Strangely not bad weekend

[isilme]

So, I've mentioned H and I are geeks.  Into geeky stuff, like Ren Faires and Comic Cons, all things Sci Fi, some fantasy, so on.  We had a Con in our area this weekend.  One of the celebrity guests is one of my childhood heroes (Helen Slater - Supergirl), and one of H's earliest crushes, so we were both excited to go meet her.  I got the celeb pic last time (Michael Biehn!  I had a small Kyle Reese crush :P) so I had no problem letting H get the pic this time.  He was so excited about her coming, it spurred him to paint.  And finish the painting.  That was kinda amazing.  He did not fall into the super moodiness normal to finishing a painting on time for something.  He stayed up till 5 am getting it finished and sealed, and was okay with getting up by 10 to get there on time to meet her and our friends.  She was super nice and gracious and seemed to like the painting and even though we'd been warned the celebs often can't take gifts with them, she accepted it and seemed sincere about liking it.  H claimed that he now feels he has an accomplishment in life.  And she told me she liked my dress :D so that made me happy.  Billie Jean/Supergirl liked my dress!  I managed to keep migraines at bay most of the day, and finally resorted to using one dose of the meds the MD put me on.  It did not go 100% away, but I was able to make it several more hours in sunlight, and alter, driving against oncoming headlights (that has been torture int eh past, but it's often easier for me to just drive than to be the navigating passenger who can't close my eyes anyway as I guide him back home).   

We made it through a whole day of travel to the next town over, walking, talking to people, and even stayed for later dinner and meeting another group of friends and so got home about 13 hours after we'd left.  And then he was still motivated to work on a few things the next day, taking photos of stuff for our portfolio website, and while he got a little snappish at times, he was ok.

I went to get ready for bed at a kinda decent time, and came out fo the shower to find he was agitated - he'd gotten upset at someone on an online game, but was trying to self-soothe, he went back to working on a costume piece he'd been working on earlier in the day.  Usually, he will send endless messages to the person who angered him, just keeping himself agitated.  So, this was BIG thing.

I was tired but could tell he was not quite ready to go to bed, so I sat in there with him until he went to get ready, just watching a longish survival video on youtube.  He admitted he was feeling anxious, and he fears that he has some chemical imbalances that contribute to his lack of feeling accomplished and his disproportionate feelings of embarrassment.  He doesn't want to go back to St. John's Wort, which sued to carry him through times like this, so I am not sure what OTC to try next.  He is adamant about no Rx drugs - he hates being on them for diabetes or kidney issues as it is. 

Anyway, had to report a GOOD weekend, and we will see if the stress and anxiety were just saved up to spew out later. 

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[pearlsw]

Hi isilme,

Nice to hear you had such a fun, long day together! I wonder if more situations which could give him a feeling of success or personal meaning could make a difference? Poor guy, he does seem to recognize something is "off", huh? Glad to hear the migraines were a little less awful than usual!

wishing you both the best, pearl.

[eggshellfiancee]

We have plenty of those weekends too. I cherish them. Just a couple of weeks ago we had a wonderful weekend where we got along just fine. He was still distant as he is currently in a distant state, but there were no fights and we had fun together. I'm hoping to step toward having more of those in the near future.

[Radcliff]

That's great to hear!  For certain there were some exciting times to keep the weekend fun for both of you, but that's also a very long day, and on not too much sleep, which makes it impressive that things went so well.  Congratulations!

WW

[isilme]

He's coming back down I think, admitting he is feeling still chemically off, teetering between depression, anxiety and being okay for short periods.  Trying to listen and not JADE or invalidate.  I think he is getting worried about my MRI this weekend. 

Our friends-couple wants to drive us, knowing H does not drive out of town, barely in town, and thinking it would take a load off me driving myself to an exam which is, to be honest, scaring me a little bit.  They know I am scared about what may be found inside my head.  Daily pain, migraines, cognitive issues are not normal things.  Even if it's "just" inflamed sinuses, I don't know what will be the plan to address it. 

Please, please, please, no tumor or other oddities in there.  I don't have a lot about me I feel any pride in.  My brain working somewhat quickly, my eyes and hands working with it to make things, I am scared to lose any of those things.  I don't want someone having to open things up and poke around and risk an "oops".  I know this is irrational.  Likely, nothing at all with show up, and it will be determined I have crazy migraines and then will need to see how to make them more manageable.  The pain these days is secondary as an issue, compared to the cognitive slowdown, the loss of words.  I feel like I have a mild version of aphasia at times, like a stroke victim, and "lose" words as I am speaking and writing.  It's no biggie at home... .  but at work, it is driving me nuts.  I can't even type much here because of it lately.  Reading comprehension even, is a bit of a struggle at times.  My brain feels like it wants to check out.  Right now, the tingling, ants inside my scalp feeling that turns to burning, then pain if I don't watch it is there. 

I think H is embarrassed by the offer of our friends to drive, knowing it's because they know he is not "the driver" or one to fill a caretaker role as much as the "caretakee".    We will have to wing it, see if its even worth it to ask if he's willing/able to drive me (not that it would take away any of my stress - I will need to watch and navigate.  I can't tell him, "turn north at the highway".  In 20+ years living here, he doesn't know which way north is, and shows a terrible sense of direction anywhere outside of town/his hometown.)  I am hoping they don't decide to sedate me for claustrophobia - I don't know if I will have trouble inside the machine or not. At least I am not scheduled for having dye injected into me. 

