My wife just got an apartment

[sadandlonely]

My wife is moving out soon and has already mentioned she wants a divorce. She has almost every trait of BPD but hasn't been diagnosed yet to the best of my knowledge.

I know this is a serious illness but I love her and I don't want to lose her. The thought of throwing away our marriage just makes me sick inside. Despite the issues we are having now, things have usually been really good. How do I get her back and avoid divorce? I'm not even clear why she wants a divorce because the reason changes all the time and when I point to facts why what she says isn't true, she finds a new reason.

I'm lost and looking for any advice. Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, but am glad that you've found us.  You can learn tools here to help you interact more effectively with your wife.  You mentioned pointing out facts to convince her that what she's saying isn't true.  This can backfire, because it runs against our pwBPD's emotions.  To a pwBPD, emotions equal facts, even though to your logical mind, they do not.  One of the first tools to learn to avoid making things worse is how to not “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).

JADEing is perceived as invalidating to the pwBPD.  Validation is an extremely important tool.  To learn more about validation, take a look at this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating. 

Can you tell us a little more about your relationship?  How long have you been married?  What was the timeline, and were there any significant events as the relationship deteriorated?  Do you have any kids?

WW

[sadandlonely]

I understand it was wrong to debate her reasoning now, but at the time it seems like the best way to "show her the light". Almost like she just wasn't seeing things clearly and if we talked about it things might change. I didn't know much about BPD before and that this was a bad idea at the time.

We have been married 8 years, she started flirting with another guy about 6 months ago which caused some issues. I also had a parent die last year which she constantly comments how badly it affected her.

She has made comments that I will die one day and leave her, but why leave me now then? All of this has made me very depressed like I have never felt before and I don't know which way is up.

[Radcliff]

Don't beat yourself up, I have been married longer than you and with a certainty can say I've made more mistakes!  I think nearly every member wishes they'd found bpdfamily sooner.

I'm so sorry to hear that you recently lost a parent.  That is a difficult loss.  It must be especially hard when your wife talks about the effect it had on her, if she's not also acknowledging the effect it had on you.  Does she acknowledge this?

You mentioned that your wife is afraid that you will die.  Did she suffer any losses of loved ones as a child?

Do you have any children?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi sadandlonely,

Sorry you are having such troubles in your marriage!

Wanted to ask, what reasons does she give for wanting a divorce? To your knowledge, has she consulted a lawyer yet?

take care, pearl.

[sadandlonely]

@Wentworth
I would say she acknowledges that it hurt me, but it still seems to be a bigger deal for her. But it really seems to play with her abandonment issues.

We don't have any children.

She didn't have any loved ones die when she was younger but she is adopted.

@pearlsw
I don't believe she has consulted a lawyer yet. The only reasons I get are that she isn't happy and feels empty inside. Over the last few months she has said I don't do enough with her but the next moment she will say I'm smothering her. She has also accused me of being too controlling. I'm not clear on her exact reason.

[pearlsw]

Hi sadandlonely,

I must admit I am always amazed at how many of the stories here echo. The stories of women with BPD seem to feature this a lot - her suddenly moving out.

Has she ever expressed the opposite point of view, that she would want to stay together? My SO is very black and white and will never want me to go, and then want me to go immediately. I think, when I really look at it, he does not want to lose me.

Is she open to conversations with you or is she starting to cut you off?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[sadandlonely]

@pearlsw
She has expressed wanting to stay in the past but not much lately. The best I get is that she isn't sure what she wants.

She will still talk to me but mostly just to talk. She doesn't want to discuss the relationship much at this point.

[Radcliff]

How long have you been married?
Has your wife expressed a specific timeline for moving out?  Made any specific plans like talking about where she'd move to?

The best bet near-term is to look for opportunities to validate her.  If she expresses any feelings, acknowledge them and validate them.  You might be surprised that when you think you are being a good listener, she may still not feel heard.

When you talk with her, what kinds of things do you talk about?  Are these conversations in passing in the kitchen, or are you able to sit down on the couch and talk for extended periods?

WW