Men since him are like pale imitations. Mixed feelings, still ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So apart one year now, NC at all since last Nov. except this blasted electronic stuff. It's calmed down lately which provides space to process.

I'm still not sure which lens through which to view it. It was very upsetting, certainly felt like abuse when he was breaking into my SM and that. But was it? HQ suggests in a true "radical acceptance" way that he may have been missing me and just spewing his emotions. It's when the noise dies down -- no calls that I know of for a week, no pings on the dating sites lately and I'm closing those down as the term expires -- that the stress abates and I remember the "good" him. That maybe he does have a conscience, feels bad about what he's done to me and wants to be in touch but is too ashamed to reach out.

Here's more of the back story https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325922.0 The ghosting followed four months of him being a perfect gentleman. Then this uninvited, head-spinning "adventure" to put it nicely. Who's the real him?

I really appreciate the non judgmental points of view people have here. I need your help putting this in perspective, deciding if I want to reach out or leave him be.

If I'd met a great guy that had the good qualities of the ex -- brilliant handsome funny fascinating -- I'd be over. Nothing to do with BPD (and/or narc?), that is not a draw for me. But people are whole packages and that's part of him.

Reason I still think of ex is, I've dated maybe a dozen men since him and they're all like pale imitations. And having met many people in my life (no kid here) I have a pretty good idea who's out there.

On the other hand, I feel I can't contact him at this point, it would be a chance for him to shoot me down which would be humiliating. He'd have all the power. No he wouldn't really, I would walk away if he were malicious -- done it before -- but he would perceive himself to have the power. And I'm 100% with someone who wrote on another board, that a condition of being in touch would be him opening up about his issues, being in therapy, doing the hard work to get his head on straight(er).

There was a long period where, if he had only done the above -- opened up -- I would have walked shoulder-to-shoulder with him through fire. On the condition that his striving for health was in earnest. He certainly inspired the good in me, I was kinder and more patient with him than I've ever been with a man. I can be dismissive, snobby, self-centered. Certainly I'm very picky. I truly admired his good qualities, and felt compassion for the shortcomings which were daunting.

Just two weeks ago, desperate to get this cyber-stalking to end, I was thinking of contacting him and asking, what can we do to make peace? With the goal of closure and to get him to leave me alone online. The boundary I laid down very clearly to him was -- you're welcome to contact me any time, but as you, not anonymously. He did not honor that. Is that a deal breaker?

On the other hand, it's been 1 year +++ since having sex - intimacy. I miss this terribly. Yes a woman can get that easily, but... .I'm attracted to few men. I was deeply attracted to the ex in this way.

On the other hand... .? She wore a glove as my mom used to say.  Help!

[spacecadet]

So apart one year now, NC at all since last Nov. except this blasted electronic stuff. It's calmed down lately which provides space to process.

I'm still not sure which lens through which to view it. It was very upsetting, certainly felt like abuse when he was breaking into my SM and that. But was it? HQ suggests in a true "radical acceptance" way that he may have been missing me and just spewing his emotions. It's when the noise dies down -- no calls that I know of for a week, no pings on the dating sites lately and I'm closing those down as the term expires -- that the stress abates and I remember the "good" him. That maybe he does have a conscience, feels bad about what he's done to me and wants to be in touch but is too ashamed to reach out.

Here's more of the back story https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325922.0 The ghosting followed four months of him being a perfect gentleman. Then this uninvited, head-spinning "adventure" to put it nicely. Who's the real him?

I really appreciate the non judgmental points of view people have here. I need your help putting this in perspective, deciding if I want to reach out or leave him be.

If I'd met a great guy that had the good qualities of the ex -- brilliant handsome funny fascinating -- I'd be over. Nothing to do with BPD (and/or narc?), that is not a draw for me. But people are whole packages and that's part of him.

Reason I still think of ex is, I've dated maybe a dozen men since him and they're all like pale imitations. And having met many people in my life (no kid here) I have a pretty good idea who's out there.

On the other hand, I feel I can't contact him at this point, it would be a chance for him to shoot me down which would be humiliating. He'd have all the power. No he wouldn't really, I would walk away if he were malicious -- done it before -- but he would perceive himself to have the power. And I'm 100% with someone who wrote on another board, that a condition of being in touch would be him opening up about his issues, being in therapy, doing the hard work to get his head on straight(er).

