Trying to fully end relationship and recover my life.

[Lostinthedesert]

Hello,  I have been reading the articles and message boards on this site as I am feeling lost, confused, guilty, and just about every other troubling emotion possible following the final (I hope) ending of a nearly 3 year relationship.  I am not even sure if my ex is suffering from BPD, but is certainly seems very possible.  She would fall into the "silent or waif" type and while there have not been outward rages, there certainly has been plenty of self-destructive and victim behavior.

Met her online and she was nice, shy, and very beautiful... .yes, seemed a bit vulnerable from a tough life.  Looking back, she did seem to reel me in with her history and then what happened next... .

First, her history as revealed to me over the early start of our relationship:  Given up for adoption as a baby by teenage mother.  Adopted by family at 6 months and adopted father sexually abused her as a young girl for 6 years.  Possibly older brother as well.  Says she had a loving mother, but mother was also intimidated or abused by father.  She went on to describe that each of her relationships with women were both physically and emotionally abusive... .described at least three to me.  One woman nearly beat her to death when she attempted to leave, putting her in the hospital for a month.  Now, I have never experienced anything like this in my prior relationships and I feeling a bit uneasy about this stuff.  She had in fact left the last abusive relationship and moved to another state (where I live), but still seemed to have some connection to the ex related to property.  I later learned she lied to me about the details of this.

We had barely started dating and it was clear she was being sexually harassed by the men in her office (she was the only female in the office)  It was apparent that she had the ability to draw a lot of attention from men, despite being a gay woman.  A woman that worked in her same building had developed some type of crush on her and supposedly they were just friends, but this woman ended up assaulting her one day when my ex told her she was not interested in a relationship! (Another pwBPD?)  Now, I am totally drawn in, can't believe this has happened, and wanting to protect her.  The story gets worse.  Two other men that worked in her building also seemed to have crushes on her and started harassing her.  They both lost their jobs and both then turned into stalkers., threatening her.  So now, this has gotten totally beyond my ability to understand, but somehow I kept rationalizing that it couldn't be her fault.  Four months from her first assault from the woman, a young guy in her apartment complex also started harassing her and his behavior escalated to a sexual assault.  So for  the first year of this relationship is was all centered around how to keep her safe and my extreme worry.  It was a long distance relationship and we saw one another only on weekends.  There were lots of other incidents that are not worth going into, but the pattern was undeniable.  She seemed so normal in other ways, excellent at her job, highly intelligent, etc.  We got her moved to a safer place, and I hoped it would all settle down. We had a period of fairly normal fun and activities. However, she was always telling me how lonely she felt, how hard the long distance relationship was, that it had no future and yet she would never end it, just pull away somewhat and then come back.  There was something in me that told me it would be a huge mistake to make a plan to move in with her, so I never did, but she got more and more resentful over time.  When I finally decided this was just not a healthy relationship and tried to end it, then I saw some some anger come at me!  She accused me of being cruel and abandoning her, after all that she had done for me... .and I saw that she was already on a dating site!  I made it through two weeks of NC, but made the "mistake" of unfriending her from FB and that opened up an onslaught of messages that I should have ignored.  In the end she has accused me of being just like all her other abusive ex partners, that I was stalking her, that I need to deal my insecurities, etc.  I am going to see a counselor, as I feel like I have been through some kind of traumatic experience... .and I still worry about her!  Sorry for the length of the post.  Just want some feedback that maybe this is a pwBPD, and that I can recover from this.

[once removed]

hi Lostinthedesert and

you can recover from this, things do get better, and youve come to the right place.

its quite a whirlwind to have been so close to someone, to share so many things, and then to have to distance yourself, only to see the person treat you like an enemy. it certainly is traumatic and very hard to process.

its a great step youre taking to see a counselor, and in making your first post here. youre in good company with folks that understand. a strong support system is so critical, and was very necessary in my own recovery. do you also have friends and family you can lean on in this time?

how long have you been out of the relationship? was it about two weeks ago that she sent the messages?

