Last week she hit me for the first time

[raiano18]

I am new to this, and I have to talk to someone. My fiancé has BPD, and our relationship is out of control. We've been together for a year and a half. Our relationship started out PERFECT. We fell hard for each other early on. Now, we are engaged, living together and have an 8 week old baby. She started out being very jealous, with everyone. Guys, Girls, Best friends, Family Members, even her family. She would get mad at me and not talk to me for days and tell me to leave her alone, but when I did, she would get more mad, hurt herself, and blame me because I "didn't care" about her feelings. She constantly degrades me, puts me down, tries to control me and tries to control our babies life too. After he slowly taking all of my friends from me, she slowly started taking away family members, and is now trying to make me choose between her and my mom. She wont let my mom babysit, and she gets angry when I text her or talk to her on the phone. She threatens me and tells me she'll "kill me" if I take let her watch the baby behind her back. We have never gotten physical, but last week she hit me for the first time. She threatens to leave me and take our baby, tells me i'll never see them again... .all because I keep talking to MY MOM. She took all of my friends from me, but I refuse to let her take my family away. I love her so much, but I cant fight and argue anymore. I have to figure out what to do, I cant take anymore. Its only getting worse.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Hi raiano18,

Sounds difficult. We have many members who have been down this path. There are things you can do to slowly turn this in a better direction.

Jumping the the physical incident, can you tell us what happened. We it a fight? How did she react? How did you react?

 
     Welcome to bpdfamily

[raiano18]

We were arguing, because she said she was taking our baby and going back to her grandmas, which in the past I would've begged for her to stay, but this time I was like "ok... ." and that pissed her off even more. So she got in my face, said "___ you" and she hit me. I was in total shock, but in return I said "___ you too" and then she got up (didn't leave) but kept arguing.

[Skip]

From her perspective, why did she threaten to leave?

From your perspective, what was this all about?

[raiano18]

From her: I choose my mother over her, her feelings and everything. I also choose my mothers side (which is not true)

From me: It was all over the fact that she verbally attacked my mother and expected me to be ok with it. All I said was "Im not getting in the middle of it, again"

[Skip]

I take it this has been going on a while. If so, it will take some time and tenacity to reverse this cycle of conflict. It's not unusual for a pwBPD to be threatened by family and friends and its not unusual to sever relationships to resolve the threat.

In the long run, that doesn't work for them and it doesn't work for you, either (obviously). You want to find am answer were she is not living in anxiety and fear and you don't have to go into witness protection to hide from your beloved mother.

The transaction patterns (how you communicate) in your relationship are ingrained on both sides, and it will take a little work to find and ingrain a healthier pattern.

Make sense? It's not an answer, but it is a characterization of what lies ahead to resolve this. It's not a overnight fix. This is a series of discussion with members.

A good immediate take home would be how to avoid what happened when you got hit. You were both reliving a fight you have had many times and fueling each other to escalate. She has a lot of emotion and all this escalation actually makes her feel a little better. You are a emotional punching bag and she is acting like anyone who goes to the gym and hits a bag to relieve frustration. You freaking out makes her feel better.

You want to find a better way to sooth her than to be a punching bag. The best way is to get her to self-sooth, but that is something you workup to from where you are.

Is this making sense?

Obviously, it would be good to get an agreement from both you to not escalate, but if she has BPD, you would do better to model a "not escalating" style and she will slowly pick it up. 

[pearlsw]

Hi raiano18,

Skip is helping you a lot here, just wanted to share an example of avoiding escalation.

My SO said some pretty insulting things to me tonight. I could have dished it right back at him, JADED as we say, or upped it even, but instead I said one thing and left it at that.  I didn't keep fueling the fire. He made his point, he is "not happy with me". Got it. Okay. Point taken. I didn't try to argue to convince him I am right and he is wrong, or try change his mind. He said his piece. I said okay. With nothing to go on, his anger did not escalate and he walked away. Unfortunately, nothing is resolved, but at least I don't have more ugliness to deal with today.

