How has this relationship changed you?

[zachira]

Relationships are challenging and we change in many ways when we become involved in a relationship. How have you changed since you became involved in this relationship, for better or worse? In what ways do you miss the self you knew before you became involved in this relationship? Are there people and activities that you would like to be more a part of your life with or without your partner? What do you like the most about yourself? What do other people say they admire about you?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi zachira,

1) For better: I'd say, to my happiness, I have become much more thoughtful about communication and don't automatically think I'm good at it anymore. I think of it as something that is a practice, like meditation, and that I must continuously work on.

2) For worse: My personal values and principles have taken a hit from the sheer onslaught of the pressure and demands of dealing this much with a partner's ever fluctuating & confusing emotional states.

Thanks for asking!

~pearl.

[teapay]

I felt I was doing well before I married my W and after 14 years I feel I am better and not worse nor critically damaged by the relationship.  There have been times where my W's behavior has thrown me off balance for a time, but I have always been able to rebound well and get back to business.  I've generally felt good about myself, my life, my thinking, my viewpoints, my ethics, my ability to get things done and how I've handled my W's illness.  If anything  my sense of self is stronger now than ever, rather than being damaged by my W's crazy making.  I believe that this has actually helped my W who has improved somewhat over the last few years.  Probably the biggest challenge that occasionally lingers in my mind is some disappointment in my W, but that is just part of life.  I have far more "wins" in my life and I have a pretty good life outside my W.

[CryWolf]

For better: Helped me grow up. Become more patient, understanding, unselfish, a whole new perspective of life and meaning. It brought me closer to myself and what I need to do to love myself.

For worse: trust issues.

Time heals though. 

Those are some good observations teapay 
Keep on learning and growing, it truly works wonders in self happiness.

[teapay]

There is a well established formula for coming out for the better when in a relationship with a BPD.  The first steps are putting oneself first and taking care of oneself physically and then mentally.  The next step is establishing and enforcing one's boundaries.  One crucial boundary is requiring the BPD to get and progress in treatment for the relationship to continue to exist.  After these steps are in place, one can then take the steps to engage in the empathetic tools.  These can take time, courage and perservance. 

Often the BPD will blow up the relationship rather than let the non exert their self in this way, but despite this harsh reality, if the non continues in these step post relationship they wI'll recover fully and well.

[pearlsw]

There is a well established formula for coming out for the better when in a relationship with a BPD.  The first steps are putting oneself first and taking care of oneself physically and then mentally.  The next step is establishing and enforcing one's boundaries.  One crucial boundary is requiring the BPD to get and progress in treatment for the relationship to continue to exist.  After these steps are in place, one can then take the steps to engage in the empathetic tools.  These can take time, courage and perservance. 

Often the BPD will blow up the relationship rather than let the non exert their self in this way, but despite this harsh reality, if the non continues in these step post relationship they wI'll recover fully and well.

hey teapay,

totally agree with the first part here - taking care of oneself. slightly different perspective on the BPD partner having to get treatment though. BPD does not look the same person to person, there are incredibly extreme cases and ones that are less so. not all people have access to mental health services and must make do in life with what they have. just a thought.

take care, pearl.

[teapay]

I'm deeply skeptical that trying to tough it out with a untreated and not progressing BPD is conducive to much quality of life for either one.  Generally, and sadly, the non just ends up flushing more precious life or limps along pinching their nose about the relationship and being miserable.  Over many years on this site I haven't seen many folks do well in that scenario, but I have seen much improvement in the quality of the nons life through separation or BPD treatment provided the non is faithful to the well established formula for getting better.  If one is thorough at working the earlier steps of putting themselves and their physical and mental health first, the boundaries steps and the conditionally requirements for treatment and progress become much easier, rational and reasonable.  The formula to is pretty similar to those involved in relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts.

[pearlsw]

hey teapay,

well, i suppose in an ideal world we'd all have access to great medical care for all of our needs. i don't live in that world. never have. it's not a matter of toughing it out. it's a matter of doing your best in world full of privilege for some and inequality for others - that's the world as i experience it.

just my two cents, pearl.

[waverider]

To establish a worthwhile future in a relationship with a non recovering pwBPD means the non has to get out of the "default" mode of living and develop new strengths and sense of direction. This in itself can be rewarding. It is not for everyone though. This will hold for your future relations with everyone whether the relationship survives or falls.

[teapay]

Many folks will strain to tough it out like they are trying to pass a big ole peach pit with an untreated BPD and succeed only in wasting decades of their own precious life, as well as letting their BPD waste away too.  You can see this over and over again on the site.  I can't recommend that to any non, especially when a well established  formula for getting better is readily available to make their lives better.  That formula includes requirING some kind of progress on the part of the BPD which usually requires treatment.  Going through both untreated and treated scenarios with my W, I can say there is no comparison when she is doing what she is suppose to do.  As hard as it is, the formula is guaranteed to work and yield a better future for nons who are courageous and determined enough to work it out however the chips fall.  It could also greatly help the BPD by getting them treated.  My W is much much better off. 

To a normal, successful person, this is as plain as the nose and their face and they do it instinctively.  Most nons, however, are as sick as their partners and it is difficult for them to see it.  They can't get by those first steps of getting very healthy themselves.  Rather they will make excuses, blame everthing else, claim victim status or make codependency more tolerable and professionalize it.  Once they do get healthy, they can finally see it, especially how they screwed themselves.  They can finally see the mistakes of the past and dismal prospects of their future and the recovery formula makes more sense.  Hopefully there are folks out there who are getting ready or beginning to see and will start working those changes in their lives.