[Lostinthedesert]

Yes, I do have very good friends and support, although worry that I have worn them out over the course of this last year trying to figure it all out!  We had several attempted break ups, and when I saw this pattern starting to emerge again recently, I just couldn't take it so ended it about three weeks ago.  It has only been a few days now since the last message exchanges, and I was so disappointed in myself for getting drawn in again.  I literally am so stressed that I have lost weight, and certainly can't get the thoughts out of my head.  I believed I loved this woman deeply and now I wonder if is was just a codependent relationship.  Honestly, I have had pretty normal relationships, long term and not destructive.  Just not understanding how I have gotten so caught up in this.

[Cromwell]

Yes, I do have very good friends and support, although worry that I have worn them out over the course of this last year trying to figure it all out!  We had several attempted break ups, and when I saw this pattern starting to emerge again recently, I just couldn't take it so ended it about three weeks ago.  It has only been a few days now since the last message exchanges, and I was so disappointed in myself for getting drawn in again.  I literally am so stressed that I have lost weight, and certainly can't get the thoughts out of my head.  I believed I loved this woman deeply and now I wonder if is was just a codependent relationship.  Honestly, I have had pretty normal relationships, long term and not destructive.  Just not understanding how I have gotten so caught up in this.

Hi and Welcome Lostinthedesert

I can tell by your message that Its early days, not very long since you last spoke and this has impacted you a great deal, there sounds a lot that you are just starting to figure out whilst at the same time deal with the stress along with a feeling of disbelief as to what has happened. Its very beneficial you have the support there in your friends, perhaps it will be less of a strain now that you have finished the relationship and can gradually build up some used up stamina again, working things out gradually as the intensity fades away more into the past.

There seems like a lot to think about at the moment but please realise you have time to do this at your own pace, try not to feel overwhelmed at the moment, however it feels like it is all coming to you at once. We are here for you.

[Lostinthedesert]

Thank you... .it is good to know I am not alone in going through this and that I am not crazy!

[once removed]

I do have very good friends and support, although worry that I have worn them out over the course of this last year trying to figure it all out!

this is why a good counselor, and a good support group will go a very long way. my friends and family were supportive too, but i wore them to their wits end, and they didnt really know how to help at a certain point.

I literally am so stressed that I have lost weight, and certainly can't get the thoughts out of my head.

it can sound trite, but self care is really critical in the aftermath of these relationships. if we dont take the best care of ourselves we can, it can really exacerbate everything. it can be hard to do so, i know... .around 80% of members arrive here depressed. a visit to your doctor or additionally finding a good therapist can do wonders.

i also found it helped to talk. if you want to let some of the thoughts in your head fly, we are listening and can help you work through them.

[Roler]

Yes, I do have very good friends and support, although worry that I have worn them out over the course of this last year trying to figure it all out!  We had several attempted break ups, and when I saw this pattern starting to emerge again recently, I just couldn't take it so ended it about three weeks ago.  It has only been a few days now since the last message exchanges, and I was so disappointed in myself for getting drawn in again.  I literally am so stressed that I have lost weight, and certainly can't get the thoughts out of my head.  I believed I loved this woman deeply and now I wonder if is was just a codependent relationship.  Honestly, I have had pretty normal relationships, long term and not destructive.  Just not understanding how I have gotten so caught up in this.

