BPD ex gf: She usually drops a guy and moves on, but cries over me

[Wolves15753]

Hello everyone, I posted in the wrong section by accident so here it goes.

Never thought I’d be the one to actually create a post on something like this to get other people’s inputs.

So about 2 years ago, I met this girl and things started moving so fast, it was insane. She couldn’t be without me and I couldn’t be without her. I slowly began noticing little things with her, Everytime I wouldn’t respond to a text within 3 minutes I’d start getting phone calls. She would always think I’m lying to her when I told her exactly where I’d be. She always cried  to her mom about how “different” I was than any other guy she was ever with, I was nice, I was a bad boy, I gave her attention, I gave her compliments, I took her out. I did everything right.  

The first fight we ever had, truly unraveled everything. I told her that I think we should stop seeing each other, and she began crying hysterically, begging me not to leave her. “You can’t go, please don’t leave me, I will hurt myself”. So there I was, shocked at what I just heard. Ever since then, it was constant fights about absolutely nothing. When I would fall back from the fighting, I’d find her contacting me after a few hours or even days. For months, our relationship went on like this. Then, she breaks up with me and has sex with someone the same week. I found out and told her I’m done with her. Went no contact for about 2 1/2 months and then out of nowhere i get a phone call, it was her, “please don’t hang up I need to talk to you” long story short, we got back together and everything was back to how it was when we first met, then everything started cycling back to how it was cause of stress from her school and work.  Everytime we would fight, she would always go to her friend and cry about how much she loves me and doesn’t want to be without me “I don’t know why I keep fighting with him, I love him Everytime we stop talking I miss him so much”. But I never knew she did that, her friend told me secretly later on. This brings me to today, we got into a fight about a week ago and she didn’t wanna talk to me at all, she kept saying “good bye good bye” I got fed up with her responses I said “bye have a good one” and we haven’t spoken since. Her friend told me that for the 15 years that she knows my ex, my ex has NEVER EVER cried about a guy like she has about me. She usually drops a guy and blocks him from everything and moves onto the next. Did I psychologically leave a mark on her? Her friend told me secretly that she always cries about me and misses me when we cut ties. She also told me that my ex has NEVER EVER cried about a guy the way she cries about me. She usually dumps a guy and moves on.  Will she contact me again? Trying to understand what goes on in her head. Any feedback would be highly appreciated.

EDIT: 

I also forgot to mention that randomly she would make this face (the same face a 6 year old sad girl makes) and she would look me into my eyes and ask me “please don’t leave me” I would tell her don’t worry I’m not going anywhere, you got me I’m always here for u, she would try to validate it by saying “you promise?” With the saddest face I ever seen in my life.

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[RomanticFool]

Hi Wolves,

Welcome to the forum.

You are in a horrible cycle of push/pull. The only way you are going to get clarity about the situation is to take the spotlight off your partner and turn it onto yourself. Why are you engaging in this push/pull cycle which sounds painful and stressful for you both?

I have been in a very similar pattern with a married woman on and off for fifteen years. What I have discovered is that we were triggering each other’s abandonment issues. I behave loving towards her, she doesn’t respond or pulls away because she is married and fears ‘engulfment.’ I threaten to leave because my abandonment issues are triggered and she then gives me ST when what I really want and need is her to love me. Sound familiar at all?

Keep posting on here and stay close to this amazing resource. You will get a lot of valuable insight here.

RF

[pearlsw]

Hi Wolves15753,

My SO would say he loves me very much and can't imagine life without me. He's also broken up with me hundreds of times. I said hundreds. Yep.

He feels intense rejection, pain, abandonment, etc. and before I can do anything to him, he breaks up with me - to off load the pain. After many years and conversations he "gets" that this is a bad idea, but he can't stop himself from doing it. In my case he has deep shame and regret and can recognize his brain does not function properly, but at the time he can't do much about it sometimes... .we're still observing what is or isn't possible for us.

Your situation is yours, I am just sharing mine.

I think it is important to have empathy for our partners, but we don't have to tolerate what we can't tolerate. In my situation at some point this became emotional abuse.

My guess is she probably genuinely loves you more than other guys she's met. She is probably frustrated she can't understand herself or function well.

It is possible she'll contact you. Yes. But what do you want?

with compassion, pearl.

[Wolves15753]

She’s actually told me the below:

“Go die”
“I swear on my mothers life we are done”
“You’re a moron ___ off”
“We are done for good”

I even went as far as name calling her, yet she still returned to me. She said “Every guy I talk to after you is so different, I hate it. I want you”...

Each and every relationship she was in, was horrible, they used her, abused her. I even catch her a few times crying asking me “why do you even like me?”.

She acknoledges the fact that she has mental issues, but she’s not doing anything to help herself... can someone tell me why she keeps getting drawn to me? Is it a psychological  thing? It’s been 2 days since we spoke.

[pearlsw]

Hi again Wolves15753,

My husband has said he "could never, ever, ever meet anyone as wonderful as me. I am his dream, etc. etc."

He has also said: "He hates me. Wishes he'd never met me. Should never have married me." Belittled my education, profession, my looks, my body, my mother, grandfather, um... .what else? Told me he could replace me, that there was a line of women outside he could replace me with, etc., etc. Well, you get the point.

My husband asks me how I could love him too. Fair question really after talking to me like that - in totally unacceptable ways.

This is what this form of mental illness looks like. Tough, huh?