There was a long period where, if he had only done the above -- opened up -- I would have walked shoulder-to-shoulder with him through fire. On the condition that his striving for health was in earnest. He certainly inspired the good in me, I was kinder and more patient with him than I've ever been with a man. I can be dismissive, snobby, self-centered. Certainly I'm very picky. I truly admired his good qualities, and felt compassion for the shortcomings which were daunting.

Just two weeks ago, desperate to get this cyber-stalking to end, I was thinking of contacting him and asking, what can we do to make peace? With the goal of closure and to get him to leave me alone online. The boundary I laid down very clearly to him was -- you're welcome to contact me any time, but as you, not anonymously. He did not honor that. Is that a deal breaker?

On the other hand, it's been 1 year +++ since having sex - intimacy. I miss this terribly. Yes a woman can get that easily, but... .I'm attracted to few men. I was deeply attracted to the ex in this way.

On the other hand... .? She wore a glove as my mom used to say.  Help!

[spacecadet]

Being a little hard on myself when I say, snobby and dismissive. I can be in my own mind. Try to give my best to friends... .feedback is that I'm warm and thoughtful. But it often feels like an effort because people, many people, feel like bottomless wells of need to me.  So the pwBP is the piece de resistance.

My counselor thinks I don't miss him, the person, rather I miss the experience. This may be true. Still trying to figure it out. If the person is in the wind, how can I re-create the experience? Maybe not in full force, with one man, but here and there, intense experiences with different people, a feeling that the world is large and limitless... .I want that. Maybe it's all in my head? Meditating... .I want to rid myself of ego. Loving someone deeply, particularly a difficult or troubled soul, will give us a jump start in that, it's humbling. Being kind to him was easy because he inspired it. Would that remain consistent, who knows.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi space,

Of course you remember and miss the good parts of him.  I don't doubt he was one of a kind in your life.  Many of us would testify to that about our ex partners.  There are amazing qualities we've witnessed that are very difficult to resist and the sexual chemistry can be mind blowing, I know.  I hear you.  It has been over a year for me too and that's really hard.  I think in part you answered your own question to some degree.  The negative qualities you experienced are also part of the package and they can't be ignored or wished away.  The behaviour you've seen over the months with the cyber stalking doesn't indicate he's in a great place and is certainly not healthy, so that other side of him is very much a reality that needs to be factored into any decision you make.  Just be sure that you make your choice for the right reasons.

There was a long period where, if he had only done the above -- opened up -- I would have walked shoulder-to-shoulder with him through fire. On the condition that his striving for health was in earnest. He certainly inspired the good in me, I was kinder and more patient with him than I've ever been with a man. I can be dismissive, snobby, self-centered. Certainly I'm very picky. I truly admired his good qualities, and felt compassion for the shortcomings which were daunting.

You're very self aware and that's commendable.  Perhaps the r/s was an opportunity for you to recognise the positive qualities that you yourself possess.  Those daunting shortcomings aren't going to go anywhere without the commitment you describe that you'd need from him to work towards emotional health though.  All our experiences are individual and BPD is a spectrum disorder but what I can tell you is that I walked through that fire and once I became his trigger I was badly burned.  Some make it, some don't.  It's a big risk we take.  

The boundary I laid down very clearly to him was -- you're welcome to contact me any time, but as you, not anonymously. He did not honor that. Is that a deal breaker?

Only you can decide that, but know that the boundary you expressed to him was on yourself and you've maintained that thus far by not responding to his indirect contact.  We can only control our own behaviour and so far you've chosen to remain within your boundary of not contacting him.  We can of course choose to adjust our boundaries but ask yourself what has changed and be sure that you're not going against your values in the action you take/not.

What is important to you in a r/s spacecadet?  Perhaps doing that exercise would help you to work through your thoughts.

Love and light x  

[spacecadet]

HQ, of course you're spot on. I need to stick to my boundaries, they're healthy for me, and they're in fact healthy for him although he's not of a mind to honor them. There's no room even for casual friendship without him stepping up to the plate enough to approach me in a respectful way. If he can't do it it's his loss, and on some level he must know that.

I've very consistently let go for the past six months, only time he's been on my mind is to try to get him out of my computer and phone. It's just the break in pings and the thought that he (finally) can't reach me on the new number, this has caused me to not feel irked at him and remember the good moments. I would not consider a sexual involvement unless there first was built a pretty solid friendship based on the truth.