Lostinthedesert,

I can so relate to what you write there.
The stress, the being at loss, the disappointment of fall backs, the questions about what YOU maybe were in that relationship, who THEY were?
When I discovered this forum it was at a time I felt alone in this and really stuck. Stuck in my thoughts and reasoning, stuck in my grief and inability to let go, stuck in me trying to explain to myself what happened and why, the breakups, and so may things that others have written about.
It was reading posts of members on here that started to make me feel I wasn't alone in this whole ordeal, that many others were out there that were going through the same. That there was no reason to be ashamed of feeling so lost (I was in an affair with all the guilt feelings that would also be added to this) . It was the personal nature of the contributions on here that made me eventually also join, not just read through the forum. Because despite the professional help I sought, being able to be interacting with "same souls" did equally good, if not more to the process of recovery I am going though.
I experienced already for the past months that process of grief is not linear; not every day will be the same or better, there will be phases you go through, and it is very normal to feel they sometimes go in any particular order, back and forth, sometimes all of them in a matter of minutes or hours.  I experience the same disappointment, and had (and still have) to tell myself to give it time and not be disappointed if things seem to go all over the place and Im not making progress. There is no time-frame, although we all would like to know: this is just going to take x weeks or months. Because it would create some kind of hope that there is an end to it. There is, even though it may seem lightyears away, there is. There are many members here, all in different stages of their process, and I think all of us that came to join the forum, realise the struggles and recovery are day to day steps. Fall backs are a normal part of the recovery, and nothing to feel failure about. Now after this ending of the relationship, you have only just started to allow yourself to get to a place where you can start your recovery from. It was undoubtedly an extremely difficult decision, but it is you that made it  which is a tremendous step.

Give yourself time, all the time. Be gentle to yourself and allow your feelings, thoughts and emotions to be there. To allow them to be processed. Take it day by day and over time they will become less overwhelming, more manageable. You will then feel that the recovery follows your road, your time, in your control.

[Lostinthedesert]

Thank you all for your words of support.  Today I drove 2 hours to another town halfway between us ( actually my hometown) to place her belongings that were left at my place in a storage unit for her to retrieve at her convenience.  After the rather cruel nature of the last communication, I just knew that seeing one another to exchange the stuff would not be a good idea.  It was so odd to place her things in that unit today in the town where we often met and actually had some very nice times.  It is hard to reconcile the good times with the crazy stuff that she seems to draw to her with all the violence and abuse, yet not seeming to be aware of her role in it?  I think my overwhelming emotion is of utter failure... .failure to protect her, failure to help her, failure to figure it all out sooner.  I am sure there is some old childhood stuff around that!  It is just so weird to be blamed for being like her abusive ex's, when there was not one moment of abuse or violence that I demonstrated, nor would I ever.  I started to understand how she evokes anger in others and if you did have a violent nature, you just may react.  Mostly I just feel beat down and very sad.

[Cromwell]

Feel proud of yourself for differentiating yourself from those who were like that in her life lostinthedesert.

These are never going to be any easy encounters when so much emotional investment has been added in but they are further steps towards closure and from there a pathway towards healing.

im glad that you are taking practical steps to transition towards detachment. It can feel overwhelming like at the base of a mountain to climb, but its all positive steps towards healing from these intense emotional states.

[once removed]

one of the sad things about BPD traits... .

theres the inherent distrust of people, and it is amplified in close relationships. theres the fear that loved ones dont love them, will exploit them, will leave them. there are acting out behaviors that serve as self fulfilling prophecies.

and those self fulfilling prophecies serve as "proof" of the fears. its very hard to be on the receiving end of, especially when your intentions were good.

the storage unit was a classy move.

[Lostinthedesert]

Thank you for your responses... .yes, I totally recognize the broken and hurting little girl inside her... .that is what hooked me I guess and I feel very badly for her suffering.  Just have to finally take care of my own hurting little girl right now.

[once removed]

hows the counseling going? does your counselor have any particular thoughts on what youre going through?

[Lostinthedesert]

Just had my first session with a new counselor and I think it will be a very good fit.  Feels better to simply be heard and have some validation for what I am feeling.  I am hopeful it will be very helpful.  In the meantime, I have to send one notification of where I have placed the ex's belongings in storage... .and avoid saying much else!

[once removed]

keep us posted. let us know how it goes!

