I want to end my life.

[BeagleGirl]

Shedd,
I hope that you are starting to feel better.  As many have said, the world is a less beautiful place without you.  You deserve the same love and care you give to others and we all hope that you will hold on long enough to receive it.

I remember counting down the days until my anti-depressant was supposed to kick in.  I will say that there wasn't a magical moment when I "felt better", but one day I realized that the pain was still there but was bearable.  While I hope your depression will lift as the meds kick in, I think it might be good to temper your expectations and realize that, for many, anti-depressants serve the purpose of getting you to a place where you can START the work of dealing with your depression.  I was able to go off my anti-depressant a little over a year ago, but I had lots of "dark days" after that as I continued to wrestle with the things that were the root of my depression.  I never got back to the point of wanting to stop living (I would have gone back on if I had), but I still shed lots of tears and experienced loneliness that I thought would never end.

The thing I most want you to know is that my loneliness and sadness didn't end because I found someone to love me (though I have several amazing friends that DO love me).  I have gotten to a place where I no longer need my dBPDxh to love me back or even treat me well.  I've also gotten to a place where the idea of never again having a life companion and romantic love doesn't sound like a death sentence.  People would tell me that I could get to this place where I enjoyed being "alone" and feel like my life was full.  I thought it was very hypocritical for them to say that from their comfortable marriages and full lives.  My therapist believes I am built for relationship and will find one, but has wisely cautioned me over and over that I shouldn't consider dating until I know my own worth without needing anyone else (specifically potential romantic partners) to tell me what it is.  6 months ago I really felt like that would never happen and I would either never be able to date or only do so against her instructions.   

Very slowly, I have started to understand my own worth.  I have started to record over the "not enough" messages I received from my FOO and dBPDxh.  I have started to see the way that I bring light and beauty to those around me just by being who I am, and that brings me joy even when it's not reciprocated.  I have started to realize that my heart is a treasure that should not be squandered on anyone who might be careless with it.  I've also realized that I can give OF myself without giving UP myself.  I'm starting to get to the point where I know with my heart as well as my mind that rejection and neglect by those I extend love and care to speaks to who they are, not to who I am.

Our circumstances may be different, but I believe that has little relevance to the fact that I have stood in the midst of a thunderstorm praying that God would do what I couldn't (because of my kids) and take my life.  I have felt empty because I had poured myself out for others and had no love in return.  I have felt unlovable because those who should have loved me didn't.  I have worthless because nobody seemed to want what I had to offer. 

It's been a journey, but I'm no longer in that place.  I can still feel the pain of those memories, but they do feel solidly in the past.  I would love to walk along side you as you take the journey from where you are and smooth over any rough patches I can help you anticipate, but at the very least I can shine a beacon that says "It won't always be like this".

BeagleGirl

[steelwork]

I can't think of anything to add to what BeagleGirl has written, Shedd.

Well... .

Know that you have a net under you--whether that turns out to be antidepressants or therapeutic support or the arms we here are holding out for you or the love and understanding (even partial understanding) of one good friend.

In another thread, Skip asked some questions about what we'd learned in the process of recovery (still ongoing for me and others here). I should have said this: I learned that I am never really alone. If you ask for help, you will be surprised by how willing some people will be to offer it.

xo xo steelwork

[1stTimer]

I text her because I really do care about her, but she will never see me she will always see me as a monster.  Even though no matter what she did I thought the world of her. Always patient.  Never getting mad at her or standing up for myself when I needed to because I didn't know how. 

I'm tired of being a good person, but I don't know how else to be.

I suffer because she gets to walk away like I never mattered and be happy with someone new.  She is still friends with all her exes except me.

Shedd I can identify with this one totally. A few years back I found this amazing "once in a lifetime" (felt that way at the time, time will tell) love. Instant. The girl thought I was the most amazing man/bf/person ever. I was the first bf to treat her dreams and hopes as important and gave her a place to feel safe/loved for the first time (she said).

Fast-fwd she had some horrid geeky male incels secretly in love with her who hated that she loved me and they conspired to make it look like I'd done something in my past I had not, which would have if true made everything I told about her a lie. We had a horrible break-up where they basically ambushed me with 'the evidence' and she sat there and let them do it.

What caused me no end of pain (and still does to some degree today) isn't just that we ended; it is that there was and is no hope of ever reconnecting as friends, saying hi, or that she'll ever have a kind thought about me again. This girl who thought I was 'the best thing ever'.

I get how that hurts more than 'just' loss. Especially when you have given fully of yourself.

I get how it makes you NOT want to give and not give love and maybe even hate yourself a little for doing so. Do NOT. Give MORE. Give more to youself and MORE to new people you meet.  People can take things from you, the can take themselves away from you. Do not let them take YOU from you. Be more of you than you ever were. Whether you need to tap into your grief of your fury or just your love find that thing to power you past this and do not  let them/her win.

Don't say with the next person "I'm not giving because people take" give MORE. Expect nothing in return except being true to yourself, that in itself is a gift and the RIGHT people will be drawn to and cherish it.

That whole 'dance like no one is looking love like you've never been hurt' is trite as hell but it is an IMMENSELY powerful way to move on in life, not let people take YOU from you and not let people take YOU from OTHER people who are waiting for you in the future whom you deserve and who deserve YOU.

[ILuvABorderline]

All the love you have will find the right place to shine one day. Don't give up. As long as you can open your eyes, there is hope. I know how hard it is to have someone you deeply care about view you as someone you absolutely don't believe yourself to be. I know that after someone you love has emotionally torn you up and abused you repeatedly it is all too easy to believe the words they say, to believe that you are who they say you are. It is simply not true. As much as it hurts, you need to cut off contact with this person. Contacting her again is only offering yourself up for her abuse. You are not married. You have no obligation to her. You can walk away now and be free. You can seek counseling and have a firm foundation of who you are before ever having to face her or a person like her again. There is someone out there waiting to be loved by you. Please don't take a wonderful future away from them or yourself. This may sound cliche, but she's not worth it. Let her go. Free yourself of concern over what other people think of you. You will be happier for it in the long run.