These past couple of days I've been a poster girl for cognitive dissonance.  

I just need a good shag and more miles will be laid down between myself and this experience.  
 

eta - thanks HQ for your kindness, it's appreciated

If anyone else can relate happy to hear... .

[Harley Quinn]

It's understandable that the silence would make it feel like more of a distance and more 'real' that he's out of your life.  The loss part of the breakup will be more poignant.  The same happened to me when my ex respected my NC request.  The sudden silence caused me to begin grieving over again from scratch.  I'm sure others can relate and will chime in.

Love and light x

[iberis]

I totally relate to what you've posted here, spacecadet. It's like, I want him to leave me alone, and then when he does for any amount of time, I get really nostalgic and miss the intensity of the connection. But then he contacts me again and it freaks me out, and I do everything I can to sever the connection. So weird. And yeah, everything else feels really pale in comparison. I guess that's something I need to figure out... .my own addiction to the drama and intensity, even when it is draining and throws me off the work I need to be doing for myself.

[EdR]

I totally relate to what you've posted here, spacecadet. It's like, I want him to leave me alone, and then when he does for any amount of time, I get really nostalgic and miss the intensity of the connection. But then he contacts me again and it freaks me out, and I do everything I can to sever the connection. So weird. And yeah, everything else feels really pale in comparison. I guess that's something I need to figure out... .my own addiction to the drama and intensity, even when it is draining and throws me off the work I need to be doing for myself.

I thought this was interesting. It really sounds as a BPD mechanic; I get the 'missing the intensity' part, but I do not get the 'and it freaks me out' part.
We can't really ask a pwBPD, so I thought this could be an interesting question: in an addiction the 'contact' would give you a temporary 'high'. Yet you describe it 'freaks you out'. Could you perhaps elaborate?

[DogMan75]

spacecadet, this resonates so very deeply with me in so many respects.

My ex and I have been “broken up” since November, but only no contact since the beginning of this month. Until then, we were still in almost constant contact.

She was the whole package to me. I used to say that she embodied all the best parts of all my previous girlfriends better than they did. She was sexier than my previous sexiest girlfriend. She was funnier than my funniest girlfriend. She was sweeter than my sweetest girlfriend, all in one. She was everything I could ever want and more. It just turns out that ”and more” would be a devastating mental illness.

I have gone on a couple dates since November. I didn’t really feel super ready to start dating again, honestly, as I’ve still really been in love with my ex. Both women were people that I’d met while still actively in my relationship. I had felt serious chemistry with each of them when I met them, but of course, I was in a relationship. Please note that I am not a creep: I don’t cheat, I don’t carry on emotional affairs -I am a hardcore monogamist and was completely devoted to my gf, but we are not the only two attractive people on earth. Attractive people are attractive.

One of these girls I only see once a year at a mutual friends holiday party in December. One month out is obviously way too soon after a breakup of this magnitude, but I wouldn’t see this girl for another year, should I miss this opportunity. Besides, I rationalized to myself, my ex and I had been attempting a therapeutic separation for one full year before that, so really, that must count for more time, right? Thinking that I can’t miss this opportunity for another year, we arrange a date.

I meet her at a favorite bar, we have great conversation, she turns out to be really interesting, there’s a lot of laughing. I like her. But there is no chemistry. It’s kind of weird and surprising to me, I mean, I had even felt chemistry with her before, and I’m rarely wrong about that. When I like a woman and can tell she likes me, historically, it’s been on, you know? I’m good at dating, I like dating new people, and connecting with people is rather a gift of mine, honestly -if I get to the point of successfully asking out a date, those dates go well almost 100% of the time (this isn’t to say 100% of the women I’ve asked out have said ‘yes’).

I don’t think too terribly much of it, we exchange one obligatory “I had a nice time” text exchange and that’s that.

Months pass, and a woman who I’d met in a professional capacity contacts me. She lives out of state, but she’s going to be in town and wants to meet up while she’s here. This is another one where the attraction had been palpable, in fact, she had been overt in expressing her end of the attraction, but I had been in a committed relationship. We make arrangements and when she finally arrives, we meet up.

