BPD daughter stopped my contact with my granchild, I'm applying for access

[Mattie]

My daughter, who is now 40, was diagnosed about 10 years ago.  She's resisted all help from local mental health professionals and has 'done' ALL the dangerous behaviours often listed.
I have had her son either living with me, with me all day, with me for w/e/overnight etc for 11 years.
Most recently, I was teaching him 3 X a week as well as spending fun time together.  He was given the diagnosis of autism 5 years ago - I am a special needs teacher and don't feel the diagnosis is accurate.  He's attended a special school, which had left him 2 years behind, so I decided we'd cover the missing syllabus as I was sure he would have a 'happier' time at a normal school.  
My daughter had suddenly stopped me seeing him about 6 years ago, for 6 months - telling him I was ill.  Then OK for another 5 years - until last June when she did the same again.
I have been very unhappy, for him and for myself.  I was a very stable, quiet and 'always the same' sort of person in his life - and now I've 'disappeared'.  She has told so many lies about me - it's very difficult as I still work in SpNeeds.  
He was very unhappy for the last 6 months before the contact stopped - she was determined to send him to the next MLD school - I had done a full test and he was absolutely age appropriate or better in all areas.  He felt I was the only one who listened.  She called one afternoon and hugged me, cried and begged for forgiveness - when asked what for, she said 'I've been so awful to you, lied to everyone about you.'  I asked if she knew why - she said 'I'm SO jealous of your relationship with X.'
I asked her and her latest partner if they'd like my camper van to take X away for odd trips, holidays - but after a year they'd taken him nowhere and been away 3 times on their own, so I asked for it back.
Her partner returned it.  Very threatening, in my face - 'You have no family now! Take my mobile ph. no. as it's the only contact.'  There was drug taking equipment in the van.
So ... .I have decided to go to court for access.  But it's very painful.  I've always 'been on her side' and never discussed her behaviours with other than 2 very close friends - who've witnessed outbursts etc.
The first hearing is in less than 3 weeks, and I know X will have had 12 months of brainwashing to say he doesn't want to see me.  He was questioned for 2 hours after being with me in the weeks leading up to the 'break'.  He was so unhappy he asked his drum teacher (a colleague of mine) if he could 'please send my nanny a txt' - he must have been questioned and so she stopped his drum lessons.
My house is full of glorious photos of him, always laughing - we just love each other.  I'm hoping Piaget's @give me a child for the first 5 years... .' is true for him.
I've written him a 2 A4 page letter every 1-2 weeks since last June, but she contacted the police and asked them to warn me it was harrassment - they contain nothing but news of the garden - hedgehogs, vegetables, birds - and news of my friends who love him but don't see him now.
Wicked.
Has anyone been through similar?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Mattie and welcome,

I wish I could tell you that I have been through similar to you but sadly I haven’t, however, I can give you a hug   and tell you that you have come to the right place for help and support.

How awful for you to have spent so much of your time with your grandson, only to have him taken from you by his jealous mother, my heart goes out to you.

It might be worthwhile taking a look on the ‘Family Law, Custody, Co-parenting, Divorce’ board to gain some insight seeing as you have decided to go to court for access, and with your first hearing being in less than three weeks.

I hope that you are practicing good self care at this most difficult and painful time for you x 

[Huat]

Hello Mattie.   I join Feeling Better in welcoming you here... .to a place where you, nor I, probably never thought we would be.

My husband and I are in our mid/late 70's and parents to our 52-year-old uBPD daughter, the mother to our only 2 grandchildren who are now in their mid-late 20's.  This nightmare-filled-life with our daughter began when she was just 12, running away at the time when a yet-to-be-captured serial killer of teens was active in our area.  Each time she disappeared, we lived in fear that she would be one of his victims.

So... .now 40 years under our belts of dealing with the terrible behaviours that can be associated with BPD.  We, too, have received tearful apologies over the years with promises like... ."I never want to hurt you again"... .and then she would. 

None of our stories here are exactly the same but certainly there are similarities and the one that connects me with you is the hurt we share that comes from being separated from our grandchildren. 

We were surrogate parents to ours as their mother went from one relationship to another, fought custody battles, needed emotional/financial support... .etc., etc., etc.!... .used those precious little ones as pawns against each of their fathers... .and against us when we would be the focus of her anger.    A saying she uses to this day is "MY girls"... .and, sadly for us, they are just that.  When she cuts off contact with us... .so do they.

