I truly want to let go, but how?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Dear people of this forum,

Since the conversation I had with my ex last week, I feel like I'm finally able to start letting go a little. The things he said about his soulmate ex that haunted me have really helped me to start detaching from that obsessive behaviour, which is amazing and I am very thankful for that. Him saying that our relationship was a lot more fun/and relaxed and him giving me some extra details of their relationship and saying that he was glad that it was over and that he realised now that it just wasn't meant to be, was good to hear. Of course it's still hard knowing that he had such a hard time letting her go, a lot harder than he had with me, but I can't do anything about it.

I'm now at a point where I want so desperately to truly let go. I feel like I'm finally fully committed to the title of this board. I. Need. To. Detach.  I want to start living again, I want to be present, in the moment, not living in the past and with all these negative thoughts in my head.

Some things I still struggle with are:

Stalking him on social media. This is better than it was before, but still I do it way too much and it never brings me anything but negative thoughts (or positive thoughts I shouldn't have, like being glad that he listens to certain music which makes me certain that he's alone that night). I unfollowed him on Strava this week, which was a big step (he already unfollowed me two weeks earlier, but it was the last social media apart from facebook where we still followed eachother). But this morning I logged in to my father's account (they still follow eachother) to check up on my ex anyway and I accidentally liked an activity, so now my ex thinks my father is stalking him or something, which is not good at all. I also keep checking his last.fm page, even though I blocked it (but it's easy to unblock) and keep analysing with whom he's with when he's listening to certain music at certain times. How did you guys stop doing this? What helped you?

Thinking about how he's probably found someone new (and trying to find out in every possible way who that is, by for example seeing if he has new connections on LinkedIn (he has hidden his facebook friends) or if he's following someone new on spotify or strava) and how they're so happy together and constantly picturing them in my head and thinking about how maybe she will be able to make him happy and about all the ways their relationship will be better/longer than ours. I try to tell myself that he'll probably never have a good relationship until he seeks help, but it doesn't work. Because maybe with this girl it will work out? I mean, it's clear from this site that BPD's are perfectly capable of having true long-term relationships and marrying etc. So maybe he will this time.

Blaming myself. Blaming myself for all the things I could have done differently, for not being good enough, for failing him etc etc.


How did/do you cope with these feelings or behaviours? What has helped you in detaching? I really want to be able to accept the situation and to see that it's better this way and that I'll be happier without him in the end. But I really don't know how.[/list]

[blooming]

Dear people of this forum,

Since the conversation I had with my ex last week, I feel like I'm finally able to start letting go a little. The things he said about his soulmate ex that haunted me have really helped me to start detaching from that obsessive behaviour, which is amazing and I am very thankful for that. Him saying that our relationship was a lot more fun/and relaxed and him giving me some extra details of their relationship and saying that he was glad that it was over and that he realised now that it just wasn't meant to be, was good to hear. Of course it's still hard knowing that he had such a hard time letting her go, a lot harder than he had with me, but I can't do anything about it.

I'm now at a point where I want so desperately to truly let go. I feel like I'm finally fully committed to the title of this board. I. Need. To. Detach.  I want to start living again, I want to be present, in the moment, not living in the past and with all these negative thoughts in my head.

Some things I still struggle with are:

Stalking him on social media. This is better than it was before, but still I do it way too much and it never brings me anything but negative thoughts (or positive thoughts I shouldn't have, like being glad that he listens to certain music which makes me certain that he's alone that night). I unfollowed him on Strava this week, which was a big step (he already unfollowed me two weeks earlier, but it was the last social media apart from facebook where we still followed eachother). But this morning I logged in to my father's account (they still follow eachother) to check up on my ex anyway and I accidentally liked an activity, so now my ex thinks my father is stalking him or something, which is not good at all. I also keep checking his last.fm page, even though I blocked it (but it's easy to unblock) and keep analysing with whom he's with when he's listening to certain music at certain times. How did you guys stop doing this? What helped you?