We have a good time, I enjoy hanging out with her, she’s really funny and beautiful, but again -nothing. The first girl, as unlikely as it seems, sure, maybe I was wrong about our previous connection, but this one too? No, it had been unambiguous.

So what was happening here? Well, it is of note that as I said earlier, my ex and I were still in almost constant contact. Every conversation had one “what would it take to get back to together”, or, “We owe it to ourselves to try again someday,” or, “I can’t be with you and I can’t be with anyone else,” or, “I’m all yours,” from her. I tried to gently shut that down, but it did get to me. I knew that it couldn’t work by then, but that didn’t stop me from wanting it. I couldn’t bring myself to completely let go. I was still hoping maybe this would be the moment she turned it around. A more thorough account of this whole thing is available in my post history, if the details matter.

Anyway, this whole debacle brings me to the realization of how attached to her I still am, have been this whole time. How the continued contact has kept me drawn in, despite what I might have told myself. To know intellectually that something is over, that it can’t work, will never work, is a far cry from being emotionally detached. I’m realizing that even though we’ve been “broken up” since November, that I have really only begun the process of detaching emotionally right now.

Realizing this, accepting this, I can look back and see why these dates I’d gone on hadn’t worked out. I am still just emotionally unavailable at this point. It’s not that they’re not suitable, it’s that I’m not ready yet. Maybe that’s what’s going on with you too.

12 guys, no sparks? I mean, just mathematically, isn’t it likely you’d have felt something for one of them? Maybe, despite that incessant biological drive, you’re just not ready emotionally yet. It sucks to have your sex drive and your emotional regulators out of sync. I hear you here as well.

At the end of the month, I’m going to a housewarming party hosted by an old friend. Also in attendance will be a high-school crush whom I’ve only seen a handful of times over the years. Every time I’ve bumped into her I’ve been in one relationship or another, but good God is she gorgeous. There are definite indicators that the attraction is mutual.

How messed up is it that a very conscious part of me hopes that she is involved so that I don’t have to make a decicion about how to proceed?

I’m just not ready yet, I guess.

 

[iberis]

I do not get the 'and it freaks me out' part.
We can't really ask a pwBPD, so I thought this could be an interesting question: in an addiction the 'contact' would give you a temporary 'high'. Yet you describe it 'freaks you out'. Could you perhaps elaborate?

I can’t speak for any situation but my own, EdR, and I certainly can’t speak for someone with BPD. That said, the reason it “freaks me out” when he contacts me is because his language is harsh, blaming, manipulative, etc. and comes as a stark contrast to the illusion I may have been in while reminiscing about the positive things about the connection. The shock of the wake-up call of how painful it really is to be in communication with him.

I don’t think it has anything to do with a “high” of being contacted. There is a charge, but not a “high”. The same kind of charge you feel if someone knocks on your door late at night or something.

And another clarification point- my observation that I have an addiction to the drama and intensity is based on how I am still mentally and emotionally engaged in trying to “figure it all out”. I assume that a totally healthy person would have been able to fully disengage (even energetically) a long time ago. There’s still a hook in me about this. That’s the addiction- not him, per se. And I know it’s totally an inside job to address it.

[EdR]

I can’t speak for any situation but my own, EdR, and I certainly can’t speak for someone with BPD. That said, the reason it “freaks me out” when he contacts me is because his language is harsh, blaming, manipulative, etc. and comes as a stark contrast to the illusion I may have been in while reminiscing about the positive things about the connection. The shock of the wake-up call of how painful it really is to be in communication with him.

I don’t think it has anything to do with a “high” of being contacted. There is a charge, but not a “high”. The same kind of charge you feel if someone knocks on your door late at night or something.

Okay, thank you. I understand. For a moment I kinda thought 'it freaks me out' was far more subconscious. Some feeling you couldn't really rationally explain. That's why I thought it could be interesting. But in your case it is not so much 'something you can't control'. It is not some kind of 'dysregulated state'. It is just a direct response to the factual contents of the communication.

[spacecadet]

All our experiences are individual and BPD is a spectrum disorder but what I can tell you is that I walked through that fire and once I became his trigger I was badly burned.  Some make it, some don't.  It's a big risk we take.  

What is important to you in a r/s spacecadet?  Perhaps doing that exercise would help you to work through your thoughts.

