What mistakes did you make in your divorce?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey, all! This could be a fun and informative chat -- in your divorce, what mistakes did you make?

I'll open up with one of mine.

Missed Opportunity A big one (though I did not realize it for several months) was that I had made an appointment for an initial consultation with the most aggressive attorney in town, then cancelled it when I found the lawyer I liked. I figured I would save myself a few hours and a few hundred bucks. Well, my ex hired that attorney, whose obstructionist tactics have added years and thousands of dollars to the cost of the divorce. If I'd just interviewed with her, that would have generated a conflict of interest and my ex could not have hired her!

That was a very expensive cancellation.

[flourdust]

Hey, all! This could be a fun and informative chat -- in your divorce, what mistakes did you make?

I'll open up with one of mine.

Missed Opportunity A big one (though I did not realize it for several months) was that I had made an appointment for an initial consultation with the most aggressive attorney in town, then cancelled it when I found the lawyer I liked. I figured I would save myself a few hours and a few hundred bucks. Well, my ex hired that attorney, whose obstructionist tactics have added years and thousands of dollars to the cost of the divorce. If I'd just interviewed with her, that would have generated a conflict of interest and my ex could not have hired her!

That was a very expensive cancellation.

[livednlearned]

For me, a big one:

Delusional thinking    Believing that if I gave him the house, things would get easier. I was vague in my mind about what I thought easier meant, but I did not expect it to mean four trips to court and two attorneys to get the house refinanced. I could've used the proceeds from the sale of the house to pay my legal fees for the untold trips back to court over a 4-year period.

Missed opportunity Not insisting on an MMPI-2 psychiatric evaluation for my ex. He was ordered to have a forensic psychiatric evaluation after a psychotic episode while caring for then S11, conducted by a forensic psychiatrist. But I didn't realize that not all psychiatrists do the MMPI-2. The 12-page report was not flattering, but it only concluded with "a personality disorder cannot be ruled out and further testing is recommended." I don't think the diagnosis would've changed the outcome, but I do think a label would've helped my son make sense of the behaviors, just like learning about BPD helped me.

[flourdust]

Ooh, I'll add another one.

Delusional thinking I believed that fairness (and even some generosity) would generate reciprocity. Being nice in my offers did not get me anything positive at all. Every negotiation only came to an end when I strongly disputed unreasonable demands with facts and a third party ruled that her position was untenable.

[kells76]

A big one from when my DH and the kids' mom divorced was

Delusional thinking The words in the parenting plan mean the same to both of us: if the PP says ":)H can be with the kids when he's not at work", then we both think it means that Mom will ACTUALLY go above and beyond to have the kids spend time with DH.

For anyone reading this thread who is in the process of nailing down a PP, DO NOT DO THIS. Make it as specific as you can the FIRST time.

[kells76]

Although maybe that was less delusional thinking and more... .I'm not sure... .a misassessment of reality? Not sure how else to categorize it... .

[ForeverDad]

Overall I think I did relatively well, but it sure was a rough road I traveled.

Separation without Temp Orders  This wasn't what I did wrong, but what I almost did wrong.  I didn't see my preschooler for 3 months, she even blocked phone calls to him.  He wasn't school age, she presumably didn't work, she didn't use daycare then, so I had no opportunity to see him away from her.  Emotionally I was so distressed I was virtually climbing the walls.  I so much wanted to go up and knock on her door to see him.  But I knew that would be risky.  I called police to accompany me.  They refused, telling me to wait until I had a court order in hand before they would help.  The officer also confirmed that if I did go to see my son and she called them then of course they'd come rushing.  (Message: "We won't come with you so you can trigger an incident but we will respond to a claimed incident."  I managed to stay away since I didn't want to get arrested.

Getting psych evals for both of us  A common complaint here is that the BPD spouse makes serious allegations and our member is the only one facing a Psych Eval.  If only both would be required to undergo Psych Evals, then at least it would be less unfair.  But courts usually only scrutinize the accused, not the claimed victim.  Well, in my case I was facing allegations in my just-separated spouse's protection filing.  After the first couple continuances I counter filed.  I think it was at that point the court ordered Psych Evals for both of us, with results to be shared with the court and both sides.  I promptly complied, a grad student from the local university did it at my county's mental health agency.  Whoopee, the quickie eval said I had anxiety.  Back at court I shared my report.  Crickets from her side, and soon the cases were dismissed.  I wish I had said, "We'll share dad's report when you share mom's report."  To this day, over 12 years later, I have no idea whether she even complied and had her Psych Eval.  Lesson learned:  If both are required to do, say or reveal something then don't hand over your stuff until you see the other doing the same too.