Am I upset? Yes. Could I have done better at this conversation? Yes. But now I have some quiet time to think it over and see what to do next. I bought time.

It is such a fine line between letting someone use us a verbal or physical punching bag and just choosing not to make things worse.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[raiano18]

I have noticed the more reaction I give the more I fuel the fire. Which isn't what I want to do, but I get so angry sometimes. Especially when she tells me she "hates me" after I do EVERYTHING in the world for her. Also, it enrages me when she threatens me with our baby. It is also my baby. I have a say. No one has custody, but she makes it like I'm privileged that she lets me have my daughter. I'm the father. I have just as many rights as she does. It has gotten much much worse since the baby was born, and I'm terrified it'll only get worse. Honestly, if I knew I could have full custody of her, I would leave. Im at my breaking point! It hurts to feel that way, but I don't know how much more I can handle. I started counseling, and now she's mad about that. She questions me about my counselor (jealousy). Everything I do is "against her" in her eyes. Me going to get coffee before work, so I must be "cheating on her". I can't live a normal social life anymore, and its breaking me down. 

[Skip]

The more reaction I give the more I fuel the fire.
I get so angry sometimes. Especially when she tells me she "hates me".
It enrages me when she threatens me with our baby. It is also my baby.
I started counseling, and now she's mad about that. Everything I do is "against her

This stuff sucks.

It really helps to express our frustration, so that is good. Get it all written down and out there for you and us to see. You really can't start to make progress until you have taken inventory and realize fully, that this is an unhealthy place right now.

When you are ready, you can work on tools to calm down the tensions... .when you are ready. 

[raiano18]

How do you suggest I go about this. Should I tell her how I feel? Should I leave her? Should I talk to her about BPD? Should I keep living with this constant anxiety? I'm lost. That's why IM SO THANKFUL I found this website!

[once removed]

small, incremental changes can be a safe way to go about it... .

drastic change can be scary. it can feel like distance.

trying to solve everything in one day, so to speak, isnt possible.

but it will take a lot to get the relationship on a healthy trajectory. take it step by step.

have you spoken since the hitting incident? if youve had a big blow out before, who usually reaches out first.

[isilme]

 

Hello raiano18,


How do you suggest I go about this.

once removed said it pretty well - it's all baby steps. 

You pick like one thing from the lessons and tools you think you can try.  Get to where it feels natural to do instead of what your old feelings told you to do.  You slowly establish a new "normal" as you work on you.  Working on her is for her to do.  You work on you.  As you change, slowly, she will be forced to adapt to the new "normal".  If you stop reacting the same old way to her outbursts, she has to try new things to get her emotions out. 

One thing to try to do especially in cases where it's gotten physical, or even just really heated, is to remove yourself from being yelled at/hit.  This is far easier said than done, and not always possible.  But, you can't change her mind.  And you don't benefit from being a verbal or literal punching bag.  And it really does not resolve her feelings that well, or in a healthy way to allow it.  Since she is emotionally disabled and dysregulated, you are the one who has to take action to change things.  Find a way or a few methods ahead of time to get out.  Keep keys and phone where you can get them in a moment's notice.  Try not to get boxed in (my house is small, I get boxed in and can't leave easily).  And then, just go.  I tend to "remember" an errand, or need to go outside to do yard work, if I need to get out of the house.  Sometimes, I can just slip away and find a core that keeps me out of the room with H.  All in all, you set a boundary around yourself to protect you from abusive language and actions.  And to enforce that boundary, since you can't control her, you remove yourself.

Should I tell her how I feel?

I am finding that a LOT of BPD actions are about feeling their emotions are being disregarded, they are being told they are wrong in some way (often ways we can't even fathom - not laughing enough at a joke can be seen as invalidating), and they can't process blame, shame, or embarrassment.

