2 her fault car accidents in 4 days

[DoneMom]

My 23 year old daughter first crashed her own car, then borrowed her grandmother’s car while hers was in the shop being fixed - and totaled it.  In this mix were trips to the ER where she fought with the doctor & nurses, police, etc.

She was diagnosed with BPD a couple of years back... .although she refuses to believe she has it. She fired the therapist that diagnosed her.  There have been suicide attempts, self harm, one mental facility stay and lots of other damage and hurt.

She is currently seeing a psychiatrist but it’s slow going with him and she skipped the last appointment.

I’m here to learn and probably commiserate a little too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi DoneMom and welcome to bpdfamily

Woah, two cars in four days and trips to ER you must be beside yourself, your daughter is dysregulating, yes?  I'm sorry that these issues have led you here, you are in the right place for support and learning and yes buckets full of commiseration too, you are not alone.   So much of what you describe is so very familiar to parents here who 'get it', and we often arrive here at a point of crisis or needing validation, to find our direction, change our approach.

So after all the behaviours and events you describe your daughter refuses to believe she is suffering from BPD, many heads will be nodding with you here. Given these choices are hers and ones that ultimately she will need to take responsibility for. My daughter took responsibility at 26, she said she always knew something was wrong.

How are you coping, how's your relationship with your daughter after all this, as you say your DoneMom  

WDx

[DoneMom]

Thank you wendydarling for your kind words and response to my post.

Yes it has been extremely tough, exhausting and it has hurt my 80 year old mother, which makes me furious with my daughter.  DD lives with my mother and helps take care of her - she has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7.

The police called yesterday to let DD know that additional charges may be filed against her because at the scene of wreck #1, they found a bottle of pills which contained some illegal substances. 

So, on it goes... .I am trying my best to help her get through this without her facing jail time.  Even though she has gotten into some trouble in the past with drugs (including stealing my prescription medication) the police have never been involved and she has a clean record.  She says the drugs are not hers, they were left in her car by a friend she saw a couple of nights prior to the accident.  I don’t know if she is lying about this.  She lies often.

I feel done but don’t want to see her future destroyed over this.  I love my girl but she has put me through so much.  Maybe this is the time for her to turn it all around. I have a small amount of hope.

Anyhow, so happy to have found this place,

DoneMom

[wendydarling]

Hi DoneMom  

You are most welcome, I'm happy you have found us, my sanctuary with the wonderful parents, friends here these last years has done me far beyond well, more than I ever hoped for and I wish that for you, I'm forever grateful  

I hope your Mum is ok, I'd be furious too   it's a hard divide you have can your daughter care for your Mum?

At times like you describe what helped me is to keep my centre, that way my daughter found her way back to safe haven, baseline. As you'll read we support each other, while our situations are unique we understand and care for each other and that is truly priceless.  

WDx

[Merlot]

Hi Donemom

Thanks for coming and sharing. What I can hear from you post is how fed up you are indealing with the litany of destructive behaviour.

Its all too familiar for all of us, sadly and we all seem to wind up here in the midst of crisis.

I was sad to hear she fired her therapist. I wish my daughter could even get there. Even after a diagnosis she refuses to acknowledgw she has a disorder. In fact she is busy suggesting most other people have one, including suggesting to my own mother that I am narcissistic.

I have been reading a book by Rachel Reiland called Get me out of Here. A jouney of her recovery from BPD. She had a love/hate relationship with her therapist and abused him countless times.

A very good read and wonderful insights but quite confronting too.

Wendydarling gave me very soind advice when I first came here about stepping back from the drama, looking after myself and learning.

It sounds like your poor mum needs some space too. Go gently... .its a journey

Keep coming and sharing. We have lots to talk about with each other and other members.

Merlot

[DoneMom]

Yes, my poor sweet mother who took her in when she had no other place to go!  She has been living with her for about 2 months now.  DD and her boyfriend had been living together prior to that and had a violent fight that necessitated her leaving.  I let her come here for a few nights & then we decided together that she should stay at my mother’s home since mom needs someone there to help with every day chores.

