Meeting for the first time tonight- in public- prayer appreciated

[Jersey G]

Hey BPD Family- For those who don't know me yet, I've been separated for 4 months now, and my husband and I have been going to counseling separately.  We've met in public- with another couple- to discuss finances, children, etc.  Tonight is the first time we're meeting without the other couple because my therapist thinks I am ready.  My goal?  To not take the bait... .to stick to the facts we need to discuss... .and stay out of the FOG!  We are meeting in person 2x a month for about 20 minutes while we're going thru counseling because we haven't decided to pursue divorce as of yet. I appreciate your prayers!  Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Jersey G,

I hope this goes well for you! In terms of taking the bait, how do you manage to not do that? Do you not JADE?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[spero]

Hi Jersey G,

Hoping the best for you, it would be good to remember the points your therapist has raised while you discuss about the mentioned items.

Warmly,
Spero

[Jersey G]

Thank you, Pearl and Spero for your responses.  The meeting was supposed to last around 30 min, and I made it all the way to the 29th minute and then got triggered.  Ugh.  I need to focus on all the bait I didn't take... .but it was frustrating nevertheless.  How to not get triggered?  For me, preparing ahead of time is crucial.  What triggers can I anticipate?  How will I respond?  I actually wrote out examples of bait that I knew he'd most likely use, and then how I'd respond- or how I HOPE I'd respond!  One trigger for me is hearing him say, "When we get back together... .etc."  I usually respond in anger.  Because I had anticipated it, when he went there last night, I was able to redirect the conversation- making it clear that there is no "we"- but without anger.  The place where I got hooked was where I was taken off-guard.  He said he was actually thankful that I left him because he knew he'd be in the same place had it not been for my courage.  He then went on to talk about the children- who are having such a hard time given I was the one who told him to leave. It got behind my shield and I began to get teary.  I then apologized- which was shifting back into my "it's all my fault" mode.  Thankfully, the whole trigger lasted only a few minutes, but I pulled out my keys and called the meeting over.  He immediately stood up and we said goodbye. 

I'd love to hear how others have stayed UN-TRIGGERED!   Thank you!

[pearlsw]

Hi JerseyG,

If you have some time, and the inclination, I would strongly recommend meditation. I had a pretty difficult boyfriend years back and I felt very angry with him at times for all the problems he brought into our household... .It was causing me a lot strain on my heart! I decided to control the side of the equation I could, me, and started meditating regularly. It really changed my life in many wonderful ways. It does help you slow down your reaction times and it can also make you feel a great deal of compassion.

Just a thought!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Jersey G]

Thank you, Pearl!  I actually got an email today that talked about meditating. 

[pearlsw]

Hi JerseyG,

You mention you haven't decided yet to divorce or not. I'm in a similar place in my relationship, but we are under the same roof. We have a deadline to decide to continue or not so I am very interested to hear your thoughts!

What would be deciding factors for you one way or another?

best wishes, pearl.

[Jersey G]

Pearl... .To leave or not to leave... .that is indeed the question.  We needed to NOT be in the same house mainly due to the fear my daughter and I have lived in. My husband was suicidal, crying, then enraged, emotionally abusive etc. I also had an adrenal crash and due to the stress, we couldn't stay under the same roof.  Given we've been married 34 years and are only 4 months into separation and counseling, I have been counseled to give it some time to see how my husband responds to therapy.  We agreed to reassess after 6 months, but unless there's an all-out miracle, I don't anticipate us getting back together.  Just like I knew when I couldn't take another day, I believe I will know when the time comes, what my course of action needs to be.  My counselor asked me what I will need to see in order to take him back.  I haven't processed it all yet, but selflessness and autonomy are big ones. My daughter and I would have to move from fear to love... .which seems like an impossible feat- unless God does another miracle.  I'll give it more thought... .How about you?  What are you needing to see?