Last week she hit me for the first time

[raiano18]

I am going to counseling alone as well. Last week was my first session, and I go again today. She was jealous of my counselor (that is 20 years older than me, married with a family) and today she tried to get me to cancel my appointment and reschedule on a day she could go. After everything that happened yesterday (much much more than I put into words), I went to the bank and took out most of our money, because im scared she'll spend it all, or take it out and keep if I leave her. So, she flipped out on me and told how how rude and arrogant I have been towards her and how I've been on a power trip lately. I simply replied with "Im sorry" and she never replied. I feel like im drowning.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

I went to the bank and took out most of our money, because im scared she'll spend it all, or take it out and keep if I leave her. So, she flipped out on me and told how how rude and arrogant I have been towards her and how I've been on a power trip lately. I simply replied with "Im sorry" and she never replied.

That is typically what one does right before filing for divorce. 

[raiano18]

What? Take the money out of the bank? I told her I did it because I have to pay $170 today and the rest for our rent. Now shes irate and I wish I would've just never done it. Even though I feel like it was the best choice.

[Skip]

I'm sorry, I though you took the family savings... .I misread that.

[raiano18]

Its ok! No problem. I took out $300 total. $110 for a bill and $60 for something else, and the rest for rent. She flipped out though saying I didn't allow her to have MY money, and I've changed so much. Im doing it to protect myself, because yesterday she was leaving me. The bank account is in her name. If she wanted to she could take all of the money and keep it for herself.

[isilme]

She is just an open sore and looking for any excuse to lash out. 

I'm sorry if I missed it, but was there an initial trigger t this string of days?  Was the onset of the rages and insults sudden, or did it creep up on you till you are in fight or flight most of the time? 

[raiano18]

Last week went better than usual, but it crept up on me, very slowly. This past weekend she was miserable and because I didn’t care (which I did) she lashed out at me. If I ask what’s wrong it starts a fight, if I ignore it it starts a fight. It’s a never ending battle

[Radcliff]

Switching gears a little bit, how do the two of you balance child care responsibilities?  :)o you both work?  

You said she is possessive of the baby.  Are you able to participate with baby care tasks, like feeding, changing diapers, putting to sleep, etc.?

WW

[raiano18]

We both work. We both feed, change, bathe and dress the baby. Last night she was being posessive, she took the baby shopping all day while I was at work and wouldn’t let me hold her when she got home. But she tells me I’m on a power trip.

[Radcliff]

That's fantastic that you're able to be that involved in child care.  Do everything you can, but as you know, don't get in a struggle with her, or she'll get more protective.  Some members have even more interference with their parenting, so the fact that you're able to be involved is a great thing for your baby and you.  Also, the fact that you're stepping up and contributing to the care of a small baby is excellent 

Did you have a chance to read the link that Skip provided above on the fourth stage of relationship breakdown?  When someone is coming at you with accusations and insults, it is super easy to find yourself stonewalling.  It's a form of self protection that comes naturally.  It helped me to understand that the hurtful speech was a product of the illness -- that made it feel less personal.

Have you set a wedding date yet, or is the engagement open-ended?

WW

[raiano18]

I have not had a chance, hopefully sometime today i'll have time. Like I said before, I only can be on here at work or at home when she is working. We don't have a date officially set, sometime next summer. My family is (sadly) hoping I don't stay with her. Which I understand, and they support me with whatever decision I make.

[isilme]

Families can be like that - they want to help, and see the ending of the relationship as the easiest solution and best outcome as it will remove her from your life... .BUT, you have a child together, and so no, even if you two split, she will always be a part of your life as long as you have contact with your child.  People like neat, tidy solutions that aren't messy, and don't involve recurrent drama.  So, the advice and hope that you will leave her is just going to be there. 

So - there's that. 

Also, families and friends can't really fathom how we can stay - they don't see the GOOD days, the times we connect, the parts that make leaving hard.  Dr. Banner is in there, somewhere, even when the Hulk has come out to smash.  And if you love one, the other is part of the package.  The goal is to make the Hulk come out less and less, and stay out for shorter times. 

Is the fact there is no date set any sort of trigger?  Like she's more afraid you will abandon her? 