It has been a proven disaster for her to live with me and my husband (her step father).  We did that for almost a year in 2016 and it resulted in my husband moving out for 6 months while I “sorted her out”.  That living arrangement ended with her first serious suicide attempt and an involuntary commitment to a mental hospital that was a 6 hour drive away from our home (one way) in another state.  She had gone to a concert with her boyfriend and another couple & she chose that time to try and kill herself.  She was oblivious to the fact that visiting her there meant 12 full hours of driving and expected that her father, her boyfriend and I come for every single visiting hour.

Ugh, it’s like pouring it out here is safe where I wouldn’t even tell my close friends the details of this awful story.

Thanks Merlot and Wendy for your calm, helpful words... .

DoneMom

[DoneMom]

And so on the story goes... .I contacted a lawyer/old friend to advise her (she’s actually paying) and we met with him to talk about every possible scenario involved in her speaking to the police. The local police hold her fate in their hands basically and were desperate to meet with her and talk.

Today, she had the talk and they told her that she is facing “5, no 6 felonies” because she had a pharmacy full of pills in a bottle with the label ripped off in her car after accident #1... .apparently enough of one kind to warrant trafficking charges. We were prepared for this as a “worst case” scenario but the police spent an hour and a half with her trying to recruit her to work with them as bait to bust frat boys in the college town near us. 

Our lawyer thought that since she has no record previously, she would likely be offered a “First Offence” deal which entails a drug education class, some community service hours and check in’s that are like parole for a year.  IF she completes these things, she would then have a clean record (that was our “best case scenario”)

She’s a truly beautiful young woman and they told her it would be “easier than you think”.  I told her to do NOTHING until she talks to the lawyer.  He never suggested to us when he met with us that the police might approach her to do this kind of undercover thing so I am anxious to see what he says. Of course the drama of being an informant may appeal to her, who knows?

I read and re read the section here about when your (adult) child is arrested and I know we have a good competent local attorney so I feel well advised with regard to the legal aspects of this but I was not expecting this crazy dramatic thing where the police would ask her to do something so morally and karmically complicated.

I also know from reading this site and my own meditation practice that this will pass, I can’t control the outcome & that I am only responsible for my own actions, not hers.  She will have to deal with the very large consequences of her actions herself... .she is an adult.  I am just watching it allllll passss on by... .

[Merlot]

hi Donemom

It has been a proven disaster for her to live with me and my husband (her step father).  We did that for almost a year in 2016 and it resulted in my husband moving out for 6 months while I “sorted her out”. 

I can so relate to this, my DD27, during her teenage years ran between me my ex-husband.  If she didn't get what she wanted with us, she would run to him. When they fought, he would abuse her and she would run back to us.  She turned our lives upside down with sneaking out, self harming, stealing, being expelled, binge drinking.  It was relentless.  In the end I told her she couldn't come home until she could live by our rules.  My mother took her in for about 2 years.  !0 years later, here we are cut off from her and my baby granddaughter... .and yes I can relate, we were sucked dry emotionally, physically and financially from her and she can't remember any of what we did for her.  She even called the police on us. 

I also know from reading this site and my own meditation practice that this will pass, I can’t control the outcome & that I am only responsible for my own actions, not hers.  She will have to deal with the very large consequences of her actions herself... .she is an adult.  I am just watching it allllll passss on by... .

It sounds like you have some good strategies in place already Donemom.  Good for you, it's really important and it's great that you can sit alongside and be ok that she will learn those consequences... .not easy I know.

I'm glad you shared this last post, as it will give others insight into the law enforcement side of things, as many members here will be in similar circumstances.

Good to hear from you and glad you are ok.

Merlot

[DoneMom]

Merlot - thank you... .it’s sounds like we have so very much in common with our daughters.  It breaks my heart to know someone else out there is going through such painful experiences but it really helps to share here and just know I am not alone... .you and so many others are dealing with the same challenges

My daughter is - as I feared - attracted to the drama of being a confidential informant.  She told me this afternoon that she is going out to the bars with a female friend this evening and is going to try to find people who will “sell her drugs”.  She is fully convinced that she must do this crazy undercover narking thing to avoid going to prison.  The black and white, all or nothing thinking/attitude is a feature I feel sure many of you have seen in your own BPD children... .Mine is especially prone to it and she also has a stubborn attitude along with a large impulsive streak, it all makes for drama I just cannot deal with right now!

