Feeling utterly lost: I'm on an evil hamster wheel, but want to be happy

[Andigo]

We have been married for 22 years and have 2 young kids, but about 4 months ago I finally said (rather screamed) enough was enough and made an ultimatum for us to get marriage counseling or it was over. We have been seeing a therapist for about 2 months and she recommended me the 'walking on eggshells' book to me which has led me to this community. Everything I read so far reinforces what I feel and going through. Currently, I struggle with depression. I have lost enthusiasm to do anything and honestly, I don't know where to start to get better. My therapist suggests I talk to my primary care and get a prescription for anti-depressants, but I am not sure I want to go that route. How can I be strong for my kids if I can't be strong for myself? This is an evil hamster wheel that won't stop turning, some days it slows down, but not enough to jump off.
I will continue to read posts and articles and finish the book, but would be happy to hear any advice on the second step (I have come to the realization that going to a therapist is the first), I want to be happy again, truly happy with every aspect of my life, not just the facade for my family and work colleagues.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[livednlearned]

Hello Andigo 

I feel for you, friend. 22 years is a long time to not know which end is up in a relationship. It can really mess with your sense of who you are. The utter confusion in a BPD relationship, not to mention the emotional roller coaster you have likely been on, can be profound.

You are wise to recognize your own self care comes first. And like you said, you have to be there for the kids.

When you try to do something that is about your own self-care, what happens? Is there a healthy activity within reach, that can become a goal you set for yourself?

How young are the kids? I imagine you have to work around their schedules?

[pearlsw]

Hi Andigo,



It sounds like for you anti-depressants represents failure and you want to tough it out, or am I misreading you? In any case, there is no need though to suffer. If any part of our body isn't functioning at full tilt it is perfectly okay to take active measures to give it the support and jump start it needs to get back to a healthier place. It is not a sign of weakness. You are right, your kids do need you to be as healthy as possible!

My SO started taking anti-depressants and we both wish he'd done this YEARS ago. It probably would have saved our relationship had we not neglected to take care of his health in this way.

How did he respond to your ultimatum? What will you do if he does not want to go to therapy?

with compassion, pearl.