I so wish I could give you "sage advice"... .tell you exactly what you should do... .but I can't.  You are going to have to follow your heart... .pray that each step you take will be the right one.  It is so much more complicated when grandchildren are involved.

I do so urge you to stay with this community.  I, like you, kept so much to myself over the years and that can be isolating.  I cried when I first heard of and read the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  Then when I found this website, I cried again.  It was so important and validating to me to find I was not alone.  It is nice to get the support... .and nice to be able to give it to others in return.

Once again, Mattie, welcome!  Hope you keep sharing.

Huat

[Overwhelmedabit]

I’m so very sorry to hear your story. I wish I had something positive to say to you. I can only offer sympathy. As I write this, I’m sitting here worried that my BPD daughter will call the police and try to take my grandson back. All I can do is love him and care for him every day the very best that I can. I pray that something changes for the good in your situation and send you big hugs. It is tough having a child like this: it is even tougher seeing them raise - or in my case not raise - tour grandchildren.

[Kiminski]

Mattie,

I am going through the same situation. We are almost two months into another no contact with the grandchildren. They are 12 and 10 years old. Lived with us for 8 years. Grandson has no contact with any of his father's side of the family, and because of this we developed a very special bond. I cut his umbilical cord when he was born. My granddaughter told her mother a week before this latest NC that I was "Her heart". I too, have a house full of pictures, Nana & Papa frames and mugs, etc. I don't think there are words to describe how bad this hurts. The tiniest thing will set her off. Sometimes it is so out of the blue we don't even see it coming. Once it starts, she goes straight into "hate" mode. We never know how long it will last. We would love to fight for grandparent's rights, but really do not have the finances to do so. I know with her, it will be a battle spent fending off her many lies. I wish there was an easy solution to this problem for all of us. It breaks my heart to know that so many innocent children are used a weapons to hurt the grandparents who love them so dearly.

[wendydarling]

Hello Mattie  

I'm sorry you have been placed in the very painful position of applying for access to your grandson, after all you've gifted your GS and supported your daughter you find yourself where you are today, it hurts as beyond as Kiminski shares.  I do believe the love and care you bestow your GS will be in his heart forever and provide him balance through out, he'll be thinking of you.  

When you say the first hearing is near, can you share with us the process you are going through, who did you consult with and is providing you support in the process? I'm wondering what information have you been advised to submit?

I look forward to supporting you with parents here.

WDx

[Yat4]

Oh my gosh, yes. There are so many of us unfortunately. I have three grandkids that we have spent years seeing off and on, whatever the mood she feels. It hurts so much, especially when we know that they are living in bad circumstances and can do nothing to help. I don't have any advice, as I'm new here to. I just wanted to let you know that you are absolutely not alone.

[pjmanley41]

I'm in a similar situation.  Currently considering going to court for custody of my gd.  Seeing so many other grandparents with the same problem makes me so sad but since I found this forum today, I feel--for the first time--like I'm not alone.

[Blueskyday]

Awwe Mattie,
I am so so sorry! I have this bond with my almost 7yr old Grandaughter. Its indescribable the love we feel for them and they feel for us. You have to trust that despite the brainwashing attempt he still feels the same. If he says he doesnt want to see you its from fear. Kids know where the power lies and feel when it shifts. If your dtr holds the cards at the moment he surely knows. Hes maybe going to be in self protect mode.

My Grandbaby told me only yesterday she wants to move in with me. She made me take her home at 7am today rather than go last night because she doesn't like her house. She lives with my dtr. She snuggles me all night despite the heat. We totally adore eachother.

I was threatened when baby was 6months old and she was raging at some nonesense. I came down so hard so fast it made her head spin. I threatened her with a lifetime of legal action. I don't think I have ever felt such intense anger and she saw my teeth like never before. I had nothing left to lose. I was fortunate in that there is never a partner to feed the rages and listen to the nonsense.

The children know we adore them. If the worst were to happen and you are refused access then the child would know it was the Mothers fault. Shes cutting off her nose to spite her face as my Mother used to say. Shes damaging her child, her relationship with her child and your physical/emotional wellbeing... .I see this as a kind of BPD "Strike"... .She sounds like a very selfish immature girl.