[raiano18]

My family just wants me to be happy. When I explain to them how there ARE good times, they still don't encourage me to stay, but I also remind them that they HAVE NO CLUE what im going through. My parents have been together since 2 years before I was born. They never had another partner before that either. They don't have the best marriage, but they both work, have 3 kids together, and make life happy and good for each other. They know what im going through (not my emotions) but they have no idea how I feel. No one does (in my opinion) unless they're or have been in a BPD relationship, or some other type of psychologically/physically abusive relationship. My aunt was in a very similar situation with a man for 10 years, had 2 kids together, he took her family, friends, and everything from her, even moved her to another stae. After 10 years, she took the kids, divorced him and went back home. She knows how I feel, she understand why I don't just leave, especially being a parent. I don't think not having a specific date is a trigger for her. She has never mentioned anything about it, but no matter how much she "hates me" or "is leaving me" she ALWAYS tells people "next summer". DOES SHE FEEL REGRET? That's one thing that boggles my mind. The other day she hated me, she was leaving me, she hoped I burned in hell, but then yesterday was upset because I didn't think she was coming to my family picnic for the 4th of July. WHY WOULD I WANT HER TO?

[Radcliff]

When you opened this thread a week or so ago, it felt like things were only getting worse.  Does it still feel that way?  What's weighing most heavily on you now?

WW

[raiano18]

Since Wednesday things have improved. She hasn’t lashed out, we’ve been getting along like we used to, having fun and laughing, but I know this is too good to be true. Seems like every weekend something happens. Right now I’m mostly bothered by the things she said to me last Monday/Tuesday. Really hurt me and the feeling won’t ever go away, but then she flips it and says it’s my fault.

[Radcliff]

Since Wednesday things have improved. She hasn’t lashed out, we’ve been getting along like we used to, having fun and laughing, but I know this is too good to be true. Seems like every weekend something happens. Right now I’m mostly bothered by the things she said to me last Monday/Tuesday. Really hurt me and the feeling won’t ever go away, but then she flips it and says it’s my fault.

Yes, the good times you are having now are real.  Enjoy them.  And yes, there will be another down cycle.  Your goal is not to save tranquility at all costs, just to do 100% of your 50% (plus extra out of goodwill, but you can't own total responsibility).

There's a huge temptation to just enjoy the calm times and forget about all the bad stuff, but remember, the calm times are the time to make progress.  That's when you study the tools, that's when you invest in goodwill between you, that's when you may occasionally have opportunities with her to discuss improving the relationship.

So, get ready for the next relationship challenge, and try to pick up a tool or two.  Are there certain topics or situations that most often send you two into a down cycle?  Or a recent incident that started a down cycle that you'd like to know how to handle better?

WW

[raiano18]

The main issue going on right now is that she HATES my mother. My mom hasn't done anything, but she is totally 100% against her and wants me to choose between the two of them, and I refuse to. It makes her angry that I don't choose her, but I have no reason to! So, that sets her off easily. I try to not speak about my mother around her, and only see her when my fiancé is busy or not home. She also wont let my mother watch our 2 month old baby (for unknown reasons) and that makes me mad and hurts my mom.

[Skip]

What does she say is the reason she is upset with your mom?

[isilme]

Since Wednesday things have improved

Just going to toss out my hypothesis and ask if you can be mindful of seeing if it's close.

She was freaking out on you in this recent escalation because she anticipated spending the 4th with your family, and with a person, she sees (IMO) as competition and as someone she has painted black - you mom.  Since she lacks the emotional skills to communicate that your mom makes her feel like less (not your mom's fault - it just seems pretty common for BPD women to especially feel insecure about their mothers in law), she acted out instead, causing a lot of drama and upset to make you feel as distraught as she feels when she thinks of your mom, and to try to force you do disown your mom for her own comfort.  I think at least one other fairly current poster has made similar comments about "pick your mother or me" sentiments.  Your mom is the most important woman next to her.  BPD makes her fear you will abandon her.  She will target your mom as the cause of any ideas or reasons to abandon her because she can't take responsibility for her own actions being a cause. 

Anyway - from now on, try to look for things that trigger her, like any upcoming birthdays or other events where your mom may join you, or she may feel on display for your family (read that as "judged".  Again, this is not saying anything about your family themselves, but your SO's perception OF your family. 

Reality - she treats you like a pwBPD treats people.  So you family says it may be good to leave her

Her reality - your family hates her and just tells you to leave her because they are mean and don't like her for no reason at all, and therefore she has to act out on you to make you change and drop them in favor of her. 

I find that knowing that H WILL get close to dysregulation before events, before family birthdays and holidays or any other gatherings, be it a high school reunion, even though it's his OWN family (mine is out of the picture), helps me try to be on my toes and not on eggshells - I don't think that statement is totally impossible. 