I have a meeting set with our lawyer for 1st thing Monday morning.  I told her not to do this but of course, she ignores my reasonable advice yet again and I am a little bit fearful for her safety. 

Keeping my fingers crossed that I do not get a 2am phone call from her,

DMom

[Good2behere]

Sorry, I hit quote instead of reply. I'm not sure how to do both yet. :/

Done Mom:
My daughter is - as I feared - attracted to the drama of being a confidential informant.  She told me this afternoon that she is going out to the bars with a female friend this evening and is going to try to find people who will “sell her drugs”.  She is fully convinced that she must do this crazy undercover narking thing to avoid going to prison.

Me:
I just can't even believe this has happened. If the police had arrested my uBPDd for a first offense, and then asked her to be part of a "sting" because of her looks (my dd has her father's Swedish roots and looks like a Malibu Barbie who turned to the Dark Side, so I understand the vulnerability for exploitation that can come along with that), I don't even know how I'd feel. Like the world had tilted sideways?

We'll always be their moms, and can support them with their attempts toward wellness, but yes, we are so done with the drama.

[DoneMom]

Goodtobehere - I couldn’t believe it either.  I couldn’t go back to the interview room with her when she met the 2 detectives who pitched this idea to her. I am relying on her to be truthful (always met with doubt on my part). She is a very good manipulative reader of people and went in trying to project wholesome goodness, yet vulnerable and scared.  she did not tell them that we have retained a lawyer so perhaps that explains why they did this - busts for them with her doing all the work/risk? I don’t know that it’s fair but her acceptance of it is worrying me.

I think she could get off with a First Offenders deal, so does her lawyer- she’s just making bad, impulsive deciosns right now. 

Tilted world seems about right.

Take care,

DMom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DoneMom]

So, this morning she comes home and tells me she did this thing last night in a bar where she bought cocaine from an a person she does not know well.  She showed me the little baggie of white powder and thinks this will be her savIng grace.

She is working today so at least she will be busy and unable to get into any more trouble! I can’t wait until Monday morning comes around and we can get some real legal advice.

DMom

[Merlot]

Hi Donemom

Wow this must be incredibly disturbing for you on many fronts.

Mine is especially prone to it and she also has a stubborn attitude along with a large impulsive streak, it all makes for drama I just cannot deal with right now!

I remember my daughter telling me that she hated drama.  The irony was not lost on me as it seemed that all she did was create drama, but she was convinced that it was always someone else's fault.  Yes, that impulsive streak... .the very one that seems to create the drama, we know it all too well and it is soo exhausting.

I will be interested to hear what the lawyer has to say about these events with your daughter and the police, and that you get a good outcome here

Take care
Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hi DoneMom

How are you coping, any news on your daughter straitening this all out?

WDx

[DoneMom]

Hi wendydarling,

Thanks for asking about our situation.

We met with her lawyer this morning. He thinks it’s “sexist” and “inappropriate” for the police to have asked her to go undercover and put herself at risk... .I agree but I also know that the local police detectives don’t know the impulsive BPD person they are dealing with! While he would have advised against doing what she did (again I agree!) he thinks that now that she has actually done the work and made a drug buy, he can use that information to bargain for dismissal of all possible charges or a first offender deal where her record would remain clean.  They still have not charged her with anything & the lawyer will attend the next meeting with the police alongside my daughter.

Since I started this thread I have told her that she must do the following things to continue our current living arrangement (rent/bill free with my elderly mother, right down the road from me and my husband):

1.  DBT therapy plus group at least weekly after assessment at local mental health outpatient facility. (She has already scheduled the assessment for next week!).

2.  Local driving school course to gain confidence driving (She agreed and has also scheduled this for next week - this will be at her own expense of $150)

3.  She agrees to sleep at my mother’s house 5 out of 7 nights.  What can I say - her social life is happening and I cannot stop it but limiting it seems fair.

4.  An agreement that she is fined for bad behavior (such as $10 if she stays out overnight and we have to walk her dog in the morning).  The whole list is not too long but it’s pretty comprehensive.

