Failing to get over "the one" is a day less spent with "the one"

[Cromwell]

Is too much time spent trying to grieve and post-mortem the relationship actually stunting the opportunity to spend time with someone who might be out there waiting for you?

ive read a few posts and what struck me is that despite the r/s being over, painful as it is, how much emphasis has been placed on pining for "the one" that came into our lives and the notion that they cant be suitably replaced, perhaps even by another that is just waiting out there for us.

At the time I was convinced that the emotional intensity of the r/s signified to me that id found - by chance, proximal closeness that in some mystical way id found the woman of my dreams, who ticked all the boxes.

Having had time to heal, I look back and think it was all a bit silly. Yes she was physically attractive, but not any more or less than girlfriends ive had before. In terms of the emotional connection, it was extreme, it felt at the time Id found someone that complemented me that way to a heightened way. Looking back, I was exhibiting and reciprocating simply a lot of unhealthy boundary pressing that id never done before, but joined in and felt compelled to. In the end, I regret doing so. If I could turn back the clock I would have chosen someone else who I would have had more time spent with and let the r/s develop. I look back and think how pressurised it all was and the fact that I was deeply infactuated and caught myself up in the emotional intensity over it all, very much clouded any rational thought.

but its all over now, lessons have been learnt. Yet I see a stumble block in all this time grieving and post morterm on the r/s that ive come to label as a "mistake" of judgement id made. In the meantime, the real "one" is being eluded as a result. The problem I think is now meeting people and whilst everything being fine on the surface, they dont mimic that same level of emotional intensity as my ex, therefore I tell myself "wheres that spark?" this cant be the one. Where as before, I was happy to enter that r/s and give things a try, see how things develop.

This happened to me today, the physical attraction is there in abundance, the personality is nice, she seems normal enough, but im wondering and physiologically missing this habit of a "spark" response, which really is just a form of conditioning. Not only that, but I noticed myself having to control my own conditioned behaviour such as boundary pushing, which is what it is for non BPDs, but is just the norm of behaviour in the BPD r/s. Not only did my ex start full-on boundary pushing from the get go, I learned during the r/s that I needed to act -out the same. In short, ive picked up some unhealthy conditioned reflexes that I have to conciously work against.

I hope for myself and others that are on this journey to think about the fact that there is someone out there for everyone. Im dropping this "the one" nomenclature from now on, she came in my life at a time where this illusion and dream like state was intoxicating and I was open to it, but in reality, it was just a feeling and nonsense in the big picture. Ive heard of people stagnate their lives for years due to heartbreak and secretly pining for someone they had put so much emotional investment in and it turned out devastatingly. I can sympathise now, its taken me 9 months I never expected to go through similar, but there has to come a time where this is seen as very unhealthy mentally and ultimately pointless.

"missing" and even "thinking about" the BPDx gives zero progress towards actually finding someone more compatible. I sometimes look back and cant believe it lasted 3 years, where did that time go - when it should have been over after 3 months. In total through my mistake of judgment, 2years 9 months, plus now 9 months of having to heal from it all, thats a considerable amount of time that I could have taken efforts to have found the real "one".

if the goal is to move on from this and find a more suitable partner, than I cant see the benefit of any of the following;

"missing BPDx"
"thinking about BPDx"
"wondering how BPDx is doing"
or worse "pining for BPDx who was 'the one' and therefore, cant ever be replaced.

I recognise this now, but didnt for awhile, all I can say is I believe none of it is helpful and keeps some pointless bond that needs severed in order to progress. If the latent desire of these thoughts is to recycle, may as well just go ahead and do this. i already tried and it helped to make me realise that what I had been missing was far more exaggerated in my own thoughts than what is realistic.

