Had a couple of dates with a non, a wonderful man

[juju2]

I had a couple of dates with a non, a wonderful man, and that made a difference in my growth.  To know i can be normal and attractive to a great guy.  He has helped me.
Am going very slow, he is more ready than i am to get into a r/s.  And then, something from his past came up, he said he is unavailable for a while.  And i am not freaking out... .

Its ok if he never gets in contact with me again.  I trust my Higher Power.  

One thing i've done that i will stop, is i help my ex w financial difficulties.  Thats an old pattern, we had income inequality, and its not appreciated.  Its just putting my resources into a black hole.  After all these years, everything i gave and did, its exhausting to me.  I no longer am interested in a one sided r/s.  Its not so much that i dont want to be generous.  Its just that i have to get smart, get discernment.  Pause.  Sorry i hijacked again... .

[Shawnlam]

It seems you are very aware of what you need to do which is an excellent state of mind to be in.Also not getting to attached and investing too much at the beginning of a relationship or courtship is a good path to be on,always protect yourself and put yourself first “always” .This isn’t being selfish it’s being a survivalist which in today’s world is a must.!

[gotbushels]

I had a couple of dates with a non, a wonderful man, and that made a difference in my growth.  To know i can be normal and attractive to a great guy.  He has helped me.

Fantastic. Of course we learn not to become dependent on outside recognition, but it's always pleasant to get that 'you're alright' when dating. Feels good. 

Am going very slow, he is more ready than i am to get into a r/s.  And then, something from his past came up, he said he is unavailable for a while.  And i am not freaking out... .
... .
I trust my Higher Power.  

Even better. Way to go juju2   

[Insom]

I had a couple of dates with a non, a wonderful man, and that made a difference in my growth.  To know i can be normal and attractive to a great guy.

I'm with gotbushels. This is great, juju2!  I know the idealization/devaluation cycle typical in BPD relationships can take a toll on your self esteem.  It must feel great to spend time with someone you feel attracted to who returns those feelings. 

One thing i've done that i will stop, is i help my ex w financial difficulties.  Thats an old pattern, we had income inequality, and its not appreciated.  Its just putting my resources into a black hole. After all these years, everything i gave and did, its exhausting to me.  I no longer am interested in a one sided r/s.

I support this.  Do you have a plan for the next time he reaches out for financial support?  What do you imagine that conversation looking like?

[juju2]

the conversation just would be, i spent 800
on X, that i dont have. 

And then i help him out.  He is intuitive, he may not ask me, since my energy has shifted... .

I just cannot believe he walked away from our ten yr r/s.  We had been thru so much, kids on drugs, living w us, getting one of them off meth, i could write a book.  Actually, i am going to start a new thread, what were the top 3 most distressing behaviours you endured on a regular basis... .

[Insom]

the conversation just would be, i spent 800
on X, that i dont have. 

And then i help him out.  He is intuitive, he may not ask me, since my energy has shifted... .

What do you imagine happening between saying no . . . and then helping him out?  Can you imagine saying no and letting it stand?