Keep coming back... .Youre not alone now. We have wisdom and we have experience. We will help you. Feel free to pm me anytime Xx

[wendydarling]

Mattie gave me permission to post her latest update on her behalf.

Hi.  Sorry for delay but lots of time on court replies etc.
In the first instance, I had to attend a mediation meeting with a mediation practitioner (£££!)
She contacted my daughter, who refused to attend, even separately.  I am told that doesn't 'please' the legal bods when the case is progressed.
I found a family law solicitor, who I met and liked and felt confident with.  I have had 2 hour-long sessions, durting which she has taken masses of notes, typed them up and sent them to me - summaries of facts to date.
I had to complete forms (£££) sent from the local Family Court - first to make An Application - and then to Apply for Access to my grandson.  The first session is a week on Monday (19th July) and will be in front of a Judge and 3 Lay Justices (?), myself and my barrister (£££) who I haven't met yet.
My daughter should be there with her barrister (legal aid) and both barristers make a simplified statement.  My solicitor has advised going an hour earlier to have a 'session' with my barrister to explain/discuss any points she has/needs clarity about.
Following that court hearing, orders for more information/eveidence etc are decided and need to be prepared for the next hearing.
It's all VERY new and sort of frightening to me.  I can only tell the truth - daughter - well, I cannot possibly imagine what she will say to justify stopping contact - how do 'they' know who is telling the truth?
Contact stopped by her 'boyfriend' - nothing from her except lovely txt 4 months after no contact with gs telling me how he'd settled happily into senior school - and 'I'm sure it won't be long before he tells you all about it himself'.
I imagine the rules/laws/methods differ as I am in England.
It is certainly going to be a very expensive journey - and one that I know I don't deserve - but I have to at least try, if only to show to gs in a few year's time that I tried. 
Even now, over a year since contact was stopped, it looks as if it will be a long process and I may not see him for quite some time, IF I am lucky enough to 'win'.
Funny that.  I've never been competitive and never had a need to WIN -until now.
Thank you all for support - it really does help.
Mattie

[Quiet Contemplat]

I have been in a similar  situation , though not as long as you have.  I don't have any great insight, just have dealt with the lies about me and the vindictive  behavior, even though she has relied on me for so much her entire life.  I too am a Sped teacher.  I work very hard at not letting my relationship  with my daughter  take over my life or that of my 16 yo. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Mattie

Wishing you the very best for the first court hearing you say Monday 19 July, do you mean Thursday 19 July? I'm sorry your daughter did not make it to mediation. Do you have a friend attending with you? Keep to heart you are a reasonable person asking for access to grandson. In some divorce situations where children are concerned they can ask people to go back to mediation. Do they take into account your grandsons wishes?

WDx

[Daisy123]

Hello Mattie’s and all of you, grandparents out there,
Though my DD20 has no children, I don’t share this experience of being cut off twice (more than twice in so many of your situations) After reading this feed, I just felt such heartbreak and awe simultaneously.
Bluesky called this action a BPD strike.
I’m just so sorry you must deal with this double dose of cruelty.
And, still, you all get up, find the energy to lend your support to others while continuing to learn new ways of solving some incredibly difficult problems! My hat is off to you, Mattie and other grandparents on this feed.
I’m struck by what all of you do to keep in contact with your grandchildren. You are some truly strong grandparents!
Mattie, I’m rooting for you! I hope you have some support- a close friend, when you go into court. You are an amazing grandmother.
Please take care of yourself.
All the best to you,

Daisy123

[justj]

Dealing with the same type of issues. My 21 yo daughter and 2 1/2 grand live with me. Daughter is pregnant.  She threatens, leaves, comes back... .I had no idea that there were so many in the same position.  Prayers for peace for us all.

[Blueskyday]

How true daisy...

This board has helped me up from being literally at rock bottom. I am feeling my feelings, acknowledging my anger at the moment and working through. I feel so accepted here.

The anger will pass, its grief!
We lose the child we love, how can we not grieve. I think it makes us stronger for the Grandchildren.

Mattie, how is it going?

[wendydarling]

Hi Mattie

I join Blueskyday and others asking after you, how are you, how's it going? 

WDx