Thinking about how he's probably found someone new (and trying to find out in every possible way who that is, by for example seeing if he has new connections on LinkedIn (he has hidden his facebook friends) or if he's following someone new on spotify or strava) and how they're so happy together and constantly picturing them in my head and thinking about how maybe she will be able to make him happy and about all the ways their relationship will be better/longer than ours. I try to tell myself that he'll probably never have a good relationship until he seeks help, but it doesn't work. Because maybe with this girl it will work out? I mean, it's clear from this site that BPD's are perfectly capable of having true long-term relationships and marrying etc. So maybe he will this time.

Blaming myself. Blaming myself for all the things I could have done differently, for not being good enough, for failing him etc etc.


How did/do you cope with these feelings or behaviours? What has helped you in detaching? I really want to be able to accept the situation and to see that it's better this way and that I'll be happier without him in the end. But I really don't know how.[/list]

[blooming]

I'll try to answer these myself later. Maybe it's good practice. I so badly want to feel less hopeless.

[spacecadet]

Hi Blooming, what you're going through is rough, please know others are thinking of you and sending you wishes for comfort and healing.

It's a good sign that you're following him on SM less than you were. You've still got him on your mind a lot. You're still doing a post-mortem on the r/s and comparing yourself to the ex's, particularly the one. You're still in a lot of pain. This is all natural although not someone any of us seeks. We can't escape the pain of a loss, we have to go through it and you're doing that... .I don't hear that you're escaping your sorrow in booze or one night stands or drugs which is good.

What did you do? Took your exams. Bravo! This is a great start.

What else can you do to stay busy, while leaving some time for grieving and self-care? Get a summer job? Take summer courses? Volunteer work, go to other festivals or concerts or clubs... .only those where you know your ex will not be there. Take up an instrument. Work and study are industry, and when our self-esteem is shaky, contributing to others and accomplishing goals is a sure-fire way to boost our self-worth.

Keep a journal of your feelings and thoughts, spend time with people who love you, make new friends, and do things to pamper yourself and reflect the value that you truly have. Listen for compliments people give you and really take them in. Find a loving thing to say to someone else who needs it. Consider a spiritual practice like meditation or attend services (even if you haven't before), treat yourself to a mani/pedi (classic women's heartbreak healing tool... .because it does help!) Consider getting counseling, if you can't afford it there are lots of support groups, maybe a 12-step Al Anon ... .no one will toss you out if you say you're there to get over a volatile r/s regardless of whether alcohol was involved. (if someone gets snarky with you, find another meeting)

None of this will take the pain away tomorrow, but it's a step at a time. And you will get there, at some point... .maybe a year from now, you'll look back and feel, what was all the fuss about? But also, you will be a stronger, deeper better person. And the ex? It won't matter anymore.

You are valuable. You are loved. You deserve happiness. Ultimately, happiness comes from within regardless of whether we're in a loving r/s or on our own.

[blooming]

Hi Blooming, what you're going through is rough, please know others are thinking of you and sending you wishes for comfort and healing.

Thank you for your response spacecadet! It is very much appreciated. And thank you for the kind words!

It's a good sign that you're following him on SM less than you were. You've still got him on your mind a lot. You're still doing a post-mortem on the r/s and comparing yourself to the ex's, particularly the one. You're still in a lot of pain. This is all natural although not someone any of us seeks. We can't escape the pain of a loss, we have to go through it and you're doing that... .I don't hear that you're escaping your sorrow in booze or one night stands or drugs which is good.

What did you do? Took your exams. Bravo! This is a great start.

Thank you! It is good to hear that this is normal (I have never been through heartbreak before) and that I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances. It's just very hard to come to terms with everything that has happened. Yesterday I had coffee with a newly made friend who has also dated my ex for some time (when I asked him about it when we were still together he said they had only had one date, but they have dated for about half a year) and who was discarded in a very cruel way. She found out that he was seeing other girls at the same time by seeing him kiss another at a party. That other girl quickly afterwards became his 'official' girlfiend. But still, when he had this new girlfriend and he should've been madly in love with her, he kept messaging this girl he had dated with about meeting up. And I also know of an ex he had been seeing up until that point who he kept messaging. I don't think that girlfriend knew and still doesn't know that he was texting/seeing those other girls right before and in the beginning of their relationship. It's so cruel. I can't wrap my head around how someone can be like that. And I know so many stories like this about him. Cheating and lying and deceiving and fighting and hurting. I just don't know how to handle it. Can only think about all the things he's done to me that I don't yet know about.