Ugh.  And this is a big part of what I don't go get myself checked out, ever.  I can't take it for granted my H will be able to be there for me as transport, as support, if I am out of commission for a while, have no family of my own to help, and H's siblings aren't really people I can call on.  The brother and his wife work shift work, crazy hours, the sister is always "too too busy" with her kids, her life, and her own BPD-esque problems to even see us, let alone be asked for help.  Everything is about 45 minutes to an hour away, minimum, no public transport worth a damn between towns. 

I need to stop stressing over worrying about him stressing.  I can't go off at home like this.  I broke down in the shower crying two nights back, and at work yesterday, scared.  I know it's dumb.  This is a common thing for people to get done.  It's not the MRI that scares me, I am just scared about what it may show, and I don't feel I can seek out comfort from H because evidence is showing that his stress levels are not in a good place already. 

[Radcliff]

isilme, being scared before a big medical test is totally normal!  Especially one like this where you have images of dire discoveries.  Was the test today?  Or is it tomorrow?  Just get through it as best you can.  It's a step on the way to making things better, whatever the situation is.  You're brave to be pushing forward and finding out what the problem is so you can address it.  Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi isilme,

Just wanted to check in and send you best wishes this weekend!

Try to just breath and be in the moment... .and accept and love your body whatever may be going on. Send positive healing thoughts to yourself if you can - let those be the soothing messages you hear if possible.

How soon until the MRI results?

wishing you peace and calm, pearl.

[Radcliff]

isilme, how did the MRI go?  I know you were stressed about it.  I'm hoping it went smoothly.  Let us know when you have a moment.

WW

[isilme]

Thanks everyone for asking.  Overall it was okay, just waiting now.  

Got him to see why it would be good to go with our friends, partly since they wanted to go to town anyway and meet up - one car made a lot more sense than two.  They insisted on dinner Friday night and we talked it all over.  

He was irked I dd not think he could drive, but I pointed out if I am in a bad way and can't drive, I might not be able to navigate.  He stopped at that point - I think because he knows he's never gone anywhere I've not either been awake and able to tell him where to go, or have programmed the GPS for him.  He gets stressed and anxious when driving, especially longer distances than a few minutes.  I did not need to deal with that, plus my own fears - it'd be better for me to drive, to go alone, than try to validate and keep him calm from the passenger seat.    

He has his license, and can operate a car, and does to get to work when I am out sick.  But outside of our small town, or his smaller hometown, he has no sense of direction, and I will just say, has never felt a need to pay attention what is where in the larger town we have to go to for things.  We live in a mostly rural area along a highway, and tiny and medium towns and cities are daisy-chained along it.  So my exam was in town 1, but then for errands, we'd need to head into bigger town 2, and then head home to town 3.  

Anyway.  I did not know if I'd be tranquilized for claustrophobia, or if the sounds, confinement, vibration, and stress from the MRI would trigger a worse migraine and make me unable to keep my eyes open.  Had that happened, I would not be able help him find his way home in that state.  

I know this is an issue making him feel less capable, but honestly, he is.  For whatever reason, he has chosen to not learn his way around or paid attention to landmarks.  I do not mind driving most days, even if it's tiring.  I know that for me control of the car is second nature.  For him, it is very mechanical - he does not mesh with the machine.  

It was ok.  I do not want to repeat it - the faceplate was a little panic-inducing, and I did not want my arms to touch the sides to make it feel even tighter.  I do not like my nose and mouth covered at all.  It's all clicks and beeps and whirs, and one stage had a huge vibration under me, but the technician was nice, told me how long each burst would last, and I was able to count them out to keep from breathing too fast.  I know it sounds dumb, but I was shakey afterward. Give me some x-ray radiation any day.  

Got home after the rest of the day spent running errands with friends in town - we collaborate on some creative projects and needed supplies.  It was best to go together to be able to look at materials in-store.  I was exposed to a lot fo the African dust Saturday so was laid up with cold-like allergies and a killer headache most of Sunday.  H was kind, insisted I not try to run errands, allowed me to sleep.  

Monday was surprisingly good, but I may have overdone it - had a mini-headache triggered getting groceries after work when I smelled someone's super strong perfume.  Made it home.

His mood is more on the depressed side.  He says he can feel his chemical make up is wrong somehow.  Cant get him to test his sugar but read up on B-vitamins and he should be able to get those into his system and not produce new kidney stones.  Some vitamins contribute so he'd stopped taking all of them.  As a diabetic, he kinda needs then as his body doesn't retain them quite right.  We are still waiting for the feedback about the stone composition before making big chnages to diet or supplemennts, a few more weeks.  Hoping we aer both up to swimming tonight.  Exercise makes us both feel better and sleep better.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update!  That's excellent to hear that you were able to work with H to get the support of your friends.  It sounds like the MRI was not fun, but was tolerable, which is good.  So nice that it is over with!  Keep us posted!

WW