[raiano18]

Thank you for that! You clarified everything I was thinking. We are going to couples counseling today... .im a little nervous. I don't plan on bringing up BPD, but Im so scared shes going to flip everything and make ME look like thr problem of our entire relationship. Things that she has said that stuck in my head are "You made me feel like trash for the past 2 months" "You made me want to wreck my car yesterday" "I hope you burn in hell" "I hate you" "You're the reason im depressed". So many outrageous statements that boggled my mind. I have done everything to make her happy, especially during her pregnancy, but somehow I made her feel "like trash".

[once removed]

Thank you for that! You clarified everything I was thinking. We are going to couples counseling today... .im a little nervous. I don't plan on bringing up BPD, but Im so scared shes going to flip everything and make ME look like thr problem of our entire relationship.

this may well happen. anticipate it. when a couple enters counseling, it is often with the motivation to vent, to get the counselor to see their side (if not join it), and to fix the other person. a good counselor expects and anticipates this as well.

if it happens, try to listen rather than react, JADE, defend yourself, because those will escalate the conflict. sometimes we all have to vent a bit before we are ready to problem solve or to look inward at what we are responsible for. play the long game. agreeing to get counseling is a positive step/development.

try to let the counselor mediate this if it happens. if the counselor asks for your perspective, thats your turn. be honest. but try to avoid defending yourself too much, or getting the counselor to see that it is she with the problem... .otherwise youre likely to both emerge deeply frustrated.

[raiano18]

Im mainly scared shes going to convince the counselor that im the problem, and then it turn into a blow up. I plan to be honest. Its not even about my mom anymore (even though that is her biggest problem). My issue is the fact that I cant do anything right. I try my hardest to make her happy, but then im the reason for her depression. I know this is not actually true, because if it was, she would've left by now. Honestly, if it wasn't for me, she would have probably destroyed someone elses life and been left alone. I stuck by her through SO MUCH. The name calling, the accusations, the anxiety, the depression, the lies, and so much more. I made us work on it, but I've had enough. I know I've had enough when I look at her and feel nothing. I have no more fight left in me. Sadly, if she wants to leave... .im not stopping her. She left for 3 hours at the most, and after I didn't beg for her to come back, she was hurt that I didn't, and came back anyways. Im not the problem. I kind of wish I was the problem so I could FIX THIS.

[raiano18]

Oh, and last night after 2 weeks I was hoping to have sex, and she wouldn't, so I was a little upset (obviously) and she said "you cant get mad at anyone but yourself when you don't like a situation youre in if youre the one who walked yourself into it. If you cause your own problems, you face the consequences, you don't just don't continue to get what you want" So, now she wont have sex with me because I am the bad guy. Makes me laugh a little. It should be the other way around, but I am a guy 

[isilme]

I have done everything to make her happy, especially during her pregnancy, but somehow I made her feel "like trash

You don't make her feel like trash.  SHE makes herself feel like trash and needs to blame you for it.

I'd not mention BPD, not in front of her at least.  Some therapists can be a lot of help but aren't experts in it.  Is there any chance you might be able to swing both of you having a few moments to talk in private, at the beginning or end?   I think this might be more beneficial to you at least, to give you a free space (like here) to talk things out. 

And yes, listen.  Try to avoid JADEing or invalidating. 

[raiano18]

The place we are going is the same place I've been going to for therapy alone. It is a different therapist though. My therapist told me she could talk to the couples counselor about some of my issues, but I don't know if she has yet. She will just turn me into the bad guy, as always. I cant already foresee tonight as being a bad night, unless we don't get into too much today.

[livednlearned]

How did things go last night?

[raiano18]

We went to counseling and didn't talk too much about our problems. More about our relationship, from the beginning. He asked what caused us to go and her reply was "his mom" and I said "theres a lot more to it... ". We had a great day yesterday, and the last night she all of a sudden stopped talking to me, wouldn't tell me what was wrong, or what I did, but went completely silent. Still have no idea what happened.

[livednlearned]

last night she all of a sudden stopped talking to me, wouldn't tell me what was wrong, or what I did, but went completely silent. Still have no idea what happened.

How did you respond when she went silent?

[raiano18]

I tried talking to her and asked what was wrong, multiple times. She now just text me and said I followed some girl on twitter (who is my cousin) and wants to know why I followed her... .

[livednlearned]

Can you see it for what it is? It's about her feelings. She feels insecure, and is able to find facts (not facts) to back up those feelings.

Often, the feelings were there first. The "action" or whatever you did presented an opportunity to land the feelings somewhere "out there." She has a hard time recognizing that the feelings are coming from her.

Did you text back a response?