Her abuse and neglect of her dog is causing some major conflict right now.  My mom has her own elderly dog who has seizures/health problems and she is a major dog lover.  My daughters dog is a young pit bull & a true sweetheart but she is crated in her room most of the time.  She is not taking proper care of this animal and it makes my mother (+ me + my husband) really sad.  My 80 year old mom cannot walk this feisty dog so my husband and I end up doing it a lot. 

Anyhow, she called earlier and asked if she could have her new boyfriend pick her up here tonight for a date and could she come by to pick up some things she left here... .I said I would leave the things she wants outside for her to pick up but that she should not use my house as a place to meet her boyfriend.  At least not today on not on short notice... .

She dropped in yesterday and truly sunk my whole day because she didn’t want to see family members who were visiting my mother so she used my house as a place to hang out till they left.  I can’t lie down and rest and leave her to wander on her own in my home because I don’t trust her.  I have a combination lock on my bedroom door that’s been there for years now.

I should explain that I am chronically ill with a painful but non life threatening disease.  It has pain peaks and valleys but right now I am in peak pain and need to rest... .stress aggravates the pain and the pain aggravates the stress and she causes me so much stress.  The visit to the lawyer this morning was enough for me to deal with today.  Sometimes I have to close the door literally and figuratively for my own well-being and today is one of those days.  She sees it as abandoning but it’s just self preservation at some point.

I’m not coping well... .I picked up smoking cigarettes again after 6 years off and I am drinking a little too much wine in the evenings but it’s under control.  I’ve lost about 20 pounds in the last month and although I needed to lose some weight, this feels sort of drastic (my clothes are too big and family members who haven’t seen me in a couple of weeks notice the change) but I am doing whatever I can to help her and preserve my own sanity.

Thanks for your post and interest,

DMom

[Merlot]

Hi Donemom

Im really sorry to hear about your illness. Being in pain has to be one of life's terrible afflictions. But again Im so impressed  with your ability to recognize your limits and put boundaries in place.  You clearly come from a place of strength and love as you have not faltered on yourself, your daughter, your mother, husband or animals in the process.

You offer valuable support to parents here to both through sharing your journey and caring about others... .very inspiring Donemom.

I was really pleased to hear there was a positive outcome with the lawyer.

Look forward to hearing from you again. Take good care of yourself

Merlot

[DoneMom]

Merlot,

Thanks so much for the positive affirmation - it means a lot to me right now. Most people who know me well see me as a “strong” person because of the adversity in my life. 

I see myself as lucky for the good things in my life:  my love of my life husband, my wise and wonderful mother, the good working years I had being the breadwinner for my young family, the positive contributions I have made to the lives of those I love, etc. 

I see heroes and saints here every single day, people trying to do the right thing by their beloved children in spite of the pain they have caused them.  It’s got to be the hardest thing on earth to let your adult child go once you realize you cannot change them, guide them or live their life for them.  In some ways I am “done”  and letting my daughter go - but emotionally it is a challenge. 

It’s always good to know you are not alone.

Hope you are well Merlot,

DMom

[Huat]

Hi there, DoneMom!

Sure hope you stay on as one of the "regulars" on this forum!  In one of your first posts you wrote:

"I also know from reading this site and my own meditation practice that this will pass, I can’t control the outcome & that I am only responsible for my own actions, not hers.  She will have to deal with the very large consequences of her actions herself... .she is an adult.  I am just watching it allllll passss on by... ."

Those struck me as words-of-wisdom... .from a Newbie, yet!  That is part of the message that so many of the rest of us try to delicately pass on to Newbies.

What is the saying... ."What doesn't destroy us makes us strong."... .?  Boy, are we strong!

Huat   ; )

[wendydarling]

Hi DoneMom

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering with your health and in pain and can well understand the impact of stress, it just all adds up doesn't it.  You’re doing the right thing setting conditions based on your values for staying rent free with your Mother, and it’s encouraging your daughter is signing up and you gain the opportunity to  validate her efforts, positive reinforcement.  