In summary, failure to get over the tried, tested, wasnt actually the "one" is limiting the opportunity to find the real "one".

hoping to highlight what i recongise in myself as some pretty profound and entrenched type of thinking. I notice it in some other posts and feel it deserves a mention. is there any real benefit in pining for what is already supposed to be considered a failed relationship. Learning lessons, fair enough, but is there any point in grieving beyond those who have accepted a belief that they have in fact lost "the one" in some mystical sort of way and that they cant ever be replaced.

[Turkish]

Yes, me for a while.  Trying to me objective, I'm maybe a 2-3 while my ex was a 7-8, and almost 11 years younger.

Yet I've gotten flirty "game" from younger women since then.  Dysfunctional, however.  Arty my stage in life I have too much to lose. 

I look at myself and ask,  "how much do I feel to be needed? That's what got me intro trouble in the first place."

[Insom]

Hi, Cromwell.

Congrats on dropping "The One" nomenclature which sounds like an important move in your search for your next relationship.  I hear you've learned a lot and are feeling ready to move on.

is there any real benefit in pining for what is already supposed to be considered a failed relationship.

I may be the poster child for this.  Here is my Learning story which is still unfolding.  Take it for what it's worth.

I moved on from my ex many years ago and am in a happy, healthy, long-time marriage with someone I love.

A couple of years ago, to my annoyance, I started having an intense series of pining-type dreams about ex.  The dreams bothered me because they were emotional and I didn’t understand them.  I found this site because I wanted them to go away.  Alas, the only way out is through, right?  Today I view the dreams as a portal or invitation to explore past memories.  I accepted and as a result of exploring this stuff (including the pining) I’m getting answers to problems that have vexed me for years.  Though many of my problems aren't necessarily the result of relationship with ex, they are obliquely connected to him in time and place. It's only now, after addressing difficult stuff from my past that I'm finding ways to dissolve obstacles I've had re: creative work, family estrangements, and so on for years.  It’s been an extraordinarily rich experience. 

So, for me, learning is ongoing.  Meeting and marrying my husband has played a big role in healing and learning for me.  And, on some level, so did my ex.

Could it be that there are different levels/phases of learning to be eked out of these experiences depending on your character, history, what phase of life you're in, and life path?

[Cromwell]

Hi Insom, that was interesting to hear that you started pining despite finding fulfillment in a new r/s, something I really hope never happens to me.

i might just have come to this point because I feel that I think far less of her at this stage, and its made me think that it seemed a wasteful and pointless and futile time that I bothered in the first place. perhaps to an extent it is; the missing my ex causes the memory to become reinforced, I noticed when dating at some point id be thinking of my still and it would change my mood completely. That really is the theme of my post, too much pining and ruminating can have the effect of sabotaging new relationships. I was doing a lot better until I by chance got back in contact with my ex and it made me start missing her more, because she was no longer out of sight out of mind.

 my ex making it easy to re-engage and the temptation to get back into the same old, made it more difficult, and ive realised that. i associate a form of pining or missing as a latent "hope" of sorts to get back into the r/s. I probably feel that way cos maybe ive reached my own saturation point where i feel "ok, I get it - this really is something I now know I dont want to ever go back to".

thanks both for the thought provoking comments.

[Insom]

Insom, that was interesting to hear that you started pining despite finding fulfillment in a new r/s, something I really hope never happens to me.

  Don't knock it 'til you try it!  Seriously though, I'm in my forties now and met my ex when I was 16. A lot of time gone by since then.

missing my ex causes the memory to become reinforced,

Great point, Cromwell.  And having just read The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge, I don't disagree.  Would it be fair to say you feel it's time to give yourself a break from thinking about this stuff so you can create and reinforce new patterns? 

I probably feel that way cos maybe ive reached my own saturation point where i feel "ok, I get it - this really is something I now know I dont want to ever go back to".

Yes!  I have totally been there and want to support you taking a break if that's what you need.  Putting my memories to the side for 20+ years allowed me to get on with my life.  I'm not sure I could have done what I'm doing now in my twenties because I didn't have the perspective, resources or accumulated experiences that I have now.  Healing takes time and can unfold over a lifetime.