Mom with BPD

[Kelly580]

Hi everyone,

I'm really glad to find this site. I'm 38 and my mom was recently diagnosed with BPD. I feel an incredible mixture of sadness and also, strangely, relief... .there is finally an explanation behind everything. For all my life, I never understood. Also, I was the "good" child, so it was harder for me to notice what was going on.

My story in a nutshell is this: A year ago, my mom starting to date an old high school boyfriend and fell so madly in love, she had him move in within her after a couple of weeks. (This is a pattern in her relationships) The night she introduced me to him, I asked him when they'd last seen each other. He said 1980. I laughed and said "wait, that's the year I was born, are we about to have a Jerry Springer moment?"

AND THEN WE DID. 

As my mom told me this other man was probably my dad (she doesn't know for sure), she was laughing and making jokes and flirting, just totally in her own world. I was stunned and hurt and unbelievably angry.

When I voiced how angry and hurt I was the next day, everything went off the deep end. She cut me off completely and wouldn't talk to me for weeks because of how "hurt" she was that I was angry with her. This was absolutely baffling to me. I couldn't understand it.

She finally began to talk to me again after I reached out, and I accepted things and moved on and found peace. Pretty soon we even all had family events together -- my dad hanging out at the same party with this other dude who might be my dad. It was a little weird but okay.

Then about 4 months ago, I got a random FB message from a lady who was my mom's boyfriend's WIFE. Basically, he had been living a double life. (His disturbing lie for why he was gone from his wife so much  was this: my mom contacted him because she was dying of cancer, chemo-ridden and bald with her breasts cut off, and wanted to introduce him to his long lost daughter before she passed away. He told his wife he wasn't home because he was spending all of his time with ME.) Turned out, according to his family, he's been a pathological liar all of his life.

My mom was devastated by this news. But then, within a couple days she went into full blown denial and decided to stay in the relationship with him.

I couldn't believe it and told her that I didn't feel safe (especially having a young son) being around man with a life long lying problem. My brother told her the same thing. We said that if she wanted to stay with him we accepted it, but that we didn't want to be around him, so we'd need to build a relationship with her separate from him.

At that point, she told me and my brother she was done with us and cut us both out of her life. 

It has been so incredibly painful and an absolute rollercoaster. She has a pattern of cutting people out of her life (She cut out her mother who died without them speaking, and also cut out her brother, who she hasn't talked to in 15 years. My brother and I are her only family left and now she's cut us both out too.)

The whole thing makes me so sad. I don't know where to even begin.  I reach out to tell her how much I love her, but never get any response back. It's like she just decided we are her enemy and it's over.

If any of you have any ideas for what to do, how to approach this, or have peace with it, I would greatly appreciate your suggestions... .Or if you've had similar experiences, I'd love to know about them. It's nice to at least feel a less alone and know there is a community of people dealing with the same kinds of things.

THANKS.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Kelly580, 

Welcome to our online family!  It's always a joy to welcome someone new to our site.

I'm really sorry about the turmoil going on in your life. That's a lot to deal with. What a shock it must've been for for you to meet this new man. I can only imagine. 

Have you ever read about Splitting before? There may be some good tips that you pick up when reading this article.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Wools

[Kelly580]

Thanks Wools, I appreciate the note! Glad to have found this sight. Great article about splitting — this feels like exactly what is happening!

[Turkish]

Splitting is a defense mechanism,  and given this Jerry Springer drama,  no wonder. 

That must have been incredibly painful for her to spring that upon you out of the blue,  no on intended.  That was cruel though she is likely incapable of seeing that. I'd be angry and hurt beyond belief!

Is your dad aware of this? Does your mother have a history of going back after she's cut someone out? I would say that this relationship may not last too long,  but it's hard to say. 

[protomartyr]

I don't have any advice to offer but wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. You don't deserve this.

[heartofglass]

I understand that disorienting feeling of whiplash so well. No the same thing exactly, but my mom showed her true colors (and a stunning level of immaturity) when she found herself a boyfriend pretty much immediately after my dad died. (After she'd been married to my dad 40 years -- despite her abuse to him.)

She eventually got so irrational, combative and defensive, that now I am "No Contact" with her (six months and counting). She once told me if it came between her new boyfriend and my family, she'd choose her boyfriend every time... .so I guess she got her wish? She's now purchased a house that he stays in (on her nickel) in a random town far away from us, in her typical impulsive fashion. We still don't even really know who this guy is. Sorry to derail, but I kind of get where you're coming from. (She also has a history of cutting people out like yours. She kept my DH and me away from the rest of the family for 10 years, so to choose her boyfriend over us is an added punch to the gut.)

Here's my experience: I have forgiven my mom for her hurtful behavior countless times over the years. But every time I went back to her, hoping "this time it would be different" -- I got eventually got burned every time. And while No Contact been painful (there's a grief that comes with it, like losing a parent) -- I honestly can say I'm much more at peace.

Whatever you decide, know you are not alone.

[Kelly580]

Thanks Turkish and Protomartyr... .appreciate the support. And yeah, I told my dad. He was incredibly great about the whole thing (said it didn’t matter to him bcs I’m his daughter no matter what) At first I considered getting a DNA test, but decided not to. Ultimately I feel the same way my dad does... .he’s my dad so no test can change that.

Heartofglass, it sounds like we have similar situations. The boyfriend is living on my mom’s dime too. It’s hard. I really understand how you have found peace during no conrtact. It’s hard to be in a yo-yo relationship. At least with no contact you have the consistency.
By the way, that must’ve been so hurtful to hear your mom say point blank that she would choose her boyfriend over you. I really understand. I also understand being kept from your family based on your mom’s own behavior and the relationships she’s cut off. We are not in touch with our uncle our cousins based on my mom’s falling out with him. I was thinking about reaching out to them actually. Have you regained contact with the family you were kept from? 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Kelly580,

Sounds as if you have found some peace in this.

And yeah, I told my dad. He was incredibly great about the whole thing (said it didn’t matter to him bcs I’m his daughter no matter what) At first I considered getting a DNA test, but decided not to. Ultimately I feel the same way my dad does... .he’s my dad so no test can change that.

It's awesome that you've come to this realization and understanding.  It will give you so much peace!

Have you read any helpful books or been in any T since your discovery?

Wools

[Harri]

We are not in touch with our uncle our cousins based on my mom’s falling out with him. I was thinking about reaching out to them actually.

Have you had any more thoughts about contacting your relatives?  How would you want to open a conversation if you do decide to contact them?