You can tell her.  But she is likely not in a place to be able to listen the way you'd like.  she will likely hear little more than blame at this time.  You can set some boundaries, like "I will not accept being yelled at.  I will go for a walk and come back after you've had time to cool down."  I think for now you want to tone down the drama.  This is hard, as she isn't the one who realizes a change is needed, and you will be fighting to swim upstream for a bit.  The kind of heart to heart the movies show us don't really work especially not with BPD. 

I'd write my feelings on here.  It's a safer place, we will listen and you can get support and not a fight.

Should I leave her?

Only you can decide this.  This particular board is for improving, but everyone understands you're the one there, day by day.  If you feel it's too bad, and you fear for the child, then you can't hurt to make some "break in case of fire" plans.  Like, make some plans now, or at a calm period.  Just like you'd do if you lived in a hurricane zone (I do, so we have batteries, water and MREs on standby, even if it's a calm year).  Then if you need the plan, great, you can use it in a  period of stress.  And if you never need it, nothing lost except a little time and/or brain power.

Should I talk to her about BPD?

I ersonally say no.  I am finding that a LOT of BPD actions are about feeling their emotions are being disregarded, they are being told they are wrong in some way (often ways we can't even fathom - not laughing enough at a joke can be seen as invalidating), and they can't process blame, shame, or embarrassment. Telling a pwBPD that you think they HAVE BPD is like saying (in their mind) you are a messed up weirdo with a disease and everything is your fault and you suck and you need to be committed and I hate you.  Or some variation of that.  Telling them about it usually does NOT result in them seeking help.  It often puts them at odds with EVER getting help, especially when a relationship is in a volatile phase.  Back to baby steps.  Down the road, after you've found what tools work for you when talking about tough topics, like money or such, you can see how receptive she is to listening.  Carefully.   

Should I keep living with this constant anxiety?

No.  But I suspect a lot of this anxiety comes from the feeling YOU should be able to control HER emotions.  You can't.  You are allowed to let go of that feeling of responsibility.  I hate going home when I feel H is in a bad mood.  Hell, that was me yesterday.  But, I was able to post on here a few times, and it helped me.  And I got through it, to a somewhat better place today.

He and I were in a really bad patch 10 years out, then I found this site, and it's walked me through stopping making things worse, most of the time.  even as rough as he's been lately, it's not like he sued to be, shouting fights almost daily, totally irrational most of the time, a terrible period.  Things CAN improve, but it has to start with you being able to change you and then she kinda gets dragged along your path of improvement like she's tied on a bungee and as you climb, she gets pulled up. 


I just want you to know there is hope.  And we have felt similar things to you, and won't dismiss you. 

Are there any tools you think that can work for you?  Have you been able to go over much as far as lessons? 

[isilme]

Also, forgot to add, sorry - try NOT to focus on what she claims is the issue.  Sure, it might have upset her, but often there is a deeper core to the anger, rage, fears.  It's not your mom exactly.  Its the fear of another person who has emotional sway over you possibly talking you into abandoning her.  It's a kid of jealousy, but even if your mom was not a target, any other close friend or relative might be.  Or you work.  Whatever.  The rage needs a focus and a lens.  You are the lens, your mom the target, at times. 

JADEing seems to result when we try to explain away the cause of anger, but since it's really not the cause of the anger deep deep down , instead it could be a reminder of an embarrassment from 20 years ago by a TV commercial.

It sounds silly, but if you have cats, you may have seen this.  Anger/aggression transference I think it's called.  So, I have 3 cats.  They get along great.  One night, a strange cat was outside and freaked one of MY indoor cats out.  Who could not handle her anger/fear about the cat outside, and then transferred that anger and fear to the cat sitting right next to her, and attacked her for no reason I could see.  We expect humans to act more rationally than cats, but well, BPD can make that a problem. 