A lot of people with mental illnesses have trouble seeking treatment or staying on meds. That's how it is with the brain. Tough organ to have not be at full function I'd say. It can really misfire!

She has feelings for you... .How do you feel about her?

take care, pearl.

[Wolves15753]

Hi again Wolves15753,

My husband has said he "could never, ever, ever meet anyone as wonderful as me. I am his dream, etc. etc."

He has also said: "He hates me. Wishes he'd never met me. Should never have married me." Belittled my education, profession, my looks, my body, my mother, grandfather, um... .what else? Told me he could replace me, that there was a line of women outside he could replace me with, etc., etc. Well, you get the point.

My husband asks me how I could love him too. Fair question really after talking to me like that - in totally unacceptable ways.

This is what this form of mental illness looks like. Tough, huh?

A lot of people with mental illnesses have trouble seeking treatment or staying on meds. That's how it is with the brain. Tough organ to have not be at full function I'd say. It can really misfire!

She has feelings for you... .How do you feel about her?

take care, pearl.

I’m mentally tired, that’s why I’m not really stressing about this like I used to in the beginning, I slowly started reading her body language, the things that she says, how she reacts, I learned her basically. I do care about her and I do have feelings for her because when she’s grounded out, we always laugh, have a great time, sex is great, always a strong connection, but then when one little thing happens I get life, I get pulled in and get ignored. Which often times makes me feel like she’s talking to someone else. I’m just trying to understand through a psychological point of view as to why she can’t seem to let go of me 100% like she has with EVERY other guy. It’s quite funny because her preview ex, used to abuse her so bad but she kept running back to him because he was a psycho himself. Until one day he beat her so bad she went to the hospital. When we broke up the first time she actually got back into contact with him somehow.  Is it possible that she still wants him? Is it possible that she’s been contacting other ex’s while being wit me because she fears that I’ll leave her?

[RomanticFool]

Wolves,

What about you? Why are you engaging in a situation with somebody so unable to have a relationship? What are you getting out of it? Those questions are more likely to lead to some enlightenment rather than trying to figure out what makes your ex behave the way she does. It was said to me on here that we are attracted to our emotional equals. Does that sound right to you?

I would encourage you to read on the Tools forums here about the nature of BPD and particularly look at empathy and validation skills. It may help in future conversations with your SO.

RF

[Wolves15753]

Wolves,

What about you? Why are you engaging in a situation with somebody so unable to have a relationship? What are you getting out of it? Those questions are more likely to lead to some enlightenment rather than trying to figure out what makes your ex behave the way she does. It was said to me on here that we are attracted to our emotional equals. Does that sound right to you?

I would encourage you to read on the Tools forums here about the nature of BPD and particularly look at empathy and validation skills. It may help in future conversations with your SO.

RF

Men have been taking advantage of her, when she seeks out that attention, it’s always the wrong guy that she turns to, she goes to the guy who will most likely abuse her or use her. She doesnt catch on until later, then she’ll get depressed, then she’ll probably end up contacting me. I’m not a fool, I’m not going to take her back after she’s had sex with others, then realized she missed me. That happened once and it won’t happen again

[RomanticFool]

Wolves,

I’m sorry to hear of your SO’s vulnerability. That must be painful for her to be treated in that way and no doubt reinforces her shame once she succumbs to others. It sounds to me like a function of her particular traits/depression.

Do you love her? If you don’t want her back why are you embroiled in her madness? Has the relationship ended once and for all do you think?

RF

[Wolves15753]

Wolves,

I’m sorry to hear of your SO’s vulnerability. That must be painful for her to be treated in that way and no doubt reinforces her shame once she succumbs to others. It sounds to me like a function of her particular traits/depression.

Do you love her? If you don’t want her back why are you embroiled in her madness? Has the relationship ended once and for all do you think?

RF

I can safely say that I love her, but I don’t think I’m IN love with her.  It’s pretty scary because you asked me if I think my relationship with her is over. To be honest, I felt like my relationship with her was done for good about 11 times in the past 2 years. Literally told me that she is done with me while I’m full rage, I thought several times that it’s over. For some reason, she always finds a way to contact me. She’s the type of girl to drop a guy and move on, but for some reason, she can’t stay away from me too long, she begins to fall into depression when realizing I’m not there anymore.  Keep in mind, this is the girl who’s been in abusive relationships all her life, and all of a sudden, an amazing caring guy who has never laid a finger on her comes into her life and treats her like a queen. Do you think she will ever forget me? I’m hoping she does, and I’m hoping she doesn’t at the same time. I do, because it would be easier to move on, and I don’t because I care for her and don’t want another a-hole to ruin her some more, she’s very naive when it comes to men, for example, she would walk around with a guy, all smiling and actually thinking he’s so nice and that he cares about her, but in reality, I saw the guy myself and he’s obviously playing a game to get her undressed and she doesn’t see it that way. So sad

[pearlsw]

Hi Wolves15753,

So, to be clear, are you trying to have a relationship with her or want to move on? Or are you still deciding?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Wolves15753]

Hi Wolves15753,

So, to be clear, are you trying to have a relationship with her or want to move on? Or are you still deciding?

wishing you the best, pearl.

I started talking to another girl today, I can’t keep doing this cycle, it happened twice already, what’s to say it won’t happen again. I’m just kinda nervous to get a contact from her. I don’t want it to happen but I know it will