What else can you do to stay busy, while leaving some time for grieving and self-care? Get a summer job? Take summer courses? Volunteer work, go to other festivals or concerts or clubs... .only those where you know your ex will not be there. Take up an instrument. Work and study are industry, and when our self-esteem is shaky, contributing to others and accomplishing goals is a sure-fire way to boost our self-worth.

Keep a journal of your feelings and thoughts, spend time with people who love you, make new friends, and do things to pamper yourself and reflect the value that you truly have. Listen for compliments people give you and really take them in. Find a loving thing to say to someone else who needs it. Consider a spiritual practice like meditation or attend services (even if you haven't before), treat yourself to a mani/pedi (classic women's heartbreak healing tool... .because it does help!) Consider getting counseling, if you can't afford it there are lots of support groups, maybe a 12-step Al Anon ... .no one will toss you out if you say you're there to get over a volatile r/s regardless of whether alcohol was involved. (if someone gets snarky with you, find another meeting)

None of this will take the pain away tomorrow, but it's a step at a time. And you will get there, at some point... .maybe a year from now, you'll look back and feel, what was all the fuss about? But also, you will be a stronger, deeper better person. And the ex? It won't matter anymore.

You are valuable. You are loved. You deserve happiness. Ultimately, happiness comes from within regardless of whether we're in a loving r/s or on our own.

Thank you so much for all those words spacecadet. They truly help. Thank you for thinking with me. I will try to follow your advice as much as possible. I have actually recently purchased a book on meditation, I hope I can find the peace to read it.

I hope you're right about it not mattering anymore a year from now. That idea is such a relief.

[WindofChange]

Hi Blooming. I'm so sorry, I know it sucks that you're hurting so much. It does get better, but it's a slow process, and that is hard to accept. I get the stalking on SM thing--I'm still guilty of it, too, although it's less as time goes on.
Spacecadet's advice is great. Try to explore something new, maybe something you've been interested in but have never acted on. For myself, I'm looking to buy a kayak. I've done this a few times over the years with friends and family and loved it, but always had to borrow or rent one. Now I'm taking the plunge and buying one. I have a friend who kayaks often, and she's going to take me to some nearby places this summer to do some paddling, and will introduce me to some of her friends who kayak as well. So I have something I'm feeling excited about and looking forward to.
Journaling is great. I do it often, and it really helps to vent out those sad, frustrated, hurt, angry feelings. There's also a board on here for writing a letter to your ex. Have you posted on that? It might be cathartic for you to compose a letter and post it there. Get those feelings out, vent them, deal with them, and then you can work on letting them go.
Be patient with yourself. There will be bad days, but you can get through them. They will pass. Better days are coming. 

[spacecadet]

   Keep us posted as you progress, it's an up or down thing, but things you've posted let me know you're resilient. It really sucks that this is your first bf and break-up, they're always hard but to have such a lying cheating cuss be your first... .well I'm just sorry. Hang in there   

[Roler]

I hope you're right about it not mattering anymore a year from now. That idea is such a relief.

The hope of any possibility of ever experiencing again that there is life possible after " all this", is what I can very much relate to. And I can tell you now from early days of recovery: there is.
Before I came here, I knew I wasn't the only one in a situation like this, but it sure felt like it. I had never experienced such an emotional turmoil as this relation had been and I felt shattered and empty as I had lost myself along the way. I had never experienced such a feeling of loss, grief and utter confusion over what seemed to have been a destined-to-be-together merging of two people. But reading here, I came to read my own story, my own experiences but then worded by others in their posts... .I read about the struggles, thoughts, pain and destruction others were going through and have gone through, similar to how I felt (and still can feel at times)  It gave me a sense of understanding, that it felt maybe unique but wasn't. That I wasn't the only one feeling so destroyed, so in despair. It were the stories about the possibility to recover that gave me some hope that eventually you will be able to move past this and overcome the overwhelming emotions.
Give yourself the time it will take and take one step at a time. Recovery truly is a process and it doesn't have to mean you will have to do better every following day. Small steps matter, hour to hour and then day to day. There is no timeframe for this, but also no timelimit. But you will eventually start to feel you can move past this. And that's where the recovery gains momentum.