So, don't get too bogged down in the accusations.  Her truth is her feelings, and her feelings change day by day, hour by hour.  Something that made her mad last week may not matter at all this week.  Or vice versa.  It'd be like fighting quicksand. 

[Skip]

How do you suggest I go about this. Should I tell her how I feel? Should I leave her? Should I talk to her about BPD? Should I keep living with this constant anxiety? I'm lost. That's why IM SO THANKFUL I found this website!

Before you can make anything better... .you have to stop making it worse.

Watch this 2.5 minute video. It works. It's the first baby step.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[pearlsw]

Hi raiano18,

I am not so good with anger. I like to be in control and not go off on someone. I am certainly capable of it, but who wants to live like that, ya know? So on my drive to work today I let those thoughts just rip in my head. I said all kinds of rotten things I would never want to say and after that I felt much better. I knew I would not say those things, at least not in that form, but usually I don't even let myself think such thoughts, but not today. I was once macho little toughie in my head!

When I was younger I had a boyfriend who was great in some ways and pretty difficult in others. I was a little bit macho and would stand up to him (all 6'4' 220 lb's of him to my 5'5', let's not think about my weight... .ahahahaha. it's perfect. i never eat too many cookies! ) until I realized it was damaging my health, so I turned course and started a pretty serious meditation practice for quite a long time. I want to control my anger, not be controlled by it. I don't do it now, I should, but it honestly is still paying dividends until this day. It is a big deal to learn how to slow down your reaction times and be more at peace.

There is a lot you can do for yourself, no matter what your partner does or doesn't do, to make things a bit better.

with compassion, pearl.

[livednlearned]

raiano18, you doing ok?

You two must be pretty tired with an 8 going on 9-week old baby.

That certainly can't help make this easier for either of you.

Is there any time in the relationship when things kind of cool down for you two?

Or is it pretty much walking a tightrope the whole time.

How you respond to her may depend on how well rested you guys are right now, and whether there are tender cycles.

Hope you're hanging in there.

How's your baby doing? Congratulations are in order there 

[Radcliff]

livednlearned makes a good point.  When we had our first baby, she slept pretty well for the first month, but 8 weeks was the absolute worst.  We were absolutely strung out and exhausted.

Your pain at having access to your baby used as a control tool really hit home for me.  I have felt that pain, and wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  You're getting some fantastic advice here.  Stick with us and we can help build your strength and coping tools.

How have you been the last couple of days?

WW

[raiano18]

THANK YOU EVERYONE! Thank you so much to everyone who took time out to help me and talk to me. It really does help to be able to talk about things. Sadly, she checks my phone quite frequently because I’m “sneaky” so I only get on here when I’m at work. Monday-Friday. She is working today so I had some alone time to get on and read my replies. The baby is doing great! Thank you for asking. She’s 9 weeks (as of yesterday) the past couple of days have been like  roller coaster.half the day she’s in good spirits and the rest she’s manic and I tend to lose hope of everything. Yesterday, she begged me to buy her a $400 Kate Spade purse, and like the great fiancé I am, I did. I also got her a wallet, bracelet, and necklace. No thank you no nothing. And then she treated me like I was a walking mat. And made me regret everything nice I did. It’s  so bad.

[Radcliff]

That had to have been hard to do those things for her and not be acknowledged!

When you have a minute, take a look at that video Skip linked above, and also take a look at this link on how to not “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Let us know if those two resources give you some ideas for how to keep things a bit calmer.  The help here is free, and many of us have been in your shoes, so we're here for you.  We are committed to helping you get to a better place.