[Radcliff]

One of the keys to this board's success is treating every relationship uniquely, without making broad generalizations.  Every "non", every pwBPD, and every situation they are in have different aspects.  Though we see many similarities, there is no single best approach.  pwBPD exhibit the traits at widely varying levels.  Many partners of our members are "subclinical" and wouldn't qualify for a full BPD diagnosis.  The tools can be very effective on them.  Many of our members join us in very rough shape, not nearly ready to advocate for treatment.  They can benefit greatly from using the tools to reduce conflict, and learning boundaries to help protect themselves and build strength.  In addition to issues of access to care that pearlsw has highlighted, the issue of anosognosia, where a person with mental illness has no idea they have it, is a big obstacle to getting treatment.  This is discussed further in our excellent page on how to get a borderline into therapy and the video linked at the bottom of that page.

It's definitely true that us "nons" bring a lot of our own troubles into our relationships.  Working the tools here and getting the support of this community is helpful in allowing us to sort out our contributions and begin to weigh all of the options from a position of strength.

Getting back to the question originally posted by zachira:

Relationships are challenging and we change in many ways when we become involved in a relationship. How have you changed since you became involved in this relationship, for better or worse? In what ways do you miss the self you knew before you became involved in this relationship? Are there people and activities that you would like to be more a part of your life with or without your partner? What do you like the most about yourself? What do other people say they admire about you?

I came into my relationship predominantly oriented towards logic, and not feelings.  I thought I was empathetic, and I thought I was a good listener.  But being in a very long relationship with an emotionally sensitive person forced me to raise my game over and over in these areas.  It's a work in progress -- I am not done -- but I'm grateful for all that I've learned.  On the negative side, I came into the relationship without a good sense of boundaries, and was not successful in gettting better at that, until just recently.  I lost myself, and began to lead an incoherent life (actions not aligned with values) as I did anything I could to keep the peace and "keep the wheels on the bus."  My fear of losing the relationship prevented me from making any improvements that felt risky (in other words, anything that felt uncomfortable for my partner, or anything that resulted in threats from her).  We got stuck, and things deteriorated.

[spacecadet]

There is a well established formula for coming out for the better when in a relationship with a BPD.  The first steps are putting oneself first and taking care of oneself physically and then mentally.  The next step is establishing and enforcing one's boundaries.  One crucial boundary is requiring the BPD to get and progress in treatment for the relationship to continue to exist.  After these steps are in place, one can then take the steps to engage in the empathetic tools.  These can take time, courage and perseverance.  

Often the BPD will blow up the relationship rather than let the non exert their self in this way, but despite this harsh reality, if the non continues in these step post relationship they wI'll recover fully and well.

I love this whole post and especially the bolded sections. These are healthy boundaries. I think they also hold true for any kind of r/s crisis like affairs or no sex etc.

My r/s was of short duration and blew up bc ex would not open up about his issues. Although painful and bewildering at the time, by keeping my boundaries I was "eliminated" as someone who would not enable his illness. And that's okay.

I guess to answer this question, the r/s made me realize how strong I am and that I'm ready for love with another strong person.

[spacecadet]

Answering in more depth... .

My r/s was of short duration and, to Teapay's point, blew up bc while I was very open-hearted, I kept boundaries with bpex, who chose to hide his issues. My boundaries, which include requiring honesty and calling out manipulation, caused ex to "eliminate" me as someone who would not indulge him and enable his illness. And that's okay. He claimed he wanted someone with healthy boundaries but that was his party line. We vote with our feet and his walked away.

The grief of him fleeing after a brief but promising LDR would have lasted a few weeks. But what followed was a season of stress and wigging out -- all due to him not seeing me or talking with me, while simultaneously not leaving me alone. Calls and messages were all disguised. For months I've been a wreck -- depressed, couldn't sleep, hair falling out. Couldn't concentrate or focus at all. I moved and 9 months later I'm still not unpacked 100%. I startled easily at home, where one should feel safe, and although I laughed at funny things other people said, nothing funny occurred to me... .it's like I'd lost my funny bone. I couldn't even meditate or pray.

Every night my dreams were full of anxiety while my subconscious wrestled with how to stop the stalking. I've dated and had good times but at some point, after a few dates when we inevitably open up, my story came out, anxiety came through and I lost several friendships because men were either afraid of being harmed by my stalker or I couldn't trust. Most people I spoke with about this correctly gauged my veracity and recognized my credibility, but here and there someone doubted my account and this added another layer of pain.

The worst of this season has abated and I'm back to enjoying life but am very cautious still, and I lost a lot of valuable time. I still have trouble concentrating. I still have difficulty trusting now, although I'm learning how to "trust but verify". I'm starting to dream again, feeling moments of peace and contentment.  

Upshot is, r/s made me realize how strong I am. Funny, resilient, forgiving, smart, full of light and laughter. I realized this in part because I lost it all for a season. The contrast is what strikes me, the old me, the intermittent me during this period of madness, and the recent me who is emerging.

I don't say this to be boastful at all. We need to be honest with ourselves, not only about where we can grow, but also all the inner gifts we have that we offer our friends, and given a bit of luck, a SO who will value these gifts as we value theirs.