What helped me is to not sweat the small stuff, just let it pass as you say. I focused on that my DD was engaging in DBT and also her getting the non-BPD medication right for depression, anxiety, psychosis… I learnt DBT skills through the resources here for families. DoneMom family occasions were difficult for my DD, I’d let her know it was ok not to join us if that’s how she felt, and everyone understood she was taking care of her. There is something for everyone right here, as Huat says when we stay life gets better over time.

It’s hard to read the police have taken advantage of your daughter   it’s no wonder the already vulnerable struggle. I hope your daughter is able to come to terms, learn from it and move on in time.

DoneMom thanks for welcoming newbies and joining other parents threads means a lot.

How’s your day going?  

WDx

[JMM13]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience here. I have had similar problems with my daughter. She has been diagnosed with BPD but up until now I have to be honest I have been in denial . Like your own daughter she is so clever and 23. However her behaviour is so reckless and I am at the end of my tether .

Thank you for sharing your experience . I am in a dark place with her at the moment . Adore the bones of her though. You have helped me feel not “so alone”.

[Merlot]

Hi Donemom

Just wanted to pop by and see how you are going?  Is your pain under control?

Most people who know me well see me as a “strong” person because of the adversity in my life. 

I see myself as lucky for the good things in my life:  my love of my life husband, my wise and wonderful mother, the good working years I had being the breadwinner for my young family, the positive contributions I have made to the lives of those I love, etc. 

Emotional strength is a strange thing.  I feel the same as you, so incredibly lucky for all the good things in my life, but I too have also had some incredible adversity both personally and professionally.  At times, I felt so tired of trying to be resilient... .sometimes, I just wanted someone to make it all better and make it all go away. There are times when "the wind just gets taken our of your sails".

I think it's important to recognise when you're flat and what it is about each of us that picks up and keeps moving forward despite the adversity.  There's a lot of learning to be had in this regard, and so much of it on this board.  I think for me it's about not being defined by the events but by the achievements in life, even if with our BPD children it is the small things, the recognition of what they/we are going through and the little things we can do to effect more positive change.

i'm not sure I could have got through this without parents here either, and I'm by no means through anything, just on the journey one day at a time with a stronger outlook than I had six months ago.

Let us know how you are going.  Hugs

Merlot

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DoneMom]

Thank you all so much for hearing my story and taking the time to give me such supportive, thoughtful responses.  It truly means the world to me right now.

This morning at 7am I was awakened to a phone call from my daughter telling me to come to the ER in the next County over from us & that she had been raped.

She was out last night in the college town close to us with a friend now (her ex boyfriend of many years) and she got a text from the guy who sold her drugs recently.  He said he had more and she could come over to his house to get it.  Her poor BPD black and white, impulsive brain saw this as a great opportunity to get out of trouble for the pills they found in her car.  The local police TOLD her that if she could just do two buys with the same person, it would likely result in no charges ever being pressed.  She was drinking and not thinking straight for sure. Her lawyer an I had both warned her against taking any further action until we met with the local police again.

So she agreed to meet this guy & had her friend/ex drive her to his house... .He told her to come alone.  He caught her trying to record him with her phone during the deal.  He took her phone away, questioned her, threatened her (“I know people who can hurt or kill you”), showed her his gun and then choked her and raped her.  She had to wait until he fell asleep to retrieve her phone and escape. Her petrified friend/ex was nearby, picked her up and took her straight to the ER, where she called me from.

I drove there as fast as I could and found her absolutely defeated and devastated.  Her friend was so upset they made him sit down with a therapist on the spot.  He was apparently livid that she had done this against his urgent pleas not to.  I sent him home once I got there... .

Then it’s a just a day long blur of rape kit, police, statements, etc.  She was so like a little child through all of it.  I only cried once (and not in front of her).  She has 72 hours to press charges and I am urgently encouraging her to do so... .she is desperately afraid right now that he will find her (unlikely at best) and kill her.   I took her back to my moms (where she lives currently) and she fell promptly asleep.  I just got home an hour ago and am bewildered trying to process it all.

The horror of this night will stay with her forever. She asked me if she is “cursed” and I told her no, not cursed but that she does have a serious mental issue that needs to be dealt with.  Her assessment to do DBT is tomorrow morning.

