I need to talk, older sister with BPD

[youngersister]

Hi, I just joined. Not sure yet if this site is active. Got the info from a book "Stop walking on eggshells." Would like to discuss what is going on but will wait to get an answer/answers to make sure this is an active board. Thanks.

[youngersister]

I just need to talk, even if this is going out to an empty "universe." I have an older sister, 7 years older than me. She says she was sexually abused for 5 years. She lives in another state, and for many years our relationship has been 99% over the phone. Usually she has this persona I am going to call the "observer," pretty emotionless, intelligent, and above it all. She gives me advice and talks "down" to me as the younger sister. Usually we have one "good" conversation, then a "bad" one, then a "good one." By good and bad, I mean if she talks nice to me versus if she starts putting me down. However, the other day this whole thing really turned the corner. In recent phone calls she has been expressing extreme emotions, including severe anxiety over daily events. Sometimes she contradicts herself. Like she was sobbing on a phone call because her landlady was going to raise her rent over $700, she could not afford this, and she was hurt the landlady did not show her more kindness in her talk about the rent because she was the "only" tenant who helped the landlady with the place. Then she moved and got a big 2-BR more expensive place. When I mentioned she had been so upset with the first landlady, she totally denied it and said that lady was "crazy."

Anyway, the other day we were discussing helping our younger brother who is in a financial crisis and needs a place to live due to a disability. She started to tell me her plan to send a check every 3-4 months instead of monthly, and I stopped her and said "I know, you've told me this 2 or 3 times." It seemed like nothing, but it was like somebody flipped a switch. She literally turned into another person. She started simultaneously sobbing and ranting at me for a good 10 minutes. The beliefs she expressed were downright delusional. After the rant I tried to "talk her down" by making reassuring statements, but she was very reluctant to accept them. She had decided I was "angry" at her, and I was not a bit angry.

She is in her mid-70's. I don't know if her aging plays a role, but she is no longer keeping up that aloof, cool, emotionless persona. It reminds me of Kilauea, that her cool outer "shell" is actually wearing thin, and her extreme emotional stuff is coming out. It's like another person entirely. I thought of multiple personalities, or some kind of "inner child." The whole system seems to have "cracked," and the pressure is blowing out the fissures. This does not help my self-esteem. I don't have a clue how to talk to her at this point. I don't know why she sees me as so much lower that she thinks it's somehow okay to "vent" and rant at me like that. I'm pretty disgusted with it. She should know better, especially at her age. I doubt she talks like that to her boss or co-workers. She said she had a very "stressful" day because of her annual evaluation (?). This is a place she has worked for many years, and I thought they loved her and needed her services. (She facilitates classes for people at a counseling center).

I would very much appreciate any helpful answers on this. Thanks.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Youngersister, 

Yes we are quite active! Welcome to our online family. On this board we have all had someone with BPD in our lives, whether it be sibling, parent or in-law.

What do you think of the book so far? What has been the most enligtening part of it to you? We have a great list to the right hand side of our board that has a lot of helpful instruction. Click on any sentence for more.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story, and please jump in to read other posts as well. 

Wools

[youngersister]

Thanks, Wools. The book is really answering a lot of things for me. My sister doesn't have an official diagnosis of BPD, but I have good reasons to believe that is what is going on with her. I'm leaving this site open this evening, hoping and waiting for an answer to my second post where I needed to talk that explains the crisis that brought me here. This post doesn't say much. I was just introducing myself.

[BabySister]

Welcome youngersister,
I too just landed here 2 days ago from the Stop Walking on Eggshells book. From your post I can relate to how easily we can get wrapped up and invested into our pwBPD's drama. For myself I've listened and listened for years and YES saying, "you've told me already" that is never a good thing for my BPDb. Same switch gets flipped!

Good for you posting here and reaching out. Sounds like talking a few steps back from your sister and focusing on you may be the break you need. Even though you have a relationship over the phone it sounds like it affects you a great deal. I totally get it. I try all the time to come up with the solution. I'm finally realizing, I can't solve it! My BPDb doesn't want the solution. We never even talk about his, "diagnosis" as he will very rarely mention it. My mother used to say to me, don't try and make sense of it... .meaning all the things my BPDb would say and accuse me of etc. He always feels I am talking down to him and reminds me all the time that I'm his BabySister, hence my nickname here. It's so hard to not take these attacks personally. What has helped me over the years is knowing it's not just reserved for me! He has problems in all his relationships, friends, girlfriends, people he's worked with. Many people have cut him off. This helps me to not take it all too personally.

Hope this helps you out. Looking forward to chatting more. 

[youngersister]

Thanks, Baby Sister, especially for saying that "You've told me already" seems to act as a trigger. The hyper-emotional displays are a new thing, not sure why, but you're right. I didn't cause them, for sure. Something is causing her "being in control" system to break down a lot faster, easily stress in her life I don't know about.

[Kwamina]

Hi youngersister

I would like to join Wools and BabySister in welcoming you to bpdfamily.

Dealing with a BPD sibling can be quite challenging indeed. I too have an older BPD sister and can very much relate to the aloofness and talking down to you

Did your sister always behave like this, also when you were children?

She says she was sexually abused for 5 years.

Do you believe your sister was sexually abused? This is very serious and traumatic if this indeed happened to her. When did you first learn about her saying she was sexually abused?

The Board Parrot