Love and light x  

HQ thank you for your insights. I'm sorry you went through this and got burned. Would you want to share a bit more? I know your story is here in past posts but as you are far along in your path... .was your ex-h diagnosed, in treatment of any kind?

My ex had had some, it sounded like DBT but based on his conduct one wouldn't make a ringing endorsement of this therapy.

Good question about what I want. The qualities I have a decent handle on -- integrity is crucial and not the easiest thing to find. Other qualities are actually not that hard to find where I live -- intelligence, humor, social awareness.

One thing I'm certainly seeing a lot of in on-line dating is, men who are not really finished with ex's. It's a by-product of our age, old enough to have grown children, many divorced and had some kind of mad affair post-divorce... .intense and hard to really get past. And of course now I'm one of these people.    Problem is, mine and many other people's, is having realistic expectations. I'm meeting quite a few men who prefer to be with someone 10-20 years younger than they are.  Which is fine on one level, everyone should have their heart's desire but... .we may miss someone incredible if we can't look past the superficial. My ex had a bit of a pooch around the middle but to me he was as handsome as Clark Gable. I was looking at him as a whole being, a whole man. We have to look through eyes of love or we'll remain alone. Yesterday I had brunch with someone (from online), he's attractive but he's 59 and only wants to date women in their 40s, and he has silver hair and a gigantic stomach, employed but not wealthy by any means and I'm left scratching my head. Like, has he looked in the mirror lately?  

Paradoxically I've been approached online by several men in their 20s and 30s who say I'm hot, and I can't even imagine going there... .these men could be my sons! Yikes.

Excuse the rambling. We're all so mixed up. At a point in life where I always expected clarity. In some moments in fact I do have a glimmer of that. Other times I feel I've learned nothing.

What I do understand is, after our ex's who made our hearts pound with excitement, it's hard to come back down to earth. Just hearing his name, his voice, getting the daily email from him -- made my heart pound. I really miss that. Maybe it's something we must give up at some point? I don't know.

[spacecadet]

Iberis thanks for sharing that you relate. You are so insightful and you're searched your own heart to decide you have an "inside job." I like that, it's something I relate to.

I have been mulling over how Al-Anon might help me. It feels a little weird, like I'd say, "Hi I'm spacecadet and I'm a stalkaholic."     Maybe it would aid my journey.

EdR the high you describe is something I felt for some time after the split. Many of the stalking things were very upsetting and alarming to me when they first happened. Seeing that he's broken into one of my accounts. Yikes, I would just feel violated, furious (how dare he?) and horrified. Then a day later I'd calm down and think, maybe he'll get up his nerve and actually contact me like a normalperson. But he's NOT a normalperson. So then I'd feel down on myself, like what a moron I am.

Lately I've been doing comfort eating and my biggest aha moment when alone is, wow bread is the perfect nutella delivery platform.   .   I need to resume working out and get back on low carb.

[spacecadet]

spacecadet, this resonates so very deeply with me in so many respects.

My ex and I have been “broken up” since November, but only no contact since the beginning of this month. Until then, we were still in almost constant contact.

She was the whole package to me. I used to say that she embodied all the best parts of all my previous girlfriends better than they did. She was sexier than my previous sexiest girlfriend. She was funnier than my funniest girlfriend. She was sweeter than my sweetest girlfriend, all in one. She was everything I could ever want and more. It just turns out that ”and more” would be a devastating mental illness.

Hi DogMan75, I can so relate to this. My ex was handsome, had a beautiful voice. He was brilliant, sophisticated, spoke several languages... .he smelled nice, he was a good kisser. It's awful. And yes, he had a mental illness bad enough he seemed to pine for me when it was a LDR but couldn't even bear to see me for coffee once I moved. How sad is that. He was afraid that I was out to hurt him or something, when I only wanted to be close, to be his friend. I think in truth he had no perspective on himself, so of course how could he know me? I never realized he had BPD until after the split, but I saw his fragility in real time, figured he had PTSD. I tried to be a soothing place for him but he couldn't stand it and pushed me away. He had love, he had me, and torpedoed the whole thing.

12 guys, no sparks? I mean, just mathematically, isn’t it likely you’d have felt something for one of them? Maybe, despite that incessant biological drive, you’re just not ready emotionally yet. It sucks to have your sex drive and your emotional regulators out of sync. I hear you here as well.

