How to respond to “No” “GO AWAY”

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
Trying to keep my cool. I need advise on how others handle this totally immature response to any commitment ( take out the trash to getting to a doctor’s appt).

My DD20 is refusing to get up for a doctor’s appt to address her total lack of energy. I’ve gone into her room several times reminding her of this appt. Each time I get “No! Leave me ALONE!”

My problem- I am so stressed out every time she has a commitment to see a therapist, go to a family dinner or make it to a doctor’s appt. And over the past 2 years - since she’s graduated high school- it’s only gotten worse.

I’m stressed making an appt. or making a commitment- too full of worry asking, “will she make it? Do I cancel?”
I’ve got to find a different way of dealing with this.

Do any of you deal with what I call, the toddler ‘Nos’ that’s what it reminds me of- my DD wanted to see the doc- but now she’s refusing. This would be the 2nd appt to address this issue.

This is ridiculous! I am so frustrated. DD20 is supposed to check into residential tomorrow and I don’t know if she’s going to make it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy123

Gee, so very sorry, how utterly frustrating, no wonder you're having a stress fest! From what you say this is a pretty consistent reaction, down to taking responsibility for meds, right? Sorry, I've not had to deal with this, appreciate you are looking to change your approach and hope other parents respond.

Also guess tomorrow is heavily on your DD's mind, that's the biggie. What you are saying is she flip flops over many decisions. Sometimes she tells you what you want to hear, then negates defiantly.

Does your DD ever talk to you about being totally fed up and exhausted by all of this, the chaos, her illness?

I only focused on one thing gently motivating treatment nothing else mattered, I just let other stuff go as it was an overload, she could not cope with it.

WDx

[Huat]

Hi Daisy123

Boy, do I hear and understand your frustration!  We try so hard to help our kids get back on track and seems some days the harder we try... .the more they resist.  It sounds like this is the situation with your daughter.  She is in the boat... .you are the motor.

When I first found this website a few years back and started to read through all the information, Lesson #2 ("If your current approach is not working - change it." really got me to thinking and I go back to that thinking quite often now.

I know for myself that as long as everything stays the same in my world, I just roll along.  When any kind of a change happens, it catches my attention and, like it or not, I have to make some kind of change, too.

Far be it from me, Daisy123, to tell you to do anything different from what you are doing in relation to your daughter.  I do not walk in your shoes.   Sadly, though, there are times when the inevitable happens no matter how hard you try to prevent it.

A few threads below you will see a great one one started by Faith Spring... ."Self Care:  Quick & Dirty."   You need to latch onto some of that self-care for yourself pretty quickly.  Easier said than done... .but can be done.  (Once again... .I speak from experience.)

Glad you are here, Daisy123.  Glad you take the time to sit down and pound the keyboard.  Don't you find that, in itself, helps to release some of the steam?  So many here are listening (reading) and nodding their heads.

Sending you a ((HUG).  Keep posting!

Huat  ; )

[Yepanotherone]

Boy oh boy do I hear yah ! Not only would I get stressed about whether my DD was going to get to her therapy appointments or not , she’d try to blackmail me ! Seriously ? “ I’ll only go to the therapy appointment if you ... .“ or “!im not going to go to therapy if you don’t ... .”.

No way missy !

So stressful , I’m so sorry Daisy  not sure I’ve got any helpful suggestions.  Over a significant portion of my DD being at her worst , we didn’t let her drive. So I would have to clock out of work and drive home to pick her up and take her to therapy , drop her off , pick her up again then take her to school . It was so frustrating and stressful when I’d often find her still fast asleep in bed , totally not giving a hoot that I’d left work to pick her up, completely disrupting my own work schedule to accommodate hers . Many a day I would get home to find her in bed , I’d only have a half hour slot from work to get her to her therapy appointment but  she’d still be fast aleep in bed , not even dressed , and id literally lose my rag and drag her out of bed by her feet ! We had quite a few screaming matches about that and it didn’t set her up for having a good therapy session and my name was probably dragged through the mud many a time ! Most likely highly counter productive!

At some point down the line I think I accepted that if she didn’t want to go , she didn’t want to go and no amount of strategizing on my part to offer incentives etc were going to change her “ buy in”.  I tried to stop losing my rag with her , I validated that maybe a later appointment would be better for her because some nights she wouldn’t sleep well so she would obviously need a longer lie in the mornings . Ultimately though , I did accept that I was farting against thunder ( for want of a better term!) in getting into these fights with her . It became a battle of will more than anything else !

[wendydarling]

Daisy

It's Tuesday where I am, I'm thinking of you and hope your girl makes it to RTC.

WDx

[Daisy123]

Thanks everyone for the support. I did get some take away from all of your input.

Focus on treatment and med
Compliance- everything else can go on the back burner.

Don’t get into a power play- that one I will lose.

If something doesn’t work- try something new.

Keep my cool.

Breathe and let go.

She is currently refusing to get up to go to RTC.

I am considering setting up some consequences-
No car
No phone
No BF over-
She can’t use the car because she’s actively suicidal. Her BF keeps calling her and they fight.
He comes over and they fight. Police have had to come over because of their fights. My home is not a war zone for these two love birds.