Thanks for reading all of this.  JMM13, keep your chin up.  This is a good place to learn and pour it all out (as I have just done).

Bless all of us BPD parents - there are some challenging, horrible days that are just built into the mix and for me, this is certainly one of the worst.

[Feeling Better]

Hi DoneMom

I just want to say how sorry I am to hear of what you have just been through, what a dreadful experience for all of you. I am so glad that your daughter managed to escape after her awful and traumatic ordeal, I can only imagine what thoughts were going through your head as you were driving to ER to see her.

I hope that by pouring it out here, you have managed to be able to process what happened, it does help to “talk” about these things x 

[DoneMom]

Thanks so much Feeling Better - I really think I am still in shock actually but it does help to talk here and know I am not alone.

These past few weeks have been so hard and exhausting... .I feel like I could sleep for a year and still feel tired. I can feel myself aging from the stress.  I just want a few days of no drama and some peace to recharge - but I cannot seem to get it. 

DMom

[DoneMom]

I see so much crisis ams suffering here,  I really wish there was a fail-safe solution to this pain we are all feeling here.  She had her assessment and starts weekly DBT next wwwk.

Last night my daughter was raped. And tomorrow we meet with the police.  She is terrified and I am just preparing to be my most, rational strong self, advising her to do what is right for her.  It’s not going to be easy.

She was raped and threatened and & she is a mess.  She feels ashamed and I just feel overwhelmed & powerless —- and just so so tired and angry too.

Ugh, just having a really bad bad night,

DMom

[wendydarling]

Hi DoneMom

I'm so very sorry. This is devastating, traumatic experience for you both, truly terrifying for your daughter. Do you have access to ongoing rape counselling support. I'll hold my tongue about your local police  

I hope your daughter arrives at the place of understanding she is not cursed, she is vulnerable and she can learn how to keep herself safe by engaging and working hard in treatment overtime, she can turn this round, she really can. My daughter has, it took a lot of determination, she is out of crisis and she has learnt how to keep herself safe. It's a different way of life, she lives and breathes DBT. There is hope. I'm rooting for your girl.

I want to give you a big hug  

Breathe DoneMom

WDx

[DoneMom]

Thanks so much wendydarling, I could use a hug!

She will have access to rape counseling via the new mental health facility where she will do her DBT.  We did the assessment yesterday and she starts next Tuesday.  I so hope she will take this seriously as your daughter has done. 

Next up - press charges against the rapist?  Sue the crazy local police who put her in such danger? 

My husband is so fed up and I don’t blame him... .my daughter takes all of my time and energy.  I need to find some balance so we can have a life together... .but this crisis is too overwhelming and important to just drop or let her handle alone. 

Ugh,

DMom

[Good2behere]

DoneMom

I also have had a longstanding chronic pain/immune system issue. I can understand what the baseline of your physical abilities is, without the stress and emotional upheaval caused by your dd's illness and choices. And just the general negativity that gets stirred up seems to make the physical symptoms even harder to manage. Everything feels so heavy.

I have to say, I am shocked that the police allowed her to buy drugs and then keep them in her possession. And then suggested that she do this again? I don't understand why they weren't on the scene that they sent her into both times? I'm just ... .flabbergasted. This seems like some sort of endangerment to put her in a situation that is unsupervised. How would they be able to make an arrest if they're not there? Something doesn't add up? I'm glad you already have a lawyer.

I wish the "livid" friend had not driven her there, and that he would have called for help when she wasn't coming back quickly. But also, how confusing for him, if he has been led to believe that "help" -- the police--  want her to be doing this?  And because I also have a diagnosed BPD daughter, I also have seen how reality can get so mixed up to the point where I wouldn't even know what the police actually said to her, versus what she imagines they said. It gets so bewildering and perplexing.

I am so sorry for what she and you have endured as a result of all of this chaos. My own dd has been raped or hit because of getting alone with terrible people. For a while, she didn't even seem to learn from it. She has gone to the homes of strangers, even while dating a nice boy who managed to find her during the night when she disappeared on him. Nice boy eventually broke it off with her, after trying his best to be supportive.

