So I DID send a final (?) e-mail

[EdR]

Hi there,

Recent events were and still are just a little too much for me. This was my thread about it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325428.50

I resisted the urge to send her something for quite a long time. Thanks to you guys as well. But last week I couldn't fight it anymore: I learned about new rumours again at work. Quite some time after the specific events and the final contact.

To me it felt like it would just never stop and I thought it was extremely hurtful. I did not want to call her out or hurt her. I did not want to trigger some sort of shame, but I sought a way to let her know this could all have been done differently.

I managed to write quite the concise and especially stoic message. 5 or 6 lines perhaps. I didn't even ask her anything... .just to make sure she couldn't say I was looking for a reaction.

Days went by, but she didn't reply. I sure hope she read it though... .I wanted to end things in a somewhat okayish way from my side, so I wished her the best. I didn't want to be like her.

Still too bad it ended like this though... .it still hurts.

[Harley Quinn]

How did you feel when you sent it and how would you say you're feeling since?  Glad you sent it?  Relief to have concluded the internal struggle?  Anxious about whether or not she will reply?  Bracing yourself?  Hopeful?

It's entirely up to you if you wish to share what you wrote or not.  The main thing is how you're doing and whether it has helped you.

Love and light x 

[EdR]

How did you feel when you sent it and how would you say you're feeling since?  Glad you sent it?  Relief to have concluded the internal struggle?  Anxious about whether or not she will reply?  Bracing yourself?  Hopeful?

It's entirely up to you if you wish to share what you wrote or not.  The main thing is how you're doing and whether it has helped you.

Love and light x  

Hi Harley!

I did not expect to get a reply, but I knew it was neutral/stoic enough to leave that possibility wide open. Especially because I chose not to follow her into this spiral of negativity... .
But the truth is... .I still felt very anxious after sending it.

At the same time I felt and feel relief that this 'internal struggle' is indeed over and I am quite happy that I didn't send this huge, emotional mail. I don't think I could have managed to keep it that concise and neutral just after her final unexpected blocking.

I am happy that I was able to wish her the best. Still not happy with everything that happened though... .

[Harley Quinn]

I'm glad you were able to fulfil your desire to wish her well.  Of course, sending this doesn't make everything go away but hopefully you can now rest knowing you've done what you can to put a stop to the continued smear campaign.  If you get no reply in the next day or so, are you able to prevent yourself from anticipating the possibility of one do you think?

What do you plan to do now?

Love and light x

[EdR]

I'm glad you were able to fulfil your desire to wish her well.  Of course, sending this doesn't make everything go away but hopefully you can now rest knowing you've done what you can to put a stop to the continued smear campaign.  If you get no reply in the next day or so, are you able to prevent yourself from anticipating the possibility of one do you think?

What do you plan to do now?

Love and light x

Yeah, I lost most of that anxiety 2 days after I sent that mail. She will not reply anymore... .

I do notice I am trying to 'explain' why she didn't reply. Excusing her behaviour over and over again. I am thinking about how she's feeling ashamed deep down. That she knows she didn't do the right thing and that's why she doesn't reply.

Of course my thoughts (=analysis) is based on her behaviour and conversations in the past. But to be honest: I just can't seem to accept the possibility that she might not even care at all?

[Shawnlam]

Yeah, I lost most of that anxiety 2 days after I sent that mail. She will not reply anymore... .

I do notice I am trying to 'explain' why she didn't reply. Excusing her behaviour over and over again. I am thinking about how she's feeling ashamed deep down. That she knows she didn't do the right thing and that's why she doesn't reply.

Of course my thoughts (=analysis) is based on her behaviour and conversations in the past. But to be honest: I just can't seem to accept the possibility that she might not even care at all?



I’m far from an expert but from my personal experience I believe they shut down in a certain way so they don’t have to care... .if that makes sense?  They prefer avoiding the entire subject or problem by having it no longer exist to them making closure very hard indeed or impossible.Being a normal functioning human being I feel your pain and understand exactly what you are going through when you don’t get those answers, those feelings from her, anything really .It makes us feel insignificant, makes us feel cheated and foolish in many ways .

I will say that these feelings will come in waves , some good days and some bad days .I won’t say time alone will fix everything but I can say if you work just on yourself,you will think of her less and less over time .There will be moments however where you think about her a lot, and that’s ok because you care still and that makes you a good person... .it’s ok

[EdR]

I understand what you mean Shawnlam, but I sure hope she somehow feels at least something about this... .

In a way... .I would even say that if you need to block someone on FB to be able to distance yourself (which is something I know assume for the sake of the argument... .in reality I don't have a clue) you probably DO feel at least something about the entire situation...

[Harley Quinn]

On balance EdR, are you glad that you sent the email?  Do you think you are second guessing her thoughts, feelings, reasons less than before sending/more/the same?  You still may never know the answers but you have tried to lay things to rest on better terms. 

As Shawnlam says above, I'd suggest you now take this time to allow yourself to turn your full attention and focus on yourself.  What can you do today to start that process?

Love and light x

[Shawnlam]

I understand what you mean Shawnlam, but I sure hope she somehow feels at least something about this... .

In a way... .I would even say that if you need to block someone on FB to be able to distance yourself (which is something I know assume for the sake of the argument... .in reality I don't have a clue) you probably DO feel at least something about the entire situation...

It’s because they feel too much that they need to do these things ,they can’t control such intense feelings ,so you are 100% correct.

[EdR]

Thanks Shawnlam, I sure hope you/we are indeed right.

@Harley: yes, I feel better and I am indeed glad I chose the high road. Very glad.

I don't really know what to do next. Continue living I guess    I went to some other churches in other nearby cities the last couple of Sundays. Just to try and see where I can meet new people. Will take some time though... .

[Harley Quinn]

That's a great move!  Well done!  Putting ourselves out there after being burned is tough and takes courage.  It will be time well spent if you find like minds and interests.  Any life long dreams untouched?  What doors could you open for yourself?  All parts of our lives that fall away naturally create space for the new.  When we are ready.

Love and light x

[EdR]

I don't really want to do a lot more at the moment.

A lot of the 'things I'd like to do' will get me back in her vicinity. So that's not really a great idea right now.

On top of that I think I need some time to truly 'grief' (that word is probably a little too strong) about this all. I think it is still so extremely weird... .I will need more time to somehow accept it and really move on. My guess is that allowing myself to actually feel all those emotions will benefit me more in the long run than just trying to 'run away' from those feelings.

[Shawnlam]

I don't really want to do a lot more at the moment.

A lot of the 'things I'd like to do' will get me back in her vicinity. So that's not really a great idea right now.

On top of that I think I need some time to truly 'grief' (that word is probably a little too strong) about this all. I think it is still so extremely weird... .I will need more time to somehow accept it and really move on. My guess is that allowing myself to actually feel all those emotions will benefit me more in the long run than just trying to 'run away' from those feelings.

At the beginning I dwelled on it a lot to and contemplated a lot on what  happened Etc , it made things worse.I started to work out and do solo stuff for me before getting back into going out with friends and stuff.It will take sometime but keep posting here it will help in those down moments