Temp order hearing  My lawyer whispered, "Shh, stay quiet, we'll fix it later."  Well, the magistrate had just confirmed my separated spouse had blocked all father-preschooler contact for 3 months.  He was ordering a return to a prior order where I had alternate weekends and an evening in between.  No make up time for me.  No consequences for her.  Yes, I knew temp order hearings are brief (I think it was scheduled for a half hour) but I knew she would continue obstructing and I wanted to express my concerns, however limited the time may have been.  When did it get "fixed"?  Not until the Final Decree nearly two years later.  I recently spoke with my lawyer and he told me she was throwing so many allegations at me in those early years that he didn't want to upset whatever favorable appearance the court had for me.

Vague boilerplate clauses such as "reasonable telephone contact" or "mutually agreed"  Custody and parenting orders need to be as specific as possible.  Standard clauses and phrases that presume cooperation and are written to foster cooperation between reasonably normal parents, are invitations for the obstructive parents to reinterpret the order, in their favor of course.  Example:  I had a 5 day weekend with my son and we went on a rafting trip on Friday.  The phone got wet and died that afternoon.  (I had it replaced by the next Wednesday.)  Meanwhile I changed the greeting asking callers to call the home phone instead.  You guessed it, no one called the home phone.  So late Sunday night I accessed the VMs and sure enough ex was raging that I was blocked her contact with our son.  So Monday morning we called her so she could talk to him.  That was at most 2.5 days "out of contact".  We were scheduled to be in court a few days later and naturally she complained about that weekend and got the order changed to onerous phone terms.

Expecting the court to be fair  Expecting common sense and fairness is not rewarded in courts.  They are guided by laws, case law, policies, procedure, decades-long (but unwritten) default preferences for mothers and the local court's own way of handling matters.  This is where having time-tested strategies, helpful peer support and an experienced proactive attorney becomes so important, court will not do your legwork and defense for you.  What we see as horrendous the court may consider "not actionable".  However, when compared to your ex's perceptions, perspectives, entitled demands and such, then at least we can say that court is generally "less unfair" than the ex.

[flourdust]

A big one from when my DH and the kids' mom divorced was

Delusional thinking The words in the parenting plan mean the same to both of us: if the PP says ":)H can be with the kids when he's not at work", then we both think it means that Mom will ACTUALLY go above and beyond to have the kids spend time with DH.

For anyone reading this thread who is in the process of nailing down a PP, DO NOT DO THIS. Make it as specific as you can the FIRST time.

Oh, yeah ... .I've had the experience that she will try to drive through every conceivable loophole (and some that aren't conceivable). She interpreted the paragraph that said we will consult on major medical decisions to mean that when the kid is sick, I have to drop her off at her house.

[livednlearned]

flourdust, you opened a floodgate  

Leaving Loopholes Big Enough for Trains to Drive Through Another big mistake was not having my L insert consequences for non-compliance into the order. If you don't stipulate consequences, then when you go back to court with the inevitable motion for contempt (because pwBPD aren't inclined to follow the order), the judge gets to decide. Which basically amounted to, Come back to the court and show us again how you didn't do this thing. I had to learn (like 3 years in) how to have consequences for non-compliance, for example: LnL will select three parenting coordinators and n/BPDx can choose one. If n/BPDx does not select a PC by day/date, then LnL will choose one. That way we could move forward without going back to court to have the judge say, ":)o what it says in the order or I'll let LnL do it."

I needed consequential stuff for everything toward the end.