Since the time she was a teenager and getting involved with lowlifes, I have repeated the question "Where did you ever get the idea that it is acceptable for anyone to hurt you?" It's not a rhetorical question. I'm really trying to find out what feels like a core issue with her. She has never answered me and just gets a blank look on her face. I don't think she knows, herself, because so much of her behavior was based on impulse and then later, substance abuse as well.

Every single event, including suicide attempts, going missing, getting assaulted, or later entangled with the police, would exacerbate my condition to the point that I could barely function. Then I would worry that my frantic care taking reaction followed by a necessary withdrawal to my room would feed into her attention/abandonment issues. And then I reminded myself that this was all way beyond my ability to solve, and that it was time for our higher powers to take over.

I can understand why you would not want to let something this big get dropped, but also wonder how to sustain your own needs when you're already exhausted with so many recent crises.

I wish I could offer you a guarantee that things will get better, but I do want to offer some encouragement that things are much MUCH better with our dd. She is stable and working, and even though she hasn't undergone DBT yet, I can see some strides in maturity. She is nearly at the magical age of 25 when the brain finishes developing, and that is a hope that our family doctor often holds out to me (and maybe herself? She treats a lot of families in crisis).

The conditions that you have set for her living arrangements sound very reasonable and helpful for everyone involved. What a wonderful model of wisdom.

G2B

[DoneMom]

Hi G2B,

Yeah, you really nailed when you said “Everything feels so heavy”!
It’s very difficult when your body is suffering and the mental angst will not let up, which means more pain and more anguish... .on and on.  I also care-took frantically and then faced “abandonment” accusations when I absolutely could do no more and desperately needed to retreat for my own well-being.  I can see that you get it and I am so sorry that you suffer from chronic pain plus you have the challenge of having a daughter with BPD. We have so much in common and yes - so good to not feel alone!

One thing I haven’t had to contend with myself too much is my dd choosing bad influence or druggie friends (I am so grateful for that).  Her “livid” friend is actually a long term recent ex boyfriend - they dated since high school and he actually lived here with me for a short time. He is a nice young man who owns a thriving business but the crazy drama with my dd has driven him mad.  He truly may have ptsd... .he called me after he left the hospital & told me he has recently started therapy and I was glad to hear it.  The new guy my daughter has been dating for a couple of months now is a very straight laced, career focused kind of slightly older guy.  He seems very nice but I keep warning her that she is lying to him by omission about recent events... .he knows nothing of the pills, the 2nd wreck or the rape... .not sustainable.

I couldn’t believe the police convinced her to go out alone either! I couldn’t be present for the intial interview but I sat outside the office for an hour and a half waiting and got the whole story from her immediately after it happened.  She may have misunderstood but she felt certain they wanted her to go out and contact “druggies” right away.
Like with your own daughter, it’s sometimes hard to trust.  She was definitely warned by me and her lawyer about going out the second time but she is so impulsive and thought it would free her from the threat of prison.

To me the worst was that the local police asked her to contact her rapist a 3 rd time - and they knew she’d been raped at that point?

We saw our lawyer today and he is very hopeful that he can get all of the drug charges dropped in light of what happened to her while trying to do exactly what they asked.  She wants to pursue the rape prosecution, which I encouraged. 

I am so happy to hear that your daughter is stable and doing well after so much turmoil and heartbreak. It’s makes me feel encouraged and more hopeful.

Thanks so very much for the very kind response G2B and for your continued support.  I have really needed support lately and besides my hubby, this is where I find solace and inspiration.

Going to have a bedtime glass of wine right about now,

DMom

[Good2behere]

I hope you were able to get some relaxation.

I wonder if anyone else can relate to the caretaking of our daughters' nicer boyfriends, trying to protect them from her. It is a highly weird dynamic, and one that I won't repeat. It's just one of my co-dependent impulses, trying to contain the chaos and pain. I have often thought that our small town would eventually require a "Former Boyfriends of 'daughter's name' Support Group".

I posted a couple of stickies on my computer with reminders of ":)isengage" ":)o Not Embroil" "That's enough for one day" and a few others.

I hope all of this turmoil ends soon for you. I hope your husband and mom are doing okay as well.

G2B