WW

[raiano18]

I watched the SET video and I read about JADE. Sympathy, empathy & truth. I feel like it makes 100% sense to me, but I feel like it wouldn’t with her. If I said “I’m sorry” she’d say “you always say that but your actions prove differently” if I empathize and say “I know how that would make you feel” she’d say “then why do you continue to do it, you never put yourself in my shoes” and if I say “next time we should... .” she’d say “there shouldn’t be a next time”. She makes me out to be like a horrible person. I’ve “cheated, lied, and broke my promises” to her. It just feels like no matter how much good/right I do, I get kicked in the ass for it. I bendover backwards for her and she says what a horrible person I am. She is this way because “of the way i treat her”. I don’t consider her feelings, I cheat on her, I stick up for others. It’s  all wrong. If she only knew the arguments I’ve been in with people over her, and if I tell her that “I’m lying”. We’ve been working on our relationship, but all of a sudden within the past 24 hours it’s like she’s  different person. She doesn’t want to kiss me, hug me or say “I love you”. Everything changes in a blink of an eye. She’s Been giving me the silent treatment and when I speak to her, she’s answers with such a harsh tone that I don’t even want to speak to her, and that’s hurts me.

[Radcliff]

One of the most terrifically difficult things about being in a relationship with someone who has very pronounced BPD behaviors is trying to maintain your bearings.  It seems like down is up and up is down sometimes.  In a healthy relationship, we can rely on the other person as a reality check.  Each person in the couple helps to negotiate a common sense of reality.  This does not work in a BPD relationship.  Her reality will be persistently different from yours.  You're going to need help maintaining your own sense of reality.  Part of this will be your inner values and strength.  But you'll need external references.  We can help with that.  It will also be good if you can develop a couple of in-person sources of support who can keep you grounded in reality (though you'll have to pick carefully as some folks will have overly simplistic advice or advice that doesn't ring true with how you want to handle the situation).

OK, so this is going to be a bumpy ride.  She's not going to all of a sudden agree with you or thank you for fixing everything.  You'll know your efforts are being successful if you start to see some reduction in the drama level.  If you realize points in time where you would have made things worse, but with new skills have been able to avoid digging the hole deeper.

Let me say again, I totally understand living with someone who has an answer for everything that makes it appear as if it is all your fault.  It can be crazy making.

One of the tricks is to look past the "nasty package" that her feedback comes in and look for the grain of truth -- what is her primary emotion?  The problem is not the problem.  It's not what she's talking about, she likely is often upset by things she can't articulate.  Does that make sense?

WW

[isilme]

One of the tricks is to look past the "nasty package" that her feedback comes in and look for the grain of truth -- what is her primary emotion?  The problem is not the problem.  It's not what she's talking about, she likely is often upset by things she can't articulate.  Does that make sense?

Last week, I got yelled at for asking him what he wants to eat for dinner.  He decided to go off, and waste energy on a 15-minute tirade about how it' a waste of time since he's not cooking, I should just pick and stop bother him etc.

Was he REALLY upset about being asked a polite question "What would you like?"

I don't think so.  Knowing him as well as I do, he was really upset over:

-Gaining weight from comfort eating
-This drove up his A1C a bit
-Depression
-Missing work due to physical ailments and yes depression
-The fact I had to hire a guy to mo for us - emphasizes that he does no year work and I was too ill to do it.  Embarrassed him, made him feel emasculated. 
-The fact I had friends offering to drive me to my MRI - emphasizes that he does not drive (he can) or know his way around, and chooses not to learn his way around.  Made him feel like I see him as unreliable.  (Well, if I cant rely on him to get me to a doctor in the event I cant/should not drive and cannot navigate for him, he's not.)
-The fact he knows and cannot hide that I do all housework, all cooking, all errands plus work the same 40 hours he does

Instead of seeing he can actually DO something about several, if not all, of the items above, he simmers, keeps it in, and then when the teapot is full lashes out.

You see, I kinda think inside, they feel pretty horrible.  Just think how it must feel to see everything int he world as negative, and the person closest to you as out to hurt you.  (You KNOW how this feels - she is trying to force her feelings onto you and blame you for them).

To process how bad they feel, I really think a pwBPD likes to make YOU feel as bad as they do.  I think for them, there is no greater validation for bad feelings than forcing you to feel bad, too, even if it means irrational revisionist history, mental gymnastics, etc.