[Shrek]

Insufficient preparation: I knew another serious conflict was coming and I needed copies of all important papers, bank records, real estate info, etc. I was slow and lazy getting copies of all that stuff and getting it off-site in case she initiated another conflict involving the police (she did). When I called the police after her attacks, one of us had to leave and it was me.
NOT aggressively pursuing a protective order: Because I'm 6'2", 220 lbs, law enforcement always assumes I'm the aggressor in physical confrontations. This attitude is pervasive and I was unable to get a protective order after multiple attacks and threats to shoot me-even to third parties! She easily secured a protective order. If you are a man suffering from physical abuse, swallow your pride and INSIST on a protective order. When a woman puts their hands on you in anger, throws food or drink at you, or attacks you in your sleep it is assault, plain and simple. don't try to 'take it like a man'.
I 'got caught': I was unaware she had been going through my wallet every day for months. I left a lawyer's card in there after I had consulted with her and it gave her all the excuse she needed to kick off another round of abuse, culminating in the protective order that kept me out of the family home permanently. A control freak who sees it as her job to monitor your every move will find anything you don't actively conceal-like a lawyer's card or your google location history showing you ate lunch at a resturaunt at work instead of packing your lunch as directed... .It will obviously be with a woman instead of the guys you work with and you obviously stole money from her (she doesn't work) to do it.
Believing her:Believing or wanting to believe her each and every time she told me she was sorry about an attack, a lie, an infidelity. She was sorry she got caught and sorry she didn't get her way. The 'sorry' ALWAYS turned into anger directed at me for 'making' her spend too much, skip out for a couple days with no contact, see someone else, lie about finances or  any of a myriad other abuses. Believe their actions, not their words and crocodile tears.

[Nope]

Trying to be too nice or too fair. This was a big problem for me with my DH. I've worked hard to let go of my anger about it. After years of fighting for custody, spending his entire inheritance from his grandparents, and me personally spending hundreds of hours documenting and pouring over evidence, we finally got custody. In the final hearing on child support his uBPDex's lawyer asked for an adjustment from the standard amount because it wouldbe expensive for her to travel to our state for her visitation. The magistrate was unsympathetic and the parties were given fifteen minutes to negotiate through their lawyers about the financial matters.

DH agreed to cut her support obligation in half. Why? Because he wanted to be the nice guy and figured it would help her have more money for visiting the kids. I literally sat there next to him saying "No! No! We have to put braces on SD11! No!" But his L looked at me, shrugged, said I wasn't the client, and went and told her L the offer.

It's been four years and uBPDex hasn't visited the kids once, hasn't given us one penny as required by the order for any of the kid's medical expenses (including those braces), and found a way to circumvent the CS modification we had done a year ago so she is still only expected to pay half of what she should be paying. And who has made up the financial difference? Largely me: The person who wasn't the client.

[40days_in_desert]

My divorce is a little different but worked in my favor in the end. She moved from the state we were living in at the time with our children to our home state (three states and 12 hours away). First mistake was believing her that the separation was to work on our marriage and divorce not being an option. With that mistake, not immediately consulting a lawyer was my second mistake. The agreement that I drafted and the one she reviewed and agreed upon ended up working in my favor in the long run but admit it was only by the grace of God that it was in my favor. She filed for divorce three months later in the state where we were living together and where I was still living. The next mistake was going with the first lawyer recommended to me by my real estate agent. My first L was a nice lady but not aggressive and didn't understand high conflict personalities. As mentioned in previous posts here, I was too nice and too fair. What I thought was a fair middle ground, my ex took as a starting point and her sense of entitlement reared it's ugly head. Not being engaged like I should have and not taking charge of my case was another mistake. I moved to the state where my ex moved so I could be near our children. Shortly after that, the case stalled and we ended up mutually dismissing the first case after a little more than a year.
I filed in our home state (where we both now live) about 8 months after we dismissed the first case. I learned my lesson and hired an excellent attorney. She was assertive, never letting up but not too aggressive. She showed grace by allowing my ex several extensions when she failed to produce discovery material within state time frame to do so. After ex produced discovery and offers and counter offers hit a stalemate, my L said that she suggests to go ahead and set a court date which was 6 months out. A mandatory judicial settlement conference was set one month prior to the court date. This was what ended up being too much to deal with for my ex. She caved and basically gave into everything that I was asking for. Most important was more time with our children.
To summarize, I was fortunate to have a second chance and put into action the things that I learned from the first case in the other state.