I’m just beside myself- writing to remain calm.

Thanks again for being there.

Daisy123

If she can’t take care of herself. She doesn’t need to have access to those

[Huat]

Hello Daisy123.

Great post!   

Stay with us!  None of what you write will be easy to do... .but can be done... .slowly but surely.

Keep writing!

Huat

[wendydarling]

As Haut says, great mindful post Daisy.

What also helped me is to remember is our kids are amazingly perceptive and that we communicate 85% through body language (gee that's before we've opened our mouths), they read us. I always love Lollypop's description she uses 'light as a fairy' it worked for her, mine is 'cool as a cucumber' …... for a further conversation.

How did it go, whatever happened today, nothing is lost we make a better day of our tomorrows.

You will get where you need to be and we are with you.  

WDx  

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
Thanks again for all of the support. Beyond helpful - soul saving!
DD20 was able to get to RTC by 2 p.m. They do not register anyone past 2 because they must have time to go back and forth with insurance authorization- even though we had preauthorization (that was 2 hours of calling 4 people on Monday to ensure DDs placement).

I am somewhat relieved. Still recoupping from a crisis to crisis handful of months. I plan to take a yoga class on Friday to reset my body and soul.

So I picked up reading about BPD again/ Overcoming BPD by Valerie Por.

My lack of compassion - rather worn out, was so thin I had to ask myself if I could live with a suicide of DD due to kicking her to the curb.
That scared me. Death, yesterday almost seemed like relief from her pain.

Valerie Por describes the suffering of out BPD loved ones’ physical, cognitive and emotional challenges so well. I really needed to reread those first few chapters so I could try walking in my DDs shoes once again. The overwhelming shame, auditory disfuctions, hypersensitivity both physically and emotionally. It was a good review of what my DD faces on a moment to moment basis. Add to that the titrating off of Effexor and then the doctor saying that my DD needs to see an endocrinologist to rule out Cushing Syndrome, plus voluntarily checking her self into residential. Geeeez- full plate of hell coming at her.

I am worn down, but compassion is coming back again. My husband and I barely make enough money to make ends meet. We do not have the luxury of monies to pay for an apartment for her. She’s be living on the streets. I’m not there yet, because I asked myself last night, if I could live with the guilt I’d have to face if DD did take her life whilst living on the streets. The answer was no.
I’ve got lots of work to do/ self care is at the top of my list.
Sorry- I am rambling.

Daisy

[wendydarling]

Oh Daisy

You are worn out, I totally get you compassion flies out the window when we are desperate, on the edge of saving, losing our children is very real for us. I've been where you are, I'm holding you tight right now it's ok, your daughter is in safe hands thanks to you  

You are right getting on the same page, standing in their shoes with empathy is what they need from us, yes there is more, though empathy is my no 1 winner and double validation for my situation.

Today was a triumph for you both.

Sleep tight, rest up 

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Daisy,

I'm so glad your DD was able to go to residential. I hope that it helps her and I hope that you are able to get some much needed rest, and peace and quiet.

I used to lose it and scream at my daughter to get up for appts. Sadly it was the only thing that worked. If she spends the night at our house now visiting I get so anxious wondering if she will refuse to get up when it's time for her to go home. It's so frustrating and infuriating to deal with constantly, I hope that syoir DD is able to commit to treatment better through residential.

Sending lots of hugs  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Hey Daisy, how's it going?  Yoga tomorrow right? Yes!

I don't know what to say to the constant NO.  Lately I've just walked away.  I knock, she screams NO, I go about my day. 

I have to give your book a try because when you mentioned auditory sensitivity I thought of my d today, she created these crazy sunglasses to wear when she walks through the house that prevent her from seeing me or her father.  She just taped paper around the perimeter of the glasses so she only sees I guess what's right in front of her. 

She's that sensitive.  ?   Seeing her wear the glasses like that scares me so much.  One of my sisters is schizophrenic.  She never created her own glasses or wore foil hats, but this behavior from my d scares me. 

Compassion, empathy, it can only do you good, so I'm glad it's your goal.

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy123

I've been wondering how you are with your DD in residential? Benefiting from much needed rest and recuperation I hope.

WDx 

[Merlot]

HI Daisy123

From the flow of dialogue, it seems there are so many parents who have struggled with exactly the same issue in getting their child to therapy.  I was wondering if your DD has bought into therapy or if has been suggested as part of a diagnosis?

I have been reading Rachel Reiland's biography of BPD recovery and she self-referred on the basis of a discussion with her church pastor.

I'm steps behind you as my DD refuses to believe she has a diagnosis and actually thinks most others around her have a personality disorder.  The denial is staggering but interesting.  In reading "Get me out of here", once the diagnosis was spelt out to her, her reaction was less than palatable even whilst in therapy.

You are indeed in crisis and I can hear the struggle of being emotionally heaved from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, compassion to exhaustion and back again.  You're on the right track with the Yoga class. 

Hang in there, one day at a time and I'm glad your daughter made it.

Merlot