Lack of emotional intimacy: how do we get an intimate bond again?

[Bright_80]

I'm a wife of BPD husband. Married 10 years. We have significant challenges with emotional/physical intimacy. This lack of intimacy draws us apart and makes him feel like we're roommates. But, how are you supposed to find emotional intimacy when you're constantly keeping your guard up and walking in eggshells? Our relationship started out as a codependent / needy one. I married him because I wanted him to see that someone could love him unconditionally and care for him. But, as the years have gone by I'm seeing that obviously wasn't a good foundation, because that has limited his ability to function in a healthy husband role. He feels like I don't let him take any leadership, which is partly true because I am an independent person who like take to care of things.
Honestly, I feel like I don't know up from down anymore. It's hard to know if what he's upset about is truly my fault or not. I feel like there are 5,000 rules I have to follow to keep from upsetting him. He's had extreme highs and lows lately. We've fought a lot, which turns into him blowing up my phone with everything I'm doing wrong. Basically saying the same thing over and over again. However, I feel like if we had a vulnerable, emotional intimacy this wouldn't happen. I'm constantly on guard and he feels that. It's sad, but at this point I'm comfortable with just living like roommates, because I don't quite know how to forge a stronger, intimate bond with him. Him feeling like I'm not his wife and us being like roommates gets thrown in my face a lot. How do we have an intimate bond?

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[pearlsw]

Hi Bright_80,



There is a lot going here in this paragraph! I will jump in here, but hopefully other members will join us soon and offer insights and support with all the aspects of what you've described.

Can you please tell us a bit more about the current state of your intimacy and what would be more ideal for you? You feel like roommates? Is there any emotional or physical intimacy? How long have things been in this state?

In terms of "leadership" from you what do you think he is looking for? What does he mean exactly?

with compassion, pearl.

[Bright_80]

Regarding intimacy, we do hug and kiss and say we love each other daily, but I feel like in a marriage there should be a much deeper connection. He's going through some very exciting experiences for him lately and I feel like my level of excitement should be right there with him, but it's not. It kind of feels like we live two different lives. We don't do much together other than sitting at home. He feels betrayed by my family and doesn't really want to have anything to do with my friends. It's hard to describe I just wish I felt a deeper connection to him, I just feel very guarded. I guess I wish we had more shared experiences. I think part of the reason I'm withdrawing is it feels like there's always something going on with him, whether it's his physical health or his mental health or his difficulty with his friendships. after a while you just start to turn it out.

I guess I'm reaching out right now because he is super dysregulated at the moment and it's all about me. about the things I'm not doing in a relationship. And I agree that some things I've done have been hurtful, but it's to the point that he saying that there's been nothing stable in our 10-year marriage except for the devil. Those words are really hard to hear. And they just draw me further away. I'm sorry about my emotional vomit on here. I just hate and drawing friends or family into this.

[pearlsw]

Hi Bright_80,

No apologies necessary dear! We are here to listen and support. We don't want you to feel alone in this because you aren't!

Okay, so there is some daily physical intimacy - that is very positive. In terms of other things I hear ya, I feel like my SO and I don't talk about much of substance or seem to have much in common. I try to suggest doing things, but he's pretty sleepy from his anti-depressants and now he's started drinking a lot. Luckily I have many personal interests, but it is far from ideal.

Are there things you and your partner could do together to help bring you closer? Is there anything you are doing now other than just living under the same roof?

What is he doing that is making him excited? Is there a way for you to be a part of it? Why don't you feel excited about it?

Why do you feel so guarded? Just lots of disappointment and drama over the years? Hard to get your hopes up anymore? (I feel like I have that discussion a lot lately.)

warmly, pearl.

[Radcliff]

You're not giving us emotional vomit.  Actually, you're being quite articulate in describing your situation.  It can be quite discouraging, and nearly all of what you said is familiar.  With the tools and the help available here, you can definitely get to a better place.  I'd also encourage you to look at the posts of others and if you see one you can relate to, jump in and offer support.  Getting to know others here and developing a support network is important.

There is a ton to untangle here, but I believe you've got a lot of upside potential.  The key is to get you to a point where you feel like you are not walking on eggshells, where you are working at a sustainable pace and can be yourself.  And to figure out how to stand back from some of his stuff so that he learns to figure his stuff out and feels more empowered.

A lot of patterns will need to be broken and rewired.  It sounds like you're astute enough to be seeing many of them, but it's pretty discouraging to think about trying to change it all without any model for making improvement.  We can help with that.

Have you been reading about BPD?  What thoughts do you have about what's driving his behaviors?

If I had to pick one place for you to start, it's with boundaries.  They cut both ways -- improvements would require you to define and defend your boundaries against his intrusion, and would also involve you learning how to let him own his own stuff.  :)o those thoughts sound like they apply to your situation?  Clearing up boundary questions is great for reducing wear and tear on everyone, and also allows for ownership, so he can has opportunities to start to display the leadership he wants to display (or at least can no longer blame you from blocking him).

Can you give us an illustration of a particular problem you're facing that we could walk through with you as an example?

WW

p.s.  Your latest reply came in as I was typing this.  I hear what you're saying about all of the drama going on with him wearing you out.  Boundaries can help there, as well, so that you don't feel like you have to respond to all the drama.

[Bright_80]

I think what is hardest is knowing we're both fully aware of the BPD and he's been through year long Outpatient DBT treatments twice, so my mind tells me we should have this under control.