[Lostinthedesert]

Do others struggle with knowing you absolutely did the right thing to step away from a difficult relationship, but still feel so sad and lost?  I so know in my head this was not a healthy relationship, and I see how things were being turned around on me... I am the insecure one, the one who needs help, who doesn't understand, even landing in the pile of abusive ex's, I "shattered" her, and so forth.  I know all of this is not true, but I find myself questioning my own reality.  While I have made the physical break, and havent seen her or spoken to her in over a month, she is still in my head and heart and I want to be free of that.  How have people stopped ruminating?

[Cromwell]

Do others struggle with knowing you absolutely did the right thing to step away from a difficult relationship, but still feel so sad and lost?  I so know in my head this was not a healthy relationship, and I see how things were being turned around on me... I am the insecure one, the one who needs help, who doesn't understand, even landing in the pile of abusive ex's, I "shattered" her, and so forth.  I know all of this is not true, but I find myself questioning my own reality.  While I have made the physical break, and havent seen her or spoken to her in over a month, she is still in my head and heart and I want to be free of that.  How have people stopped ruminating?

It can feel very surreal at times, I'll give you that Lostinthedesert.

Theres not a day that I dont think about her, but that is different from ruminating. So yes, in time the rumination can end. Can I suggest my own opinion that rumination is based in repressed emotions that need to be dealt with. It can seem like we are focused on the actual split up/detachment itself, and the feelings are directed at this, but in my own case once I got time from the NC, new emotions came as a result of ruminating and I realised they were the result of emotions that were repressed during the relationship. It can be difficult because cant pin point down right now "why do I keep thinking of her over and over" then just rationalise this as "oh must be pining for lost love" and it gets squared away as that. But if this rumination continues, it couldnt be a conclusion that sits exactly true.

I took it for granted that I could just go no contact, leave her like ive done other relationships, what I discovered was a very convoluted twine ball of confused feelings that im still tackling today. It gets easier though, it helps to have the support here, its not like I can talk to my ex and get some sort of answers, otherwise i wouldve been open during the relationship and expressed myself then. So please feel free when you get certain days you may feel overwhelmed to share if you think it will help - it has been a massive advantage for me to get past that ruminating and I feel the worst of it all is over, just residual thinking of her and most often in positive nostalgic ways. So just giving you some hope that you wont always feel the way you are now, even it can feel that way at the time.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello Lostinthedesert,

Others do struggle with believing that walking away is the best thing.  I struggle mightily with that.  You speak of feeling sorry and protective of the hurt child in your partner.  That’s exactly how I felt and always wanted to make things right and help my partner be happy.  We wanted to do this and short of fixing, protecting, making them happy we feel as if we have failed.  We have to take a step back and see that these were never really ours to do.  It is up to each person to heal themselves.  Of course, we wanted to help but were thwarted by the blaming, accusing behaviors of our significant other.  In the end, I feel as if I was supportive and did help my spouse, but it was not enough.

Ultimately, our job is to love and take care of ourselves.  This isn’t selfish, but is necessary to live our lives as they are meant to be.

Peace and blessings,
Mustbeabetterway

[Lostinthedesert]

Thank you for your replies and wisdom.  I know this takes time, and I know it touches upon many old wounds.  I also know there is no way to save her from herself, as hard as I wanted to.  I just couldn't watch the same pattern start again and didn't want to be the one to pick up the pieces.  And of course, there is the pretty certain knowledge that she is already starting something new with another woman.  That was definitely the line for me.  It is just all so crazy making, and I remind myself that if I wasn't a caring and compassionate person, I wouldn't really give a damn!  So there is that!

[once removed]

How have people stopped ruminating?

it was kinda three fold for me... .

1. i took some health supplements that got me in mentally far better shape. everything suddenly felt smaller and more manageable in my head. less urgency to go down every line of rumination that would otherwise come up.

2. sometimes i just let it fly. doing so on paper tended to help a lot more than it did with friends or family. on paper id go on and on until i was exhausted and id stop.

3. "theres a tool for that!" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

[Lostinthedesert]

Thank you for the link to the article... .it was very helpful!