First time member

[Retired2017]

Hello, my adult daughter is 47 yrs old and has Bipolar Disorder and has been recovering from substance abuse for 10 years and has been sober for this long. I am at my wits end because although she sees a Dr every month to get prescriptions refilled, she does not participate in AA or any other type of therapy and she still displays some of the traits of when she was using. She is very successful at her work but she is irresponsible with money, has, in the past, become addicted to gambling (has since stopped), had $18,000 worth of parking tickets near her work and is always borrowing money from me even though she makes great money for a single person. Her son is 24 years old. She lost her 19 year old daughter in a car accident 8 years ago and she was sexually abused as a 12 year old. Enough to make anyone cry right? But I just wanted to give you a little background. My Daughter is a wonderful person who is isolated and we have had terrible fights on and off for the last 20 years. I am now 67. Recently, I have been feeling crazy and have obsessive thinking about her, I worry about her 24/7, sometimes cannot sleep because  her health is a little precarious: type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, migraine headaches and is very overweight. I have been going to Al Anon and started seeing a therapist for me (not the first time) and recently, I told her I was not going to enable her anymore when it comes to lending her money for things I feel she is able and can do for herself and she comes back with "isn't that what Families are for"? I feel very manipulated and used and feel the relationship is very one-sided. I give give give and she takes, takes, takes. We walk on eggshells around each other and we don't have an authentic relationship at all. When I have approached her and gently tried to tell her these things, (maybe its the way I say them) but she is absolutely dismayed and astounded that I feel this way. She accuses me of being too critical, that she doesn't know what I want from her, that nothing she does is good enough for me, etc and then I find myself backpedaling and feeling guilty. Is this manipulation on her part, or can she really not see what I am saying? I am so confused.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Hi Retired2017,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm so sorry to hear about your granddaughter, that is a terrible and painful loss.    

It sounds like your daughter has had both setbacks (addictions) and made progress (getting her addictions under control, holding a good paying job... .).  I'm sorry to hear that your anxiety level is so high, has something happened recently that has triggered your anxiety level to go up? 

It sounds like you could use some self care, it's really important that you take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for anyone if you make yourself ill and exhausted.  Maybe think of something you can do everyday even for a few minutes that is just for you and takes your focus off your daughter for a little while.  I'm a quilter, I start sewing and my mind comes more into the present, not ruminating on past and not worried about the future but I'm just in the present moment focused on the task at hand.  Can you think of something that puts you in that place?  For your physical health and help with your mood some exercise would be good and no you don't have to go to the gym and pump iron!  Maybe just a walk around the block to start.  Get some sun and get those endorphins going, I know you will feel better. 

... .always borrowing money from me even though she makes great money for a single person.

I told her I was not going to enable her anymore when it comes to lending her money for things I feel she is able and can do for herself... .

I think this is an excellent boundary, you are absolutely right that she can do this at 47 with a good paying job, she sure can.     Boundaries aren't to punish someone else they are to protect ourselves and at 67 and retired I'm sure your money isn't growing on trees and you do need to take care of yourself here (this isn't selfishness it is self-care!).

... .and she comes back with "isn't that what Families are for"?

Above is what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  See it for what it is and act accordingly... .you see the Obligation and Guilt in the above statement.  No families are not endless supplies of money as adults we are expected take care of our own responsibilities.

A link to more on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

She accuses me of being too critical, that she doesn't know what I want from her, that nothing she does is good enough for me, etc and then I find myself backpedaling and feeling guilty. Is this manipulation on her part, or can she really not see what I am saying? I am so confused.

To people with BPD feelings can often equal facts to them.  You most likely aren't being too critical but she feels like you are.  This is where validation could be helpful.  Validate her feelings (this doesn't not mean validate bad behavior and this doesn't mean validating the invalid).

More information on Validation... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

I'm really glad you decided to join us and jump in with your first post    There is a lot of support, information and tools to be found here and a group of really great people that "get it".

Take Care,
Panda39

[Merlot]

HI Retired2017

Along with Panda39, I also welcome you here.

I'm sorry for the loss of your granddaughter, that really is so very tragic for your family.  It sounds like you have been through a lot and I can hear the exhaustion of having to justify your boundaries that you've set, and the worry you have for your daughter's physical and mental health.

I feel very manipulated and used and feel the relationship is very one-sided. I give give give and she takes, takes, takes. We walk on eggshells around each other and we don't have an authentic relationship at all.

I have been coming here for six months and this seems to be such a common theme to so many parents, where we give and give.  Boundary setting often leads to being told that we are the worst people on earth and in my case, I've been cut out of my DD's life. 

This is manipulation, and in my circumstances, my daughter had no ability to understand my viewpoint.  In fact, she cut me off after a appalling behaviour which preceded a violent rage.  It was much easier for her to shift that blame on to me.  Often those with BPD have extreme difficulty accepting responsbility where it is associated with shameful behaviour.

But given that you are in contact with your daughter, I agree with Panda39, that validating her emotions and calmly reinforcing your boundaries preserves your value proposition but also acknowledges that she doesn't have to be happy and you can certainly validate that.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and glad you came here to share, it is always very comforting to talk to others that are sharing similar circumstances.

Take care of yourself and I hope you get some sleep.

Hugs to you  
Merlot