make space to make way. Wow!...
 
 

[Radcliff]

Ah, nothing like the promise of a new Internet connection!  Good luck!

WW