New Member: My mom isn't diagnosed, but does this sound like BPD?

[MissDisney]

Hi everyone! For a long time I've been looking for a forum/support group for those with loved ones with BPD, and I'm really glad I've come across this one  

For a while, I've had doubts whether my mum's actions and feelings should be considered 'normal' or rational. Something about her always seemed different to me as a child, and this became really evident to me in my mid-teenage years. It was brought to my attention by my older brother that she displayed many of the characteristic traits of BPD. I did some research, and began to find more and more similarities between mum's behaviour and stories I read online.

I love my mum a lot, but for the past year or so, I haven't been coping well at home. I find myself depressed all the time and totally lost. When mum experiences her rage or sad episodes, I find myself going into a darker place each time. I then wake up the next morning and feel guilty for this because she's back to being a happy, loving mum. I feel trapped, and nothing makes it better. Stories I've read from other family members of those with BPD put it perfectly; it's a constant state of 'walking on eggshells', and it's something that my whole life has revolved around. I'm hoping that being a member of this group can help me to understand and cope with my home life, and I hope to offer the same support to others.

Disclaimer: mum has NOT been diagnosed officially with BPD. HOWEVER, I hope this doesn't take away from the validity of my experiences and my support in this group. As much as I know this is in no way a diagnosis, from my experiences and research and a close family member who is in psychology, I do believe my mum has BPD (she is a classic textbook example), and so I hope that you all won't discard my posts/responses as being from someone who doesn't know what they're talking about and is looking to label my mum's behaviours as something that they're not because that's not my intention at all.

[Harri]

Hello and welcome!  So glad you found us.  We are a close group that can relate to a lot of what you posted so you are in the right place for sure.    We get it and are here to support each other as we try to improve our own lives and work on things related to the past.  A diagnosis is not necessary here.  Most of the people we post about on this site are not diagnosed so no worries there.

Do I understand correctly that you live with your mother?  Is it her house or yours?  You mentioned this last year has been particularly hard.  Is there anything different about this year that would account for it?  Or is it more that you have just reached your limit?  Something else?

Is there one particular thing your mother does that you would say is the most difficult to deal with?

We have lots of articles I can share but I am going to wait until we get a few more details so we can lead you to ones that will be most immediately helpful.

Once again, I am glad you joined us and posted.  We all get it here so please post away.  It is good to have you.

[Turkish]

The loved ones that brought most of us here aren't diagnosed with BPD.  That's ok.  The behaviors we experienced led us to believe so.  Given that,  we all support each other, and there is a lot of material here which can help to reduce conflict,  understand what's going on,  and also to heal from abuse. We all have our have had the "walking on eggshells" feelings. 

Waking up not knowing which mum you are dealing with from day to day is certainly frustrating. People with BPD (pwBPD, let's just assume) have trouble regulating their emotions,  and in s dysregulated state, see the world differently depending upon their moods.

Can you share what you think may trigger her from day to day and how you react to it? "Waking up" might be one answer,  and it can be hard to see,  yet are there specific things which trigger her?

You live with her,  yes? What about your older brother? Do you have any support besides him?

T

[MissDisney]

Harri and Turkish,

Thank you so much for your replies, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply myself. I can see through the posts on the board that there is a lot of care and support for everyone involved which is really special.

Yes, I do live with mum still. I've only just turned 20, and I live in Australia, so it's uncommon to move away for college (we call it University or Uni here). We're not a very well-off family, and I personally don't have much money or a way to move out of home and be self-sufficient as of yet. I think it's a little of everything that's made this year hard. I feel as though she is becoming more erratic and unpredictable, but I also think part of it is me just growing up and I feel as though, BPD or not, we are very different people and we have big clashes in values and beliefs. I also feel as though she judges me for everything I do, including the people I hang out with, where I go, and even things that I can't control about myself like my appearance. She also is, and has always been, extremely strict, which has been having a very big impact on my emotional health because I'm finding it hard to maintain friendships when I'm not allowed to spend time with friends. I'm not even allowed to see my boyfriend too often or she gets mad. So all of that added up makes me feel trapped and lost, but I also feel as though I can't talk to her about it because she'll get really angry at me. I remember times from when my older brother still lived with us when he'd call her out on things and she'd threaten to kick him out of the house. She never did, but I'm worried the same thing will happen to me if I try to talk to her about it.

I've been reading about BPD a lot, and in doing so I've developed a deeper understanding of why mum acts the way she does, and so while I'm more understanding of it when she has outbursts, it doesn't make me feel any better or happier. My older brother has moved out of home now, so I don't always get to talk to him about it. He does ask a lot about how things are going, but other than him I don't have any support. My dad is in denial about it all I think, and he doesn't seem to want to talk about it either. I thought about telling my boyfriend and maybe my best friend, but I'm a very closed-off person so I found it extremely difficult to vocalise and in the end didn't bother. I think also it's hard for me to talk about it with someone who doesn't know anyone with BPD, because I'm worried they won't understand and will judge either myself or my family.

[Learning2Thrive]

How are things going for you MissDisney?  We are here to listen and support you as you navigate stressful times.  Be sure to take good care of you today. 

L2T