Yes that may be. I'm also too picky for my own good.

How messed up is it that a very conscious part of me hopes that she is involved so that I don’t have to make a decision about how to proceed?

Not messed up at all, it makes perfect sense.

What struck me reading of your dates is that your heart is maybe feeling battered and closed off, and getting frisky is biological / physical, yet it's also emotional. The heart and let's say our lower brains are connected. Maybe more so as we mature. In me at least the two are more integrated. I used to be able to have sport (fun) and don't know if I can do that anymore. I wish I could, it would help me get over.

How would it be for you to stay in touch with these women, who you know have appeal, be frank with them that you like them yet are not ready for romance, that you'd value their company to talk and visit from time to time?

That's what I've been doing with man friends. Some flee  certainly their prerogative but others stay in touch, maybe hoping for a shift inside me.

Thank you for sharing, your honesty really touched me.

space

[Lady Itone]

Y'all, I just came on here thinking to write a similar post.

It's been a month of mostly NC (I let her email so she she won't do anything more drastic.) But we hadn't been properly "together" for over a year. We were on-again, off-again, then LDR. I tried to date other people. Recently, I had a fling with a neighbor, but that just fizzled out. I just didn't feel connected during sex.

Making love to exBPDgf was the best I've ever had. She was so erotically beautiful to me. I miss her voice, her smell, her gentleness. She was pretty much psychic when it came to me, I never needed to explain my emotions. She was insightful and compassionate and fierce. I didn't just love her. I was/am obsessed.  

But I know I can't safely have a partnership with someone whose mental illness is so severe. I tried. It put me in a dark place.

I still get that "charged" feeling when she contacts me, makes my hands shake and my mouth go dry.

When people say to me "you must like the drama," I correct them. It's the flip side of the erratic, destructive behavior that I loved. Her passion, her spontaneity, her childlike ability to feel things deeply.  

I have moments of doing dangerous mental gymnastics, where I tell myself: So what if she has to be hospitalized every few months because she goes on amphetamine binges? So what if she can't hold a job? So what if she smashes all my wine glasses and puts a hole in my wall when we fight, and when times get tough, she dysregulates and makes everything much, much worse? I'd just have to be mother, husband, boss and therapist all at once, surely I can handle that?

I guess I'm supposed to believe there's "someone out there" who will be better for me. Or I'm supposed to learn to be happy all alone. Fact is, I'm a middle-aged queer who lives in a place with a small dating pool. I'm lonely as heck and I want my lover   

I know better than to contact her with any such passionate words. It's easy to remember the good stuff now that my anger and upset from the last episode has passed, I start to view her in a more compassionate light again. I will send a polite card on her birthday at the end of the month, but that's it.

I wouldn't intentionally hurt that woman for the world. I would put a ring on it if she actually stopped doing drugs, went into therapy, finished school, etc... I might always leave the door between us cracked a little, just in case she ever does help herself.  
  
But if I have to choose between me and her, I choose me.

[once removed]

I need your help putting this in perspective, deciding if I want to reach out or leave him be.

hey spacecadet,

youve reached out to him previously, yes?

[Harley Quinn]

HQ thank you for your insights. I'm sorry you went through this and got burned. Would you want to share a bit more? I know your story is here in past posts but as you are far along in your path... .was your ex-h diagnosed, in treatment of any kind?

Hi space,

Sure I'm happy to share.  I thank my stars we didn't marry, although I would have in a heartbeat.  Luckily for me he remained married to an estranged wife whom he'd left 2 years earlier. 

He was under the mental health team when I met him, seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist.  They were finalising his diagnosis and arranging a treatment path.  He was on the extreme end of the spectrum.  Absolute textbook.  It impressed me that he had the self awareness to seek help a year prior and continued to engage with services.  Thought he must have a handle on things but I didn't realise what I was getting into until it was too late...   He asked me to come to his appointments and I did, which was helpful as we worked with his psychologist on a crisis management plan and she gave him lots of strategies, which he used - at least when my son was around.  However the fact he used such restraint in those times meant that I got the full force of his BPD when my son wasn't and it blew me away, but I was so involved then and in the FOG.  I was lost in him.   

