My girlfriend is pregnant and wants to leave me

[Lostguy]

Hello,
     My girlfriend is pregnant and has recently decided to end the relationship.  We had previously lived together, but about a month ago she said she needed a break.  I left the house to give her space, but we continued to talk via text.  She would often start off the conversations nicely enough, but would end up lashing out at me for no reason.  I chalked it up to the pregnancy hormones, and let it go.  I always tried to be supportive of her, and never lashed out in return, but she would continue to berate me and tell me that I wasn't supportive.  She ended the relationship about two weeks ago, but continued to text me.  She also puts quotes on social media that are directed at me, but I ignore.  She asked me to come pick up my stuff, and when I did she said that I was running away from her, despite the fact that I have never broken up with her.     She continues to put negative things on Social Media, and when I try to reach out to her, she continues to berate me.  This is not the girl I fell in love with, and who I care about.  I don't know what to do, I want to reach out to her, but every time I do she turns it into an opportunity to slam me.  At this point, I cannot continue to contact her and let her beat me up emotionally.  I still love her and care for her, but I am lost.  Has anyone been through a similar situation and have any advice?

Thank you in advance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Lostguy and

can you tell us a bit more about how these conversations with her are transpiring?

when was the last time you spoke?

it sounds like shes flipping out about not feeling heard or supported, do i have that right?

[pearlsw]

Hi Lostguy,

Sorry you are having such a hard time!

Do you know how far along in the pregnancy she is? Was/is she excited about it? Were/are you excited about it? Did you discuss changing the relationship in any way in light of the pregnancy? Did you talk much about parenting and future dreams?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Lostguy]

Prior to becoming pregnant, she said she wanted a baby, but since then she has made comments like "I wanted a baby until I found out I was pregnant".  I am excited about having a child together, and tried to talk to her or show her baby items but when I did she would always shut me down.  I was excited about starting a life together, but she was never open to talking about the future. 

[once removed]

pregnancy can be so scary, for one or both parties.

when is she due?

[Lostguy]

She is still in her first trimester. She has completely cut me out of everything.  Decision making, etc. etc.

[once removed]

more detail will give us a better feel for this situation and next steps, and help us better support you.

at the moment, it sounds like she doesnt feel heard or supported. thats not to say you havent tried to hear her or support her. but the two of you arent hearing each other.

i suspect that a whole lot of just listening will go a long way. you say when you reach out, she berates you. does she do that right off the bat, or is it in response to something you say?

[Lostguy]

It is right off the bat, and it is totally unprovoked.  I try to check on her, ask her if she needs anything or just talk in general and she attacks me.  She doesn't even address the question, or ever answer anything I ask about the baby.   

[once removed]

do you think there is an action you could take that doesnt involve words per se, that would show you care, and support her?

possibly related to the baby, but it doesnt have to be.

[Lostguy]

Well I have tried to give her things to help such as vitamins, and things that might ease the nausea.  I have also picked some things out for the baby and asked her if she liked them.  She doesn't respond well to any of that.  When I tried to rub her back or do something to sooth her, she would get mad.  I have totally tried to support her and be there for her, but she keeps slamming the door in my fact. Metaphorically of course. I literally cannot even talk to her because in her eyes, I don't care which could not be further from the truth. 

[pearlsw]

Hi Lostguy,

May I ask, did she state a reason for ending the relationship?

How long had you been together before she became pregnant?  

Was it a planned or unplanned pregnancy? Were you hoping for a future together or did this put some pressure on your relationship to take it to another level perhaps?

What would you like to have happen?

May I ask your ages?

with compassion, pearl.

[Harley Quinn]

You have some good questions from Pearl above. I'm also wondering if you could share with us some of the things she's saying?  To give us an idea of her reality.  This must be so hard for you. We can help here. More information will allow us to do that in a way that's best suited to your situation.

Love and light x

[Lostguy]

We had been together about a year before she became pregnant.  We are 6 years apart and I thought we were committed to one another as we were living together and had talked about the future.  She would say we needed to talk, but when I tried she would either turn off or avoid talking all together.  I reached out many, many times trying to talk but each time she turned me down.  She doesn't seem to remember any of this, but instead chooses to insult me and bash me, which I can take because I know it isn't true, but that still doesn't make it ok.  Every time I tried to either voice support or show it in some action, it would just seem to enrage her and cause her to lash out at me further. 

[Harley Quinn]

Is there a common theme to what she is saying?  Do you know what seems to be her trigger for this type of response to you?  Is she asking you to leave her alone/give her space/anything along these lines?

Hang in there.  There are ways to improve the communication between you, should she agree to the opportunity to connect with her.  Have you taken a look at the Tools (you can also find this on the main header menu at the top of the page)?  This is a good place to start.  Whilst you are thinking about your next move, you can be looking at these and beginning to see where improvements can be made.  When was your last attempt at reaching out to her and how was that left?

Keep talking to us with your personal specifics and other members will be able to jump in with their experiences to help you work through this too.