The reason we're currently in a tailspin is that our pastor moved out of state ~2 years ago and has started a new ministry reaching out to the indigent and addicted. My BPDh had visited this ministry twice in the last two weeks (~5 hours away) and has received joy and relief from chronic pain like I've never seen with him. I should be excited, too, right, but I'm not as excited as him. Shouldn't I be? Ugh.

Also, we've been taking about moving there to help with the ministry. I've said I'm willing to think and pray about it, heck I've even been looking for jobs. But, yesterday, during the Facebook live posting of the ministry service, I was cooking instead of watching with him. This made him feel like I just don't care and will be resentful if we move. Honestly, in my mind I can't believe I didn't realize the service was happening so I could watch it with him. That makes me feel so emotionally disconnected. Also, he's expressed that we rest on the Sabbath, which we consider Saturday, but I was busy all day and that didn't allow him to rest. This is something we've been working on for years (resting on the Sabbath), so again why did I go shopping and bug him with dinner in the middle of the service when I should have known he was practicing mindfulness?

Anytime something major happens in our lives, dysregulation occurs. I should have realized. I'm kicking myself because he is raging and hating me right now. I Jaded a little this morning but then really tried to draw back and give him space today.

I'm hoping to start seeing a therapist specializing in DBT this week, to learn more about and use skills. Again, you'd think I would've learned and used them when he was going through DBT. FAIL

[Bright_80]

Btw, thanks so much for the responses. It's just nice to know there's someone on the other end and you're not alone.

[Radcliff]

Don't beat yourself up.  As I look back at my long marriage, I wish that I'd reached out for help sooner, I wish I'd read more books and learned about the tools when I first learned about BPD, I wish I'd become a regular on this site when I first came, instead of asking a question and not coming back to the site for six months while things got worse.

The up side is that you really do seem to have a good knowledge of the tools if you're just a few posts into your tenure here and are talking about “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).

Have you thought about borrowing your husband's workbooks and reading through them, with his permission?  Perhaps he would feel better if he saw you doing work on yourself?  That's impressive that he did so much DBT.  The knowledge is there.  If you learn more about DBT and start practicing the skills, that could be powerful.

Since I was talking about boundaries, have you by any chance read "Boundaries," by Cloud and Townsend?

When we live with a pwBPD, they and we can start to feel like it's all our fault.  Sure, you were cooking and missed a special time with him.  It's natural to feel bad about that.  But he also could have reached out to you.  It's a 50/50 thing.

Does it work to have a discussion with him about what to do on a future day?  Could you talk this evening about what to do on the next Sabbath?  Or in general about how to feed everyone on the Sabbath?  Is it Take Out Night?  Sandwich Night?  Pizza Night?

WW

[Bright_80]

Pearl, in regards to leadership, I think he finds it challenging that I'm the bread winner (he's on disability), manage all the finances, coordinate most day to day tasks, and am independent enough I don't "need" him for anything. I'm not exactly sure how to give him or let him have more responsibility. I handle most things, because he feels he can't or has failed at it in the past.

I think I'm guarded because I feel the need to monitor my actions so as to not upset him. And maybe I just need to not be so sensitive to negative responses. For example, we have one bathroom and when I'm in it and he needs it, there's often an expletive used. But, maybe he's just taking to the air and I need to not worry about it. I'm ridiculous because it makes me feel I shouldn't even be using the bathroom!

WW, I have not read that book on boundaries but I probably should. I'm awful at setting and keeping them. They can't easily be set in the moment and usually after dysregulation passes, I just want to forget it happened. That sets a precedence for the same darn thing to happen again. I did try to bring up a situation after the fact last week, but he didn't want to talk about it because it was painful.

I appreciate the encouragement to ask about his DBT books. Yes, I the skills would benefit me and he would be glad to see me putting forth the effort. And, about the Sabbath, I can do any easy freezer meal or order a pizza. I have put a reminder in my phone to have a plan.

[Jade_alexander]

I relate to much of what you shared.

We have sex, but it’s not emotionally fulfilling. I usually feel emotionally upset afterwards. It’s just empty... .

I don’t know how to regain that trust and intimacy. It’s like the bridge has been burned. I think at some point, you just say no more.

[Radcliff]

In order to be intimate, we have to feel safe allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.  Fear is a big thing with BPD.  Our pwBPD are afraid of so much.  We are afraid of upsetting them.  Everyone throws defenses up, or even goes on the offense, to avoid feeling vulnerable.

I think if you read Boundaries, it will give you some support for allowing your husband to own his things, including his feelings.

When we build our lives around avoiding upsetting our pwBPD, it skews everything.  We do want to be compassionate, and do want to learn tools to reduce conflict, but if they get upset about something, that is not a failure of ours, even if they say it's our fault.  (There's actually a book by Bill Eddy about coping with pwBPD called, It's All Your Fault  ).

Your bathroom example was a great one.  There is one bathroom.  You are going to use it.  That's about as cut-and-dried a fact of life as it gets.  If he reacts, that's his issue.  This is where the DBT skill of mindfulness comes in.  You can simply observe to yourself, "Hmm, he seems upset that I'm in the bathroom" and not feel the need to defend yourself or get him to be more polite.  You can then choose to either ignore him, throw off a cheery, "Out in a jiffy, hon," or something else.  I find that when I can drop my defensiveness and drop the urge to make the other person behave better, a situation impacts me much less, and leaves me much more relaxed and open with the other person rather than amped up and resentful.

Can you give us another example of where you feel like you are "walking on eggshells" with your husband, and we could work through it?

WW