After enduring a great deal of emotional trauma with his suicide attempts and many abusive behaviours, things ended in violence and my losing my son to his father followed by a year long court battle to get my son back.  We have equal custody now.  My BPD experience was both the best and worst r/s of my life to date.  I wouldn't change a thing, especially the fact that it is over. 

Being broken down to our component parts in itself creates a priceless opportunity to rebuild from scratch and to customise as we see fit.  Aim to be your best self, spacecadet.  Then you will draw to yourself potential partners who possess the qualities you desire.  I think before we can find that person though, that it is necessary to do the work of fully detaching and healing, which includes ideally spending some real time on ourselves and exploring those things in us which we would like to change or improve.  Having a BPD r/s has a way of casting light on those areas, which is the hidden gift.  What have been the lessons for you so far do you think?

Love and light x   

[spacecadet]

Thanks for sharing everyone. I'm in a really different place, getting used to the quiet. Really busy lately with things I love.

Ex barely comes to mind. I hope he finds the love he wants. That's my only thought/feeling about the past.

Will pop in again, meantime wishing all of you healing and love.

[truthbeknown]

HQ, of course you're spot on. I need to stick to my boundaries, they're healthy for me, and they're in fact healthy for him although he's not of a mind to honor them. There's no room even for casual friendship without him stepping up to the plate enough to approach me in a respectful way. If he can't do it it's his loss, and on some level he must know that.

I've very consistently let go for the past six months, only time he's been on my mind is to try to get him out of my computer and phone. It's just the break in pings and the thought that he (finally) can't reach me on the new number, this has caused me to not feel irked at him and remember the good moments. I would not consider a sexual involvement unless there first was built a pretty solid friendship based on the truth.

These past couple of days I've been a poster girl for cognitive dissonance.  

I just need a good shag and more miles will be laid down between myself and this experience.  
 

I have heard women say this and it hurts me to hear it because i think my ex cheated to get over me and then kept "shagging him" until it fell apart.  Then she contacted me and I had to put up a boundary.  I still have nightmares of her having sex with someone else but i don't want to use someone to get over my pain (plus i don't know if it's easier for women but i still wouldn't feel better if i did it in this way).  It's been 9 going on 10 months since the last break up and I wish i could do a Men in Black on both of us and use the Neuralator and erase both of our memories and start over.  I would ask the Man in Black to make a good suggestion that she stay with me this time and be committed to self growth and growth in relationship with me.  Anyway let me know if the superficial sex helps (i hope it does and wish it would for me but i know myself too well).

eta - thanks HQ for your kindness, it's appreciated

If anyone else can relate happy to hear... .

[spacecadet]

I appreciate the responses. Taking last first, Truthbeknown, sounds like my words triggered a reaction in you which I did not intend. I joke around quite a bit, and my remark about a shag was half in jest. The kernel of truth is, there is probably no completely getting over an old love without a new love. I’m no saint having screwed up many moments, but I’ve never cheated on anyone, and I don’t go in for meaningless sex. Although there’s a large number of men who seems perfectly satisfied to start up that way. Perhaps many women too, I don’t know, but I’m straight so I’ve only ever been involved with men. When you’re on the old-fashioned side it’s hard to navigate the dating world these days.

HQ, I’m sorry that you went through this with someone severely troubled and just starting treatment. It's clear that you’ve come a long way in your healing, while yet not being 100% over the trauma. I know you can travel the rest of this hard road as it seems the worst is behind you.

Once removed, you’re right I did in fact reach out to him last November and never heard back directly, only the disguised calls and messages which seemed to fly straight out from his amygdala. I didn’t see any point to contacting him again during the cyber-stalking because he was obviously in a pretty bad place. Now that we’re in a quiet, “stalk-free” zone (yay) I would anticipate yet another rejection. I’ve read here about how people w/BP can want contact but feel too much shame to ask for it directly, but my pride stops me from reaching out. Who wants to volunteer to get smacked? 

Lady Itone, I’m sorry you’re in the thick of the heartbreak. It does get easier with time… I know that’s horribly cliche and probably does not bring much solace but it’s true. Meantime the more you can throw yourself into things that bring you joy/satisfaction, the less the time spent with regrets or repetitive thinking. Meeting people really helps as well… in my experience this intense involvement and confusing break-up rewires the brain a bit, and some old friends won’t understand you anymore - some will, those are keepers - while new friends offer some of the stimulation we miss in the aftermath of the whirlwind.