Love and light x

[Lostguy]

   She initially said she needed space, so I tried to give her a little bit but still wanted to check in on her and reassure her that I loved her and wanted to make sure she was doing alright.  We would always talk via text, but the conversation seemed to flow on her terms, and she could turn against me very unexpectedly.   I have tried to ask her if there is anything she needs, or if there is anything I can do for her, but that tended to send her into a rage, with her telling me she was "done".  She has told me the relationship was over and that I took her needing space as an opportunity to get our of the relationship, which is absurd.  Every time I try to check on her, it just serves as an opportunity for her to get angry and lash out at me, often telling me what an idiot I am, and how I don't really care about her.  She wants me to leave her alone, and has made communication virtually impossible, yet she still contacts me from time to time with just some random thought.  There doesn't seem to be a good balance here, I have never gotten angry back at her when she says the hurtful things she says, because I know that they aren't true.  This is not the girl I got to know, and fell in love with.
 

[pearlsw]

This is not the girl I got to know, and fell in love with. 

Hi Lostguy,

Looking back now was there always something about her that you recognize as perhaps being BPD? Or did these changes seem to occur only after the pregnancy.

Is there any plan for how to handle the many months of her pregnancy or what will come after that? Do you think you'll live together again?

The more you can tell us about the specific things she is saying the more we'll be able to chime in. I am sorry she is calling you and "idiot", that is not nice and not okay. When or why does she say this? (If you cut away the garbage part of it, what is the real issue?)

Do you know of her having any abuse in her background? Does she seem to get along with her family? Are they a source of support for her?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Lostguy]

  She always told me during our relationship that a time would come when she would push me away, and would at times become extremely jealous if something else was occupying my time.  Although she said she always knew she could trust me, she didn't seem to want to let me out of her sight.  When she got pregnant, her emotions seemed to intensify, and that is when the negative things began.  She has eluded to some abuse in the past and has had a history of bad relationships.  I helped her regain her self esteem, and build herself up.  She had a good relationship with her family until recently, and has also seemed to cut them out of her life.  Her behavior is confusing, and she contradicts herself in virtually every conversation we have.   Since she is not communicating about the pregnancy, I have no idea what will happen.  I have tried to be there and be supportive of the pregnancy, but it is unwelcomed.  She turns the focus of the conversation is turned away from the pregnancy, and puts it back on her and again uses it as an opportunity to lash out at me.   

[pearlsw]

Hi Lostguy,

When you say you thought we were committed to each other do you think there is another person in her life besides you or do you just mean that you thought you two would stay together? What do you know about her history of "bad relationships"?

Are you ever able to see her? Or does she have you blocked completely from her life?

I hear that it is hard to know what to do with so little information it seems.

Sometimes people push us away as a test to see if we will really stay or not, or if we will abandon them.  Sometimes people just won't let us love them.

Sorry this is so painful!

take care, pearl.

[Lostguy]

  Hi Pearl,
      I thought we would stay together.   She has told me of her history of bad past relationships and that she finally felt happy with me.  She had said that she wanted to have a child with me, but when it happened she seemed to change.  I understand that sometimes people push you away as a form of test, but considering that there is a baby involved, I don't think that is right.  Additionally, because there is a child involved, there has to be open lines of communication and it has to be cordial.  As it stands currently, my opinion or thoughts do not even matter in her eyes.  Everything is on her terms and at her discretion, and that is just not fair.  She turns every encounter into something about her, and disregards anything I may say.  Regardless of what I say or how I act, everything I do is wrong and I am 100% to blame for everything.  I am willing to admit my imperfections, but she has to be willing to allow me to do that, and to do that herself as well.  That being said, it is still not ok for someone to put you down and call you names, and then have no remorse for it afterwards.

[Turkish]

Lostguy,

This would throw anybody for a loop to say the least, BPD or not. My ex was desperate to get pregnant when we first met,  I surmised later as she was trying to by a previous bf but it didn't take.  Sometimes what we want turns out differently when our wishes are granted. 

She may feel scared and alone, and it may be shocking to be pregnant (reality) even if she desired that. 

I hear that you've been trying,  but are you up on the communication tools at the right of this board, or the tools summarized in Lesson 3 on the Bettering Board?

It sounds like you want to be there to support as a father and that's good. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Lostguy,

What's the situation at the moment?  You agreed she asked for space.  Is it possible she was annoyed with you for checking in because that went against her wishes?  Perhaps she is feeling frustrated and confused, and is reaching out for things but still wishes to have some space whilst she comes to terms with her feelings. 

If she is asking for space but is still contacting you then you could see that at a good sign.  She is not cutting all contact.  I'd advise you consider a trial of respecting her wish for space for an agreed length of time whilst letting her know that you are available whenever she needs you within that time.  Perhaps she will appreciate your listening to her needs and supporting her in that way. 

How long did you give her before checking in previously?  Maybe you could go for that length of time and add a day or two, so you're showing her you can compromise.  BPD or not, she is pregnant and is flooded with hormones.  Many women can become highly emotional when they go through such drastic changes (I did!) and it's important to let her know that you will be there for her, whilst not crowding her.

What do you think?  Is it worth a shot?  Have things changed since you last posted?

Love and light x