You need to find ways to remain grounded, to not let her feeling-based version of reality warp or become yours.  That's one good thing about posting in here, - it is a "safe" journal of sorts as well as a community for support.

I also usually only come here at work - it's the safest for me.

[walkinthepark247]

Raiano18, welcome. Obviously, I’m sure you wish you didn’t have to be here. But, you are. I have been on the BPD awareness train for about a year now. I always knew something wasn’t right (horribly wrong), but it all came to a head last summer. That is when the violence really escalated from my wife. It is also when I heard the BPD acronym for the first time. So, I am right there with you and wish you much peace.

Whether you love her or not, you have recognized that you cannot go on like this any longer. You also have this lovely child you must care for and protect. Also, do not discount your relationship with your family. You need it and there is nothing to be ashamed of to keep that relationship intact.

Purely speaking from my experience, once this violence rears its ugly head, it only escalates from there. Here is what I did after talking with a therapist and others on this site:

-   Get some sort of recording device ready. You need to be able to collect evidence if / when she flies off the handle (which you probably recognize will happen). For me, it was downloading one of those recording apps to my phone and having the button available on the start-up screen.
-   Also, start journaling all the bizarre and violent behavior. This will be good on numerous grounds for you. You might need it for your safety and protection. At the same time, it is helpful to look back on what has occurred even if you are able to reconcile. Even if you are the only one viewing it, it helps to get this out and documented.
-   Have your mother or other family members witnessed bizarre / irrational behavior? If so, discretely ask them if they wouldn’t mind keeping a log as well. This isn’t even something you have to ever see or actively discuss.
-   If you have not already done so, speak with an attorney. Understand what might have to occur should you need to quickly extricate yourself from the situation. If you do have to quickly leave, do you intend to take your child with you? That is also something you need to work out.
-   You might even consider calling some of the domestic violence hotlines.
-   Have a plan ready if you ever have to quickly leave.

While I do not know your wife, there are many, many men here who have seen the rage and violence you may be experiencing. When my wife was in her worst fits of rage, I could see it in her eyes. It was like nothing I have ever seen before. Her eyes went dark. Thankfully, the fits of rage seem to have subsided – at least for now. But, as a word of warning, I am always concerned and frightened that the rage and violence could easily return. I point out the “man experiencing violence” issue because there was one marriage counselor (mistake) we went to early on that seemed to discount my story. It’s okay to be a man and also know that violence is wrong. You should not have to “take it”. I will unabashedly say that there is NEVER an excuse for perpetrating violence in the home.

No one here is going to be able to answer “should I leave her/him”. That’s entirely your choice and decision. Only you can make that final call. I would also be cautious of anyone who can quickly answer that question; especially given the rather limited amount of information we have.

[Skip]

If I said “I’m sorry”... .
... .she’d say “you always say that but your actions prove differently”

if I empathize and say “I know how that would make you feel” ... .
... .she’d say “then why do you continue to do it, you never put yourself in my shoes”

if I say “next time we should... .
... .” she’d say “there shouldn’t be a next time”.

Does this explain why you feel this way?

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

This is the terminal stage in a relationship... .it takes a real effort to break through this... .but to survive you must.

[livednlearned]

One thing about SET and validation -- you have to feel empathy for it to work.

People are very good at detecting intention. People with BPD are exceptional at it. I notice my BPD loved is very astute and often inaccurate about emotions I'm having.

If you are low on empathy for your wife (which wouldn't be surprising), then validation and SET can come across as flat. She's listening to emotions. The words are just containers for emotion.

Plus, it takes some vulnerability to have empathy and that's risky -- you were just attacked.

Try to instead have empathy for yourself right now. You need to come first.

She's giving you the silent treatment right now, and that's excruciating after you did a whole bunch of things to make her happy. For no reason, she isn't saying a word. No kiss, no hug, nothing.

