Avoidance vs changing yourself

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When I went to therapy my therapist said "date someone for an entire year before getting too intertwined. Listen to them.  Their past.  Their stories.  Look for red flags. People can generally not "fake" things for an entire year, and you will see the true them before then.

The above I agree with completely.  I ignored so many red flags because this woman "loved me so much" etc.

Has anyone had a successful relationship with someone who has BPD, when the BPD HAS NOT actively received help or therapy?  Simply by changing how we talk to them. Validate them. Dance around them etc.

I notice 2 different concurrent themes on this board.  Tools to try and make it work with a BPD, while also being informed we picked this certain disordered person because we have problems ourselves.

And by successful relationship I mean having a full and rewarding life of your own as well. Not just having  to constantly put out fires, watch our words, live in fear, and have the BPD constantly soak up almost all of your time and energy?

In retrospect even if I somehow made it drag out longer, slowly my entire life became her problems and issues while everything in my life started to go down the drain.

[Husband321]

When I went to therapy my therapist said "date someone for an entire year before getting too intertwined. Listen to them.  Their past.  Their stories.  Look for red flags. People can generally not "fake" things for an entire year, and you will see the true them before then.

The above I agree with completely.  I ignored so many red flags because this woman "loved me so much" etc.

Has anyone had a successful relationship with someone who has BPD, when the BPD HAS NOT actively received help or therapy?  Simply by changing how we talk to them. Validate them. Dance around them etc.

I notice 2 different concurrent themes on this board.  Tools to try and make it work with a BPD, while also being informed we picked this certain disordered person because we have problems ourselves.

And by successful relationship I mean having a full and rewarding life of your own as well. Not just having  to constantly put out fires, watch our words, live in fear, and have the BPD constantly soak up almost all of your time and energy?

In retrospect even if I somehow made it drag out longer, slowly my entire life became her problems and issues while everything in my life started to go down the drain.

[Cromwell]

I cant see any of it being a "success" if you are forced into a position in a relationship to not truly be yourself and have to resort to psychological tools to proactively keep it continuing as smoothly as possible. If the intention is to use these tools as a temporary measure whilst at the same time, making in-roads to therapy and long term recovery, fair enough.

[once removed]

I notice 2 different concurrent themes on this board.  Tools to try and make it work with a BPD, while also being informed we picked this certain disordered person because we have problems ourselves.

i would put it a little differently

1. i dont think that anyone who is healthy and grounded gets into (and stays in) immature, unhealthy relationships with protracted conflict. people with BPD traits have inherently weak relationship skills. statistically, so do their romantic partners.

i dont know about you guys, but i wasnt some casanova who otherwise had great relationships. i went from one messy relationship to the next. i had a lot to learn. the guy i am today makes very different, healthier choices.

2. the tools work with everyone. they arent "BPD speak", the Bettering board doesnt breed "BPD tamers" . theyre empathy skills. relationship skills. people skills. skills for life, and for coping. i learned them long after my relationship ended, i use them all the time, and they have improved my relationships of all kinds, and my own emotional outlook and grounding.

[BeagleGirl]

I think I'm going to join the Avoidance AND Changing Yourself club. 

I have learned to give myself grace in regards to having "picked" a BPD the first go round.  I was 14 and he was my first boyfriend.  Did/Do I have my own problems?  YEP.  But it's really hard to know what a healthy relationship should look like when you're 14 when you meet, never date anyone else, and marry when you're 19.  I can look back now and see the BPD symptoms, maybe not when he was 15, but definitely by the time he was 18.  But by then we were engaged and I just KNEW love could overcome all. 

So now that I've left my marriage to my dBPDxh (after over 22 years married, 27 years together) I'm doing a lot of "changing myself".  I'm working to understand the unhealthy beliefs and behaviors that I contributed and learn new ways of thinking/acting.  I agree with once removed that the tools I started learning to "dance around" my dBPDxh are valuable in other relationships, and I hope to be much better equipped to build and maintain a healthy relationship with them in my tool belt. 

That said, I think one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I choose who I am in relationship with.  I don't need to grab on to the first guy who shows interest and hold on for dear life or be doomed to a life of loneliness.  And there are fates worse than a "life of loneliness".  In addition to "changing myself" I have been learning to value myself.  I am learning that I have a lot to offer and am worth the effort I will expect a man to put into a relationship with me.  I think that a healthy self-esteem is like garlic to those relationship vampires that I need to avoid. 

Oh, and I still think this is one of the most corny statements ever, but I'm enjoying "dating myself" right now.  With a bit of flirting on the side.  Turns out I am a pretty decent flirt. 

BG

[Skip]

I notice 2 different concurrent themes on this board.  Tools to try and make it work with a BPD, while also being informed we picked this certain disordered person because we have problems ourselves.

I might offer this... .

Being "informed" we picked this certain disordered person because we have problems ourselves.

Surveys have shown that 70% of the members on Learning/Detaching had a partner that had BPD traits (not clinical BPD). 50% of our members has traits of a personality or mood disorders - and 72% have depression.

It's something we all should consider, seriously. Do we have some not-so-healthy traits that are making life harder for us  than it needs to be. Self-awareness is hard - it is very hard to see ourselves - but it can be done in a support group.

And, if 50% have traits of a personality or mood disorders, 50% don't.  

I have had the opportunity to see a decent number of members 5-10 years out. A general observation that I have is that the members most threatened by these statistics are often the ones with the most obvious interpersonal skills issues. Why is the thought so troubling? If we have a broken collar bone, best to heal it, not deny it.

Tools to try and make it work with a BPD

These tools are basic emotional skills for relationships in general. Most of it ties back to Family Theory. These tools are taught to parents, couples, in management classes, in church mentoring programs, etc. This is basic human nature stuff that a lot of us are not very skilled. Emotional intelligence.

I wish I had learned them years ago. My relationships, in all areas, have improved. We have many members who have contacted us years after the fact espousing the value of these tools to their life in general.

As for ex-partner's of the members on this board... .they can't be used to unilaterally cure another person. But not all the conflict we had with our partners was one sided or BPD related. These tools are about cleaning up our side of the street. In many cases that is enough to get a troubled relationship on firmer footing. It some cases, it isn't enough.