[Harley Quinn]

Shedd, how are you doing today?   

Love and light x 

[Shedd]

So... .*smiles sheepishly.* hi... .

You all witnessed my lowest point in my life... .uhm.  I feel really bad about that to make you worry and all.  

... .I think the meds have kicked in... .

I feel like a brand new person.  

I still have my low days of doing nothing and being alone... .but... .

Something has changed in me.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's a gift from the universe a new beginning? This harrassment charge made me realize we're done.  And she will never be coming back! Yay!

Can you tell I'm excited and happy again. What is with me?

Meds. 100% work so if you're doubting... .They help!

[Shedd]

Thank you for the amount of love and support. Wow. I feel like I can really say how I feel and not be sent to a mental instatution. That really helps! Sometimes I feel so low like that and just need to let it all out.

This medication works wonders. I love you all so much if you ever need something someone to talk to please reach out to me. I would love that.

[gotbushels]

I still have my low days of doing nothing and being alone... .but... .

Many of us have these days of feeling alone Shedd. So you're so not alone on that one!   

Meds. 100% work so if you're doubting... .They help!

Many people have benefitted from accurately prescribed medication--and yes they do help a lot. 

Maybe it's a gift from the universe a new beginning?

Being lifted out of the doldrums can feel like a gift, and I know what that feels like. What are your plans for yourself from here? 

[MeandThee29]

I'm so glad for you.

I started on anti-anxiety medication at night some years ago for hot flashes at night, and it changed my life. It really smoothed things out.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Shedd,

It's so wonderful to hear that you have come out the other side of your crisis and are feeling so much better.  Yes your excitement leaps off the page!  There's nothing wrong with you.  You're human like the rest of us and we can all get knocked down.  Good on you for getting back up.  Bottle this feeling and if the dark days ever return, just remind yourself that you can get through and be back at this place of new possibilities. 

I'll echo gotbushels and ask what you are planning now to keep on this positive track?  What support do you have to help you work through the tough times and prevent things from getting serious?  Do you have a crisis plan in case you find yourself nearing the same frame of mind in the future?  Would you recognise the warning signs?

Love and light x

[Shawnlam]

So... .*smiles sheepishly.* hi... .

You all witnessed my lowest point in my life... .uhm.  I feel really bad about that to make you worry and all.  

... .I think the meds have kicked in... .

I feel like a brand new person.  

I still have my low days of doing nothing and being alone... .but... .

Something has changed in me.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's a gift from the universe a new beginning? This harrassment charge made me realize we're done.  And she will never be coming back! Yay!

Can you tell I'm excited and happy again. What is with me?

Meds. 100% work so if you're doubting... .They help!

I’m happy to see you back here and I’m happy you are feeling better i truely am! I hope your healing process continues along the lines it has already  and I hope you find the love you always wanted

[Shedd]

Awwww. You all are so sweet.  Thank you. <3

[Stjarna]

Shedd, I just wanted to express that I am happy the medications are helping you and that you seem back on track to a healthy life.  I am sure we have all had those low points where we thought the sun would never rise for us again. 

Please do not feel inhibited to express whatever is going on at any given time - it's how we all grow and find our way. 

I wish you a continued journey towards everything you've ever dreamed of!

[Shedd]

Thought I would check in!

 It's been a little over a month (I think) since I've been on medication.  I must say it's helping me cope with everything.  I think with my freak out about suicide, my medication wasn't kicked in yet. Work was overwhelming and so was trying to get over her.

I am also taking vitamin D and fish oil.   I feel like it's making a difference in my mood.  Those two combinations have really made me happy again.  

I feel like I am that much closer to having full closer and being able to move on.  I haven't thought about her in a month.  And work seems to be getting better too. I'm enjoying it more and I think it's because all the toxic people are out of my life in work and in my personal life too!

AHHHHHH! I'm starting to feel like myself again and it makes me so happy.

[Skip]

That sounds wonderful!

Some times we have to valley out before we start recovering - it's really great that you are on the upside of that valley now.

Are you free of urges to contact her - or controlling it?

[Shawnlam]

Great news I’m happy to hear you are feeling better .Time is a huge contributor to healing and it seems to be on your side .Nutrition helps so what you are doing seems to be working,keep up the great work.!

[SerendipityChild]

So glad to know things are going up for you=) I will try the vitamin D and fish oil and see how it works for me. I am currently medicating for my depression as well and I have my moments, too.
Isn't it great detoxifying after what we all have been through with our ex-BPDs?

[Shedd]

That sounds wonderful!

Some times we have to valley out before we start recovering - it's really great that you are on the upside of that valley now.

Are you free of urges to contact her - or controlling it?

No urges of cantactng her because of her restraining order threat, but I do have urges to create a new FB account to see her profile, but I’m not going to even do that because I feel better not knowing what she is doing.

[Shedd]

The only downside right now is I tacked on a bit of a drinking problem I am trying to get under control, but even that I’ve been doing good with lately so I’m proud of myself!

[Shedd]

So glad to know things are going up for you=) I will try the vitamin D and fish oil and see how it works for me. I am currently medicating for my depression as well and I have my moments, too.
Isn't it great detoxifying after what we all have been through with our ex-BPDs?

Yes, for sure. Taken a long road. I’m still not completely healed, but I feel like myself again and that’s what I’ve wanted!

Hope it works for ya!