See if you can find compassion for what you're going through. Just you, never mind about what she's doing. The silent treatment can be a terrible place to be when you need something from her, so use it instead to be an opportunity to give something to yourself.

You have to remember what it feels like to feel good and then start doing the stuff that feels that way. You don't need to announce it to her, or ask her permission. Just start finding your way back to yourself. It can be as subtle as a thought.

You deserve to feel respected and loved and treated well. What is something you can do for yourself that makes you feel worthy?

For me, it was stuff like choosing to hang out with a bunch of puppies, to remind myself what it felt like being happy. 

You probably have some things like that, and it might take some effort to remember, or create new ones.

[raiano18]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I wish I had more time to spend on here, so I could reply to each and everyone of you. Sadly, it's getting worse. Yesterday she went manic, called me every name in the book, told me I made her want to kill herself, told me she hopes I rot in hell. Why? I have no clue. Nothing happened. She just went off. She also said she was going to stay with her grandma. So, instead of putting up a fight, after I was broken down... .once again... .I said "ok" and she left. Well, less than 3 hours later, she came back. Now today, we discussed going to counseling, and all of her stuff she took yesterday is back in its original spot. Im losing my mind here.

[walkinthepark247]

raiano18, have you thought about just simply going to counseling yourself? You might find that far more beneficial than any type of couples counseling today. From what you say, your SO is disregulating (sp?) horribly. Couples counseling is largely for two people who are on a similar (or, remotely similar) emotional footing. Your SO doesn't sound like she is there.

As many on this site will tell you, couples counseling can be a complete waste of time for those in with a BPD SO. Also, certainly don't go into couples counseling thinking that your SO will somehow see the light. It's extremely unlikely that the counseling will go that way. Right now, you need to focus on yourself and your responses.

Also, the "i'm leaving" over and over is a favorite tactic of the pwBPD. You really have to learn to become desensitized to it. My wife used to always proclaim "I'm leaving" or "I'm getting a divorce, I mean it." Before learning more about BPD, I used to beg her to change her mind. But, I really flipped it on its head with the help of a trained therapist (for me, not couples). I began to just dispassionately say "I'm sorry to hear that.". Once, she made a big deal about "where are my suitcases? I'm packing to leave you right now." Of course, she knew darn well where the suitcases were. So, I simply responded "have you tried the upstairs closet. I think they are in there." At the end of the day, the pwBPD has to learn to be responsible for their own actions.

[Skip]

I wish I had more time to spend on here, so I could reply to each and everyone of you.

Support is really helpful, raiano18. many people came here exactly as you and are in a better place now.

I'm all for marriage counseling. It's important to know, however, that more than 50% of it fails. Members here can coach you on how to avoid the mistakes the crash it.

We're here when you want the help.  

[walkinthepark247]

Threats of suicide to gain an upper hand in a relationship are very much an abusive tactic. So is the silent treatment. Also, you have been physically hit.

Excellent article from the National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

Why We Don’t Recommend Couples Counseling for Abusive Relationships

"In order for couples counseling to be successful, both partners must be willing to take responsibility for their actions and make adjustments to their behavior. Abusive people want all of the power and control in the relationship and will focus on maintaining that imbalance, even if it means continuing unhealthy and hurtful behavior patterns. Many callers to the Hotline have related stories of trying and “failing” at couples counseling because of an abusive partner’s focus on manipulating the sessions to place blame, minimize the abuse, and attempt to win over the therapist to their side. If the therapist tries to hold the abusive partner accountable for these tactics, they will often refuse to attend further sessions and may even forbid their partner to see the “biased” therapist again. The abusive partner may even choose to escalate the abuse because they feel their power and control was threatened."

[walkinthepark247]

From that Hotline article I just posted: "Additionally, a therapist may not be aware that abuse is present and inadvertently encourage the abuse to continue or escalate."

This was exactly my experience. This is why personal counseling is such a good idea for you right now.